Hello Adviceorhelp, 

What a rollercoaster it is indeed for you both! It's totally understandable that this is getting you down when you are a very patient person. You are doing everything you can to support him, attending hospital appointments and being by his side every step of the way and I am sure he appreciates that but as you noticed yourself, sometimes the strain of it all can affect him and get him down and I am sure he doesn't mean to distance himself from you but there may be times when it all gets a bit much for him and it makes him want to withdraw in his shell. It must be so hard for you when he gets angry and short-tempered with you as you clearly do not deserve it and you're the one having to spend every minute of your time looking after him and that can't be easy for you either. 

I hope that you will hear from the experiences of other carers and I am sure they will have been through something similar, looking after a loved one with cancer and feeling a little drained sometimes and powerless when their loved one is feeling low. It's important to remember then that it's nothing personal and that you are doing your best and actually helping enormously on so many levels. Other members of our community will also be able to relate to your feeling of loneliness, that feeling of being a stranger almost to someone you have lived with for 35 years. Cancer can have an impact on so many levels and it's hard to know sometimes what to do to make our loved one feel better. We do have some information on our website on how to support someone with cancer and there is a paragraph in there on 'the emotions they might feel' and an understanding of these emotions can help you to support them. It might be worth having a look too at our section on how cancer can make you feel as well as these tips for anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer on managing their emotions . Understanding how your husband might be feeling, the complexity of the emotions involved might be helpful and there is one crucial thing you mustn't forget to do in all this, and that is taking care of yourself, it may sound like a crazy thing to do when your husband is going through all this, but actually taking a little breather from time to time is so important. Caring for someone is very tiring physically and emotionally so by looking after yourself, taking breaks and making sure you are getting plenty of sleep and rest too, you will then feel a lot better to cope and to be there for your husband. There is support available and I would also suggest you reach out to organisations like CarersUK . 

I think what you are already doing is fantastic and phenomenal - it was a real selfless act to give up your job to be by his side and I am sure that he truly appreciates everything you are doing. It sounds like your husband is just struggling with anxiety at the moment and it might be worth bringing it up with his medical team or his GP just to see if there is anything they can do to help him feel better during this difficult time. If you feel that you also need to talk to someone about all this, there may be support groups in your local area or you could also ask your GP to refer you for some counselling if you feel it could help. 

You are not alone in this rollercoaster and I will now let our members who understand exactly what you are going through come and say hello and share their story with you. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hello Adviceorhelp, 

What a rollercoaster it is indeed for you both! It's totally understandable that this is getting you down when you are a very patient person. You are doing everything you can to support him, attending hospital appointments and being by his side every step of the way and I am sure he appreciates that but as you noticed yourself, sometimes the strain of it all can affect him and get him down and I am sure he doesn't mean to distance himself from you but there may be times when it all gets a bit much for him and it makes him want to withdraw in his shell. It must be so hard for you when he gets angry and short-tempered with you as you clearly do not deserve it and you're the one having to spend every minute of your time looking after him and that can't be easy for you either. 

I hope that you will hear from the experiences of other carers and I am sure they will have been through something similar, looking after a loved one with cancer and feeling a little drained sometimes and powerless when their loved one is feeling low. It's important to remember then that it's nothing personal and that you are doing your best and actually helping enormously on so many levels. Other members of our community will also be able to relate to your feeling of loneliness, that feeling of being a stranger almost to someone you have lived with for 35 years. Cancer can have an impact on so many levels and it's hard to know sometimes what to do to make our loved one feel better. We do have some information on our website on how to support someone with cancer and there is a paragraph in there on 'the emotions they might feel' and an understanding of these emotions can help you to support them. It might be worth having a look too at our section on how cancer can make you feel as well as these tips for anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer on managing their emotions . Understanding how your husband might be feeling, the complexity of the emotions involved might be helpful and there is one crucial thing you mustn't forget to do in all this, and that is taking care of yourself, it may sound like a crazy thing to do when your husband is going through all this, but actually taking a little breather from time to time is so important. Caring for someone is very tiring physically and emotionally so by looking after yourself, taking breaks and making sure you are getting plenty of sleep and rest too, you will then feel a lot better to cope and to be there for your husband. There is support available and I would also suggest you reach out to organisations like CarersUK . 

I think what you are already doing is fantastic and phenomenal - it was a real selfless act to give up your job to be by his side and I am sure that he truly appreciates everything you are doing. It sounds like your husband is just struggling with anxiety at the moment and it might be worth bringing it up with his medical team or his GP just to see if there is anything they can do to help him feel better during this difficult time. If you feel that you also need to talk to someone about all this, there may be support groups in your local area or you could also ask your GP to refer you for some counselling if you feel it could help. 

You are not alone in this rollercoaster and I will now let our members who understand exactly what you are going through come and say hello and share their story with you. 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator