Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

Morning Caz,

A tought has occurred to me reading your post today and I wonder if you realise it. You seem to experience 'quality of life', despite all the downs. You're actually out and about, seeing people and doing stuff. Your husband also, although to a moch lower degree.

It will of course be a much changed and maybe diminished quality of life but it's there nonetheless. You certainly do a lot more than me and I think I have quality of life. For me it's all about little things but obviously different people have different wants, needs and expectations. Do you feel you have it? D'you feel you have to strive to have it or need to put effort into it?

Anyway, that was just my first thoughts this morning. Your writing, as ever, speaks to something in all of us, I think. We can all relate. I wish you both well.

Best Regards

Taff

Hi Taff, nice to hear from you!!  Yes I have quality of life but it's now within a twenty mile radius, it used to be 600 miles .  So I keep in touch with friends without trying because it's always been my way.  Hubby is getting better each day and we hope to be able to do more together as time passes.  His quality of life has been awful to watch and I have never left him when he has been too ill,    Family have always cheered us up and you are right little things matter, a nice cup of tea, a chat, feeding the birds and watching tipping point and calling everyone idiots that can't answer simple questions! !  It  upsets him as he says my life is on hold because of him, but to have him here in this way is better than him not being here at all.  I hope you are doing well and love hearing from you.  Regards Carol 

I also think it's important that you can still get a nark on with him, the normal state of married life with it's getting on each other's nerves from time to time. That's a normality that I like and what many miss out on, I think.

And of course, very few people write about all the minutae and are probably not aware of it for most of the time. I think they're missing out.

That's true Taff. 

The stair lift did have a fault so it's fixed and we dash to the hairdresser before I miss this appointment.   I have coffee nd scone in my usual quiet coffee shop, ten minutes with the newspaper and call him to get me, it's  1.5 degrees and too cold to wander around. Back home we have ham and egg pie from the market and then he decides to nod off in the conservatory due to lack of sleep.  I  sit in the front room and Watch Elephant Walk , with Elizabeth Taylor and Peter Finch,  peace reigns until the doorbell rings, it's someone trying  to sell me double glazing so I'm not amused.   There's a funny smell permeating the house so I walk into the kitchen and it's strong and catching my throat, hubby is sat asleep and oblivious to the smell, it's the small electric fan heater burning through the plastic and causing the fumes.  I can't breathe let alone him and I don't have cancer or a cough!!  I 1 pull the plug out and he wants to know why I've switched it off!! Oh my God, he complains about my few candles and a few duvets hanging off the banisters to dry, doing a man with a bad chest no good, but can sleep through a burning fan, he's lucky I haven't hung him from the bedding off the banister! !  Anyway we are still here and I managed my tooth splint last night,  so I should now hang onto my teeth.  Patch up time on his bum, plaster out, he manages to stick it to his thumb, then his underpants and then asks me what I'm waiting for, stick it on he says,  I just laugh, it's so funny,  like a carry on film but our real life,  have a good day all of you. Xx

Well we seem to have survived trying to asphyxiate ourselves and it's  a gorgeous day.  Unfortunately hubby is suffering with a sore mouth, due to the sirloin 28 day matured steak I cooked, to keep his blood levels up!!  So today he's living on shredded wheat and bananas, if he complains one more time about it he'll be living on it for good  I can't find anyone to go to the Wynyard Glass House with me so decided to go on my own.  It's  beautifully done and I buy a couple of things to go with my new China and a couple of embroidered Easter cards for the family.  I walk slowly through the gardens and fountains and decide to have soup and a roll.  The soup is cold and as thin as gruel and the bun is a piece of crust hard baguette.   I try my hardest but it's horrible so I complain.  Money refunded I decide to not let it spoil my day walk outside, stand on a pepple and promptly fall over!!  I land on my hip and jar my wrist, but there's no one about to help, so I pick myself and my shopping up and hobble to my car.  I'm safely home and because we don't keep pain killers in the house Hubby  has gone to get me some.  I bet I've seized up by tomorrow! !  Take care .xx

Hello Carol; have just caught up with your last few posts.  You have survived a few mishaps; let's hope ityou get a hassle-free couple of days to make up.  Have just come back from taking the dog out; it is bitter cold and I have just removed the top two layers of clothing.  Am having a little glass of Baileys to warm me up; only a little one as alcohol and I don't really get on - it gives me a headache.  Hope you are not sufering too much.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  I'm stretched out on the sofa with a bag of maltesers,  ok if I don't move!It would be nice to have some warmer weather,  enjoy your Baileys,  very warming.   Xx

It's  minus 0.5 degrees here today and I have a vest,  thermal T shirt and a jumper, boots and socks on and that's in the house!  I ache all over, I've realised the older you get the harder the fall and I don't have much flesh on my hip bone.   Hubby still has an awful cough but I have given up getting up with him as according to the Doctor his chest is fine. I've  dashed to the shop in a blizzard for a few essential sand intend going nowhere else today.  Sofa sitting is safer for both of us today.  She you tomorrow. 

It's a blizzard so I don't attempt to go out.  Hubby stays in bed and I call both my daughters,  tell them all s well and decide to have coffee and toast in peace, I should have known better !   Beep, beep goes the stair lift and hubby comes down, I put bread  to toast  for him, fill the kettle, get the milk out and ask him if he can manage to do his own bread,  of course I can he states.  The next thing I know the whole house is without electricity as he has tried to shove the bread in the wrong way and the toaster has predictably cut out causing us to have no power cut, the bread is too thick for the toaster! He says annoyed.  I now have to go out In to the snow and the garage,  move the recycling and numerous other paraphernalia, get the stepladders and  climb up to the roof to reset the trip switch.  He's not in the least bit sorry, although we have to re-set the heating and the  microwave amd he gets annoyed with me because the torch won't work and he can't see in the airing cupboard .  Anything that upsets his routine is a big issue and I put this down to him having not been responsible for anything at all, over the past year.  I can see I'm not in for a good day as my new Now TV box has just arrived and hubby wants to know about how it works, I will have to read the instructions I say patiently,  that'll be a first he says sarcastically .  My temper is rising and one more nasty comment,  there is going to be ructions.   I'll see you tomorrow .

It's a blizzard so I don't attempt to go out.  Hubby stays in bed and I call both my daughters,  tell them all s well and decide to have coffee and toast in peace, I should have known better !   Beep, beep goes the stair lift and hubby comes down, I put bread  to toast  for him, fill the kettle, get the milk out and ask him if he can manage to do his own bread,  of course I can he states.  The next thing I know the whole house is without electricity as he has tried to shove the bread in the wrong way and the toaster has predictably cut out causing us to have no power cut, the bread is too thick for the toaster! He says annoyed.  I now have to go out In to the snow and the garage,  move the recycling and numerous other paraphernalia, get the stepladders and  climb up to the roof to reset the trip switch.  He's not in the least bit sorry, although we have to re-set the heating and the  microwave amd he gets annoyed with me because the torch won't work and he can't see in the airing cupboard .  Anything that upsets his routine is a big issue and I put this down to him having not been responsible for anything at all, over the past year.  I can see I'm not in for a good day as my new Now TV box has just arrived and hubby wants to know about how it works, I will have to read the instructions I say patiently,  that'll be a first he says sarcastically .  My temper is rising and one more nasty comment,  there is going to be ructions.   I'll see you tomorrow .

The blizzard carried on all afternoon and it was as chilly inside the house as out due to the atmosphere.   I kept shutting the doors to keep us warn,  which resulted in  being accused of locking him in the kitchen,  I'd had enough by now and shouted I'm locking the noise out, not you in, this must have hit a nerve as at tea time he turned the volume down whilst I cooked tea, the Holocaust is not conducive to cooking a happy meal.  I know he's tired and his leg is hurting him but being locked together al day is too hard.  I hate knowing that this cancer is not going away and we have to live with the consequences  but it's too hard some days.  The box from Amazon was his birthday present,our daughter has sent him weights for his arms, they should come in handy when I feel like knocking him out for some peace and quiet! ! He was up again in the night and we are both worried  about this cough, if it hasn't gone when he finishes the steroids we are going back to the Doctors again.  This morning I was addressed as Darling when I gave him his up of tea, let's see how today goes

We have a slightly better day but hubby's mood  is not improving.   He is tired because of the coughing and stuck in the house because of the snow. We try to go out for a few necessities and I'm trussed up in all my winter clothing trying to sweep six inches of snow off the car, our lovely neighbour has cleaned the path again and I start sweeping the snow away from the cleaned area.  Another neighbour who has just retired pops over to say he will go fo  us but hubby is brusque with him and says he wants to go out.   Dave offers to help sweep the snow and promptly sweeps it al over the cleared area and All over me as I'm brushing the other side.  I'm now covered in snow and have to get the snow shovel out to clear the already cleared pathway !!  I say thanks anyway and off we go.  Hubby moans all the way there and I'm lost as to what is going on, we get back home and he promptly falls asleep in his sheepskin chair.  Today it's minus 8 degrees and our neighbours come in for coffee,  I think this may cheer him up but when they leave he wants me to go for a newspaper,  I refuse and tell him  I'm not risking my life for the Daily Mirror, another sulk, ,so I say go get it yourself, he actually considers this until the snow whizzes past the kitchen window  and the cooker hood rattles.  So he's back in the chair for another nod off.  I've had to cancel my lunch/cinema day out,  I hate winter!  See you tomorrow if we haven't frozen to death.

Hello again.  Some things (by which read lots of things) are definitely sent to try us  I hate the cold too I could mention certains words that would be x'd out by the moderators if I said what I thought of the swirling snow and the cold, cold,cold.  I suppose I should be grateful I live in a city where many of the roads are kept clear but I don't feel grateful!  Before going to bed last night I put out some odds and ends from the fridge out for the foxes; I know we are not supposed to do this but they have become a fact of life now and they need to eat.  So they had a supper of fish fingers, spaghetti bolognese and some raspberries(!)   How long is this weather going to last - you must be tearing your hair out!  Let spring come soon.  Annie 

Hi ANNIE,  I still have hair left!  My daughter lives in Surrey and has just phoned to say Harry was off school due to snow but there was none!  It's ridiculous when I went to school come hell or high water you got there either by walking, bike or any bus that turned up!  The trouble is we are housebound as it is so bad.  The wind is ferocious and it's dark already.  It makes you eat more as well because you need fuel to stay warm. We haven't got any foxes just birds, hedgehogs in summer and a big fat rat that keeps appearing due to the fields.  So wrap up warm and Spring is on its way!!

Love Carolx 

Both daughter's call and ask if we are OK in the frozen North! Do we need care packages sending (only joking as they know we cope). I feel sorry for old age pensioners who can't cope but we are pretty strong and have a friendly community looking out for each other .  A neighbour popped over today with a card and present for hubby's birthday on Sunday and offers to get anything we need, but we are going to brave the weather and go grocery shopping because we need a break from these four walls.  His mood seems a little better today but everything is still a hassle and causes his mood to change. I call this blog living with cancer and it would seem each day is a challenge in a different way.,  One friend said he should embrace his results and enjoy life, yes if you are fit and don't have a death sentence constantly over your head, you probably would.  But life is not that simple and those living with cancer cope in their own way.  People need to respect how they live one day at a time and we all know if you haven't got cancer ,  or live daily with it, you will NEVER Understand .  So back home safely, feet up, Shepherds pie for tea and batton down the hatches.  Take care all of you. X

We both pigged out on shepherds pie and I added wine!  Hubby is still struggling with his sore leg and James Cook cancelled Monday's appointment as the parts haven't arrived. We didn't know we were waiting for parts so a little surprised at that.  He was up coughing again in the night but not getting me out of bed, which is helpful as it is minus five during the night.   I go to town as it's his birthday tomorrow and I've bought him nothing.  A Jeremy Clarkson book (his hero even though he punched someone in the face) two new jumpers and a coffee and scone and I'm back home.  My sister in law is coming but she phones to say her sister has been admitted to James Cook either with a seizure or another stroke. Everyone is falling apart, even Sue as she had an op on her wrist yesterday and can't drive.   I offer my services for next week but hope the weather is better than this.  I'm not sure if we are going out for lunch tomorrow, it's not been mentioned again and I'm getting to the stage where I don't really care, it's been such a hassle the joy has gone out of the treat.  See you tomorrow .

Hubby is 72 years old today and I'm not sure we thought we would make this milestone last year. He has not been at all well although most people say how well he looks!  He has huffed and puffed and moaned all morning,  choosing the only shirt that needed ironing and a pair of trousers that a button needs sewing on.  I carry his  presents downstairs and he decides he will have a bath so can he have them upstairs  instead,  one ot hem is weights for strengthening his arms so I stagger back up to his room with them.  He opens everyone's but mine and says how lovely, mine is a book that Jeremy Clarkson has written (his hero) but all I get is , oh not another book!  I feel really hurt by this and leave him to it whilst I get the papers.  When he finally comes down I have gone for  papers,  fuel so I can drive,  ironed his shirt,  sewn a button on,  made him tea and biscuits,  run up and down the stairs and he has the audacity to say we will be late if I don't get a move on!!  I go upstairs,  swear out loud and decide if he wants to be a miserable  old git he can get on with it.  The doorbell rings and our neighbours have bought him gifts,  he thanks them profusely, smiling and laughing, I could merrily kill him.  We put our coats on and the bell rings again, it's my brother travelled over from Gilling and he practically pushes him back out the door telling them we are off out.  I tell them to come in, this is so rude, I'm going to start and be a bit more normal with him as he is acting like a spoilt child.  We have just arrived home after a lovely dinner at the Otter and Fish and a relaxed atmosphere,  he has enjoyed himself, eaten well and looked happy.  Tomorrow I am on a mission to get him back to being more responsible for himself and not as patient as I have been, normality needs to reign in this house!!

Hi Caz

I just wanted to say to you what a wonderful person you are. I’ve been following your posts since my Dads diagnosis of stage 4 cancer since December. You remind me of my mum.. She’s been doing a lot of running around for my Dad and she gets moaned at by him! 

Sadly my Dad has taken a turn for the worse he’s at home with us looking after him. I just wanted to say what great job you do and make sure you look after yourself!

Kind Regards 

Tilly

Happy Birthday to your husband

Thanks Tilly, I am sorry to hear about your Dad and know what your Mum is going through,  It's  quite galling when you do your best and still get moaned at.  Thank you for reading my posts, I say what I feel so some days are quite bad and some good.  Cancer rules, even though you try to not let it.  Stay strong, your Mum needs you.  Xx