Hi Garf,

Just wanted to drop you a post to say you're never far from my thoughts and I hope you're doing ok?  (No, I'm not a weird stalker!   )

I think about so many folks on here and the things they're all dealing with on a day to day basis.

Am I right in thinking you've got next week off? Or was it last week?

Either way, if it was last week, hope you had plenty of R and R . . . And if it's next week, hope you get lots of R and R!

Also remember that one of the R's could stand for Retail !! 

Sure your wife would like that one

Hugs to you and your wife, Jo xx

Hi Jo,

Thank you so much, I am touched that I am in your thoughts and I promise I don't think you are a stalker

I am off next week for some much needed R and R and to be honest with the back log of motor racing I have to watch and the golf game on Wednesday I simply won't have time for any retail you-know-what.  It's hard to fit anything else in while I am spending so much time doing absolutely nothing.  I have actually been feeling a little more like myself the last few days since speaking to my councillor on Tuesday but I have no idea whether I am sorting anything out or just going through a good patch, I am just making the most of it for as long as it lasts.

Thanks for the hugs and I send a whole bunch right back to you.

Have a great weekend and don't spend too much .

Garf. xx

Hi Garf,

So sorry to hear you have been mucked about with your counselling sessions, that must feel like quite a blow to you especially if they were helping you.

On a positive note counselling with your virtual buddies here is a way of helping yourself.

As you are aware there are some lovely, kind people on this site and 2 of them have already responded to you.

Not only will your mates on here want to help you and listen but I am sure you will be making them feel good because of what you have written.

Just one other thing Garf I am wondering whether you can get counselling through your GP. We certainly can here and very good it is too.

Wishing you all the best with virtual hugs

Annabel. xx

I got a phonecall from Christine who was my phone consellor this afternoon.  She got in touch because she was concerned as to why I had cancelled my face to face appointment and I explained that the health care company who provide the counselling would not re-imburse me because I didn't have a health plan with them.  She is looking into the issue from her side and in the meantime I need to speak to my H/R manager to see if she can help.  I do promise that if I can't re-start with Sandra then I will contact my G.P. and see about getting appointments on the NHS.

It doesn't take much to bring me down but when a friend told me that her Dad had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer and he had an operation to remove it I just seemed to go back in time.  She said it looks like they caught it early as it was found as a result of screening and not symptoms so that is a positive for them.  She went back home at the weekend to see him and although he seemed better and a little healthier after a blood transfusion she immediately started worrying again when she left to go back to her family.  Everything she is feeling and describing just brought back the memories of all the fear and worry and stress of watching my Dad fall ill and finally lose his fight.  She knows she can talk to me and use me as an understanding ear and I am glad to do it but it does have an effect on me which I guess it would to anybody.

Anyway tomorrow is another day and if I can't arrange an appointment with a counsillor soon then I will book a time for my other type of therapy-----------------------little white ball bashing. (I really have started to love my golf)

Thank you all.

Garf.

Hi Garf,

Can't believe your company have messed you about so much with the counselling.  It annoys me because when people need help they need it NOW, they shouldn't offer you false promises.  I know in my area the GP route also takes a long time which is ridiculous as in order to help properly it needs to be immediate.  I hope your counsellor has some luck looking into the issue.  I was lucky because I was offered a counsellor at my local hospice within 2 weeks of needing it.  Was just wondering did your Dad have hospice care of any kind, even the home nurses?  If he did you should be eligible for counselling with them if they have them in your area.  I know MacMillan also offer counsellors, ours were based at our hospital.

It is good that you are there for your friend but I understand that it also brings you down.  I too have friends going through various things with parents and I feel the same way; I try to support them but sometimes it brings back vivid memories and I can't help finding myself almost "jealous" that they still have their parents.  I know that is so ridiculous too as I really am not a jealous person in any way!

Anyway good luck Garf, you can always rely on your virtual friends and of course the golf course!  Take care.  Hope23 x

Hi Hope - and all,

Well it seems that this counselling entitlement palava was a mis-communication from the start.  Apparently the service of six phone sessions is available to everyone who works for this company however the six face to face sessions are only available to people who have signed up to a health-care plan with a company called H.S.F.  Apparently this company is very good so I have been told by some who are signed up so I need to see what kind of things they offer and what I can afford but whichever kind of deal I sign up for the face to face sessions will then be available to me.

"Hope23", Dad did have hospice care for the last two weeks of his life but unfortunately he lived in North Wales where as I live on the South Coast.  He did also speak to Macmillan while he was ill and had nothing but praise for them and I have considered approaching them myself.  The problem is that although it was losing people to cancer that first put me in this state of mind it may be family history and relationships that are the things I need to sort out which I don't know that they can help me with.

Hopefully I will be back to see Sandra sooner rather than later or someone through my G.P. either wayI will let you all know if and when.

Take care everybody.

Garf.

Hi Garf

Just a thought having read your post.  Why not contact MacMillan in the first instance (cancer was where the root of your 'little demons' lie) to see if they can offer you support.  In any event they should be able to recommend other agencies you could approach.  You are too strong a person (when not in that bad place) to let sleeping dogs lie so hope it will not be too long before you can be 'chatting it through' to a happier conclusion.  Take care my virtual friend. Jules x

Hi Garf, I agree with Jules could be worth trying McMillan first as dealing with cancer evokes so many feelings. I was first referred to my counsellor as bereavement counselling for my Dad as they said it was the quickest route. Actually what I needed was to talk through what I was going through with Mums diagnosis, but at the time she hadnt yet been referred to them. Once there my counsellor talked through everything I wanted to. You say you don't know if your issues are related to cancer but I would be fairly certain some of what you feel is due to what yoy've been through. Take care and let us know how it goes. Hope x

Hi Garf,

Your friendly stalker here!       

Just wanted to catch up and say Hello!

I see you're posting supportive messages to others and I wondered how you were doing? Any more news on the counselling sessions?

I'm up with the lark this morning . . . Darn steroids messing my body clock about! No doubt I'll be snoozing all through Celebrity Jungle tonight . . .have I just confessed to watching that? Blame it on the chemo!!  

Take care, Garf!

Hugs to you and your wife, Jo xx

Hi ther Jo,

I am afraid I have to join you in confessing that I too watch "celebrity jungle".  Last one tonight and my money is on Kian to be crowned,  Rebecca was my favourite from the start though so I was a litle dissapointed when she left.

The mis-communication regarding my counselling has been sorted and I am starting the first of four sessions with a new counsillor this week.  I am dissapointed that I have to start all over again but at least something is happening.  It is hard to explain or understand how it feels to have days when I really struggle to deal with my demons and others when I feel not too bad although regardless of whether a day is a good or a bad one the battle in my mind is relentless.  It probably desn't help that I have always been a person of deep feelings and so it doesn't take very much to effect my state of mind, either something on t.v. or a song or just seeing a Father with his son in the supermarket.  I am tired but I will continue the fight!

How are you getting on anyway?   It's been a little while seen you updated your thread and I like to know you are at least managing to avoid the psychological damage that can be caused by watching too much daytime t.v.

Take care Jo and please keep stalking!

Garf x

Hi Garf,

Good to hear that you can start your counselling sessions next week, even if it feels like you're starting over again. Maybe the first session will enable you to go over things you covered in your previous sessions, but then, sessions 2 to 4 may move you further forward. I do hope so. I'm afraid I don't have a deep understanding or knowledge of the feelings that you find yourself struggling with, so I apologise if my comments are insensitive or crass. Your 'fighting talk' is good to read!

Thanks for asking how I'm getting on. Not too much to report really! Just having a few more rounds of chemo to zap the stray blighters in my bowel lymph nodes. I did have some initial problems with my first bout of chemo . . . Intolerance to the Capecitabine tablets! Hospitalised for 6 days! I'm now having my chemo through a PICC line so it's much more gentle on the Bowel! Somewhat ironic that the tabs they gave me to sort me out, actually caused more problems!

My partner has had to learn how to disconnect my chemo bottle, change my dressing and flush my line! All very technical stuff as the risk of infection is quite a worry! Fingers crossed for next week when he's 'flying solo' without a nurse telling him what to do!

The doctor wants me to have two to three more sessions (fortnightly) and then I'll have another liver MRI scan (not sure whether you knew that my last scan showed secondaries in my liver?) thankfully, it's operable, but involves yet another big op!

I'm not looking too far ahead (not met surgeon yet!) just concentrating on chemo for now!

Sorry for such a downbeat post, Garf! Although I am still quite upbeat; a combination of steroids and Jungle fever no doubt! I think Kian will win too, but David is a bit of a dark horse (or maybe a silvery, white horse!) I mean, I really thought Joey Essex would have been in the final two!

Well, I think I'll have a doze on the sofa as I've now been awake since 4.30am!! I feel like that Duracell bunny! And I don't want to miss my trip 'down under'

No doubt we'll chat again soon, but until then, take extra care of yourself, Garf.

Jo xx

Hi everyone,

Just thought I would post a quick update before the festivities begin.

I had my second session with my new cousellor called Jaqueline last Tuesday afternoon.  The first one went well but my last one didn't seem to be nearly as helpful and so last week was a particularly bad one for me.  On top of that something happened at work that I thought, once out in the open might help me sort out at least one thing in my head but ubfortunately all it has done is give me something different and unpleasant to consider. No matter what I do I can't stop this constant battle in my head and, as I have said before it sometimes wears me out so much I almost shut down.  The only sort of break I get is playing golf which I did yesterday.  The weather was great if only for those four hours or so although the ground was very muddy and so after eighteen holes you can imagine the state of my nice, newly washed trousers.

Christmas day will bring an afternoon of merryment with my wife's family followed by a new year that will hopefully, at some point see my issues sorted out once and for all.  At least that is what I am hoping as another year of this is just too daunting to consider.

Wishing everyone a wonderful and peaceful Christmas and new year.  Take care!

Garf.  

Hi everyone,

Just thought I would post a quick update before the festivities begin.

I had my second session with my new cousellor called Jaqueline last Tuesday afternoon.  The first one went well but my last one didn't seem to be nearly as helpful and so last week was a particularly bad one for me.  On top of that something happened at work that I thought, once out in the open might help me sort out at least one thing in my head but ubfortunately all it has done is give me something different and unpleasant to consider. No matter what I do I can't stop this constant battle in my head and, as I have said before it sometimes wears me out so much I almost shut down.  The only sort of break I get is playing golf which I did yesterday.  The weather was great if only for those four hours or so although the ground was very muddy and so after eighteen holes you can imagine the state of my nice, newly washed trousers.

Christmas day will bring an afternoon of merryment with my wife's family followed by a new year that will hopefully, at some point see my issues sorted out once and for all.  At least that is what I am hoping as another year of this is just too daunting to consider.

Wishing everyone a wonderful and peaceful Christmas and new year.  Take care!

Garf.  

Hi Garf,

Sorry to hear you are still feeling low and in that bad place. It must be so difficult for you. With the weather what it is here at the moment, don't think you would be able to play golf today unless you were wearing a a diving suit.

I just want to thank you for the sipport you gave me when my dad was in hospital this time last year.

Do take care, will be thinking of you and all my virtual C/CHAT friends over the festive period.

Your wishes for a wonderful and peaceful Christmas and New Year are very much appreciated and are returned, Brian

Hi Garf

Have sent  you short PM (whilst I had internet access) but just wanted to add to your thread my very best wishes for a trouble free Christmas.  Do hope all is well in theGarf

household and that the 'muddied' trousers were well worth the effort when it came to hitting the white balls (demons) round the golf course.  Hope the weather improves significantly so that you can enjoy another game soon.   Shame that work issues are causing you so much emotional fall-out and after Christmas we will continue to support each other on this wonderful forum.  All the very best  Garf from your virtual friend .  Hugs to you and yours.  Jules xx

Dearest Garf,

So sorry that you're feeling so low. I really hope that 2014 can bring you the resolution you need. You will get there, and we'll be supporting you through it!

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas (and may I suggest a bottle of 'pre-wash' in Mrs G's stocking! You'll find it in the cleaning aisle!)

Much love, Jo xxx

Take care of yourself Garf, and try to relax over the Christmas break, and enjoy being surrounded by people who love and care for you - I can't say I am looking forward to Christmas as such, but am welcoming the opportunity to have plenty of time with my loved ones and take comfort from each other.  A lot of people have said to me that Christmas will be even harder for us, which I am not sure will be the case - every day is hard, but I am trying to apprach it with some hope and optimism.

In your case, I really hope the counselling starts to have the outcome you are hoping for, and that 2014 will bring you some peace and resolution.

Wishing you all the very best,

Catherine

Thank you all so very much.  It is such a comfort to have so many people who care especially when you all have your own problems to deal with.

I promise to do my best to enjoy Christmas, although spending Christmas Eve morning on the roof in the wind and rain repairing storm damage is possibly not the best way to start. 

You will all be in my thoughts today and tomorrow and I would like to take this opportunity to raise a virtual glass to everyone before I do it for real tomorrow.

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Merry Christmas everybody.

Garf.

Hi Garf,

Sorry to find you have had to spend time on your roof repairing storm damage. Do take care not to fall down the chimney, unless you have your Santa suit on

Take care, best wishes, Brian

Hi Garf

Sorry to read you are (or rather the house is) storm damaged - be careful on the roof - hate heights so it would be buckets under the roof for me!! Hopefully the worst of the weather has passed through but there are so many affected and its now heading North.  Why does our weather always pick 'holidays' to do its worst. Luckily only a few flying dustbins lids and fences down round our place.

Will also be thinking of all those less fortunate them me when I raise a glass (or two) tomorrow. Cheers. Jules xx

Hi Garf,

Just wondering how you are doing?  This is such a difficult time of year and emotions run wild. I hope you managed to have a peaceful Christmas and that you got to drink that "real" glass of wine.  Take care.  Hope x

Hi there Hope,

Thank you so much for asking how I am and I would like to appologise to you for not replying earlier but I'm afraid I have been neglecting the site again.  Because of the way my mind has been I often find it difficult to be able to offer people any kind of advice or comfort and so I don't visit the site as often as I used to or should.  Everyone here has been so supportive while I have been in this "bad place" and so I feel quite selfish and a little self centered for not responding to other peoples posts and problems.

I am not too bad right now and have actually just returned from my third session with my counsellor with just one left in three weeks.  My last session was a little flat and I was concerned I may not get anything much out of today's but now that it's done I actually have quite a lot to think about so that is a posistive. That said I do seem to have gone from having good days followed by bad days to just one constant level of feeling low, I hope that makes sense!

Thanks again Hope and take care of yourself.

Garf. xx

Hi Garf,

I'm so glad you found today's counselling session helpful.  You really musn't feel bad about not always being up to offering advice to others, this site is just a great place to be able to get comfort from when you need it, and if you feel able to offer support to others as and when then that's a bonus.  I do hope that the counselling does something towards improving your low feeling, I do know from experience that it is not a good place to be in.  Having said that I think the fact that you are having some good days now is definitely a positive; I have found this time of year to be extremely hard on the roller-coaster of grief that I still find myself on, somedays I've felt so low I thought I was abnormal.  However they are then usually followed by OK days so I know it is just the process I have to go through.  I returned to work today which was actually a good thing, and am feeling fairly OK just now.  Hang on in there Garf, I know you will get there, there will be brighter days and your mood will lift in time, I am sure of that.  Take care.  Hope x