Hello Garf,

So sorry to hear you are in such a bad place at the moment, but I hope writing some of it down on here, along with people's responses, are helping you a little.  You sound cross with yourself for feeling the way you do, which you musn't do.  You feel the way you feel and the important thing is to accept that and try to find ways of dealing with it.

Your words about your wife really struck a chord with me - my husband has been a wonderful support for me, both through my Mum's illness and since her death a few weeks ago.  I am not sure how he has done it, both providing masses of emotional support for me, but also taking on all the care of the house and our daughter when I was away with Mum so much, and going to work of course.  The last week, I was snapping at hime about something, just because like you I don;t cope very well with day to day annoyances and frustrations at the moment, and took it out on him.  And he snapped back at me - soemthing he very rarely does.  But it made me feel awful, that I have just been a miserable person, a long way from my normal self for months now, and probably haven't recognised how hard that has been in me.

It scared me, almost as much as losing Mum - because it just made me realise that when awful things happen, we take our loved ones for granted, even if we don't think we do.  But in my case, this was true and it has really made me think, and it has also helped me sort myself out a bit as despite what has happened to mum, I do recognse that I have a lovely life and lovely family and I would hate for anything to change that.

At the same time, I think I said to you before that when you lose a loved one, I do think it changes the person you are.  In your case you have lost more than one so understandably the impact on you has been even greater.  I am sure your wife realises this - just make sure you keep talking to her, and don't assume that the way you see yourself is the way she sees you - you say she is a wonderful person, so I am sure she accepts that events have changed you and that you are still coming to terms with things.

I really hope things start to feel a bit better for you soon - take care of yourself,

Catherine

Thank you all so much for the support and advice, it means an awful lot to know there are people here who care and understand as we all have our own experiences and knowledge.

Brian I am very glad your Dad seems to be recovering so well despite his adventure with the flooding in Calgary. He seems to be someone who copes well with adversity which is obviously a trait he shared with you.

Mickied it sounds completely right that you feel sorry for your husband all the time.  I very often catch my wife looking at me and knowing I am not myself and her smile, although genuine is full of pity for what I am feeling.  I am also guilty of not telling my wife exactly how I am feeling and the thoughts I have although we very often discuss my Dad and sometimes words just don't seem neccessary.

Catherine we really do take our loved ones for granted almost to the point where we can forget that they also have problems and worries. Just because we need support doesn't mean we should forget how to give it.

I think I learned something today while at work.  I had arranged for some elctrical work to be done and while the elctricians who I know well were here they, myself and a guy who works for me actually had a bit of a laugh trying to put a chandelier together.  For a few minutes I forgot about my state of mind and was doing fine until I laughed out loud with them.  It felt wrong!  It felt dis-respectful!  As a result I went back into what seems to have become my default setting.  Maybe it's a result of having spent so many months worrying, being scared and mourning that feeling happiness has become alien.  I certainly can't shake the opinion that I have no right to feel happy when others that I know and love have suffered so much, and I include people here in that thought.  I am sure that Dad and others would tell me off for thinking like that but it is very hard not to.  It seems I have given myself something to consider.

Thank you all again so much and take good care.

Garf.

Please don't feel bad Jules as you have absolutely nothing to appologise for.

To be honest, with all you have been going through with your husband and your Mum it's frankly amazing you are willing to find the time or the inclination to come here and help others.

YOU ARE A STAR!

As I have said I will update here either tomorrow after my first session or a little further down the line.

Take care.

Garf x

Hi Garf,

It is very difficult to believe that there will be a better new normal isn't it?  But I have to hang on to that belief or else I'd go mad.  It doesn't sound like you have taken much time for yourself since your Dad's death, only one day off for the funeral certainly doesn't sound enough time.  I know it is difficult with some employers but it is their interests to look after their staff's well-being.  Everybody tells me to take some time for myself, I do try even when I don't feel like it.  I go to the gym and try and go out socially, I often don't feel like it although I usually feel a bit better afterwards.  But I think it is also important to realise that we won't feel ourselves for some time and to go with the emotions that the bad days bring.  My counsellor says there is no timescale for grief, everybody is different.  I really hope your counsellor helps you.  Let me know.  Hope x

Hi Garf,

Sorry I have not responded to your post before, just been so busy the last few days. I always think it's harder for a man to talk openly and honestly about their feelings and a lot of men just cant do that, including my own father in Canada. But we men still have these feelings just like anyone else so I think it's great that you have been able to open up to your friends on here and everyone respects you for being able to do that, for it's not easy.

We have been talking to each other on an off for over a year now and you have like Jules and many others helped and supported me over that time period and I thank you for that. I hope the sessions will help you. But anytime you want to talk to your many friends on here please know we will do all we can.

Take care Garf, will talk again soon, Brian.

There are so many good and supportive people on this site it is quite overwhelming sometimes.

Hope, your coment about "a new normal" is actually something the councillor said yesterday and you are both absolutely right.  As we said it seems we have been feeling down for so long that feeling depressed has become our default setting.  Also to be fair to my employer and boss after Dad died they did say that they would help with anything I needed including time off, it's just that at the time of Dad's funeral I really didn't like the idea of spending time wallowing and grieving when work would keep me busy.  It was a bad decision on my part but unfortunately I can't go back.

Brian I will say the same to you as I did to Jules.  There is absolutely nothing to appologise for.  We all have our own lives to live and especially with looking after Mrs Brian you have had your hands full lately.  Sometimes I myself don't find the time to come here for days at a time. Thank you again though for your support and I agree that being men we may sometimes find it a little more difficult to discuss our feelings or be able to articulate them when we do. Speaking of Fathers how is your Dad these days?

Garf. 

Hi Garf,

I hope you found your counselling useful yesterday?  I know what you mean about reverting back to our default setting, I have to keep telling myself to update! I so want to feel like my old self;  I am actually feeling a little better this week.

I have often wondered how men cope, us girls tend to talk to each other about our feelings and are more tactile which helps.  We are able to cry whenever, wherever we want to and of course it should be the same for men, but I think you probably feel a bit more inhibited.  That's why this site is so good, it is non-judgemental and you can always have a good cry while you're on here if you need to!  As you say you can't go back on not taking time off when your Dad died, but perhaps you can begin to take some time to do things just for yourself now.  Wishing you a peaceful day.  Keep in touch.  Hope x

Hi Garf,

Thanks for the reply and for asking about my dad. He is keeping okay but tires very easily these days. My sister in Canada says he was a bit grumpy as he suffers with a bad hip and wants to have surgery on it but she told him after all the problems he went through a few months ago, she doubts they would agree to operate on him.  But otherwise he seems to be in reasonable heath for a ninety one year old.

I told someone the other day that if they had told me two/ three years ago I would join a chat site, I would have laughed at them. Just goes to show how having had cancer has changed me and for the better I might add.

Take care Garf, best wishes to you and your wife as always, Brian. 

Hi Garf

I am definitely not a star, just like to help others like they have helped me since I  joined the forum.  Maybe filling the time I have gives me purpose (that sounds a bit sad!!) but as hubby has no wish to communicate much (says I talk enough for the two of us and he has never been a talker!!), I find chatting on here worthwhile. Strangly in the past months I have found out quite a bit about myself  which I dont think I would have become aware of in different circumstances.  Life takes some strange  directions  but though my Dad has been dead over 5 years  now, I found I can almost hear him telling me how to carry on (this has only happened recently and should probably be put down to an overactive mind.

Hope your counselling appointment will see you on the road to feeling a little better and remember to take your time in coming to terms with new feelings/conversations.  All the very best Jules x

Hi Garf,

Just wondering how you are doing and if the counselling has been helping you?   Hope

Hi Garf,

Sorry not to have replied before, but have only just caught upwith your thread and I'm really sorry to read about how you're feeling.

You, like so many others, have helped to support me on this site and I hope I can afford you some of the same support back by simply saying I'm thinking about you. I hope that you find the counselling sessions beneficial. And please keep posting and offloading to your virtual buddies!

Take care, Jo xx

Thank  you all again for the support.

The first session went quite well although I think it was more of an introduction and explanation of what has happened but I did feel a little more clear headed afterwards.  Having said that I was feeling really quite bad on Friday and yesterday but a little better again today.  Hopefully throwing myself around the tennis court for a couple of hours this morning will clear my head some more.

Next councelling session is on Tuesday at 4.00pm with four to go after that.  I will see what happens after the next one.

All the best to everybody.

Garf.

Thank  you all again for the support.

The first session went quite well although I think it was more of an introduction and explanation of what has happened but I did feel a little more clear headed afterwards.  Having said that I was feeling really quite bad on Friday and yesterday but a little better again today.  Hopefully throwing myself around the tennis court for a couple of hours this morning will clear my head some more.

Next councelling session is on Tuesday at 4.00pm with four to go after that.  I will see what happens after the next one.

All the best to everybody.

Garf.

Hi Garf

Hope the 'workout' and continuing with the counselling will soon bring you some peace within yourself.  Coming to terms with loss takes its toll in so many ways and effects different people in different ways.  When you feel able to talk there are always people ready to listen. Wishing you and your wife a peaceful Sunday.  Jules x

Hi Garf,

Good to get your update and glad the first session went well, hope that continues to be the case and good luck for tomorrow.

Also good to hear about you doing some exercise (hope that doesn't come across the wrong way!!) - what I mean is that I read a lot about the positive effects of exercise on the mind and also on self-esteem etc.  I used to do a huge amount of running, and of late, have not been doing any - I am trying to get back to doing some regular exercise, for the same reasons and am hoping it helps me feel a bit better in myself.

Take care, stay in touch,

Catherine x

Hi everyone,

Well considering my state of mind and how councelling sessions have been going I thought I would post an update.

I have to admit that initially, after each session I had been feeling a little more clear and able to focus without constantly fighting with my thoughts and feelings and after speaking to the councillor on Tuesday I thought that I was getting closer to something.  I am not sure what I was getting closer to but we covered things that I didn't realize might be bothering me and a possible plan was starting to emerge.  Then I went back to work and something happened that pretty much destroyed any progress I had been making and now I still feel as bad as I ever did.

I am angry, very impatient and on occasion just desperately unhappy.  I visit this site pretty much every day but often I am just incabable of posting anything helpful to anybody so I just read and then leave.

I have two more phone sessions with my councillor and I will see how they go but I honestly don't know how much longer I can continue like this.  Sometimes I am not too bad but for the most part I am someone I don't like and it's not good enough.  There is a dark feeling that bad, unpopular and life changing decisions will have to be made on my part.  Whatever happens I have no idea where to find the courage to get my life back to some kind of normaility.

Ramble over, thank you for reading.

Take care everybody.

Garf.   

Hi Garf

So sad to read that you are struggling with your inner demons and that your workplace has caused you to take a step backwards in how you were beginning to feel.  As a virtual friend wish there was  more I could say/do to make you feel better but know that it has to come from within you (experience with my Mum's mental issues probably means I understand a bit more than I should).   Sending you virtual good thoughts and do hope that the remaining phone sessions can help you get back on track as you were obviously  moving in the right direction before the work upset..  Please do not feel negative about not offering support to others. Some of your 'amazing quotes' posts have often lifted me and the fact that you take the time to read other postings shows me that you have a caring side even if you do not recognise it in yourself.  Its not my place to offer advice (perhaps this is where I get told to b... out) but if you recognised that the counselling was begining to help then maybe more counselling than you currently have in place may help too.  In the  meatime I hope you have time to relax with the family this coming weekend and if you do not feel able to post here why not try writing down just how you feel (I have heard its easier to write things down than to talk  about your inner feelings sometimes).  By the way ramble anytime you like - I have done my fair share!!  Jules xx

Hi Garf,

I am so sorry to read you are feeling in a bad place again. You say you feel like someone you don't like, but that's not the Garf we all know and like. For you have offered me lots of support over the past few months, like you have done to others. You are a very kind and caring person who is struggling to cope with grief and this is so hard. I, just like many other on here wish there was something I could do to lift this burden of grief from you. Hope you have a peaceful weekend, Take care Brian,

Hi Garf,

Like Jules and Brian before me, I was sad to read that you're struggling emotionally at the moment. You offer so much support to so many on this site and I hope we can offer you the same level of support back. Obviously we can only give virtual support, but as Jules has suggested, maybe more counselling sessions would help get you back to that place where you felt, in your words, that a possible plan was emerging.

Brian rightly mentioned in his post, all your wonderful qualities and it saddens me to think that you can no longer see those attributes in yourself.

I hope by sharing your feelings with us, we will be able to help you through this difficult time and get you back to the Garf we all know and love.

Please tell me to 'mind my own' but I wondered how your wife is? Obviously she'll be supporting you, but as we all know on here, we don't always want to burden those closest to us. Are you able to share your feelings with her or do you feel you want to protect her from how low you're feeling? Hope I haven't offended you by asking about your wife and as I say, please tell me to keep my nose out!

Take care of yourself, Garf. We're all thinking about you and sending hugs and uplifting vibes through the airwaves,

Love Jo xxx

Jules, Brian, Jo,

Thank you so very much for your kindness and your support and it makes me glad that I have been able to help and bring the occasional smile to the people I care about.

I really do appreciate the advice and I promise that there is no butting in or appologising neccessary.  In actual fact Jo what you said about talking, or not talking to my wife is one of the things my councillor and I discussed and we are going to continue with that next week.

Jules, once the phone sessions finish I can apparently see someone face to face for two visits which I will probably do.  Other than that I will have to try and see an N.H.S. councillor as I certainly can't afford to pay to see one.  Apparently the basic problem is that after my Aunty died I went into a form of Post Traumatic Stress so I was at least right about that incident being the straw that broke the camel's back.  Since then my mind has pushed all the horrible things to the back and replaced them with feelings and problems that still cause me depression and stress but the replacement feelings are not just a distraction but real, impossible to ignore emotions that cannot be ignored.

Brian you can always be relied upon to lift someone and make them feel special and I can't begin to describe how much I appreciate it.  I am going to carry on fighting whatever and whoever this person has become inside my head and knowing you are all here is a real comfort. 

Have a good weekend everyone and take care.

Garf.

Morning Garf

Just popped in to say have a peaceful weekend and its good to know you have the opportunity (and the willingness) to take the counselling further.  Not sure if it will be of any use to you but with my Mum's depression she was able to be referred by her GP and all her counselling sessions were NHS based (maybe made a little easier as she was not working at the time and was able to attend during the day).  You definitely have the right attitude in that you want to feel better than you do(a huge emotional step in realising that you need help to deal with grieving issues ) and I am sure with support of your family friends and of course 'us lot on here' we can continue to make each other smile. Take care Jules xx

Thanks Jules,

My wife and I are just going out for breakfast which we do every Saturday before doing the weekly shop.  I am sure Brian knows how much I look forward to that.  Then yes I plan on a fairly peaceful weekend.

All the best to you and maybe at some point we could talk about your Mum in more depth if that would be ok?

Have a good weekend and I will come back here probably on Monday morning if not tomorrow.

Garf. xx

Hi Garf

Really relate to the weekly shop syndrome - we go together at present (both do it because we have to).  Though its a hassle cannot quite bring myself to do it via internet home delivery as I would rather pick things for myself.  Have to say though both my children use home delivery sometimes and have found it very useful (and it would of course cut out those things (in Brian's care nuts) that somehow find their way into the trolley even though they are not on the list.

Am absolutely happy to talk about my Mum anytime you like (I have private messaging set up if you would prefer taking that route) and feel free to ask any questions you want and I will try to help whenever I can.

Love the idea of having someone else make breakfast before doing the shopping (may have to drop really heavy hints!!!).

Take care, chat soon  Jules xx