Hi,

I am sorry to butt into your discussion but just wanted to wish you all well.

You all seem like tough cookies and am touched, truly.

I am currently waiting, I have my breast clinic appointment on 27th oct and really nervous, not eating or sleeping much to be honest but then I don't eat much anyway lol.

Really don't know what to expect with this appointment just that I will probably be having an ultrasound as I'm only 24.

The reason I went to the GP was because I have bloody nipple discharge and a rather deep dimple. I can't help but think the worst but do understand there are benign causes for this out there. Just glad my GP took me seriously.

Do you mind if I ask how you ladies felt at this stage? Am I insane or am I being normal?

Best wishes everyone

Kylie xxx

No Kylie,

You are not insane..... first let me say you are very sensible to see your doctors immediately.... you would be surprised how many think they are too young so don't bother.

I know this is a very scarey thing to try and come to terms with... and the waiting is the hardest bit.... If I had to discribe how I felt when I was waiting for appointments and tests then I think the only word I could come up with is....LOST... Very emotional and scared to death.... but I now know that all these feelings are perfectly normal.

If you are worried about what to expect, why not ring up your breast clinic and ask them.... they are normaly really good and have no problem explaining what you should expect.

When my doctor refered me to our local breast clinic, I was examined by a lady doctor, then I had to have a mammogram and an ultrasound scan..... I would suggest you take somebody with you... maybe your partner / Mum / friend just for a bit of moral support.... but I have to say that the breast care unit and all it's staff were brilliant and really did well to calm all my fears.

If you have any questions at all, please feel free to come here and ask, there is always somebody who has been in the situation you are in and able to offer help and advice.... we are all here for each other.

Take care honey... and try not to imagine the worst (easier said than done)

Love Caz xxx

Hi Kylieann,

firstly, NO ONE should treat you like that. A quiet word in the consultants ear usually does the trick, or write a note just explaining that you were scared and worried and your treatment that day didn't help. It could just be the nurse had her own awful worries, but if not, then a short note or quiet word should be enough to stop it happening to someone else.

I am sorry you have already had dealings with this disease, and we here all know that recurrance is something we dread, but as so many of the ladies here have said, the doctors would prefer you to go to them 10 times unnecessariy than miss something, and you cannot help your fears no matter how rational you try to be.

There is no point in telling you not to worry - because the truth is you will. But worrying will not change the result, it will just take up your precious energy and set your mind spiralling into the thoughts and feelings you had when you were diagnosed orginally. I am not a medical person, but i do know that aside from your greatest fear, there are so many other things such as infected cysts, blocked ducts and so forth that cause strange symptoms. Try to take strength from the reassurance that aside from the one snotty nurse you had on this visit, the rest of the team are truely dedicated and will guide you through whatever caused this and treatments with your full co-operation.

Try also to remember that although it is difficult, when you are worried try and do something posiitve, time spent worrying is time not spent doing what you enjoy with those you love and have fun with. it also causes wrinkles!

I do wish you well as everyone here will, and if you look back over some of the posts there will be a wealth of love and support in the messages that I hope will help you as much as they helped me. Please do come back and tell us how you got on. When do you get your results? if you write to the department about your treatment you could ask for the results, they will then call you in. The drugs you are taking could maybe affect other tissues in respect of swellings infections and so on, but this I cannot answer, you will need to speak to your GP if you need reassurance.

My email - simplysara1 then the at sign followed by hotmail dot com, if you would like to talk, or try your local MacMillian - if you have had cancer (and it doesn't mean to say this time it is) they will understand your fears. It really does help to talk, and they have far more expereince and knowledge than I can give you.

best wishes

sara xxx

Kylie,

You seem to be in a pretty bad place at the moment....... and I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad time at your ultrasound.

My advice is that you ring up your breast care unit and tell them what happened, tell them that you are stuck in limbo and ask to see a breast care nurse....... you are entitled to speak to one..... and hopefully she will be able to put your mind at rest and maybe even get you in to see someone.

The waiting is a nightmare..... if you had been told something definite, it would be easier to cope with.... the not knowing is the worst.

Don't apologise for bothering us, it's no bether to help someone who is in a similar position... fear is something that you don't have to deal with alone.

Love Caz xxx

I forgot to tell you how I got on at the hospital

Nasty infection is kicking my a*s at the moment........ the right side has healed up lovely... no more fluid... but the left side was full and needed draining, because I have been so poorly this last week, I expected the fluid to come out like it did last week (like cold tea) but when my surgeon pulled the needle out, nothing came out of the canula, but as she tipped it down, a thick gloopy drop hit the dish, and then she started to panic, she attatched a srynge and started to pull out a load of thick goop... it was like mud... she said my chest wall should be bright red by the state of the infection.

So I am now on some heavy duty antibiotics and I have to go back on Friday... if the infection continues she is going to put a mini drain in.

And to top it all... the dress I ordered to wear to this wedding, didn't turn up

But my gorgeous husband saved the day.... this afternoon he took me to a local boutique and bout me a total new outfit...... When we walked into the shop, the lady asked if she could help me, I explained what I needed, that I was going to a wedding but was struggling with my stupid fake boobs, to which she answered, "Mine is ok, I just pop it into my bra and nobody knows the difference" she picked out a gorgeous outfit and I cant wait to wear it tomorrow.

Dave is going to take pictures of me wearing it and I will put it up on here for you to see

I will pop back on friday and tall you how it all went.

take care

Love Caz xx

Hi Caz,

Well done on the outfit,your husband sounds a gem,i bet you will look knockout. It was fate that your dress didnt come so that you would meet the assistant Have an absolutely brilliant day and hopefully that infection will go soon.

Have a ball,Cinderella

Rose xxx

Hi Ladieeees,

Not heard anything from you in 4 days so starting to worry - how are you all doing?

Much Love

T xxxx

Hi Tony, no news is good news lol. I personally am fine, finished chemo nearly 4 weeks ago and starting radiotherapy on 25/11m so even tho it will run over xmas thankfully xmas is a sat so i'll not need to go that day lol. Got a few aches and pains but think thats cause i need a new mattress which has actually arrived today thank goodness, hope you are well. Col x

Hi guys

First let me say well done Colly... you seem so positive about everything.

Well, I went to the wedding.... what a nightmare,... The wedding itself was a farce, the bride was inside with all the guests and the groom was outside with his ex wife.... I stuggled so much more than I thought I would... cleavages everywhere.... i couldn't stop from crying........ The infection is still kicking my behind.... but I am back at the hospital tomorrow at 4 so hopefully something will get sorted

I seem to be really down at the moment, I really can't get used to my altered body image.... when I try to talk about it, I just cry... and I can't seem to get any better.

I just don't know which way to turn at the moment .... I guess I never realised how much my cleavage was part of who I am.... and now I feel like I am not that person anymore........ I hate being such a misery guts..... but I see no way out until the reconstruction next year.

Am I going to be this unhappy until my reconstruction.... or will it get better?

Love Caz xx

Dear Caz,

I know exactly how you are feeling - after my op (infection too) I cried all the time worrying my husband and children so much - I just couldn't stop - sometimes for days. I have always had small boobs and really thought it wouldn't bother me too much having my right one removed - how wrong was I *_BUT_ *please believe me it will get better. I still have a few tears now and again but nothing like at the beginning. I am not even sure I will ever have reconstruction. I bought M&S mastectomy bras with matching underwear and never look at myself naked - which is something I will have to get over for future checking. I had my last chemo last Weds and still feeling yuck but knowing at least for now the poison is over. You will feel better slowly - although your cleavage may be important its not the whole of you and never would have been even without this illness. You are a lovely person who certainly helped me in the past and now you need to think only of you.

My really strong brave husband has his reversal for rectal cancer this Thursday and we are both looking forward to Xmas. OK we are not the same people we were a year ago either inside or out but we have to make the most of every single second of our lives whatever we look like on the outside - not easy but we will get there and God willing so will you and your family

You will get through all of this and be happy again - it just takes time, love, faith and a little bit of luck

Love

Jan xx

darlin Caz

you have been thru so much remember how much u have coped with already !! and survived and u will survive this in every sense!!!

I havent had mastectomy so i wont pretent to know excatly how u feel but like u i have always has big boobs and it is part of us my scars arent great and my right boob is still blue green from the dye they used. i used to do alot exercise which i not able to do so have put on weight despite feeling sick from chemo. and of course there is the bald head ! again my hair always defined me redhead !! I am not comparing any of this to what u going thru just saying that not only are we coping with this crap disease we are coping with a huge change in body image and self esteem and confidence of sexuality!! i hate lookin in mirror to try to wear more make up !it is completely normal to feel sad I KNOW U WILL GET THRU THIS u seem such fab person who has coped with so much!! You also need to remember that when u have an infection anywhere u are much lower anyway so its double whammy!!!

do u think speaking to someone independant would help ie mc millian helpline only that u can say things u might not want to talk to family about ?

once the infection is gone u will feel much better and u can get some pretty underwear darlin u are so in all our thoughts

please come here any time if u want my email please let me know xxx

lots love and hugs xxxxx nina

Hi guys

just wanted to touch base and let you all know Im starting to feel better now, it has been a long week just existing really, My dear Caz your pain is felt by all of us and I guess all anyone of us can do is listen and try to lift your spirits, I hate my body at the moment which is so wrong as its my body that is fighting this awful illness, wether you are religious or not we have to agree our bodies are amazing, so very intricate in every way , there is not one single piece of machinery known to man that is this intricate yet machines break down all the time, no one piece of machinery is used in so many ways as our bodies are.

Many of us forget what a miracle life is until we are faced with its loss.I get so low sometimes thinking of the months I have spent feeling sick and the scars that now form a permanent part of my makeup, yet in my heart I know that Im loved so very much by my family and friends no matter what I look like and this time will pass and happier days will come again and all this will be one day a distant memory just enough to remind me how lucky I am and I dont just mean surviving I mean lucky to have the ability to walk and talk and laugh and cry and hundreds of other less obvious things that our bodies do for us every day without recognition. To really appreciate happiness we must experience sorrow so for each one of us our days of happiness are just around the corner and noone will appreciate or enjoy them more than we will.

Love to each and every one of you

Lee xx

Hi guys

just wanted to touch base and let you all know Im starting to feel better now, it has been a long week just existing really, My dear Caz your pain is felt by all of us and I guess all anyone of us can do is listen and try to lift your spirits, I hate my body at the moment which is so wrong as its my body that is fighting this awful illness, wether you are religious or not we have to agree our bodies are amazing, so very intricate in every way , there is not one single piece of machinery known to man that is this intricate yet machines break down all the time, no one piece of machinery is used in so many ways as our bodies are.

Many of us forget what a miracle life is until we are faced with its loss.I get so low sometimes thinking of the months I have spent feeling sick and the scars that now form a permanent part of my makeup, yet in my heart I know that Im loved so very much by my family and friends no matter what I look like and this time will pass and happier days will come again and all this will be one day a distant memory just enough to remind me how lucky I am and I dont just mean surviving I mean lucky to have the ability to walk and talk and laugh and cry and hundreds of other less obvious things that our bodies do for us every day without recognition. To really appreciate happiness we must experience sorrow so for each one of us our days of happiness are just around the corner and noone will appreciate or enjoy them more than we will.

Love to each and every one of you

Lee xx

Hi Lee, wise and true words from yourself as usual, you always seem to know the right things to say & caz Im not always positive, every ache or pain I have I think the cancer has spread, its my amazing partner that gets me through. I think your very brave to have went along to this wedding to be honest I really havent went out that much during my treatment, we have been invited to a few parties, but i never felt up to going as they always seemed to fall just a few days after chemo when i felt at my worst and i dont feel comfy wearing my wig. I had to go into work the other day for a team meeting and dreaded it, i wore my wig and to be honest people who didnt know my hair had fallen out just thought id had low lights lo, but i still feel uncomfortable wearing it. I havent had my breasts removed only a lump, but you are here and youve been so positive at times, its only natural to have off days. I just got my appt through yest for my radiotherapy which starts 25th nov for 6 weeks so will run over xmas, but at least xmas is on a sat so i wont have to go lol. Speak to you all soon, lots of love coming your way, xxx

Hi Colly

its coming on this site that makes me feel so humble, being amongst such strong women makes me appreciate everything around me and thank god Im alive.

Im so glad you are feeling better and you must tell me when your hair starts growing back to a stage when it is just a short cut.

Its my birthday on thursday.....43 ahhhh lol anyway Im having a friend do my false lashes for me for the friday and my mum has bought me a new dress (loose and baggy to hide the weight gain) and Friday night ima goin out to paint the town red....well maybe pinkish so wish me luck girls this is my first night out since my op in June and Im terrified !!!

If you read in the newspaper ....headline bald headed woman found waving false breast at passers by singing show me the way to go home...dont worry its only me ....lol xx

take care

lee xxxxxx

lol happy birthday when it comes and have a fab night out. What kind of false lashes are you getting and how long do they last? Im not into these glue on ones but dunno if i have enough of my own to get others added to if that makes sense? x

Hi lee,

Being as the site is closing down for a couple of days I will wish you a happy birthday for Thursday.I have a mental picture of you being loaded into the police car!!!You made me giggle.Have a lovely time.

Rose xxx