Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

I sleep until 9 o'clock but feel slightly down in my mood.  It's just me and hubby again and I get no tea in bed or cuddles and kisses from gorgeous cuddly grandchildren, ,I miss them all terribly and don't know when I will see them again.   I used to go down regularly to have lots of days with them, help the daughter's whilst I was there and know that hubby could look after himself.  I'm not sure this is ever going to happen again, I'm worried about the tumour growing fast as it did last year.   Four months seems a long time to leave someone with a 3. 2 cm tumour but what do I know,the Oncologist seemed to think we should just get on with it.  It's  only 3.5 degrees here again so I nip to the shop,collect papers and tea bags (they have eaten and drunk ,me out of house and home!).Hubby still needs patching up so that's done before coffee is drunk along with my usual pan a raisin.   We have a quiet morning then go to Sam Turners for bird seed.  We spot some beautiful China for the kitchen, which had hedgehogs, foxes and hares on each one, we have never been happy with the China we bought originally so hubby says to buy it.  I now have a gorgeous tea pot, sugar, tea, coffee,  milk jug, sugar basin and four new mugs.  Hubby tells the shop keeper,  we only came in for bird seed!!  It's nice to be out together and he wants to spoil me.  Going back for the cake tins during the week!!  See you tomorrow. Xx 

Hubby had a funny turn last night.  He had looked at me weirdly yesterday morning as If I was from another plamet (being a woman, probably debatable! ).  I had asked him if I was dressed funny but apparently not!!  So at ten last night he said he felt weird as if his brain had something in it that he couldn't pin point.   He then promptly threw a half glass of Stella all overy my newly polished, hoovered kitchen,  which I then stood in and skidded across the kitchen floor, It took e nearly half and hour to clean up, wash the rug, clean the tiled floor and wash my feet.  I wished I had hindsight about his weird feelings.   I went to bed and by half eleven I could hear the stair lift beeping (this drives me mad, I feel like a cat caught in a cat scarer.) I get out of bed and he's at the bottom of the stairs pushing the control constantly.   I end up having to switch it off, back on again, sit on it, see if it works but it's having none of it.  We now have a situation where he can't get up and it's pointless me going down.  He eventually hauls himself up one stair at a time and we finally get into bed a midnight.  Life is so hard sometimes I want to sream! Anyway I go for my blood pressure test and after three goes they are happy, at least something has gone according to plan, I'm then stabbed with a needle to test my kidneys (unexpected  by the way), so I don't have to go back for a year, at least that saves me time!see you tomorrow. Xx

Hello caz; this is all a bit unsettling for you.  Has your husband had these funny turns before?  You need to look out for yourself, you could have hurt yourself skating around the kitchen floor.  You sounded a bit down yesterday - and with good reason as things you used to love doing together are slipping away from you.  I am so pleased you are telling us the tale as it unfolds.  Is the stair lift now working normally?  Good that your tests are okay.  When you say you wre stabbed in your kidneys unexpectedly I had a vision of a doctor creeping up on you, needle in hand, while someone else distracted you!   Annie

Hi ANNIE,  life is ups and downs with this cancer,  so some days are better than others.  I write as I feel so it's  an honest blog! The stair lift worked this morning but is a bit like us it has its dodgy days. My stabbing was in the arm, but no one had mentioned it before I went!  I hate having bloods done so there may have been a plan by the nurse.  Last time I fainted, threw up and had to get a friend to fetch me as they wouldn't let me drive home!  It's  nice to hear from you, keep it up.  Love Carol 

Hubby has had a bad night , every day is so different,  good one day, bad the next, I think we shall have to get used to this,  I'm not sure if life will ever get back to "normal".  I ask if he is OK to leave so I can get to zumba and he says yes, but I hear him groaning in the bathroom,  this is his private space so I leave him alone.  My friends ask how he is and are happy with our news but understand that it's not over.  Anyway we have a good class, I pay for my afternoon tea 1920 day out and the instructor asks if I have any dietary requirements,  yes I tell her, cake,  cake and more cake!  We all have a laugh at this and air kiss each other goodbye,  proper kissing is banned for me hubby doesn't need their germs.   So back home I tell him it's a lovely day and he needs to go out, so he's just gone to see if the Toffs (the old fogies) have finished their game of golf and have a coffee with them.  Feet up for me as I am going out with friends for a meal tonight,  one has just got back from Thailand and I'm very excited to hear about the trip.  Good friends, food and wine, what more could a girl ask for?!!  See you tomorrow. Xx

Hiya Carol.  I think your blog is great, it just tells it as it comes and I am used to what you are writing being just the plain facts, no exagerrating or diminishing.    You are just showing how you can get used to anything when the need arises!   Bit of a grey day in London, though better than yesterday which was wet and windy so I need to apply myself to doing something useful like getting my back fence (blown down in the winds) sorted.  The bloke who had left a load of bits and pieces in the alleyway between our houses is now working with me and has started clearing his stuff so I have said I will pay some of the costs if he will include my broken fencing and various odds and ends that have been hanging around for ages.  So it may all be fixed soon - although when I say that I know how the best laid plans etc etc.  Onward and upward (for my new fence anyway!).

God luck with the fence and cleaning up.  It's a gorgeous day here although still only 7 degrees.   Happy that you enjoy the blog, honesty is the best policy they say and from comments received it seems to help sufferers and carers understand that they are not alone in the way things happen  with a cancer diagnosis.   Xx

I have a great night out but drink far too much.   The girls say I need to relax after the last months of uncertainty and illness, so like a good friend I obey.  However it comes back to bite me in the night and my sleep is constantly disturbed, I'm  hot , cold feeling sick and regret my abandon.  Anyway I go to my dance class and put as much effort in to sweat it out and it works .  Back home hubby has managed to get his own breakfast and looks rested after a better nights sleep.  The weather is gorgeous so I tell him we will go out after our trip to the charity shop and the tip and he agrees!  So we set off and do a massive round trip via Tees dale and  the surrounding villages, looking at the crocuses and snow drops,  of which there are hundreds.  We drop into Barnard Castle and stop for a bag of chips each at the 149 !fish shop.  We chat away without the television blaring away in the back ground and listen to a good Steve Wright show and remember all the oldies, singing along to them as we go.  I am trying to get him back into going out with friends, as it is his birthday next month I suggest lunch with friends but this is shot down in flames.  He seems scared of having to be in a group of people and I suppose I must accept this for now.  Have other cancer sufferers felt the same?  Is it a lack of confidence after all the treatment and being housebound for so long, I don't know and I feel that all my suggestions at a normal life are brushed to one side.  But we have had a good day and I hope this is a look to the future of how life can be, even though you are living in limbo.  See you tomorrow .

I'm having a stressful day!   Hubby is coughing so badly I think his insides will come up, I squint at the alarm clock and it is 6 am.  I groan and try to ignore it but I know deep down only a drink and my talking to him will help.  I can't find my slippers so I pad around on the cold tiled floor putting last night's dishes away whilst the kettle boils. I sit with him and go back to bed at 6.30.  Up again because the cough starts again, another cup of  tea and I give up.  My phone pings and I have a fraudulent transaction reported.  I call them back and end up with an Indian lady claiming to be based in Glasgow , I think she asks for my post code and politely supply it, is that a savings account she asks, It turns out she's said sort code, you can imagine the rest of the conversation .  They don't even seem to know which card.   After numerous being put on hold,  I speak to an English speaking person and it's not my transaction , so my card is chopped in half for security reasons and a new one issued.  Since then I've  had a house phone call another text message and am stressed to Hell.   Hubby gets an appointment for June  and for the first time asks what will be going on inside him during the next four months,  I don't know I  say, we both look at each other knowing our thoughts are the same.  His birthday is next Sunday so I give up on the friends joining us and just book us two.  Everything is so up in the air I'm not even sure if he will be well enough.  He now thinks he has a chest infection and I'm agreeing with his diagnosis.   Ten days of steroids have done nothing to ease this cough and we are at a loss as what to do about it.  Once again we are left with our own worries and no one seems to care!  I'm off to have coffee with my friend before she jets off on holiday again, I am green with envy.  See you tomorrow 

There is no chest infection as he actually takes my advice (WOW) and asks the nurse to check him, she calls the Doctor in who came to the house many times during his bad period, she does chest, oxygen levels and talks to him about folic acid and gives him some suppressant for the night. It doesn't work and we are both awake again in the night, this takes me back to getting up with kids in the night, the only difference is I was forty years younger and could take it!!  The stair lift has broken again so we're waiting for our guy to arrive and then I'm off for a hair cut as the last one was November last year and it's getting a little long,  I could plait it if it gets left any longer.  I popped to see Maggie before she goes on a walking trip in New Zealand on Sunday.   She shows me where they are going and I'm expecting a few sheets of paper, she comes down with a massive file filled to the brim of, times, places,  car hire, how long the walks are, it goes on and on and I don't think my trainee when I worked did as much for her NVQ! !  Maggie is daunted by her hubby's precision and is worried about keeping up on these trails,or getting lost, I suggest she takes toilet roll in her back pack,  just in case and that she may need extra baggage for the file.   We have a good laugh and I kiss her goodbye,  she'll be missing for a month,  well I hope it's only a month.   So I'll sign off until tomorrow.  Xx

There is no chest infection as he actually takes my advice (WOW) and asks the nurse to check him, she calls the Doctor in who came to the house many times during his bad period, she does chest, oxygen levels and talks to him about folic acid and gives him some suppressant for the night. It doesn't work and we are both awake again in the night, this takes me back to getting up with kids in the night, the only difference is I was forty years younger and could take it!!  The stair lift has broken again so we're waiting for our guy to arrive and then I'm off for a hair cut as the last one was November last year and it's getting a little long,  I could plait it if it gets left any longer.  I popped to see Maggie before she goes on a walking trip in New Zealand on Sunday.   She shows me where they are going and I'm expecting a few sheets of paper, she comes down with a massive file filled to the brim of, times, places,  car hire, how long the walks are, it goes on and on and I don't think my trainee when I worked did as much for her NVQ! !  Maggie is daunted by her hubby's precision and is worried about keeping up on these trails,or getting lost, I suggest she takes toilet roll in her back pack,  just in case and that she may need extra baggage for the file.   We have a good laugh and I kiss her goodbye,  she'll be missing for a month,  well I hope it's only a month.   So I'll sign off until tomorrow.  Xx

Morning Caz,

A tought has occurred to me reading your post today and I wonder if you realise it. You seem to experience 'quality of life', despite all the downs. You're actually out and about, seeing people and doing stuff. Your husband also, although to a moch lower degree.

It will of course be a much changed and maybe diminished quality of life but it's there nonetheless. You certainly do a lot more than me and I think I have quality of life. For me it's all about little things but obviously different people have different wants, needs and expectations. Do you feel you have it? D'you feel you have to strive to have it or need to put effort into it?

Anyway, that was just my first thoughts this morning. Your writing, as ever, speaks to something in all of us, I think. We can all relate. I wish you both well.

Best Regards

Taff

Hi Taff, nice to hear from you!!  Yes I have quality of life but it's now within a twenty mile radius, it used to be 600 miles .  So I keep in touch with friends without trying because it's always been my way.  Hubby is getting better each day and we hope to be able to do more together as time passes.  His quality of life has been awful to watch and I have never left him when he has been too ill,    Family have always cheered us up and you are right little things matter, a nice cup of tea, a chat, feeding the birds and watching tipping point and calling everyone idiots that can't answer simple questions! !  It  upsets him as he says my life is on hold because of him, but to have him here in this way is better than him not being here at all.  I hope you are doing well and love hearing from you.  Regards Carol 

I also think it's important that you can still get a nark on with him, the normal state of married life with it's getting on each other's nerves from time to time. That's a normality that I like and what many miss out on, I think.

And of course, very few people write about all the minutae and are probably not aware of it for most of the time. I think they're missing out.

That's true Taff. 

The stair lift did have a fault so it's fixed and we dash to the hairdresser before I miss this appointment.   I have coffee nd scone in my usual quiet coffee shop, ten minutes with the newspaper and call him to get me, it's  1.5 degrees and too cold to wander around. Back home we have ham and egg pie from the market and then he decides to nod off in the conservatory due to lack of sleep.  I  sit in the front room and Watch Elephant Walk , with Elizabeth Taylor and Peter Finch,  peace reigns until the doorbell rings, it's someone trying  to sell me double glazing so I'm not amused.   There's a funny smell permeating the house so I walk into the kitchen and it's strong and catching my throat, hubby is sat asleep and oblivious to the smell, it's the small electric fan heater burning through the plastic and causing the fumes.  I can't breathe let alone him and I don't have cancer or a cough!!  I 1 pull the plug out and he wants to know why I've switched it off!! Oh my God, he complains about my few candles and a few duvets hanging off the banisters to dry, doing a man with a bad chest no good, but can sleep through a burning fan, he's lucky I haven't hung him from the bedding off the banister! !  Anyway we are still here and I managed my tooth splint last night,  so I should now hang onto my teeth.  Patch up time on his bum, plaster out, he manages to stick it to his thumb, then his underpants and then asks me what I'm waiting for, stick it on he says,  I just laugh, it's so funny,  like a carry on film but our real life,  have a good day all of you. Xx

Well we seem to have survived trying to asphyxiate ourselves and it's  a gorgeous day.  Unfortunately hubby is suffering with a sore mouth, due to the sirloin 28 day matured steak I cooked, to keep his blood levels up!!  So today he's living on shredded wheat and bananas, if he complains one more time about it he'll be living on it for good  I can't find anyone to go to the Wynyard Glass House with me so decided to go on my own.  It's  beautifully done and I buy a couple of things to go with my new China and a couple of embroidered Easter cards for the family.  I walk slowly through the gardens and fountains and decide to have soup and a roll.  The soup is cold and as thin as gruel and the bun is a piece of crust hard baguette.   I try my hardest but it's horrible so I complain.  Money refunded I decide to not let it spoil my day walk outside, stand on a pepple and promptly fall over!!  I land on my hip and jar my wrist, but there's no one about to help, so I pick myself and my shopping up and hobble to my car.  I'm safely home and because we don't keep pain killers in the house Hubby  has gone to get me some.  I bet I've seized up by tomorrow! !  Take care .xx

Hello Carol; have just caught up with your last few posts.  You have survived a few mishaps; let's hope ityou get a hassle-free couple of days to make up.  Have just come back from taking the dog out; it is bitter cold and I have just removed the top two layers of clothing.  Am having a little glass of Baileys to warm me up; only a little one as alcohol and I don't really get on - it gives me a headache.  Hope you are not sufering too much.  Annie

Hi ANNIE,  I'm stretched out on the sofa with a bag of maltesers,  ok if I don't move!It would be nice to have some warmer weather,  enjoy your Baileys,  very warming.   Xx

It's  minus 0.5 degrees here today and I have a vest,  thermal T shirt and a jumper, boots and socks on and that's in the house!  I ache all over, I've realised the older you get the harder the fall and I don't have much flesh on my hip bone.   Hubby still has an awful cough but I have given up getting up with him as according to the Doctor his chest is fine. I've  dashed to the shop in a blizzard for a few essential sand intend going nowhere else today.  Sofa sitting is safer for both of us today.  She you tomorrow. 

It's a blizzard so I don't attempt to go out.  Hubby stays in bed and I call both my daughters,  tell them all s well and decide to have coffee and toast in peace, I should have known better !   Beep, beep goes the stair lift and hubby comes down, I put bread  to toast  for him, fill the kettle, get the milk out and ask him if he can manage to do his own bread,  of course I can he states.  The next thing I know the whole house is without electricity as he has tried to shove the bread in the wrong way and the toaster has predictably cut out causing us to have no power cut, the bread is too thick for the toaster! He says annoyed.  I now have to go out In to the snow and the garage,  move the recycling and numerous other paraphernalia, get the stepladders and  climb up to the roof to reset the trip switch.  He's not in the least bit sorry, although we have to re-set the heating and the  microwave amd he gets annoyed with me because the torch won't work and he can't see in the airing cupboard .  Anything that upsets his routine is a big issue and I put this down to him having not been responsible for anything at all, over the past year.  I can see I'm not in for a good day as my new Now TV box has just arrived and hubby wants to know about how it works, I will have to read the instructions I say patiently,  that'll be a first he says sarcastically .  My temper is rising and one more nasty comment,  there is going to be ructions.   I'll see you tomorrow .