Hey. I've never posted anything about this before.

I'm 42, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer last October. I had chemo, which was unsuccessful. That's not to say that subsequent treatments were not helpful, but the one that ruined me was not.

Until then I was a very fit, active, and busy person. My job was outdoors on a lorry yard, I commuted a 24 mile round trip daily by bicycle under my own steam, and I was, by most accounts, amazing. (Not to blow my own trumpet, of course )

I've scoured the Internet for people with possible similar feelings, just so as to feel like I'm not alone, but honestly, I end up not feeling like a "people".

Now, I understand the plight of those that have had to undergo a mastectomy. I do.

I think,  probably, I'd be a wreck.

But my current feeling is that I'd rather lob off a *** than have to face the world with the face of someone 20 years older. (And I've nothing against age, it's just that some of us have the pleasure of looking like old witches - not so much with the Helen mirrens)

I digress, of course.

To the subject: marital breakdown.  Completely due to my own inability to be sexual. Not because of my body, or my breasts which are actually (miraculously) intact; but I'm not the same.

I imagine myself in a seductive role and feel like I want to be sick. 

My husband repeatedly tells me I'm beautiful.  I cannot fault him -Though he has never seen me without a wig on - or a beanie. I wear it constantly, and he respectfully looks away if I need to switch between. However, I've never been pretty, and can only pass as mildly attractive with a fringe. I've never not had one.

He is Frustrated, sexually, and although we do it once or twice a week, it usually results in my losing my confidence very quickly, which in turn leads to him thinking I'm not into him, and eventually, that I'M looking elsewhere! (Go figure - he's hot)

I didn't want to say what I was doing on my phone while writing this (obviously) which caused him to think I was acting " suspicious "

My google searches tonight have involved "how to be sexy after breast cancer", "affects of cancer on marriages", etc.

It has not been promising, I can assure you, but most results have focused on body changes, and my massive concern is what has happened to my face.

I tried on a beautiful dress the other day. It fitted beautifully, was affordable, etc... but my face ruined it. My wig was all ratted, and I just thought, what's the point? You look like a ****.

Today, he told me he looked at videos of me last night. In order to... you know...

I guess that got to me because they were old videos/photos

I guess I'm just hoping someone can relate or advise. Or anything really. 

"Reaching out" so to speak.