Cancer Research UK main site
  • Replies 10 replies
  • Views 2079 views
  • Users 0 members are here

A TABOO SUBJECT FOR MEN

woodworm
Offline

Hi everyone,

I want to talk about a taboo subject for men. I recently attended a workshop for Macmillan Cancer and I was the only man there apart from three guys from Macmillan. Most of the talk centred around women's problems like hair loss and wigs until the guy in charge of our table said that men also have problems particularly with sex and cancer and these had not been mentioned. He then looked at me, so I spoke up and when I had finished, I was thanked for talking about it as openly as I had.

When men have hormone therapy for prostate cancer, I think 97% of men have problems with loss of libido and erectile dysfunction to differing degrees. We men  don't like talking about it even to our wives/partners as we see it as affecting our masculinity. Since having had prostate cancer, I have read many books and articles about prostate cancer and have read that because of a mans inability to get an erection, it has caused many relationships to break up. The way it was written, the women seemed to be blamed for this which I felt was unfair.

I think the problem occurs mainly because we men don't talk openly and honestly about it. If a man has been sexually active and then suddenly he has no interest, I think his partner may well believe he has found someone else and that's why the relationship is put under pressure. At my age it has not been a problem and I have often joked about it with my wife as my way of dealing with it. I look at it this way, I truly believe that hormone therapy has saved my life so it a small price to pay for the result I have had with my cancer. But for someone younger than me I can understand it must be a big problem.  There are aids/medication to help men with erectile dysfunction but I was never asked outright if I had this problem while undergoing treatment so kept quiet. I believe most men unless they are asked, would react much like me and keep quiet about it. Everyone on my table at the meeting was surprised I had not been asked about this while having treatment. Because diabetes also cause's the same problems, under new rules, my diabetic nurse now has to ask me if I have problems in this area so I think the same should apply when asking patients undergoing hormone therapy.

I hope I have not embarrassed anyone by writing about this, if so I apologise for it's not what I intended, but I would ask men to talk more about any side effects of treatment even if it is embarrassing for them. It is also why more men are needed on cancer committees to put men's viewpoints across.

Best wishes to you all, Brian.

 

Parents
  • Offline

    Well done Brian for bringing this up - I agree with you completely that this should be discussed by health profressionals with their patients and hellp given if needed.  Two of my immediate family have suffered with prostrate cancer - one in their forties and the other early fifty and I know that they have suffered badly and it has ended intimacy in their marriages.  This has caused them great distress and loss of confidence, plus put a strain on their relationships as they are still very young.  One has also had problems with incontinency which is another side effect which goes unmentioned.

    These are all very embarrassing symptoms for a person and a lot of guys feel too ashamed to discuss them.  Lets hope you have encouraged a few to not see this as a taboo subject and be able to talk about it openly.  x

  • Offline in reply to max56

    Hi Katheryn and Max,

    I thought long and hard before writing about this subject. Different treatments have so many side effects and  a lot of them are not easy to talk about. At the Macmillan meeting, I surprised myself by talking about this subject in front of everyone and was the first time I had done so. We always seem to have trouble talking about sex, yet is is a part of life that should not be ignored. I have been building up the courage to talk about this since a lady on here said her husband had this problem and felt less of a man because of it. But she said she loved him for what he was, not for his lack of functuality or words to that effect. But I feel a good loving relationship should be able to cope with this situation provided the man feels he can open up and explain how it effects his self esteem although I accept it will not be easy situation for either partner.

    Thank you both for you kind words as I didnt know how this would be recieved.

    Hugs to you both, Brian.

Reply
  • Offline in reply to max56

    Hi Katheryn and Max,

    I thought long and hard before writing about this subject. Different treatments have so many side effects and  a lot of them are not easy to talk about. At the Macmillan meeting, I surprised myself by talking about this subject in front of everyone and was the first time I had done so. We always seem to have trouble talking about sex, yet is is a part of life that should not be ignored. I have been building up the courage to talk about this since a lady on here said her husband had this problem and felt less of a man because of it. But she said she loved him for what he was, not for his lack of functuality or words to that effect. But I feel a good loving relationship should be able to cope with this situation provided the man feels he can open up and explain how it effects his self esteem although I accept it will not be easy situation for either partner.

    Thank you both for you kind words as I didnt know how this would be recieved.

    Hugs to you both, Brian.

Children
  • Offline in reply to woodworm

    It was very brave of you to speak up at the meeting Brian - and on here too although I think you know us well enough to know how much we all admire you and value your openess.  To be honest, I think cancer treatments affect both men and women's libido - although sadly it is more obvious for a man. Hormone treatments bring on an early menopause for us ladies with night sweats, vaginal dryness, all not too attractive to our still youngish partners. For both men and women weight gain, hair loss, scarring, boobies missing, colostomy bags/catheters etc are all part of this journey for many of us and its no wonder that the physical side of a partnership is damaged.  Cancer affects every part of our lives and like you say, it takes a very strong marriage to survive. Being able to talk about this would help us all and I really hope others find the strength to do so, if needed, because of your openess. Take care lovely man x

  • Offline in reply to max56

    Hi Max,

    Thanks for writing about the problems women get, I had rather selfishly not considered that side of things so thank you for that. I hope you are keeping well and that the new addition to your family is behaving and providing lots of joy.

    Sue,

    Thank you for your reply and kind words too and it was nice to hear from you again. Having had cancer has opened my eyes to the suffering it causes so many families. Like you, I think this forum is a great place to talk to others.

    Take care ladies, best wishes to you both, Brian.

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.