Hi,

I am sorry to butt into your discussion but just wanted to wish you all well.

You all seem like tough cookies and am touched, truly.

I am currently waiting, I have my breast clinic appointment on 27th oct and really nervous, not eating or sleeping much to be honest but then I don't eat much anyway lol.

Really don't know what to expect with this appointment just that I will probably be having an ultrasound as I'm only 24.

The reason I went to the GP was because I have bloody nipple discharge and a rather deep dimple. I can't help but think the worst but do understand there are benign causes for this out there. Just glad my GP took me seriously.

Do you mind if I ask how you ladies felt at this stage? Am I insane or am I being normal?

Best wishes everyone

Kylie xxx

No Kylie,

You are not insane..... first let me say you are very sensible to see your doctors immediately.... you would be surprised how many think they are too young so don't bother.

I know this is a very scarey thing to try and come to terms with... and the waiting is the hardest bit.... If I had to discribe how I felt when I was waiting for appointments and tests then I think the only word I could come up with is....LOST... Very emotional and scared to death.... but I now know that all these feelings are perfectly normal.

If you are worried about what to expect, why not ring up your breast clinic and ask them.... they are normaly really good and have no problem explaining what you should expect.

When my doctor refered me to our local breast clinic, I was examined by a lady doctor, then I had to have a mammogram and an ultrasound scan..... I would suggest you take somebody with you... maybe your partner / Mum / friend just for a bit of moral support.... but I have to say that the breast care unit and all it's staff were brilliant and really did well to calm all my fears.

If you have any questions at all, please feel free to come here and ask, there is always somebody who has been in the situation you are in and able to offer help and advice.... we are all here for each other.

Take care honey... and try not to imagine the worst (easier said than done)

Love Caz xxx

DIY tooth repairs.if you had been filming that you would have won £250 on you,ve been framed!!

Hope you are coping with everything,you always sound really happy.Plenty of vitamins to build you up for next week.

Rose xxx

Good afternoon ladies,

I hope you're all ok?

I really sorry to bother you but I wondered if you had any advice for me?

I had an ultrasound today by a nurse, she was really rude to me and made me feel like rubbish, she felt my dimple and told me I was tensing so I had to show her that I wasn't, she then admitted it was a deep dimple, the. Squeezed some blood out. She did t tell me anything about the ultrasound but has sent me for a genetics referral and another appointment in December? She said I may have a biopsy but may not.

Really dont know how to feel as I thought if it was nothing she would of told me or if it was something. Stuck in limbo presuming nothings wrong as she was rude and laid back.

The DNA tests are because Ive lost a lot of close family to cancer and already had it myself.

They didn't ask me about my drugs which my Gastro consultant phones me up an told me to stop taking because of the risk of cancer.

I'm so sorry for ranting.

Take care

Xxx

Hi Kylieann,

firstly, NO ONE should treat you like that. A quiet word in the consultants ear usually does the trick, or write a note just explaining that you were scared and worried and your treatment that day didn't help. It could just be the nurse had her own awful worries, but if not, then a short note or quiet word should be enough to stop it happening to someone else.

I am sorry you have already had dealings with this disease, and we here all know that recurrance is something we dread, but as so many of the ladies here have said, the doctors would prefer you to go to them 10 times unnecessariy than miss something, and you cannot help your fears no matter how rational you try to be.

There is no point in telling you not to worry - because the truth is you will. But worrying will not change the result, it will just take up your precious energy and set your mind spiralling into the thoughts and feelings you had when you were diagnosed orginally. I am not a medical person, but i do know that aside from your greatest fear, there are so many other things such as infected cysts, blocked ducts and so forth that cause strange symptoms. Try to take strength from the reassurance that aside from the one snotty nurse you had on this visit, the rest of the team are truely dedicated and will guide you through whatever caused this and treatments with your full co-operation.

Try also to remember that although it is difficult, when you are worried try and do something posiitve, time spent worrying is time not spent doing what you enjoy with those you love and have fun with. it also causes wrinkles!

I do wish you well as everyone here will, and if you look back over some of the posts there will be a wealth of love and support in the messages that I hope will help you as much as they helped me. Please do come back and tell us how you got on. When do you get your results? if you write to the department about your treatment you could ask for the results, they will then call you in. The drugs you are taking could maybe affect other tissues in respect of swellings infections and so on, but this I cannot answer, you will need to speak to your GP if you need reassurance.

My email - simplysara1 then the at sign followed by hotmail dot com, if you would like to talk, or try your local MacMillian - if you have had cancer (and it doesn't mean to say this time it is) they will understand your fears. It really does help to talk, and they have far more expereince and knowledge than I can give you.

best wishes

sara xxx

Kylie,

You seem to be in a pretty bad place at the moment....... and I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad time at your ultrasound.

My advice is that you ring up your breast care unit and tell them what happened, tell them that you are stuck in limbo and ask to see a breast care nurse....... you are entitled to speak to one..... and hopefully she will be able to put your mind at rest and maybe even get you in to see someone.

The waiting is a nightmare..... if you had been told something definite, it would be easier to cope with.... the not knowing is the worst.

Don't apologise for bothering us, it's no bether to help someone who is in a similar position... fear is something that you don't have to deal with alone.

Love Caz xxx

I forgot to tell you how I got on at the hospital

Nasty infection is kicking my a*s at the moment........ the right side has healed up lovely... no more fluid... but the left side was full and needed draining, because I have been so poorly this last week, I expected the fluid to come out like it did last week (like cold tea) but when my surgeon pulled the needle out, nothing came out of the canula, but as she tipped it down, a thick gloopy drop hit the dish, and then she started to panic, she attatched a srynge and started to pull out a load of thick goop... it was like mud... she said my chest wall should be bright red by the state of the infection.

So I am now on some heavy duty antibiotics and I have to go back on Friday... if the infection continues she is going to put a mini drain in.

And to top it all... the dress I ordered to wear to this wedding, didn't turn up

But my gorgeous husband saved the day.... this afternoon he took me to a local boutique and bout me a total new outfit...... When we walked into the shop, the lady asked if she could help me, I explained what I needed, that I was going to a wedding but was struggling with my stupid fake boobs, to which she answered, "Mine is ok, I just pop it into my bra and nobody knows the difference" she picked out a gorgeous outfit and I cant wait to wear it tomorrow.

Dave is going to take pictures of me wearing it and I will put it up on here for you to see

I will pop back on friday and tall you how it all went.

take care

Love Caz xx

Hi Caz,

Well done on the outfit,your husband sounds a gem,i bet you will look knockout. It was fate that your dress didnt come so that you would meet the assistant Have an absolutely brilliant day and hopefully that infection will go soon.

Have a ball,Cinderella

Rose xxx

Hi Ladieeees,

Not heard anything from you in 4 days so starting to worry - how are you all doing?

Much Love

T xxxx

Hi Tony, no news is good news lol. I personally am fine, finished chemo nearly 4 weeks ago and starting radiotherapy on 25/11m so even tho it will run over xmas thankfully xmas is a sat so i'll not need to go that day lol. Got a few aches and pains but think thats cause i need a new mattress which has actually arrived today thank goodness, hope you are well. Col x

Hi guys

First let me say well done Colly... you seem so positive about everything.

Well, I went to the wedding.... what a nightmare,... The wedding itself was a farce, the bride was inside with all the guests and the groom was outside with his ex wife.... I stuggled so much more than I thought I would... cleavages everywhere.... i couldn't stop from crying........ The infection is still kicking my behind.... but I am back at the hospital tomorrow at 4 so hopefully something will get sorted

I seem to be really down at the moment, I really can't get used to my altered body image.... when I try to talk about it, I just cry... and I can't seem to get any better.

I just don't know which way to turn at the moment .... I guess I never realised how much my cleavage was part of who I am.... and now I feel like I am not that person anymore........ I hate being such a misery guts..... but I see no way out until the reconstruction next year.

Am I going to be this unhappy until my reconstruction.... or will it get better?

Love Caz xx

Dear Caz,

I know exactly how you are feeling - after my op (infection too) I cried all the time worrying my husband and children so much - I just couldn't stop - sometimes for days. I have always had small boobs and really thought it wouldn't bother me too much having my right one removed - how wrong was I *_BUT_ *please believe me it will get better. I still have a few tears now and again but nothing like at the beginning. I am not even sure I will ever have reconstruction. I bought M&S mastectomy bras with matching underwear and never look at myself naked - which is something I will have to get over for future checking. I had my last chemo last Weds and still feeling yuck but knowing at least for now the poison is over. You will feel better slowly - although your cleavage may be important its not the whole of you and never would have been even without this illness. You are a lovely person who certainly helped me in the past and now you need to think only of you.

My really strong brave husband has his reversal for rectal cancer this Thursday and we are both looking forward to Xmas. OK we are not the same people we were a year ago either inside or out but we have to make the most of every single second of our lives whatever we look like on the outside - not easy but we will get there and God willing so will you and your family

You will get through all of this and be happy again - it just takes time, love, faith and a little bit of luck

Love

Jan xx

Dear Caz,

I know exactly how you are feeling - after my op (infection too) I cried all the time worrying my husband and children so much - I just couldn't stop - sometimes for days. I have always had small boobs and really thought it wouldn't bother me too much having my right one removed - how wrong was I *_BUT_ *please believe me it will get better. I still have a few tears now and again but nothing like at the beginning. I am not even sure I will ever have reconstruction. I bought M&S mastectomy bras with matching underwear and never look at myself naked - which is something I will have to get over for future checking. I had my last chemo last Weds and still feeling yuck but knowing at least for now the poison is over. You will feel better slowly - although your cleavage may be important its not the whole of you and never would have been even without this illness. You are a lovely person who certainly helped me in the past and now you need to think only of you.

My really strong brave husband has his reversal for rectal cancer this Thursday and we are both looking forward to Xmas. OK we are not the same people we were a year ago either inside or out but we have to make the most of every single second of our lives whatever we look like on the outside - not easy but we will get there and God willing so will you and your family

You will get through all of this and be happy again - it just takes time, love, faith and a little bit of luck

Love

Jan xx

darlin Caz

you have been thru so much remember how much u have coped with already !! and survived and u will survive this in every sense!!!

I havent had mastectomy so i wont pretent to know excatly how u feel but like u i have always has big boobs and it is part of us my scars arent great and my right boob is still blue green from the dye they used. i used to do alot exercise which i not able to do so have put on weight despite feeling sick from chemo. and of course there is the bald head ! again my hair always defined me redhead !! I am not comparing any of this to what u going thru just saying that not only are we coping with this crap disease we are coping with a huge change in body image and self esteem and confidence of sexuality!! i hate lookin in mirror to try to wear more make up !it is completely normal to feel sad I KNOW U WILL GET THRU THIS u seem such fab person who has coped with so much!! You also need to remember that when u have an infection anywhere u are much lower anyway so its double whammy!!!

do u think speaking to someone independant would help ie mc millian helpline only that u can say things u might not want to talk to family about ?

once the infection is gone u will feel much better and u can get some pretty underwear darlin u are so in all our thoughts

please come here any time if u want my email please let me know xxx

lots love and hugs xxxxx nina

As the site is closing for a day or so I will wish Andy good luck now.Hope it all goes well.

Love to you both

Rose xx

Hi to all you lovely ladies and Tony - great to hear from you

I have not been on for a while and it is great to read that Colly and Lee are at the end of the chemo and what lovely words you have to say to all. Sorry Caz that you have had a bit of a rough time, but like Nina says the infection is pulling you down and making you feel worse. Hope that clears up asap.

Happy Birthday Lee and you go for it girl.

I go for my 5th chemo on thursday, the last one took a while to get over but at least I was not sick! I feel I have turned a corner mentally and feeling quite normal if you know what I mean. I even attempted to do a bit of gardening the other day but got stung by a wasp which was hiding in the gardeing glove!

Love to you all

Anne

x

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to say i'm so sorry i wasn't able to come on and thank you for your replies, really meant alot. It's been an awful week and my computer is broken! I also was phoned by my GP who found out that something is wrong and that a team of doctors are having a meeting about me?

I hope you're all doing ok? Always thinking of you and wishong you well!

Luv Kylie xxx

hello lovely ladies and lovely Tony,

seems i have missed so much in the few days i have been away. Well, firstly you are all wonderful, and although i have my first chemo today - i am not too daunted by it thanks to your continued support and honesty in whats involved. i know there is no telling how I will react but I feel ready to face what comes my way.

once again reading through the thread and seeing how much i have missed, i come away feeling enlightened and humbled by your words.

Caz my heart goes out to you as I know once you hit that spiral it is hard to come out of. I felt disfigured just with a scar and then the thought of 5 weeks of radio followed by one weeks intensive has scared me for weeks, the thought of the breast shrinking and looking odd and so forth. However, on my pre chemo visit this week, I met two lovely ladies - and as you do when you go through this awful journey to recovery, i was looking to see who was wearing a wig- ie was it obvious to all, and who had breasts and who didn't. What suprised me was I had been talking to this woman for a good while before i noticed she had a breast removed but her wonderful smile and winning personality - and her loose cardi buttoned at the waist only, completely hid it.  I don't know that I would have had her confidence but since having this 'thing' i find myself looking at people differently and it made me realise, it is more important to us than to others. my other half cannot understand the paranoia about my hair for example. But  please take away the thought as the girls have said before, that it really is what's inside that counts. Every time i come here, i see small pictures of you all - i do not see imperfections, i see wonderful normal human beings with nothing but love warmth and understanding. Someone once said to me that you cannot understand unless you have been there yourself, and someone else said that the reward for that comes when you can hold out your hand and help someone else through it.  Allow yourself time to grieve - it is a part of you that you have lost, but then ask yourself, would it change the way you felt about your friend, mother sister? Sexuality, personality and attractiveness is determined by so many things, its not about physical looks, look at Simon Weston, he had no face, he couldn't hide his imperfections and found true love. I am sending you my love and extra hugs as i might not be on here for a couple of days, but i will be thinking of you and hoping you will find the strength to turn that corner.  Love to you all,

sara x

Nice one Sara

Rosexxx

Sara, Sara, Sara,

What beautiful words and so right about the likes of Simon Weston...I was thinking of a similar thing when I got to that bit....isn't it funny that we call them imperfections too...we all have to have exactly the same but that is not how it works...people in the world are coming to terms with differences all the time. It wasn't that long ago that people with mental and physical disabilities were locked away from the public's gaze or shown in freak shows. Also mixed race or same sex couples would be stared at because people did not approve or found it odd...there will always be the person who is the exception and will have prejudice for whatever reason..anyways what I am trying to say is that people are far more understanding and unphased than we realise. I think like you were saying curiousity is what it is in the main...I went for my first chemo in my next battle and did exactly what you said...i.e. looked around for the wigs, why I don't know just curious was all it was I expect...There was a lady and her friend behind me sniggering away and I had to tell them to behave and not have so much fun having chemo...like I said on my thread it was good to see and got an extra giggle from the ladies :-)

If you have a look at the picture you can just see them huddled over sniggering....

[[]]

Anyways sorry for the ramble as the Irinotecan (evil irene) is making me a bit woozy so had better stop typing... :-)

Much Love to all you lovely ladeeees.

Tony xxxx

hi sara its lovely your are giving so much strength to people out there,i dropped down to see my sister today she so upset as she has been told,her cancer is not curable now,and she had been doing so well for 18months now, and her most recent scan had revealed the cancer had spread to her lungs and liver,i had been wondering if my visits were doing her much good,but then i had a lovely message from dizzie which made me realise what my visits were doing for her,its taken me a week to convince her to fight and take the course of chemo they offering to her,which she did and is feeling so ill today,i just want to wish everybody good wishes,and best wishes to you sara,,,,,,,,,

Hi Irishman,

Sorry to hear about your sister.My cancer returned in lymph glands in neck and chest and is also non cureable but I have been on oral chemo for 2 years and ongoing so let your sister know that there are so many different treatments now so dont give up hope.

She must be so glad to have you.

Good luck to you both.

Rose xxx

hi rose, colly, lee, patrica n all you lovely ladies

sorry its been so long, took 4weeks for them to sort the phone out n still having problems with internet. had a lovely holiday but never going away again with a 2yr old! yes charly was a ntmare for about 5 days so didnt come home all relaxed n refreshed. to be truthfull ive not been that great but will tell you about that another time.

hope you had a lovely birthday lee n congrats for finishing chemo. you too colly, congratulation. i wish you both well. n rose ive missed you, hope you are well. patrica i was sorry to read about your son. hope you n he are feeling better now n we can go back to our chats.

sara good luck with your chemo, be thinking of you throughout. n caz im so sorry you have been so down. i can only imagine how you feel but hopefully we can all help to pick you back up. hows the infection now? i hope its less painful now. kylie im sorry you have joined our gang of troopers, but we'll help you through as much as we can.

im gonna get off cos mum n dad are here to help me with charly, hes not very well n found out today hes asthmatic. its also my wedding anniversary, 3 years. couldnt of married a nicer man!

lots of love, be back on soon n probably winge a lot!

leonie xxxxxxxxx