Hello Garf,

So sorry to hear you are in such a bad place at the moment, but I hope writing some of it down on here, along with people's responses, are helping you a little.  You sound cross with yourself for feeling the way you do, which you musn't do.  You feel the way you feel and the important thing is to accept that and try to find ways of dealing with it.

Your words about your wife really struck a chord with me - my husband has been a wonderful support for me, both through my Mum's illness and since her death a few weeks ago.  I am not sure how he has done it, both providing masses of emotional support for me, but also taking on all the care of the house and our daughter when I was away with Mum so much, and going to work of course.  The last week, I was snapping at hime about something, just because like you I don;t cope very well with day to day annoyances and frustrations at the moment, and took it out on him.  And he snapped back at me - soemthing he very rarely does.  But it made me feel awful, that I have just been a miserable person, a long way from my normal self for months now, and probably haven't recognised how hard that has been in me.

It scared me, almost as much as losing Mum - because it just made me realise that when awful things happen, we take our loved ones for granted, even if we don't think we do.  But in my case, this was true and it has really made me think, and it has also helped me sort myself out a bit as despite what has happened to mum, I do recognse that I have a lovely life and lovely family and I would hate for anything to change that.

At the same time, I think I said to you before that when you lose a loved one, I do think it changes the person you are.  In your case you have lost more than one so understandably the impact on you has been even greater.  I am sure your wife realises this - just make sure you keep talking to her, and don't assume that the way you see yourself is the way she sees you - you say she is a wonderful person, so I am sure she accepts that events have changed you and that you are still coming to terms with things.

I really hope things start to feel a bit better for you soon - take care of yourself,

Catherine

Thank you all so much for the support and advice, it means an awful lot to know there are people here who care and understand as we all have our own experiences and knowledge.

Brian I am very glad your Dad seems to be recovering so well despite his adventure with the flooding in Calgary. He seems to be someone who copes well with adversity which is obviously a trait he shared with you.

Mickied it sounds completely right that you feel sorry for your husband all the time.  I very often catch my wife looking at me and knowing I am not myself and her smile, although genuine is full of pity for what I am feeling.  I am also guilty of not telling my wife exactly how I am feeling and the thoughts I have although we very often discuss my Dad and sometimes words just don't seem neccessary.

Catherine we really do take our loved ones for granted almost to the point where we can forget that they also have problems and worries. Just because we need support doesn't mean we should forget how to give it.

I think I learned something today while at work.  I had arranged for some elctrical work to be done and while the elctricians who I know well were here they, myself and a guy who works for me actually had a bit of a laugh trying to put a chandelier together.  For a few minutes I forgot about my state of mind and was doing fine until I laughed out loud with them.  It felt wrong!  It felt dis-respectful!  As a result I went back into what seems to have become my default setting.  Maybe it's a result of having spent so many months worrying, being scared and mourning that feeling happiness has become alien.  I certainly can't shake the opinion that I have no right to feel happy when others that I know and love have suffered so much, and I include people here in that thought.  I am sure that Dad and others would tell me off for thinking like that but it is very hard not to.  It seems I have given myself something to consider.

Thank you all again so much and take good care.

Garf.

Hi Garf,

It is very difficult to believe that there will be a better new normal isn't it?  But I have to hang on to that belief or else I'd go mad.  It doesn't sound like you have taken much time for yourself since your Dad's death, only one day off for the funeral certainly doesn't sound enough time.  I know it is difficult with some employers but it is their interests to look after their staff's well-being.  Everybody tells me to take some time for myself, I do try even when I don't feel like it.  I go to the gym and try and go out socially, I often don't feel like it although I usually feel a bit better afterwards.  But I think it is also important to realise that we won't feel ourselves for some time and to go with the emotions that the bad days bring.  My counsellor says there is no timescale for grief, everybody is different.  I really hope your counsellor helps you.  Let me know.  Hope x

Hi Garf,

Sorry I have not responded to your post before, just been so busy the last few days. I always think it's harder for a man to talk openly and honestly about their feelings and a lot of men just cant do that, including my own father in Canada. But we men still have these feelings just like anyone else so I think it's great that you have been able to open up to your friends on here and everyone respects you for being able to do that, for it's not easy.

We have been talking to each other on an off for over a year now and you have like Jules and many others helped and supported me over that time period and I thank you for that. I hope the sessions will help you. But anytime you want to talk to your many friends on here please know we will do all we can.

Take care Garf, will talk again soon, Brian.

There are so many good and supportive people on this site it is quite overwhelming sometimes.

Hope, your coment about "a new normal" is actually something the councillor said yesterday and you are both absolutely right.  As we said it seems we have been feeling down for so long that feeling depressed has become our default setting.  Also to be fair to my employer and boss after Dad died they did say that they would help with anything I needed including time off, it's just that at the time of Dad's funeral I really didn't like the idea of spending time wallowing and grieving when work would keep me busy.  It was a bad decision on my part but unfortunately I can't go back.

Brian I will say the same to you as I did to Jules.  There is absolutely nothing to appologise for.  We all have our own lives to live and especially with looking after Mrs Brian you have had your hands full lately.  Sometimes I myself don't find the time to come here for days at a time. Thank you again though for your support and I agree that being men we may sometimes find it a little more difficult to discuss our feelings or be able to articulate them when we do. Speaking of Fathers how is your Dad these days?

Garf. 

Hi Garf,

I hope you found your counselling useful yesterday?  I know what you mean about reverting back to our default setting, I have to keep telling myself to update! I so want to feel like my old self;  I am actually feeling a little better this week.

I have often wondered how men cope, us girls tend to talk to each other about our feelings and are more tactile which helps.  We are able to cry whenever, wherever we want to and of course it should be the same for men, but I think you probably feel a bit more inhibited.  That's why this site is so good, it is non-judgemental and you can always have a good cry while you're on here if you need to!  As you say you can't go back on not taking time off when your Dad died, but perhaps you can begin to take some time to do things just for yourself now.  Wishing you a peaceful day.  Keep in touch.  Hope x

Hi Garf,

Thanks for the reply and for asking about my dad. He is keeping okay but tires very easily these days. My sister in Canada says he was a bit grumpy as he suffers with a bad hip and wants to have surgery on it but she told him after all the problems he went through a few months ago, she doubts they would agree to operate on him.  But otherwise he seems to be in reasonable heath for a ninety one year old.

I told someone the other day that if they had told me two/ three years ago I would join a chat site, I would have laughed at them. Just goes to show how having had cancer has changed me and for the better I might add.

Take care Garf, best wishes to you and your wife as always, Brian. 

Hi Garf

I am definitely not a star, just like to help others like they have helped me since I  joined the forum.  Maybe filling the time I have gives me purpose (that sounds a bit sad!!) but as hubby has no wish to communicate much (says I talk enough for the two of us and he has never been a talker!!), I find chatting on here worthwhile. Strangly in the past months I have found out quite a bit about myself  which I dont think I would have become aware of in different circumstances.  Life takes some strange  directions  but though my Dad has been dead over 5 years  now, I found I can almost hear him telling me how to carry on (this has only happened recently and should probably be put down to an overactive mind.

Hope your counselling appointment will see you on the road to feeling a little better and remember to take your time in coming to terms with new feelings/conversations.  All the very best Jules x

Hi Garf,

Just wondering how you are doing and if the counselling has been helping you?   Hope

Hi Garf,

Sorry not to have replied before, but have only just caught upwith your thread and I'm really sorry to read about how you're feeling.

You, like so many others, have helped to support me on this site and I hope I can afford you some of the same support back by simply saying I'm thinking about you. I hope that you find the counselling sessions beneficial. And please keep posting and offloading to your virtual buddies!

Take care, Jo xx

Thank  you all again for the support.

The first session went quite well although I think it was more of an introduction and explanation of what has happened but I did feel a little more clear headed afterwards.  Having said that I was feeling really quite bad on Friday and yesterday but a little better again today.  Hopefully throwing myself around the tennis court for a couple of hours this morning will clear my head some more.

Next councelling session is on Tuesday at 4.00pm with four to go after that.  I will see what happens after the next one.

All the best to everybody.

Garf.

Hi Garf

Hope the 'workout' and continuing with the counselling will soon bring you some peace within yourself.  Coming to terms with loss takes its toll in so many ways and effects different people in different ways.  When you feel able to talk there are always people ready to listen. Wishing you and your wife a peaceful Sunday.  Jules x

Hi Garf

Hope the 'workout' and continuing with the counselling will soon bring you some peace within yourself.  Coming to terms with loss takes its toll in so many ways and effects different people in different ways.  When you feel able to talk there are always people ready to listen. Wishing you and your wife a peaceful Sunday.  Jules x