Hi everyone its been a long time since Ive been on AGAIN because the computer has been playing up AGAIN and its made me very  . could do with a new one but this time of year its an expense we can't afford! I've been reading back a few posts but it will take me forever to catch up so wondered if you could all just update me on how you are all doing!! Its lovely to be back in the community I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster last two months and am waiting for the straight jacket to arrive lol!! Seriously does anyone else get really angry!! My anger has been uncontrollable at times with me even smashing a wall and it has really upset me!!

Please be intouch

LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU ALL

Louise

Hi Louise

Sorry to hear you are having problems with your computer and your emotions.I dont get angry because I find it just leaves me feeling worse in the long run,plus my last treatment has damaged my heart so at the moment I cant get stressed.Waiting to see the heart specialist in 2 weeks and when he gives me a magic pill I will be fine.You have been through so much for so long.Can you have some sort of therapy or a massage or reiki treatment to help?Being on here should help to unload so rant away and let us help.No more wall hitting!!!

Stay strong

Rose xx

Hello all my lovelies,

Even in the midst of dispair, there are so many wonderful words and so much love and warmth - as always - from all of you.   It took a little while for me to catch up on the posts I can tell you.  I am doing really well - thank you for thinking of me.  I just seem to have been really busy although I can't say what with. The grandchildren - housework - christmas and so on.

Anyway, firstly - the anger thing, I have felt very angry and found myself making the most awful comments about all sorts of things and even rowing with the telly. Mmmmm yes stupid. But then the other night I just lost it. I had a turban towel on my head (as usual) and my other halfs over sized dressing gown. As i walked back into the bedroom with two mugs of tea, he just happened to say 'You look like Ena Sharples'.  Yup, you guessed it, long drawn out 'discussion'. It sort of transpired through the conversation - the sort of questions and answers you have during 'one of those conversations' that I kept saying to him that he made me angry. When he asked why i found myself saying that it was because he could see me without my hair, and without my tooth when my mouth was sore. i was angry that I was coping with the majority of side effects until I passed a mirror. The wig looks like a wig  - to me at least- and it keeps falling off as i have an odd shaped head. The scarves look blooming awful on me and the little wisps of hair i have are white. Long after the conversation I realised I was angry at things I couldn't change, and angry at them beacuase I was frustrated with the diagnosis, surgery and subsequent treatments and the possible outcomes - good and bad. i have felt much better since I sort of analysed what i was angry about.

Then reading about radiation and heart damage, I remembered it too was something we discussed. I am still half thinking about a double mastectomy and reconstruction which will reduce the amount of radiation I have been advised to have. The radiation worries me more than the chemo. We are all so different and different things affect and worry us for different reasons. And i think it is easier for me as I am following so many of you - behind by one or two chemo sessions. When I see your progress reports it inspires me. There was a period where I wondered if it was worth it - but I realised it was just a sort of depresson over losing the hair.

Kylie - you know by my email i am thinking of you, I didn't realise things had got that bad, please email me again.

There seems to be good news and not such good news mixed in with all the messages I have read today. But please remember, that recurrence although really scary isn't always the doom and gloom that our minds tell us it is. i wish I had the right words to make you feel better but hope cyber sent hugs will help.

I decided to shop today, and bought some new skin cream - oh so indulgent - and it felt lovely after a deep pore cleanse and an oiled head. I bought some stretchy alice bands with flowers on and a couple of soft beany hats. No need for the turbie towel now at least. I also got some false eyelashes and i can't wait to try them although I am nervous about the fitting. The eyebrows are starting to go so i am gonig to practice with pencils tomorrow. I also decided next pay day to treat myself to a short funky wig so when my hair grows back i wil be able to adjust to the new style and get rid of the long itcy wig i have at the moment. Has any one else found that without natural 'side burns' the wig just looks like a wig or is it just me?  I also got some circular knitting needles. I have been knitting a lot - keeps me sane and tried them out today. Oh my god, they are brilliant in one sense, but so odd compared to long normal needles. Lets hope i have the patience to use them and make the hats i promissed myself.

In the meantime everyone, thank you for thinking of me. You are all in my thoughts as always.

love Sara xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Sara

Just had to type and say a big thank you, your post must have been written just for me .my husband has vocal cord cancer. and last night the boiler packed up at 9pm. i was so shocked at how angry he was and how it was all MY fault big heated discucussion followed. felt really angry myself at him this morning but after reading your post i will try to remember that he is on a different stress level at the moment. this site is so amazing. Thank you for helping me.

hugs

Luckyus 

Hi Lonie and you other lovely ladies.

Caroline get back on here as soon as you feel able,we miss you and as I am extremely nosey I want to know that you are OK

Well girls I have had a very exciting time .Before i start remember that me BC was an extremely aggressive blighter so I am not a normal case so dont panic.

As you know I have had problems with my heart since a previous treatment and was due to see the specialist next Monday but last Thurs night i felt grotty and vomited when I stood up so in the morning my husband rang our GP and he came out at 9 and my BP was 154/50 so he rang the ambulance and I was admitted with blue light flashing,sooooo exciting straight into the procedure room where 2 doctors and 2 nurses were waiting .I watched as a doctorexplained everything on a scanner while another used a needle into my pericardium around my heart and drained off just under 1 litre of fluid.How on earth can that much be there ?My heart immediately started to fill the space again and I was in the ward eating tea by 4 oclock,feeling drained (excuse the pun) but able to breath.How good is the NHS?So its on with the new chemo and only good things allowed for us all in 2011.I now have to try to put on weight for the first time in my life so When its time for Christmas pud I wont be doing the usual "oh I.ll just have another sprout coz I had a mince pie 3 days ago",it will be yes with loads of cream.!!!

Hope you are keeping strong girls and things will work out for you Kylie

Rose xxx

Oh Rose, what a time you have had! i agree about the wonderful NHS, I can't fault them. You always make me smile - I'm trying to lose a little bit of weight - just a couple of pounds or four, would you like them? It's these horrid steriods but who knows - maybe they'll change my meds

The sun was shining bright here today and so while the house was empty I did all the little bits and pieces that needed doing (knackered now) and then on the news looked at the snow elsewhere. funny how our minds become one tracked - all i could think of was thank goodness it doesn't get too bad here- I'll be ableto get to chemo next week. not even worried about xmas shopping. How are you all coping where you are? and yes CAZ WHERE R U? we miss you and hope you are okay.

Love sara

Hi everyone

Rose i am so sorry u have had this recent incicdent you have already been thru so much !u r amazing ! i hope u dnot mind me saying but when i was first diagnosed u helped me so much u r always the first person to help others i hope we all help u xxxx i think of u a lot thnk u x

how is everyone how is caz ?

lee caz colly patricia i am so keen to here your news xx care so much about how u all r ??

iam ok i have to say hate the chemo dread it (next is monday 13th dec) iam watchin footie (iam footie mad ) wont say team in case u go off me xx

thanks for add on fac ebook xx1

looking forward to christmas and spoiling my wonderful family they have been thru so much in last few months !

I think they go thru at laest the same if not more anx xx

love and hugs to all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Nina,Its strange but talking to people on here actually helps me although it seems i am helping others.When i first came on here there were a handfull of people but now there are too many to answer.

I am lucky because my husband does not watch footie but our cousins son now plays for Cardiff so we are duty bound to watch them if he is playing.I love Christmas as well,I,m like a child!!!Never been bothered with New Year though.Not much snow here in Wales so we are very lucky.and can get around.

My gaandchildren are coming down today,havent seen them for a week.When they couldnt come down because i wasnt well and they had a cold my grandson(3)said  well Ill only talk to gramps then and do sign language to gran(I think all children should be taught sign language in school.I used to work with people with special needs)Children say such lovely things

Hope you are all coping with the weather

take care girls

Rose xx

Rose you have been through the mill, but as always, upbeat and strong, youre an inspiration. Lee wish I had a wee dog, mine died 2 years ago and i keep saying im going to get another one but im scared the next one isnt as good natured as last, anyway maybe one day. Im going into my third week of radiotherapy and so far so good, its the travelling in and out every day and if you ladies & tony watch the news you'll see just how bad the weather is up here in Bonnie Scotland, on monday it took us nearly 7 hours to get back from hosp, a journey that normally takes 40 mins ish, poor voluntary driver, he only gets 35 pence per mile, I'll need to get him something nice, we had 7 mint humbugs between us lol, anyway got in safe and sound, hope you are all well, Caz where are you. Again if anyone wants to add me on facebook that would be great- Colette Jameson   xxx

Hi to all of you hope you are all ok!

Lee I finished my chemo at the end of September so it hasn't took to long for my hair to cover my head!!

Your little Bella sounds so gorgeous, they are hard work though aren't they we have three dogs Paddy Poppy and Polly the last two are jack russells and the little boy is a jack crossed with a bision frise so they are all little live wires. what has Bella thought of the snow. Paddy ends up with snowballs on his legs!!! Where abouts are you it soundslovely by the sea.

I'm sure the others would like to have a meet up but not everyone might have seen what I have wrote so perhaps me and you could try to sort that it would be so lovely to meet everyone

Take care!!!

LoveLou

Hi Colly

What a nightmare you've had getting to and from hospital the snow is lovely but when its stops the country in its tracks it can be so stressful!! You could have done with a hot toddy! I haven't had radio how  is itmaking you feel and will all your treatment be complete when this is done? You will be able to start 2011 off as you mean to go on. I should have had an injection at my GPs last week but it was cancelled because of the snow but they said they didn't have it anyway had I got it which I hadn't so rebooked my apptment for yesterday and phoned me again to say the injection had not arrived I was so annoyed (but not to the anger stage!!) Im suppose to have it the same time every month so I will be two weeks late and when things like this happen I get so worried! Anyway I've decided I amgoing to get the injection from the hospital and my partner was shown how to do it so he might do the next one - just another thing for me to hav a go at him about haha

Take care

Love Lou

PS would you be up for a meeting next year

Hi Rose how are you today ok I hope.

You are an inspiration as I have said before and personally I am always encouraged by the replys you make to me. aTake care and a big hug

Nina and Sara I don't think I have said a personal hello tou you since you started postin so HELLO. I'm so glad that we all have each other. We are all at different stages in our journeys but it is so nice to share the good and the bad times on here don't you think.

If there is anyone else I have missed I will get you next time big hugs to you all and keep in touch as much as you can over this festive period!! Lets all have a good Christmas and a good start to 2011

Did anyone see me  saying about a possible meeting up next year Let us know what you think

Love Lou

Hi Rose how are you today ok I hope.

You are an inspiration as I have said before and personally I am always encouraged by the replys you make to me. aTake care and a big hug

Nina and Sara I don't think I have said a personal hello tou you since you started postin so HELLO. I'm so glad that we all have each other. We are all at different stages in our journeys but it is so nice to share the good and the bad times on here don't you think.

If there is anyone else I have missed I will get you next time big hugs to you all and keep in touch as much as you can over this festive period!! Lets all have a good Christmas and a good start to 2011

Did anyone see me  saying about a possible meeting up next year Let us know what you think

Love Lou

Hi Lou,

Getting there bit by bit thanks.

I had to have injections and my husband was shown how to do them but I ended up doing it myself.Poor thing he either did it too fast or something and i gave him grief so i found i could gauge it better myself.If you pinch the skin on your leg while you put the needle in you cant feel it.

I am in Wales so we will have make a map of where everyone is.

Stay warm and take care.

Rose xxx

Hi everyone,

Had such a bad day today - I thought I'd got these things out of my system, but i really can't cope with the hair loss. It's not just the looking in the mirror, its the wig, it is so damn itchy, rides up at the back (odd shape head as hats do too) looks strange without natural side burns and the already very fine and light coloured eyebrows are thinning.Wisps of white sit on my head and itch constantly regardless of creams and caps.  I just cried and cried today and yet my baby daughter came to see me and i was not good company. I went on line and ordered two turbans with matching scarves as the headwear i have is both uncomfy and really looks awful,i thought maybe if i wear them indoors i won't feel so naked and vunerable, and will have made an effort. (let's hope the colours match my outfits!) so far, whatever i do, It just looks like i have no hair and am covering up. Look better feel great have a very long waiting list and i just don't have the money to go out and buy new makeup or head accessories. I thought I'd be okay but I am ashamed to say, the hair loss is taking over my life and making me so damn miserable. Please anyone- how did you cope? Somedays i am ok, but with a sore mouth the tooth stays out too so I feel really miserable. The other half has been great, but i just cant shake this depressed feeling. I have to say it has made me think of Caz again, i now really do think i can go someway to saying i know how she feels. I don't feel too bad on the chemo, i have a lot to be thankful for, I just don't know how to make things better. I try not to moan but this keeps happening and i have run out of ideas.

love to all

sara

You poor thing,I think we all find something that really bugs us through this,with me I didnt mind the hair but I hated the eyelashes going.It made my face look like a boiled egg.You could try  www.headcovers.com/t/scarves  as they sell hats with hair.I have not tried them personally but they look good.I bought. a few hats but never wore them because as you say they look wierd without any side hair.The main thing is dont beat yourself up about feeling like this,its all fine being told to stay positive and people are worse than you but the thing is this is a cr*p time,it is not how we want our lives to be and lovely as everyone is on here we would all rather not know anything about this site.You WILL feel better but allow yourself to grieve,in a day or two you will laugh about it all again.

Go out and build a snowman and pelt him with snowballs !!!!!

Good luck sweetheart.

Rose xxx

Hi everybody, just an update on myself lol. Thats me finished 2nd week of radiotherapy, 4 more to go, got my infills done in my eyelashes, its costing me a fortune but I dont care. Sarah, I so know what you are going through, losing my gorgeous hair was the worst for me, then when my lashes and brows started to go, I felt so ugly, when I looked in the mirror I looked like my dad lol, he was baldy too, wearing my wig is the worst think for me as it itched and itched and I was also getting a sore neck as i was turning my head to the side in an abnormal way as i was scared the wig would fall off, i hate it. I now wear mine with these little knitted head bands with the corsage attached, you can get them in primark, new look, ebay etc, think they call them ski head bands, it covers the wig but not at top, which isnt as hot, Im taking hot flushes, so when wearing wig, i feel as tho im going to combust lol, sometimes i just feel like ripping it off and throwing it away, infact yest john was driving and i was in passanger street and roasting, so took it off, i felt as tho passing cars were looking at me, but hey ho, i dont care. My hair is coming through really quickly, but its getting thick instead of long if that makes sense, ive been dying my hair for years, so its funny to see such dark hair, with little silvery flecks, cant wait to colour it. Sarah all i can say is be patient, ive actually had to shave my legs and bikini line recently and i had nothing there lol, it doesnt take long, my chemo finished in oct and by jan im hoping to have my hair coloured and cut into a rally funky crop, Im not gonna lie to you, hair loss was the worst for me and still is, chin up.

Have a great weekend everyone, having a chinese meal in tonight as its my daughters birthday and then got a meal out tomor nte for my partners nephews birthday then next sat its my birthday, then 23 my partners sisters birthday, then xmas, its all go go go.

Colly xx

Hi Ladies.

Hair:

When my partner's hair started dropping out she went in to a panic. We did the wig shop bit. It was probably the most emotional time of her entire treatment! Looked at the dear ones. and some crazy expensive ones too! Ended up buying two..... Fancy dress wigs. One a black bob that I called "The Interview Wig" because it looked formal. One bright electric blue. £7.99 a pop. She used the black one to go under hats and scarves. The blue one was just mad! She pulled both ideas off and looked stunning. Also  went for scarves but looked at various ways of tying them. Bought some good colours too. All cheap. couple of quid from the market. They became an accessory to what she was wearing, rather than a starting point. Black & Silver stars, reds, blues and so on.

Be adventurous! Take it on.

She said one thing as her hair grew back that was amazing. "you know what?..... I should have made more of the scarf thing. it was fun!" She has the most amazing spirit. Eight months clear now and complaining about the cost of haircuts!!! I did laugh.

Hi Runningdrums, I personally think it takes a very special kind of person to pull off fancy dress wigs and funky scarves and unfortunately im not one of those people, i dont like people looking at me when wearing scarves and feeling sorry for me,whilst wearing the scarves i think it makes you look like a cancer patient, during summer months i wore funky little skip hats from monsoon, i must admit i spent a lot on little hats, good on your partner for having the guts to do it. Colly x

My darling Sara, I know how you feel and no ammount of reassurance will make you feel more attractive and confident at this moment in time, all I can say to you is ....it will pass. and you will get stronger I had such beautiful long blonde thick curly hair before the dreaded chemo and now as you see by my photo Im simply an egg head! however this last week 7 weeks after finishing chemo I have noticed a soft baby like growth covering my head and my eyelashes and eyebrows are just starting to come back, it feels like your a stranger to yourself when you look in the mirror and you worry that people will take pity on you incl your partner, when all you want to be is that strong confident beautiful woman that you once were, but guess what ? we are the ones that have got it wrong, when you look at my picture what do you see, so you see a bald ugly woman with no eyebrows and stubby eyelashes and a wonky boob looking back at you...No! ..Why when that is what I see when i look in the mirror... do you pity me? or do you admire my strength.....what Im trying to say is how you feel about yourself is not how other people see you, I for one think you are amazing and your kindness and warm heart just leap out the page at me everytime I read your messages noone this beautiful inside could possibly be ugly on the outside..IMPOSSIBLE. you are entitled to feel down from time to time but ...not for long.no because you need to start seeing what we see then you will find the strength to get through this and get through this you will, that you can be sure of.

Im sending you as much positive love as I can,

lots of love lee xx  

Colly

Im so excited to hear your hair is coming through you must put a picture up when you have a funky haircut after christmas, you know whilst this has probably been the worst year of my life I can honestly say I feel truly blessed to have found you ladies and gents, you have all helped me through my dark times and made me smile when things got too bad, I just want to take this opportunity to thankyou all so very much from the bottom of my heart.

Lots of love Lee xx

hi all

Just to chip in with the current thread  Sara dnot be so hard on yourself we all worry about our looks but think about it we all stressed out before not realising how lucky we were !!

Lee is so right how u see yourself is really not how others see u i went to work do last week i was so self conscious by time i left i felt realy good everyone was so complimentry and caring

focus on other area get family and friends to get u some nice make up or smellies or face cream for christmas (there r loads of offers out there it really does help

look in the back of your make up drawer and find that eye shadow palette that u never used and try some new colours ! this is a time we can do what we want !!

we r all so with u on this

girls on selfish note although i have 2 more chemos my hair seems to b growing a bit its furry and too much grey for my liking but should i shave it so that it better quality later ?i am scared in case it itchy ??it looks very very odd when it does come back i will be coluring it as soon as able !!

i so agree u lot r such a life line we are all very cool people we can do this

love and hugs xxxxx

nina

ps tryin to be brave goin to black tie xmas party 2nite long dress the works very nervous about it !1but i am going to do this!!wish me luck will let u know xxx

Right back at you Lee You have given so much lovely advice on here,I can remember your first post and you have never failed to be a constant source of help and lifted everyones spirits time after time.Some people touch our lives and some touch our hearts and you are certainly the latter.

Thank you for being you

Rose xx