Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

It's 3.30 am,  the rain is lashing down, the wind horrendous and hubby is coughing his guts up.  I can't sleep through it, so drag my dressing gown on pad along to his room and make him a cup of  tea and some pain killers.   He apologies for getting me up again and I tell him we're getting a Doctor out in the morning,  this has gone on for weeks.   I go back to bed but the rain is splashing onto the window ledge and it's like water torture.  I get up again and open the window out over to stop it but it's so windy it blows open further.  I sleep until 7.30 and call the surgery, they will send someone out for us.  He's just gone and apart from suggesting a pillow over hubby's face (I think he was joking) there is not much he can do but recommend steroids again.  It's the tumour irritating his chest and all the treatments haven't helped apart from shrinking the size of  it.  I knew this  was never going away but it looks like it's going to be a long haul.  There's very little to discuss with each other,  we know we are on borrowed time, just not how long.   I must try and let all the little digs go over my head, he's suffering with cancer and doesn't know what is going to happen.  We are left to get on with it, we have no other choice.  See you tomorrow. X

We managed a whole night without having to get up although the coughing persists but to a lesser degree.  I still woke up but got back to sleep.  The night before I had tried to talk to hubby with my tooth brace still in place, it made me lisp and he couldn't understand what I was saying, it was like a Morecambe and Wise comedy of errors and would have been funny if he hadn't been puce in the face.  So we get up a little more of a happy equilibrium but he still complains about a runny nose, the daffodils are giving him hay fever, his leg is sore and any little complaint he can think of, I honestly think it's a way of avoiding the elephant in the room.  I move the daffodils and put another plant on the table, oh that's better he says, it should be because they're not real I say!!  Anyway I do zumba, have a shower and he's off again, he's tired needs to have a nap his leg hurts and he doesn't think my patch up yesterday is any good,  I've had enough! I get my bag and car keys, tell him to have a good nap and take off to T K Max.  Bought some lovely soothing soaps and shower gels and honey body butter, I need calming smells.  We've just had tea and watched Murder Maps, makes a change from Top Gear  See you tomorrow. 

Hello Carol.  That's a real downer when you are having to face the future; well done you for keeping up your routine.  It is so often the way that when you are trying to talk about something serious a ridiculous situation (like your tooth brace) makes the whole thing farcical.  You write so calmly but I can only imagine how you are feeling inside.  You must find it difficult to write your blog on some days?   Good old TK maxx; I go there when in Brixton.  There is always something I want to buy.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  I love T K Max so much to browse and try on and brilliant prices.  Now the snow has gone I can escape .  He can't moan when I'm not here! Anyway feet up watching Corrie and some Cadbury chocolate to keep me happy.  Xx

We have slept through the night, I didn't even wake up until gone nine this morning.  Thank  God for steroids!  Hubby is chirpy and calls a good  friend and I hear them chatting and laughing away and it makes me smile.  He tells me all about how Bob is doing and what a laugh they have had and then puts Daily politics on the TV and promptly starts moaning about the government , the Russians ,the home secretay, basically anything that gets him annoyed!  Why do men do this? Is it in their physche to moan more as they get older, I wish I knew.  I'm  trying to empty bins, do the washing, feed the birds, chop some bushes back a little more and it's just white noise now.  I'm off to the pictures with Mary, back from wet Tenerife (She doesn't get a lot of sympathy!).  We go to see Finding Your Feet,  which was brilliant, funny and a little too close to home for comfort  as the main character dies from stage four lung cancer (I know you couldn't make it up!).  Anyway we both enjoyed it and came out laughing.   Funny story in car park, I had to put my registration number in the machine before paying and we hadn't a clue how to do it until we stood back and saw the key pad near the bottom of the machine, do these people deliberately make it difficult for older people!  Having walked across the car park to do this we then find a machine next to my car!  It's a good job we can laugh about it.  So fish and chip take away for tea as I really cannot be bothered to cook  see you tomorrow. 

I think  the the lack of sleep is catching up with me as I have nodded off in the sunny (SUN!!) Conservatory for the first time in months.  Hubby has slept well again but wakes up coughing,  though annoying it let's me know he is still here which is lovely as many with his stage of cancer are not.  He read some statistics yesterday about one year survival rate being the norm for his stage, I already knew this but had never told him,  so he was chuffed that he is beating the odds.  I arrange to meet Mary and he offers to take me which he likes to do because it makes him feel useful.   He dresses in some of his birthday gifts and looks very smart, having had a hair cut yesterday , his hair has grown back thicker than before chemo.  So he's popped to the golf club to see some friends and it's  nice to see him going out and also I get the house to myself! !  A good day after many bad ones.  X

I feel very tired today and not exactly one hundred percent.  It's cold and raining and if we didn't need a cup of tea I would happily stay in bed.  I just think sometimes it's all too much to handle but those days are far and few between.  I am also aware that it's Mother's day and nothing special has been arranged by hubby.  I don't say anything as I once mentioned this when I wasn't seeing my daughters and was shot down in flames when he pointed out I wasn't his Mother so why would he arrange something.  We go out to Sam Turners and I buy the set of Royal Worcester coffee,  tea, sugar and cake tins all in non breakable tin and he says he thought about booking us in for lunch tomorrow but it was too late!  I don't really care as it's so difficult getting around with him that I've  arranged to go to my sister in law's for coffee and cake, we can have tea at home and rest.  Both my girls are hundreds of miles away and Mother's day is not the same minus children! !  See you tomorrow .

To be perfectly honest the hype around Mother’s Day really gets to me these days. I said to my lot that we were doing the celebration and meal out bit last week, Mother’s day itself is overpriced, overhyped and less than good value usually.  Grump. 

I have always loved Mother's day especially when my Mum was alive.  It doesn't have to be over priced a bunch of daffodils is just as nice.  Anyway I seem to have some cards and gifts to open tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. So there!!!!!  Have a lovely day miss Grump xx

It seemed a lot more sincere when I was younger or is that just the rosy mists of time?!

I’ve got some lovely presents but I set a limit on what they could spend. It ought to be about what the present means  not what it cost. 

Suppose it’s just the creep of commercialisation.  Now I really do sound like my mother!

It seemed a lot more sincere when I was younger or is that just the rosy mists of time?!

I’ve got some lovely presents but I set a limit on what they could spend. It ought to be about what the present means  not what it cost. 

Suppose it’s just the creep of commercialisation.  Now I really do sound like my mother!

It probably is the rosy mists but it's nice to be appreciated.  Mine didn't know what to get so I said surprise me, so it is a surprise as I have no idea what it is.  Very exciting

My lot were clueless as well sooo, got new wheel covers for my car, definitely needed! My lovely daughter is taking me out for breakfast tomorrow, slightly ulterior motive as we are meeting up with her boyfriend, his bother and his mum. The two boys don’t get to see much of their mum without her partner so this was cooked up so that they could. 

I gave my slightly detached son a couple of ideas when he asked so I’ll see what he comes up with, if anything. 

So I live in hope that I might get a cup of tea in bed but by 9.20 am I realise this is not going to happen, I think bringing tea up on the stair lift may have something to do with it!   I make tea and open my gifts whilst hubby stays in bed drinking his.  Silver three star earrings from older daughter but a printed card which I'm a little disappointed with as she has beautiful caligraphy handwriting and it's lovely to behold, but times are changing (not for the better )  so I ignore it and open younger daughter's cards,  Harry has written his himself and it's lovely and I have a beautiful hexagon mirror engraved with a personal message and white and milk chocolates saying I love Grandma.   I am so blessed with my family and feel apprecitation from all.  I go for the papers and a lovely gentleman reaches for them as he's getting his and passes them to me, I bump into one of my Legal clerks from the Court and we catch up on hubby and her Mum, who has just had cataract surgery and has been ringing her to say she can see the snow!  I get home, grab a coffee and set off for Scorton with pan a raisin for me and Sue.  Lovely catch up, back home and hubby is struggling with his leg but we go for a drive, we call at the Stanwick Arms for a drink but he can't walk and is in pain, so back in the car, he's upset but I say not to worry as we have been invited out for Joe and Mary's 48th wedding anniversary on Wednesday and I'm having my 1920 themed afternoon tea at Hardwick on Thursday.  We are chilling out and he is OK now, we hope his new leg will be here soon.  Happy Mother's day to all of you struggling with cancer or caring for someone,  we all need special days to keep our spirits up.  Love Carol x

We have a quiet day, I catch up on household duties and hubby is helping when he can.  After yesterday trying to walk he has caused his wound to open again and I can see he is concerned.   I have kept out of interfering in this ongoing matter because he won't take anyone's advice.  So he asks me what he can do and I lay it straight on the line and tell him I'll only help if I can do what I think is best.  He's agreed and I'm hoping this will help heal it as he still has holes in his skin from weeks ago.  Cancer is vile and the treatment not only kills the growth but everything else, I know we are told this at the beginning but you hope it won't , how naive we were and one year on we are still coping.  I sometimes wonder if you met those going through it you would have a better understanding , but is it better to be ignorant ànd cope with the unknown?  We will see how long this new dressing stays on before he comes up with some excuse to remove it, I won't hold my breath!  

We are up early due to an electrician coming to do some work.  I am finally having a lamp fitted that automatically comes on as you walk towards it, this should help when I come home tiddly from nights out!  I manage zumba, get back and a friend has come to see hubby, the electric guy is still here but says the lights are working.  So I grab a shower wrap a towel round me and lo and behold I've got no electric.  I try shouting out the shower  window but he can't hear me, so I shout down the stairs and as usual hubby is shouting the wrong answer back at me!  Eventually our friend comes to the rescue and the electric guy comes running up the stairs whilst I'm naked but for a towel!  I hide in another bedroom whilst he checks everything and ten minutes later we are with light again.  I have to pop into town and the blinking lifts aren't working again,  this is so annoying when you have to lug your shopping up three flights of stairs.  Back home and we need to get some beer for neighbours birthday but hubby can't remember which one, San Miguel,  no, Stella,  no.  I give up so we pop to the village shop, go through the same guessing game with them,  I remember he says, it's corona, right we'll have some of that,  oh sorry she says we haven't got any!  So we just buy something else, get home and he's exhausted so he's now asleep in the warm conservatory.   I hope he manages to stay awake for our meal out tomorrow

We have just arrived home after a lovely evening out celebrating our best friends wedding anniversary.   Although they know hubby's state of health they still parked as far away from the restaurant door as they could!  Hubby hobbled and struggled and I was so mad that Mary said nothing and Joe thought he could cope.   No one understands how hard it is having cancer, the treatments that destroy you and the anxiety the partner has.   Hubby would have been cross if I had said anything so I had to bite my tongue.  I think I have to accept that others will never comprehend the struggle , so I'm not going to let it spoil our night, it was nice to be out together .  See you tomorrow. 

Hi.  Glad you enjoyed your evening.  It so often happens that things that seem so very clear to us are not at all apparent even to close friends.  Perhaps by the time they realised how hard it was the situation had become too difficult to raise for anyone.  We humans can be a bit strange sometimes even with people we know well.

Keep on keeping on as the saying goes.  You post so straightforwardly but I sometimes wonder how you cope with your darkest thoughts.  Thanks so much for making us feel what is happening in your world.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  you're right, people don't get it, how could they, there's no way of comprehending other people's pain.  I try not to have dark thoughts, it doesn't help you cope!xx

I am still awake at 2.00 am with a song going round and round in my head.  Why am I not asleep?  I get up have some pain killers, nod off and hubby wakes me up at 3.00 am needing the toilet after all the guiness!  By 8.00 am next doors window is being knocked out and a new one fitted.  Hubby is up first as he has an appointment,  great a cup of tea made for me!!  I should have known better.   He's put a tea bag in a cup but used all the boiled water as he wasn't sure when I was coming down he says.  I hang around in my night gear as I'm going out at 11.30 this morning,  this just makes me feel tired and I seriously think about cancelling my do.. But I don't and it was brilliant.   My dress was much discussed (borrowed from a friend who bought it in Egypt) loads of Charleston dancing displays, beautiful afternoon tea and I won first prize in the raffle  Everyone congratulates me and say I deserve it after the year I've had.  How lovely to say that to me.  So I call Mary and say we will enjoy it together as a thank you to her.  So Hardwick Hall thanks for the gift of tea for two and we are really looking forward to it.  Hubby is good today and has been my chauffeur he looked very handsome in his new jumper.   See you tomorrow. 

A good night's sleep for us both but hubby still has a horrid morning cough.  I think I will have to get used to it but it reminds me of the cancer invading his lung and my mind takes time to recover. All I have to do today is food shop and cook, it's 4.5 degrees again and so cold I have to wear a winter coat.  So hubby has gone to check his golf buggy, which means he wants a ride out!  So I'm watching TV on my new Now box instead of poor people's tv as my husband calls it.  So wrap up warm all of you and take care. Xx