Hi,

I am sorry to butt into your discussion but just wanted to wish you all well.

You all seem like tough cookies and am touched, truly.

I am currently waiting, I have my breast clinic appointment on 27th oct and really nervous, not eating or sleeping much to be honest but then I don't eat much anyway lol.

Really don't know what to expect with this appointment just that I will probably be having an ultrasound as I'm only 24.

The reason I went to the GP was because I have bloody nipple discharge and a rather deep dimple. I can't help but think the worst but do understand there are benign causes for this out there. Just glad my GP took me seriously.

Do you mind if I ask how you ladies felt at this stage? Am I insane or am I being normal?

Best wishes everyone

Kylie xxx

No Kylie,

You are not insane..... first let me say you are very sensible to see your doctors immediately.... you would be surprised how many think they are too young so don't bother.

I know this is a very scarey thing to try and come to terms with... and the waiting is the hardest bit.... If I had to discribe how I felt when I was waiting for appointments and tests then I think the only word I could come up with is....LOST... Very emotional and scared to death.... but I now know that all these feelings are perfectly normal.

If you are worried about what to expect, why not ring up your breast clinic and ask them.... they are normaly really good and have no problem explaining what you should expect.

When my doctor refered me to our local breast clinic, I was examined by a lady doctor, then I had to have a mammogram and an ultrasound scan..... I would suggest you take somebody with you... maybe your partner / Mum / friend just for a bit of moral support.... but I have to say that the breast care unit and all it's staff were brilliant and really did well to calm all my fears.

If you have any questions at all, please feel free to come here and ask, there is always somebody who has been in the situation you are in and able to offer help and advice.... we are all here for each other.

Take care honey... and try not to imagine the worst (easier said than done)

Love Caz xxx

Hi Tony, no news is good news lol. I personally am fine, finished chemo nearly 4 weeks ago and starting radiotherapy on 25/11m so even tho it will run over xmas thankfully xmas is a sat so i'll not need to go that day lol. Got a few aches and pains but think thats cause i need a new mattress which has actually arrived today thank goodness, hope you are well. Col x

Hi guys

First let me say well done Colly... you seem so positive about everything.

Well, I went to the wedding.... what a nightmare,... The wedding itself was a farce, the bride was inside with all the guests and the groom was outside with his ex wife.... I stuggled so much more than I thought I would... cleavages everywhere.... i couldn't stop from crying........ The infection is still kicking my behind.... but I am back at the hospital tomorrow at 4 so hopefully something will get sorted

I seem to be really down at the moment, I really can't get used to my altered body image.... when I try to talk about it, I just cry... and I can't seem to get any better.

I just don't know which way to turn at the moment .... I guess I never realised how much my cleavage was part of who I am.... and now I feel like I am not that person anymore........ I hate being such a misery guts..... but I see no way out until the reconstruction next year.

Am I going to be this unhappy until my reconstruction.... or will it get better?

Love Caz xx

Dear Caz,

I know exactly how you are feeling - after my op (infection too) I cried all the time worrying my husband and children so much - I just couldn't stop - sometimes for days. I have always had small boobs and really thought it wouldn't bother me too much having my right one removed - how wrong was I *_BUT_ *please believe me it will get better. I still have a few tears now and again but nothing like at the beginning. I am not even sure I will ever have reconstruction. I bought M&S mastectomy bras with matching underwear and never look at myself naked - which is something I will have to get over for future checking. I had my last chemo last Weds and still feeling yuck but knowing at least for now the poison is over. You will feel better slowly - although your cleavage may be important its not the whole of you and never would have been even without this illness. You are a lovely person who certainly helped me in the past and now you need to think only of you.

My really strong brave husband has his reversal for rectal cancer this Thursday and we are both looking forward to Xmas. OK we are not the same people we were a year ago either inside or out but we have to make the most of every single second of our lives whatever we look like on the outside - not easy but we will get there and God willing so will you and your family

You will get through all of this and be happy again - it just takes time, love, faith and a little bit of luck

Love

Jan xx

darlin Caz

you have been thru so much remember how much u have coped with already !! and survived and u will survive this in every sense!!!

I havent had mastectomy so i wont pretent to know excatly how u feel but like u i have always has big boobs and it is part of us my scars arent great and my right boob is still blue green from the dye they used. i used to do alot exercise which i not able to do so have put on weight despite feeling sick from chemo. and of course there is the bald head ! again my hair always defined me redhead !! I am not comparing any of this to what u going thru just saying that not only are we coping with this crap disease we are coping with a huge change in body image and self esteem and confidence of sexuality!! i hate lookin in mirror to try to wear more make up !it is completely normal to feel sad I KNOW U WILL GET THRU THIS u seem such fab person who has coped with so much!! You also need to remember that when u have an infection anywhere u are much lower anyway so its double whammy!!!

do u think speaking to someone independant would help ie mc millian helpline only that u can say things u might not want to talk to family about ?

once the infection is gone u will feel much better and u can get some pretty underwear darlin u are so in all our thoughts

please come here any time if u want my email please let me know xxx

lots love and hugs xxxxx nina

Hi guys

just wanted to touch base and let you all know Im starting to feel better now, it has been a long week just existing really, My dear Caz your pain is felt by all of us and I guess all anyone of us can do is listen and try to lift your spirits, I hate my body at the moment which is so wrong as its my body that is fighting this awful illness, wether you are religious or not we have to agree our bodies are amazing, so very intricate in every way , there is not one single piece of machinery known to man that is this intricate yet machines break down all the time, no one piece of machinery is used in so many ways as our bodies are.

Many of us forget what a miracle life is until we are faced with its loss.I get so low sometimes thinking of the months I have spent feeling sick and the scars that now form a permanent part of my makeup, yet in my heart I know that Im loved so very much by my family and friends no matter what I look like and this time will pass and happier days will come again and all this will be one day a distant memory just enough to remind me how lucky I am and I dont just mean surviving I mean lucky to have the ability to walk and talk and laugh and cry and hundreds of other less obvious things that our bodies do for us every day without recognition. To really appreciate happiness we must experience sorrow so for each one of us our days of happiness are just around the corner and noone will appreciate or enjoy them more than we will.

Love to each and every one of you

Lee xx

Hi Lee, wise and true words from yourself as usual, you always seem to know the right things to say & caz Im not always positive, every ache or pain I have I think the cancer has spread, its my amazing partner that gets me through. I think your very brave to have went along to this wedding to be honest I really havent went out that much during my treatment, we have been invited to a few parties, but i never felt up to going as they always seemed to fall just a few days after chemo when i felt at my worst and i dont feel comfy wearing my wig. I had to go into work the other day for a team meeting and dreaded it, i wore my wig and to be honest people who didnt know my hair had fallen out just thought id had low lights lo, but i still feel uncomfortable wearing it. I havent had my breasts removed only a lump, but you are here and youve been so positive at times, its only natural to have off days. I just got my appt through yest for my radiotherapy which starts 25th nov for 6 weeks so will run over xmas, but at least xmas is on a sat so i wont have to go lol. Speak to you all soon, lots of love coming your way, xxx

Hi Colly

its coming on this site that makes me feel so humble, being amongst such strong women makes me appreciate everything around me and thank god Im alive.

Im so glad you are feeling better and you must tell me when your hair starts growing back to a stage when it is just a short cut.

Its my birthday on thursday.....43 ahhhh lol anyway Im having a friend do my false lashes for me for the friday and my mum has bought me a new dress (loose and baggy to hide the weight gain) and Friday night ima goin out to paint the town red....well maybe pinkish so wish me luck girls this is my first night out since my op in June and Im terrified !!!

If you read in the newspaper ....headline bald headed woman found waving false breast at passers by singing show me the way to go home...dont worry its only me ....lol xx

take care

lee xxxxxx

lol happy birthday when it comes and have a fab night out. What kind of false lashes are you getting and how long do they last? Im not into these glue on ones but dunno if i have enough of my own to get others added to if that makes sense? x

Hi lee,

Being as the site is closing down for a couple of days I will wish you a happy birthday for Thursday.I have a mental picture of you being loaded into the police car!!!You made me giggle.Have a lovely time.

Rose xxx

As the site is closing for a day or so I will wish Andy good luck now.Hope it all goes well.

Love to you both

Rose xx

As the site is closing for a day or so I will wish Andy good luck now.Hope it all goes well.

Love to you both

Rose xx

Hi to all you lovely ladies and Tony - great to hear from you

I have not been on for a while and it is great to read that Colly and Lee are at the end of the chemo and what lovely words you have to say to all. Sorry Caz that you have had a bit of a rough time, but like Nina says the infection is pulling you down and making you feel worse. Hope that clears up asap.

Happy Birthday Lee and you go for it girl.

I go for my 5th chemo on thursday, the last one took a while to get over but at least I was not sick! I feel I have turned a corner mentally and feeling quite normal if you know what I mean. I even attempted to do a bit of gardening the other day but got stung by a wasp which was hiding in the gardeing glove!

Love to you all

Anne

x

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to say i'm so sorry i wasn't able to come on and thank you for your replies, really meant alot. It's been an awful week and my computer is broken! I also was phoned by my GP who found out that something is wrong and that a team of doctors are having a meeting about me?

I hope you're all doing ok? Always thinking of you and wishong you well!

Luv Kylie xxx

hello lovely ladies and lovely Tony,

seems i have missed so much in the few days i have been away. Well, firstly you are all wonderful, and although i have my first chemo today - i am not too daunted by it thanks to your continued support and honesty in whats involved. i know there is no telling how I will react but I feel ready to face what comes my way.

once again reading through the thread and seeing how much i have missed, i come away feeling enlightened and humbled by your words.

Caz my heart goes out to you as I know once you hit that spiral it is hard to come out of. I felt disfigured just with a scar and then the thought of 5 weeks of radio followed by one weeks intensive has scared me for weeks, the thought of the breast shrinking and looking odd and so forth. However, on my pre chemo visit this week, I met two lovely ladies - and as you do when you go through this awful journey to recovery, i was looking to see who was wearing a wig- ie was it obvious to all, and who had breasts and who didn't. What suprised me was I had been talking to this woman for a good while before i noticed she had a breast removed but her wonderful smile and winning personality - and her loose cardi buttoned at the waist only, completely hid it.  I don't know that I would have had her confidence but since having this 'thing' i find myself looking at people differently and it made me realise, it is more important to us than to others. my other half cannot understand the paranoia about my hair for example. But  please take away the thought as the girls have said before, that it really is what's inside that counts. Every time i come here, i see small pictures of you all - i do not see imperfections, i see wonderful normal human beings with nothing but love warmth and understanding. Someone once said to me that you cannot understand unless you have been there yourself, and someone else said that the reward for that comes when you can hold out your hand and help someone else through it.  Allow yourself time to grieve - it is a part of you that you have lost, but then ask yourself, would it change the way you felt about your friend, mother sister? Sexuality, personality and attractiveness is determined by so many things, its not about physical looks, look at Simon Weston, he had no face, he couldn't hide his imperfections and found true love. I am sending you my love and extra hugs as i might not be on here for a couple of days, but i will be thinking of you and hoping you will find the strength to turn that corner.  Love to you all,

sara x

Nice one Sara

Rosexxx

Sara, Sara, Sara,

What beautiful words and so right about the likes of Simon Weston...I was thinking of a similar thing when I got to that bit....isn't it funny that we call them imperfections too...we all have to have exactly the same but that is not how it works...people in the world are coming to terms with differences all the time. It wasn't that long ago that people with mental and physical disabilities were locked away from the public's gaze or shown in freak shows. Also mixed race or same sex couples would be stared at because people did not approve or found it odd...there will always be the person who is the exception and will have prejudice for whatever reason..anyways what I am trying to say is that people are far more understanding and unphased than we realise. I think like you were saying curiousity is what it is in the main...I went for my first chemo in my next battle and did exactly what you said...i.e. looked around for the wigs, why I don't know just curious was all it was I expect...There was a lady and her friend behind me sniggering away and I had to tell them to behave and not have so much fun having chemo...like I said on my thread it was good to see and got an extra giggle from the ladies :-)

If you have a look at the picture you can just see them huddled over sniggering....

[[]]

Anyways sorry for the ramble as the Irinotecan (evil irene) is making me a bit woozy so had better stop typing... :-)

Much Love to all you lovely ladeeees.

Tony xxxx

hi sara its lovely your are giving so much strength to people out there,i dropped down to see my sister today she so upset as she has been told,her cancer is not curable now,and she had been doing so well for 18months now, and her most recent scan had revealed the cancer had spread to her lungs and liver,i had been wondering if my visits were doing her much good,but then i had a lovely message from dizzie which made me realise what my visits were doing for her,its taken me a week to convince her to fight and take the course of chemo they offering to her,which she did and is feeling so ill today,i just want to wish everybody good wishes,and best wishes to you sara,,,,,,,,,

Hi Irishman,

Sorry to hear about your sister.My cancer returned in lymph glands in neck and chest and is also non cureable but I have been on oral chemo for 2 years and ongoing so let your sister know that there are so many different treatments now so dont give up hope.

She must be so glad to have you.

Good luck to you both.

Rose xxx

hi rose, colly, lee, patrica n all you lovely ladies

sorry its been so long, took 4weeks for them to sort the phone out n still having problems with internet. had a lovely holiday but never going away again with a 2yr old! yes charly was a ntmare for about 5 days so didnt come home all relaxed n refreshed. to be truthfull ive not been that great but will tell you about that another time.

hope you had a lovely birthday lee n congrats for finishing chemo. you too colly, congratulation. i wish you both well. n rose ive missed you, hope you are well. patrica i was sorry to read about your son. hope you n he are feeling better now n we can go back to our chats.

sara good luck with your chemo, be thinking of you throughout. n caz im so sorry you have been so down. i can only imagine how you feel but hopefully we can all help to pick you back up. hows the infection now? i hope its less painful now. kylie im sorry you have joined our gang of troopers, but we'll help you through as much as we can.

im gonna get off cos mum n dad are here to help me with charly, hes not very well n found out today hes asthmatic. its also my wedding anniversary, 3 years. couldnt of married a nicer man!

lots of love, be back on soon n probably winge a lot!

leonie xxxxxxxxx

Hi Leonie, so glad to see your back at last. Sorry your hol wasnt as relaxing as you hoped it would be, it is hard work being away with a 2yr old. Im keeping fine, got a few aches in my neck but breast doc seems to think its just caused by the chemo, my nails are a mes and brittle, breaking all the time, my eyelashes at the bottom taking their time to grow back, so have watery eyes when i go out in the cold, my hair is starting to grow back in slowly but surely, how long did it take your hair and what length is it now? I start radio on 25/11 for 6 weeks so it will finish 7/1, then hopefully a wee holiday away in the sun. Congratulations on your wedding anniversary. Take care all you girlies and tony too love col x

Nice Pic Tony, very photogenic x