Hi Amanda

I just lost my dad to cancer and I had a very similar thing with him, he stopped letting me visit, he always had excuse why I couldn't go to my parents house on the odd saturday like I used to (I live nearly 40 miles away) and when the chemo started it made it even harder as he genuinely said he felt too poorly and tired to see people, eventually though he started to even blank the fact that I was askin to visit and that made me realise that things were getting serious and he meant business! 

We loved each other to bits but yes like in your situation I was kept in the dark and no matter what I gently tried to probe from him, he was very evasive. It was a short battle that shocked me but I fully realise that it could have been going on a lot longer than I knew of because of his secrecy, I could never find out how advanced the cancer was or what options he might have had - I was so on the verge of ringing the hospital treating them and begging them to let me ask his oncologist some questions!

I felt kind of alone too as my mum can be quite insular plus he would never let her tell me things either!

Cancer is an evil son of a b, it comes into our lives and neither us or the loved ones that get have any preparation for what it does or makes us feel! I don't ever want to have to go through it with myself or a loved one ever again! I hope these trials and experiments start to pay oiff and change things soon.

Hi Amanda

not sure if it's a man thing ( I don't mean that disrespectfully, just that men don't like to worry their partners) or a kidney cancer thing!

my husband has been recently been diagnosed with kidney cancer with a metastasis in hip. Leading up to operation ( which we knew was complex due to spread) I was not allowed to talk about it or show emotion. He even threw me out of the hospital on the day of his op without a goodbye. I was heartbroken.

Now the op is over I tried to talk about the next stage and guess what-' I don't want to talk about it'!

The primary has been removed successfully and only one met, but I know he still has more to go through 

When he came out if hospital I saw the first sign of emotion where he admitted how scared he was, but since then nothing

i guess we have to accept their attitude but we are travelling the journey too and it makes it very hard

i feel your pain, hope that helps

zelda x

As a terminal male person myself, i can somewhat relate to his attitude. He must in a stage where he want to sort things out for himself or maybe he is still in denial stage and as much as possible he dont want to destroy the illusion as it helps us cope with everyday living. Its a bit complicated really and it thus takes some time. Men (specially the logical NT type of personaility) usually dont want emotional situations because it is really stressful psychologically. If you are the type who is easily cries or who easily get emotionally aggravated or who usually respond based on what you feel then he is probably sparing you from stressful news and is ensuring that the situation will remain logical and less emotional as much as possible. Thats one way is reducing the stress of the situation which is already stressful to us terminals... at least its quite true to my case

HI Amanda

My husband won't talk about his cancer either. He has bowel cancer which has spread and is now inoperable. Chemo hasn't worked the first time around, we are awaiting the next steps (we'll find out today actually...). I do go with him to the hospital appointments because he isn't good with keeping up with medications and appointment dates etc. (so in a way I'm there as his PA!) and so I know what is happening, but once we're out of the doctor's office, that's it, we don't talk about it because he doesn't want to. 

Each time I try to talk about it and what we need to do, he just replies that "he isn't dead yet" which makes me feel even worse. But I do think that it's either because he still believes that the doctors are wrong and that it will all sort itself out, or because he doesn't want me to worry (which of course I do even more since we don't talk about it). 

The other day I spoke to one of my friend who had breast cancer - she is now in remission. She told me how she saw her next door neighbour crying in his car alone one morning. He said that he was struggling with his wife's illness but didn't want to show it in front her and did his best to keep strong for her but it was so hard. My friend said that that's when it hit her how hard it must have been for her own husband when she was going through treatment. She hadn't really thought about how her family was feeling as she was so worried herself, and only realised when she saw her neighbour crying on his own. 

I hope your husband eventually sees the benefit in you being there for him and helping him go through all this as it's really difficult for everyone involved. 

Best wishes.

Hi Amanda

My husband also has kidney cancer. He had a nephrectomy in July 2015 and we found out in September it had recurred in the tissue behind where his kidney was and metastised in his stomach. He is a stage 4 and is on immuno- therapy drug pazopanib which he takes daily. He also doesn't talk about it much. I ask him how he feels, does he need pain killers etc, but he just seems to cope with it. He doesn't sleep well and he is worrying, he knows I am here for him and would talk but he keeps a lot of it to himself. I think sometimes we just have to respect this is the way they cope. When I asked why he couldn't sleep he said would you with this inside you, so I just wait now until he wants to say something. It is hard for us carers so make sure you have someone to talk to- I attacked a bush in the garden the other day in sheer frustration as he was having a bad day, it helped. This website is also good for sounding off. It makes us realise we are not alone and someone will always offer advice or a thoughtful idea. Keep your chin up and best wishes

What is the experimental treatment he is going through? Is is chemo based? If so he is probably experiencing side effects and doesn't want to worry you further.

Chrissie

Hi Amanda

I found this site when I felt much as you do right now.  My husband had a different cancer (Mesotheliioma) and only palliative care for nearly three years.  During the majority of that time he constantly pushed me away and could not understand why I felt so left out of the loop and frustrated that he would not 'let me in'. When I finally broke down in front of him because of this he calmly told me that it was nothing that I had done or not done but merely that he could not deal with the emotional side of it.  He preferred to cry alone and was ok with it if I did to (of course we were both in a state).  When he finally had to finish work, about six months after diagnosis he spent most days 'swiching off in front of the tv'.  Eventually his oncologist and GP talked him into getting me to attend appointments with him as he had obviously talked about how it was affecting me bless him.Whilst it did not change his own behaviour it did mean that I knew what was happening and lead to greater understanding of his needs to deal with his illness in his own way. I was the go-between with our adult children as far as information was concerned but this forum was my support and I am still on it even though hubby died in January 2015.  I still need to offload on occasion but it sometimes helps me to help others facing the emotional rollercoaster that living with cancer in the family can bring.

After talking here I also realised that I needed to take a step back and I told him that I would not start a conversation about his cancer if that was his wish.  I do not regret making that decision because it was the cancer that was causing his behaviour towards me.  He truly felt he was preparing me for the time when I would be on my own by distancing himself.  It broke my heart many times but our love and respect for each other won through and I was there to hold his hand when he needed it most.

Hope you find the forum helps during this emotional and sometimes downright lonely time. Take care  Jules54