I got a phonecall from Christine who was my phone consellor this afternoon.  She got in touch because she was concerned as to why I had cancelled my face to face appointment and I explained that the health care company who provide the counselling would not re-imburse me because I didn't have a health plan with them.  She is looking into the issue from her side and in the meantime I need to speak to my H/R manager to see if she can help.  I do promise that if I can't re-start with Sandra then I will contact my G.P. and see about getting appointments on the NHS.

It doesn't take much to bring me down but when a friend told me that her Dad had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer and he had an operation to remove it I just seemed to go back in time.  She said it looks like they caught it early as it was found as a result of screening and not symptoms so that is a positive for them.  She went back home at the weekend to see him and although he seemed better and a little healthier after a blood transfusion she immediately started worrying again when she left to go back to her family.  Everything she is feeling and describing just brought back the memories of all the fear and worry and stress of watching my Dad fall ill and finally lose his fight.  She knows she can talk to me and use me as an understanding ear and I am glad to do it but it does have an effect on me which I guess it would to anybody.

Anyway tomorrow is another day and if I can't arrange an appointment with a counsillor soon then I will book a time for my other type of therapy-----------------------little white ball bashing. (I really have started to love my golf)

Thank you all.

Garf.

Hi Garf,

Can't believe your company have messed you about so much with the counselling.  It annoys me because when people need help they need it NOW, they shouldn't offer you false promises.  I know in my area the GP route also takes a long time which is ridiculous as in order to help properly it needs to be immediate.  I hope your counsellor has some luck looking into the issue.  I was lucky because I was offered a counsellor at my local hospice within 2 weeks of needing it.  Was just wondering did your Dad have hospice care of any kind, even the home nurses?  If he did you should be eligible for counselling with them if they have them in your area.  I know MacMillan also offer counsellors, ours were based at our hospital.

It is good that you are there for your friend but I understand that it also brings you down.  I too have friends going through various things with parents and I feel the same way; I try to support them but sometimes it brings back vivid memories and I can't help finding myself almost "jealous" that they still have their parents.  I know that is so ridiculous too as I really am not a jealous person in any way!

Anyway good luck Garf, you can always rely on your virtual friends and of course the golf course!  Take care.  Hope23 x

Hi Hope - and all,

Well it seems that this counselling entitlement palava was a mis-communication from the start.  Apparently the service of six phone sessions is available to everyone who works for this company however the six face to face sessions are only available to people who have signed up to a health-care plan with a company called H.S.F.  Apparently this company is very good so I have been told by some who are signed up so I need to see what kind of things they offer and what I can afford but whichever kind of deal I sign up for the face to face sessions will then be available to me.

"Hope23", Dad did have hospice care for the last two weeks of his life but unfortunately he lived in North Wales where as I live on the South Coast.  He did also speak to Macmillan while he was ill and had nothing but praise for them and I have considered approaching them myself.  The problem is that although it was losing people to cancer that first put me in this state of mind it may be family history and relationships that are the things I need to sort out which I don't know that they can help me with.

Hopefully I will be back to see Sandra sooner rather than later or someone through my G.P. either wayI will let you all know if and when.

Take care everybody.

Garf.

Hi Garf

Just a thought having read your post.  Why not contact MacMillan in the first instance (cancer was where the root of your 'little demons' lie) to see if they can offer you support.  In any event they should be able to recommend other agencies you could approach.  You are too strong a person (when not in that bad place) to let sleeping dogs lie so hope it will not be too long before you can be 'chatting it through' to a happier conclusion.  Take care my virtual friend. Jules x

Hi Garf, I agree with Jules could be worth trying McMillan first as dealing with cancer evokes so many feelings. I was first referred to my counsellor as bereavement counselling for my Dad as they said it was the quickest route. Actually what I needed was to talk through what I was going through with Mums diagnosis, but at the time she hadnt yet been referred to them. Once there my counsellor talked through everything I wanted to. You say you don't know if your issues are related to cancer but I would be fairly certain some of what you feel is due to what yoy've been through. Take care and let us know how it goes. Hope x

Hi Garf,

Your friendly stalker here!       

Just wanted to catch up and say Hello!

I see you're posting supportive messages to others and I wondered how you were doing? Any more news on the counselling sessions?

I'm up with the lark this morning . . . Darn steroids messing my body clock about! No doubt I'll be snoozing all through Celebrity Jungle tonight . . .have I just confessed to watching that? Blame it on the chemo!!  

Take care, Garf!

Hugs to you and your wife, Jo xx

Hi ther Jo,

I am afraid I have to join you in confessing that I too watch "celebrity jungle".  Last one tonight and my money is on Kian to be crowned,  Rebecca was my favourite from the start though so I was a litle dissapointed when she left.

The mis-communication regarding my counselling has been sorted and I am starting the first of four sessions with a new counsillor this week.  I am dissapointed that I have to start all over again but at least something is happening.  It is hard to explain or understand how it feels to have days when I really struggle to deal with my demons and others when I feel not too bad although regardless of whether a day is a good or a bad one the battle in my mind is relentless.  It probably desn't help that I have always been a person of deep feelings and so it doesn't take very much to effect my state of mind, either something on t.v. or a song or just seeing a Father with his son in the supermarket.  I am tired but I will continue the fight!

How are you getting on anyway?   It's been a little while seen you updated your thread and I like to know you are at least managing to avoid the psychological damage that can be caused by watching too much daytime t.v.

Take care Jo and please keep stalking!

Garf x

Hi Garf,

Good to hear that you can start your counselling sessions next week, even if it feels like you're starting over again. Maybe the first session will enable you to go over things you covered in your previous sessions, but then, sessions 2 to 4 may move you further forward. I do hope so. I'm afraid I don't have a deep understanding or knowledge of the feelings that you find yourself struggling with, so I apologise if my comments are insensitive or crass. Your 'fighting talk' is good to read!

Thanks for asking how I'm getting on. Not too much to report really! Just having a few more rounds of chemo to zap the stray blighters in my bowel lymph nodes. I did have some initial problems with my first bout of chemo . . . Intolerance to the Capecitabine tablets! Hospitalised for 6 days! I'm now having my chemo through a PICC line so it's much more gentle on the Bowel! Somewhat ironic that the tabs they gave me to sort me out, actually caused more problems!

My partner has had to learn how to disconnect my chemo bottle, change my dressing and flush my line! All very technical stuff as the risk of infection is quite a worry! Fingers crossed for next week when he's 'flying solo' without a nurse telling him what to do!

The doctor wants me to have two to three more sessions (fortnightly) and then I'll have another liver MRI scan (not sure whether you knew that my last scan showed secondaries in my liver?) thankfully, it's operable, but involves yet another big op!

I'm not looking too far ahead (not met surgeon yet!) just concentrating on chemo for now!

Sorry for such a downbeat post, Garf! Although I am still quite upbeat; a combination of steroids and Jungle fever no doubt! I think Kian will win too, but David is a bit of a dark horse (or maybe a silvery, white horse!) I mean, I really thought Joey Essex would have been in the final two!

Well, I think I'll have a doze on the sofa as I've now been awake since 4.30am!! I feel like that Duracell bunny! And I don't want to miss my trip 'down under'

No doubt we'll chat again soon, but until then, take extra care of yourself, Garf.

Jo xx

Hi Garf,

Sorry to hear you are still feeling low and in that bad place. It must be so difficult for you. With the weather what it is here at the moment, don't think you would be able to play golf today unless you were wearing a a diving suit.

I just want to thank you for the sipport you gave me when my dad was in hospital this time last year.

Do take care, will be thinking of you and all my virtual C/CHAT friends over the festive period.

Your wishes for a wonderful and peaceful Christmas and New Year are very much appreciated and are returned, Brian