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In a bad place.

GARF
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First of all I want to say thank you Brian for your kind words on the thread that Ghost posted. It is nice to be thought about and after those brief posts I decided to follow my own advice and write about the bad place I feel I am in right now.

As some will know I have lost many friends and loved ones to cancer over the years with last year being the worst.  It was difficult watching my Dad get sicker but I feel I was actually dealing with things relatively well and even after he died in May I have coped about as well as anyone could expect although I still do mourn him because I miss him so much.  Unfortunately my Aunty died last November and it feels like her passing was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Ever since I feel like a fundementally different person!

I don't just have less patience I am actually just plain angry a lot of the time.  I look at things differently in a way that nothing seems all that important and I find it hard to put in the full effort to work and things in general that I have always given in the past.  My mind is constantly full of thoughts and feelings that will not go away no matter how I try to reason with them or sort them out in my head. I just feel different and what scares me the most is that because of my state of mind I feel differently about the the one person who has given me such great support through everything - my wife. She is such a wonderful person and has done nothing to deserve ending up with me not being the same person she married.  My Mum said a couple of years ago that "grief does funny things to people" and she was speaking from experience although I didn't fully appreciate what she meant at the time.

I have tried to concentrate on the positives in my life, of which there are many but it seems to make no difference.  Even when I read what difficult times others are going through, Beaker83 for instance, I feel guilty for wallowing in my own selfish thoughts when others are are so much worse off but even then I just revert back to my own petty problems and wrap myself back up in self pity.

Hopefully I may feel a little better for writing this and let me just thank you for reading.

Take care everyone.

Garf. 

  • Offline in reply to GARF

    Hi Garf

    Have sent  you short PM (whilst I had internet access) but just wanted to add to your thread my very best wishes for a trouble free Christmas.  Do hope all is well in theGarf

    household and that the 'muddied' trousers were well worth the effort when it came to hitting the white balls (demons) round the golf course.  Hope the weather improves significantly so that you can enjoy another game soon.   Shame that work issues are causing you so much emotional fall-out and after Christmas we will continue to support each other on this wonderful forum.  All the very best  Garf from your virtual friend .  Hugs to you and yours.  Jules xx

  • Offline in reply to GARF

    Dearest Garf,

    So sorry that you're feeling so low. I really hope that 2014 can bring you the resolution you need. You will get there, and we'll be supporting you through it!

    Wishing you a peaceful Christmas (and may I suggest a bottle of 'pre-wash' in Mrs G's stocking! You'll find it in the cleaning aisle!)

    Much love, Jo xxx

  • Offline in reply to GARF

    Take care of yourself Garf, and try to relax over the Christmas break, and enjoy being surrounded by people who love and care for you - I can't say I am looking forward to Christmas as such, but am welcoming the opportunity to have plenty of time with my loved ones and take comfort from each other.  A lot of people have said to me that Christmas will be even harder for us, which I am not sure will be the case - every day is hard, but I am trying to apprach it with some hope and optimism.

    In your case, I really hope the counselling starts to have the outcome you are hoping for, and that 2014 will bring you some peace and resolution.

    Wishing you all the very best,

    Catherine

  • Offline in reply to CAE*75

    Thank you all so very much.  It is such a comfort to have so many people who care especially when you all have your own problems to deal with.

    I promise to do my best to enjoy Christmas, although spending Christmas Eve morning on the roof in the wind and rain repairing storm damage is possibly not the best way to start. 

    You will all be in my thoughts today and tomorrow and I would like to take this opportunity to raise a virtual glass to everyone before I do it for real tomorrow.

    [[ ]]

    Merry Christmas everybody.

    Garf.

  • Offline in reply to GARF

    Hi Garf,

    Sorry to find you have had to spend time on your roof repairing storm damage. Do take care not to fall down the chimney, unless you have your Santa suit on

    Take care, best wishes, Brian

  • Offline in reply to GARF

    Hi Garf

    Sorry to read you are (or rather the house is) storm damaged - be careful on the roof - hate heights so it would be buckets under the roof for me!! Hopefully the worst of the weather has passed through but there are so many affected and its now heading North.  Why does our weather always pick 'holidays' to do its worst. Luckily only a few flying dustbins lids and fences down round our place.

    Will also be thinking of all those less fortunate them me when I raise a glass (or two) tomorrow. Cheers. Jules xx

  • Offline in reply to GARF

    Hi Garf,

    Just wondering how you are doing?  This is such a difficult time of year and emotions run wild. I hope you managed to have a peaceful Christmas and that you got to drink that "real" glass of wine.  Take care.  Hope x

  • Offline in reply to Hope23

    Hi there Hope,

    Thank you so much for asking how I am and I would like to appologise to you for not replying earlier but I'm afraid I have been neglecting the site again.  Because of the way my mind has been I often find it difficult to be able to offer people any kind of advice or comfort and so I don't visit the site as often as I used to or should.  Everyone here has been so supportive while I have been in this "bad place" and so I feel quite selfish and a little self centered for not responding to other peoples posts and problems.

    I am not too bad right now and have actually just returned from my third session with my counsellor with just one left in three weeks.  My last session was a little flat and I was concerned I may not get anything much out of today's but now that it's done I actually have quite a lot to think about so that is a posistive. That said I do seem to have gone from having good days followed by bad days to just one constant level of feeling low, I hope that makes sense!

    Thanks again Hope and take care of yourself.

    Garf. xx

  • Offline in reply to GARF

    Hi Garf,

    I'm so glad you found today's counselling session helpful.  You really musn't feel bad about not always being up to offering advice to others, this site is just a great place to be able to get comfort from when you need it, and if you feel able to offer support to others as and when then that's a bonus.  I do hope that the counselling does something towards improving your low feeling, I do know from experience that it is not a good place to be in.  Having said that I think the fact that you are having some good days now is definitely a positive; I have found this time of year to be extremely hard on the roller-coaster of grief that I still find myself on, somedays I've felt so low I thought I was abnormal.  However they are then usually followed by OK days so I know it is just the process I have to go through.  I returned to work today which was actually a good thing, and am feeling fairly OK just now.  Hang on in there Garf, I know you will get there, there will be brighter days and your mood will lift in time, I am sure of that.  Take care.  Hope x

  • Offline in reply to Hope23

    Hi everyone,

    Well it's been a little while since I updated this thread but unfortunately this morning is the time to add to it.

    I have been seeing a counsellor fairly regularly and although it has helped a little to be able to talk about everything going on in my mind it is still something I have to deal with on my own.  I still have up and down days although the comparison between "up" and "down" is not as steep as it once was - until today.  I learned last night that a friend of mine has cervical cancer and has to go through two weeks of intense chemo and radio therapy followed by three weeks or so in a hospital close to Liverpool.  I don't know anymore than that so exactly how advanced it is isn't clear yet.

    So cancer has added another person to the list of people I care about which now brings the total up to twelve, nine of whom are no longer here.  Believe it or not the thought crossed my mind last night, all be it very briefly that maybe I was a carrier and could be infecting people I love but obviously that is nonsense.  What I do feel like right now is the same as a charachter in a film who is told by the evil baddy that they are not going to hurt him but will hurt everyone he cares about instead.

    So to say I am having a down day today is an understatement and I am also feeling extremely selfish as although it's my friend who has cancer I am talking about how it is affecting me.

    Sorry to start you all off on a down note but just wanted to get that off my chest.

    Garf.

    (Jules I know you will come accross this and I will message you later today or tomorrow x )

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