Hi everyone its been a long time since Ive been on AGAIN because the computer has been playing up AGAIN and its made me very  . could do with a new one but this time of year its an expense we can't afford! I've been reading back a few posts but it will take me forever to catch up so wondered if you could all just update me on how you are all doing!! Its lovely to be back in the community I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster last two months and am waiting for the straight jacket to arrive lol!! Seriously does anyone else get really angry!! My anger has been uncontrollable at times with me even smashing a wall and it has really upset me!!

Please be intouch

LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU ALL

Louise

Hi Louise

Sorry to hear you are having problems with your computer and your emotions.I dont get angry because I find it just leaves me feeling worse in the long run,plus my last treatment has damaged my heart so at the moment I cant get stressed.Waiting to see the heart specialist in 2 weeks and when he gives me a magic pill I will be fine.You have been through so much for so long.Can you have some sort of therapy or a massage or reiki treatment to help?Being on here should help to unload so rant away and let us help.No more wall hitting!!!

Stay strong

Rose xx

Hi Rose how are you today ok I hope.

You are an inspiration as I have said before and personally I am always encouraged by the replys you make to me. aTake care and a big hug

Nina and Sara I don't think I have said a personal hello tou you since you started postin so HELLO. I'm so glad that we all have each other. We are all at different stages in our journeys but it is so nice to share the good and the bad times on here don't you think.

If there is anyone else I have missed I will get you next time big hugs to you all and keep in touch as much as you can over this festive period!! Lets all have a good Christmas and a good start to 2011

Did anyone see me  saying about a possible meeting up next year Let us know what you think

Love Lou

hi all

hope things going ok lee i have border collie called Bella we have only had her 2 years she is rescue dog (was abandoned on a road the a27 !! she is fantastic and on my bad days we cuddle up on the sofa!)

I am ok this week my mum has been over (she lives in jersey thats where i am from ) it hard for her to see me on my chemo week but at least she can see iam ok after . we are going to jersey for christmas the first time in 20 years . bella is coming on ferry hope she ok she is a wimp xx

i cant wait for chemo to be over only 2 more to go. i hate seeing my family worry so much about me hate the way it makes me feel .

my husband has very stressful job and wish i could make homelife stress free

i am really looking forward to christmas if this has taught me anything its enjoy life !!

i went on work xmas do last week i wasnt looking forward to it but it was lovely everyone said i looked well and they love the wig its better than my real hair and they said it makes me look younger!bloody cheek!! looks like i will have to have it like that when grows. we have another xmas do 2morrow posh frock black tie thing hope me wig holds up !!

colly u inspired me to have my eyelashes done and it really helps make u feel better i have some but bit thin ,i know they might all go but this should help me get thru party season without looking too scary!!

take care all according to caz blog updated begining of nov she was still struggling hope she is ok.

hi to u too lou (god iam a poet !!)like u sos sos glad we have eachother would be up to meet not sure where every one is from i live on south coast near bognor regis xx

love and hugs nina xxxxxx

hi nina

how can people just abandon there pets like that makes me wonder and it really annoys me, but by the sounds of it  you and she seem to be meant for each other, you certainly are right about what the chemo does to you cos i have just finished my first dose of it and i can say i did not expect to feel like i did but i am fine now so hopefully the next treatment which starts on the 18th dec will be a bit easier to handle but at the end of the day you have to have it so,we will just have to grin and bear it, as it happens i have my works nite out to look forward to this weekend as well so i am looking forward to that and seeing the lads i work with and letting them see that there is plenty life left in me yet,so enjoy your night out and have a lovely xmas and hopefully a happy new year.

   jeff alias (dad1929)

Hi Lou,

Getting there bit by bit thanks.

I had to have injections and my husband was shown how to do them but I ended up doing it myself.Poor thing he either did it too fast or something and i gave him grief so i found i could gauge it better myself.If you pinch the skin on your leg while you put the needle in you cant feel it.

I am in Wales so we will have make a map of where everyone is.

Stay warm and take care.

Rose xxx

Hi everyone,

Had such a bad day today - I thought I'd got these things out of my system, but i really can't cope with the hair loss. It's not just the looking in the mirror, its the wig, it is so damn itchy, rides up at the back (odd shape head as hats do too) looks strange without natural side burns and the already very fine and light coloured eyebrows are thinning.Wisps of white sit on my head and itch constantly regardless of creams and caps.  I just cried and cried today and yet my baby daughter came to see me and i was not good company. I went on line and ordered two turbans with matching scarves as the headwear i have is both uncomfy and really looks awful,i thought maybe if i wear them indoors i won't feel so naked and vunerable, and will have made an effort. (let's hope the colours match my outfits!) so far, whatever i do, It just looks like i have no hair and am covering up. Look better feel great have a very long waiting list and i just don't have the money to go out and buy new makeup or head accessories. I thought I'd be okay but I am ashamed to say, the hair loss is taking over my life and making me so damn miserable. Please anyone- how did you cope? Somedays i am ok, but with a sore mouth the tooth stays out too so I feel really miserable. The other half has been great, but i just cant shake this depressed feeling. I have to say it has made me think of Caz again, i now really do think i can go someway to saying i know how she feels. I don't feel too bad on the chemo, i have a lot to be thankful for, I just don't know how to make things better. I try not to moan but this keeps happening and i have run out of ideas.

love to all

sara

You poor thing,I think we all find something that really bugs us through this,with me I didnt mind the hair but I hated the eyelashes going.It made my face look like a boiled egg.You could try  www.headcovers.com/t/scarves  as they sell hats with hair.I have not tried them personally but they look good.I bought. a few hats but never wore them because as you say they look wierd without any side hair.The main thing is dont beat yourself up about feeling like this,its all fine being told to stay positive and people are worse than you but the thing is this is a cr*p time,it is not how we want our lives to be and lovely as everyone is on here we would all rather not know anything about this site.You WILL feel better but allow yourself to grieve,in a day or two you will laugh about it all again.

Go out and build a snowman and pelt him with snowballs !!!!!

Good luck sweetheart.

Rose xxx

Hi everybody, just an update on myself lol. Thats me finished 2nd week of radiotherapy, 4 more to go, got my infills done in my eyelashes, its costing me a fortune but I dont care. Sarah, I so know what you are going through, losing my gorgeous hair was the worst for me, then when my lashes and brows started to go, I felt so ugly, when I looked in the mirror I looked like my dad lol, he was baldy too, wearing my wig is the worst think for me as it itched and itched and I was also getting a sore neck as i was turning my head to the side in an abnormal way as i was scared the wig would fall off, i hate it. I now wear mine with these little knitted head bands with the corsage attached, you can get them in primark, new look, ebay etc, think they call them ski head bands, it covers the wig but not at top, which isnt as hot, Im taking hot flushes, so when wearing wig, i feel as tho im going to combust lol, sometimes i just feel like ripping it off and throwing it away, infact yest john was driving and i was in passanger street and roasting, so took it off, i felt as tho passing cars were looking at me, but hey ho, i dont care. My hair is coming through really quickly, but its getting thick instead of long if that makes sense, ive been dying my hair for years, so its funny to see such dark hair, with little silvery flecks, cant wait to colour it. Sarah all i can say is be patient, ive actually had to shave my legs and bikini line recently and i had nothing there lol, it doesnt take long, my chemo finished in oct and by jan im hoping to have my hair coloured and cut into a rally funky crop, Im not gonna lie to you, hair loss was the worst for me and still is, chin up.

Have a great weekend everyone, having a chinese meal in tonight as its my daughters birthday and then got a meal out tomor nte for my partners nephews birthday then next sat its my birthday, then 23 my partners sisters birthday, then xmas, its all go go go.

Colly xx

Hi Ladies.

Hair:

When my partner's hair started dropping out she went in to a panic. We did the wig shop bit. It was probably the most emotional time of her entire treatment! Looked at the dear ones. and some crazy expensive ones too! Ended up buying two..... Fancy dress wigs. One a black bob that I called "The Interview Wig" because it looked formal. One bright electric blue. £7.99 a pop. She used the black one to go under hats and scarves. The blue one was just mad! She pulled both ideas off and looked stunning. Also  went for scarves but looked at various ways of tying them. Bought some good colours too. All cheap. couple of quid from the market. They became an accessory to what she was wearing, rather than a starting point. Black & Silver stars, reds, blues and so on.

Be adventurous! Take it on.

She said one thing as her hair grew back that was amazing. "you know what?..... I should have made more of the scarf thing. it was fun!" She has the most amazing spirit. Eight months clear now and complaining about the cost of haircuts!!! I did laugh.

Hi Runningdrums, I personally think it takes a very special kind of person to pull off fancy dress wigs and funky scarves and unfortunately im not one of those people, i dont like people looking at me when wearing scarves and feeling sorry for me,whilst wearing the scarves i think it makes you look like a cancer patient, during summer months i wore funky little skip hats from monsoon, i must admit i spent a lot on little hats, good on your partner for having the guts to do it. Colly x

My darling Sara, I know how you feel and no ammount of reassurance will make you feel more attractive and confident at this moment in time, all I can say to you is ....it will pass. and you will get stronger I had such beautiful long blonde thick curly hair before the dreaded chemo and now as you see by my photo Im simply an egg head! however this last week 7 weeks after finishing chemo I have noticed a soft baby like growth covering my head and my eyelashes and eyebrows are just starting to come back, it feels like your a stranger to yourself when you look in the mirror and you worry that people will take pity on you incl your partner, when all you want to be is that strong confident beautiful woman that you once were, but guess what ? we are the ones that have got it wrong, when you look at my picture what do you see, so you see a bald ugly woman with no eyebrows and stubby eyelashes and a wonky boob looking back at you...No! ..Why when that is what I see when i look in the mirror... do you pity me? or do you admire my strength.....what Im trying to say is how you feel about yourself is not how other people see you, I for one think you are amazing and your kindness and warm heart just leap out the page at me everytime I read your messages noone this beautiful inside could possibly be ugly on the outside..IMPOSSIBLE. you are entitled to feel down from time to time but ...not for long.no because you need to start seeing what we see then you will find the strength to get through this and get through this you will, that you can be sure of.

Im sending you as much positive love as I can,

lots of love lee xx  

My darling Sara, I know how you feel and no ammount of reassurance will make you feel more attractive and confident at this moment in time, all I can say to you is ....it will pass. and you will get stronger I had such beautiful long blonde thick curly hair before the dreaded chemo and now as you see by my photo Im simply an egg head! however this last week 7 weeks after finishing chemo I have noticed a soft baby like growth covering my head and my eyelashes and eyebrows are just starting to come back, it feels like your a stranger to yourself when you look in the mirror and you worry that people will take pity on you incl your partner, when all you want to be is that strong confident beautiful woman that you once were, but guess what ? we are the ones that have got it wrong, when you look at my picture what do you see, so you see a bald ugly woman with no eyebrows and stubby eyelashes and a wonky boob looking back at you...No! ..Why when that is what I see when i look in the mirror... do you pity me? or do you admire my strength.....what Im trying to say is how you feel about yourself is not how other people see you, I for one think you are amazing and your kindness and warm heart just leap out the page at me everytime I read your messages noone this beautiful inside could possibly be ugly on the outside..IMPOSSIBLE. you are entitled to feel down from time to time but ...not for long.no because you need to start seeing what we see then you will find the strength to get through this and get through this you will, that you can be sure of.

Im sending you as much positive love as I can,

lots of love lee xx