Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

So nice to hear your news and I'll keep my fingers crossed for good news on the scan front.  I love my garden and if it's nice I'm out there.  Nature cheers you up and seeing what you planted still makes me smile,tulips with double heads, sweet peas that smell delightful and Roses starting to rapidly sprout and then bud.  How clever is nature, we think we know best, but nature beats us all.  Hugs to you and keep in touch. Xx

Hubby sleeps for over two hours and I can hear his chest squeaking as he breathes in and out.  I keep checking him and wonder if this is a sign of more than a bladder infection.  I wake him up as it's getting cold and he keeps getting a stiff neck if he sleeps too long.   Today he says he is no better so I call our GP and I'm just off to collect more antibiotics.   I have had an hour in the garden having bought a new pot and compost and it looks lovely, the sun is shining, we have two robins, one fat one slim (bit like me and hubby, just had to buy extra large underpants for him!)  My lovely neighbour is back from Devon and has mowed the front lawn and chopped the hedge back for me.  What would we do without good friends, I would be lost.  I ring Mary as she had a minor op yesterday but there's no reply so I hope all is well.  The wind is still biting but if its  sunny I can cope.   See you tomorrow 

Mary asks me to meet her in town but I don't want to leave hubby alone,he is shaky and tired so I stay home.  We have a leisurely morning and then drive to Piercebridge and buy fat balls more lawn repair and he actually makes it into the shop.  We then decide to have a ride out and head for Barnard Castle where we have a bag of chips each and watch the world go by.  Hubby seems a lot better and we hope the antibiotics are kicking in.  Back home we have tea and walnut cake and after a really healthy diet say we don't want any tea, great no cooking today! ! Lisa calls and tells us that it's freezing in Surrey as well and she's actually thinking of putting the heating on, it must be cold because there's no heating on when I stay!!  Anyway friends are travelling down from Scotland next weekend and they are all booked in for a sleep over in the Dinosaur museum, how exciting is that for two  seven year old boys and how sscary!   So feet up and a glass of wine and I feel happier knowing hubby is on the mend.  Xx

Hubby sleeps for another two hours and hopefully this is a remedial snooze.  That's the problem with reading facts about cancer, is he sleeping more because of the tumour or because he had another infection, how am I supposed to know the difference?   We are both sleeping better to the point where my face had been on the pillow so long I need polly filla to fill in the creases when I get up.  This morning his arthritis has kicked in in his hands and he struggles to get shaved and dressed, it would be nice to eventually have one morning without something being wrong, it's wearing for me , never mind him..  Coffee and cake for breakfast and the birds have kicked all the soil out of my new pot.  I tootle next door and pinch some of my neighbours slate, I'll stop the pesky little things somehow.  My patio is breaking up again after all the re-grouting last year so the builder arrives just as I'm cooking tea so hubby gets involved and suddenly we're having to pay again to repair it.  I'm furious as until he butted in it was being done for nothing!  I'm spitting feathers but let it go as I'm not arguing, it's not worth it, this cancer has a lot to answer for because once upon a time I would have stood my ground, but you learn the battles that are important.   Kevin says how well he looks and calls me Florence Nightingale,  good job he was here or I would have been acting like Mike Tyson, and boxing him round the ears.  See you tomorrow    

By 10.00 pm last night hubby does not look at all well, grey and pinched and not concentrating on any TV programmes.   I feel worried but what can I do?  This morning he sounds better, has a bath and we redress the wounds.   After four months of GP visits,  hundreds of plasters, sea kelp dressings, false skin plasters and iodine the wound is beginning to heal, the radiotherapy may have halved the tumour but it's  100% damaged his skin.  He looks more like himself and says he's  slapped some blusher on to impress me!   We are waiting for Kevin to arrive so we stay home and watch the Grand prix,  it's very exciting and just finished,  so we both have a drink to toast Lewis Hamilton winning and he's now going to have a nap whilst I chill out before cooking tea.   It's  been a pleasant day and although it's intermittently raining the sun has shone and the birds are happy.  My black lace tree is thriving and the hebe blooming for the bees, so all is well with the world, just our world would be much better without cancer in it!.  Enjoy your weekend .

Our builder cancels on us but we don't really mind as it's  cold and raining and we can't  be bothered to think about it, so we have stir fry for tea nd settle down for the evening.  He is looking better and this cheers us both up.  Today he's washed up for me and gone to get his car washed so pretty much a normal day.   I go and visit Margaret and take scones,  not realising she is on a liquid diet for four weeks, every cloud has a silver lining she says as she needs to lose weight!  I tell her I'll pick her up for zumba and she can sit on the side lines, doing arm exercises and leg movements like the oldies do!  I speak too Faye and Ella has had a check up for her severe egg allergy but nothing is being done as she is till too allergic.   She is disappointed as it makes life difficult for her, she was at a birthday party on Saturday and couldn't have the cake so they found her some rocky road instead.  Ella is only five but she is used to this and no longer bursts into tears whilst all the others munch cake and she is left out.  Still there are worse things in life and we need to appreciate this.  Lisa is coming for next May Bank holiday so s nice weekend to look forward to. Xx

Hi again.  Hope you are okay in the cold.  You sound a bit stressed some of the time - which is not surprising - so hope you are okay.  I am having a comparatively easy day today; woke up very early with a migraine kicking the inside of my head. Too far gone to be able to stop it in its tracks with my triptan prescription; I take one in desperation and spend the next hours wanting to throw up and occasionally managing it.   Fortunately my mate Paul was around and came and took Muffin the dog under his wing when he felt it was time for his breakfast and he wanted general attention (Muffin that is, not Paul).    I just lay and groaned in bed.  I am not good at suffering; a real misery-guts.  So have just gone out to the shops and to give Muffin a walk when it briefly stopped raining; am going to do very little for the rest of the day.

Glad to learn that your hubby has got over his little bad period and is feeling better.  You must worry when he starts to droop.     Annie

Hi ANNIE,  yes I am stressed, Norman is not being responsible for anything on a day to day level and I am taking the brunt of it.  The builder hss just been and although he got involved on Saturday,  tonight he doesn't want to know, so I have made him go and talk to him about what we need to do, I'm sorry but he can't live in a cocoon, he lives here as well!  Sometimes my patience is stretched as it's  all me, me ,me and it's dragging  me down, even when I told him about Margaret he turned it back to when he was in hospital ten years ago!!  I have had horrIid migraine and it is foul, you can't think straight and the pain is incredible.   I hope you are feeling better and it's lovely to hear from you.xx

So the builder causes us more problems and as I'm  trying to cook I send hubby out who doesn't want to speak to him, he comes back in fuming and this carries on for the rest of the night.   Anything that upsets his little cocoon sends him into a spiral and I'm getting annoyed as he should be involved more in our daily lives.   The builder starts rabbiting on again about his wife who has depression,  I had all this last year with him and I don't  need hid problems, so when he tells me she is staying in bed for two days at a time, my usual happy equilibrium  snaps and I tell him I would be glad to have the chance to stay in bed for two days!!  Anyway he's  back tonight and once he gets his coffee he will be left to get on with it.  I have struggled with zumba this morning so I get home have a shower and I can hear hubby talking to some one,  it's  the lady gardener and he's agreed to her cutting the bushes at the front,  he's  actually a made a decision,  hurrah!  It's  a beautiful day and no north east winds so hubby has gone out, a chance to wash the kitchen floor, water the plants, feed the birds and have a sit down, it's  bliss, until they all land on me again! !  See you tomorrow 

I make my zumba class and really enjoy it, the music  just takes me out of the cancer life we lead.  I get home and hubby is making  his own breakfast,  Iam   trying not to do too much  so he is a little more responsible for himself.  If we get this leg sorted on Friday I am hoping to get away in June after his check up with the Oncologist.   I've  booked us into the Shaun the sheep pub for Sunday lunch and am really looking forward to seeing my Harry.  He is so like his Mum as a little girl amd he and I have the same mischievous nature so we just laugh and have fun.  Lisa has decided to stay put in her job but negotiated two days from home due to the terrible train system in the South.  I have just come back from M & S where I tried to use the self service till.  What a farce!   Not sure if it was all the wine  I was buying but it packed in after two bottles.   Staff arrive, start again, she disappears and the same thing happens again, I have to lug all the stuff to another till where the woman in front has her friend running around the store picking her shopping up whilst we twiddle our thumbs.  So back home, tea and custard tarts and feet up.  See you tomorrow 

I make my zumba class and really enjoy it, the music  just takes me out of the cancer life we lead.  I get home and hubby is making  his own breakfast,  Iam   trying not to do too much  so he is a little more responsible for himself.  If we get this leg sorted on Friday I am hoping to get away in June after his check up with the Oncologist.   I've  booked us into the Shaun the sheep pub for Sunday lunch and am really looking forward to seeing my Harry.  He is so like his Mum as a little girl amd he and I have the same mischievous nature so we just laugh and have fun.  Lisa has decided to stay put in her job but negotiated two days from home due to the terrible train system in the South.  I have just come back from M & S where I tried to use the self service till.  What a farce!   Not sure if it was all the wine  I was buying but it packed in after two bottles.   Staff arrive, start again, she disappears and the same thing happens again, I have to lug all the stuff to another till where the woman in front has her friend running around the store picking her shopping up whilst we twiddle our thumbs.  So back home, tea and custard tarts and feet up.  See you tomorrow 

Hubby fell over on the golf course and couldn't get up until someone came along to help him, he then whacked his newly shortened golf clubs on a tree and snapped it in half, my comment of it would be ideal for Ella, did not go down well!  Fortunately only his pride was damaged and we had a laugh about it.  Today though I have lunch with Mary, go and see the movie about the Guernsey literary society and come home happy.  This lasts for five minutes as hubby turns up covered in blood, shaking like a leaf and very upset.  He had gone to get his prescription,  left the surgery and fallen down the slope into the road and landed in front of his car.  Fortunately someone helped him up, put him in his car and sent him home.  So I've  patched his elbow, his hand,  his poorly toe and the bruises from his bracelet digging into his arm.  So much for making him more responsible for himself!!    He's  now sat with fish and chips, lots of sugary tea and painkillers, I don't  think my life will ever be easy, the cancer has damaged him beyond repair.  Oh the movie was good.  See you tomorrow 

So he has a bad night as everything is hurting him and when I take him tea early doors he just wants to stay In bed but James Cook beckons.  We get there for nine am but had forgotten that the car park had been made into pay and display.  The jobsworth was in his element issuing tickets left right and centre and hubby was up for having a row with him!  We said he couldn't walk far but we're told that wasn't his fault , get a ticket at the main car park, go to reception with the blue badge so you only pay three pounds, go back to car, get a wheelchair and off you go!!  Anyway Kay pops out and tells us to go around the back but we still pay, so off I go to the pay machine, money in, number plate to key in, what, I don't know his number so I have to walk back to the car , memorise  his number by heart and get a ticket which then has to go in the car.  What is wrong with these parking companies, they have no thought about anything but money.  So back home at noon, some lunch,  lawn mowed, garden watered and Huby puts his feet up.  He aches all over and it's  such a shame as Harry and Lisa are here tomorrow,  at least it looks like nice weather.  Enjoy your May Bank hols all of you.xx

Well its  only been just over a day since they arrived and hubby has been a pain being, grumpy, sarcastic and basically upsetting us all.  We go out for lunch which we were looking forward to but he picked on me all the way there, then Harry got it in the neck,  being told to sit up, take your feet away,  stop eating like that and mine and Lisa's stress levels were going through the roof, we'd invited Sue so it was difficult to say anything.  We left and then he tried over compensating for his behaviour but it was too late, the day was spoiled.  I hate it when he's  like this it's impossible to cope with.   He's now slept for three hours in the conservatory whilst we three played in the garden.  Although they're our family I think he's happier just us two, but that's no life for me.  Is he getting worse as he seems to be closing off from us all and pushing us away.  I loath this cancer, it's invasive in more ways than one.

I wake hubby up at 8.15 pm as he won't sleep the night  if I don't.   Harry is tired and we bath him but at 9.30 he's still awake so we give up, leave both boys alone and hit the wine and chocolate! !  Today we've gone to Raby Castle and it was beautiful.   Hubby walked to the tables and chairs huffing and puffing but I was losing the plot by now and told him if he didn't use his wheelchair moaning at everything wasn't our fault.  I've never known him be so self centred and mean to people, he's unpleasant company and doesn't even know it!  We came home, had lunch and took off for the train.  I walked down the platform with them and Harry thought I was going with them, I wish!!  Back home I've had to put my feet up as it's so hot..  Back to normal tomorrow.  Xx

I've just fallen backwards into my plant pots and broken all the beautiful double headed tulips which are now in the vase on the windowsill.  I knew it wasn't going to be a good day when I was yelled at this morning for trying to explain that Fridays prescription wouldn't be ready, he has his own agenda and I can't reason with him.  I want to take off to the garden centre for some new plants but this has been vetoed as he is finally getting his ears syringed and I have to go so he doesn't fall over again.  How I'm going to stop this is beyond my comprehension as he has piled the weight back on and could severely damage me if he falls!!  I wish I was anywhere but here at the moment, it's  getting hard to stay upbeat when someone is on your case constantly.  I keep telling myself he's in a dark place but it's  becoming boring trying to explain his dark moods to everybody.   So having just had a shower I've  now got to brush mud off my clean trousers, sweep up and throw broken pots away,  as they say, that's life.  See you tomorrow. 

Hi there Caz. Oh god you re having a hard time of it lately. Really feel for you. Good thing you have lots of patience and care about him so much. So sorry about your lovely tulips but you can get some more. As long as you dident knock yourself about. Summers on the way and always here for you. Lots of hugs xxx

Hi golden,  I'm tanked up with M & S rose wine, so if there's any pain, I can't feel it now!!  I've  re potted new plants and there's been a gentle rain shower so it's a lot cooler and sleep should come easier tonight.   Life's a struggle with cancer, but you know that and giving up isn't an option.   Hugs back to you!!xx

We have a better afternoon and buy some plants and he comes in the shop with me.  He can actually hear me and I'm  not wearily repeating everything I say which helps.  I'm  still a little hurt from his attitude towards Harry but this morning I speak to a girl who's Dad has cancer and she tells me she and her children travelled miles to see him and he was vile to all of them.  So it's obviously cancer anger and very little you can do about it but I'm not giving up on letting him know when it's wrong to act like that.  I've telephoned the Oncologist's secretary to see if we have a scan first before the June appointment, what's the point of seeing her if we have no further information to work with.  Being left guessing as to what is happening is not a good place to be left in, so let's hope we get one.  A day out for me tomorrow I hope I don't come home to hubby in the same state as last week.  X

Hubby is struggling with swollen hands and aches all over.  I call the Oncologist secretary and she tells me there is no scan just a chat about how he feels.  Well that should be fun passing on that information !  It goes down like a ton of bricks and he shakes his head in despair.  I stay upbeat and say he can talk about it in a month and I get a grunt back.  Two bacon sandwiches and lots of tea and he's happier and I'm off to pick the girls up.  We enjoy the film a lot and come out happy and off to Bella Italian,  Dorothy goes in first, I follow and Florence comes in behind me but none of us realise the doors al open inwards and we go down like skittles, the young waiter comes to our rescue and I laugh and say wait til we've had wine, we're even funnier!  A good chat about everything and we al feel better, all of us have had bad times, Florence 's son died age forty four, Dorothy has just lost her husbands brother to lung cancer and Christine has just gone through her hubby having pneumonia and sepsis, we all help bouy each other up.  Back home I find him in the garage, I've had a catastrophe he shouts, what have you done now, I've opened a can of larger and dropped it, so I've now had to clean a concrete floor swimming in larger, throw the soaking towels in the bin and then cook tea.  I dont half suffer for my time out.  See you tomorrow 

Today has been a good day and also a weird one.  I meet Mary for coffee and as usual we talk about the other half's tempers, attitudes and upsets over coffee and scones.  I do some clothes shopping as Lisa pinched my brand new top for Sunday lunch and promptly got gravy down it (the bane of having a large embonpoint ) so I tell her to keep it!  Back home we have lunch and I casually ask hubby if he knows when Tommy s funeral is.  This death was telephonesd to us by a so Called  friend who has never once phoned to see how we were,  how the treatment had gone, nothing, nada,  so we felt unhappy about being told of his death.   These are the things that tip you over the edge when you're struggling with your own imminent death.   So his reply was that he wasn't interested as he is too busy trying to stay alive himself.  What can I say to this, it's my greatest fear and we rarely voice it, it's the elephant in the room and we dance around it at our peril.  So he's gone to meet proper friends who care and are there for you.  The builder has turned up at last, patio furniture to order soon, you watch it'll snow when it turns up.  See you tomorrow