Hello old.c,

                   must admit that your post touched upon a lot of what l have felt since my brush with cancer,certainly agree with the statement that whilst cancer kills,treatment destroys.Its an irony that whilst my stage 4 cancer never affected me right up to and including diagnosis,what followed most certainly did,and left a lot of devastation l have had to deal with for a good number of years afterwards.

What l have learnt is that you really beat yourself up trying to regain your former self,and constantly comparing today to yesterday is destructive to your mind and well being.The turning point for me came when l effectively laid out all my emotions,feelings,wishes and desires into the light of day and realised they all pointed backwards to the life l led previously,which had now gone.Previously l had gone over and over all of this,but in segments never as a whole,like a merry go round l jumped upon ,but never on the same place,trying to sort an issue in isolation but never achieving the whole.

Finally the acceptance that ineffect l had been given a second life that did not need to encompass all of that l had in the first,opened up a multitude of options and opportunities that l never accessed in the past,gave renewed hope,impetus,happiness a new journey that stretched forward in front of me.No longer would l stand at a deserted bus stop waiting for a service that was cancelled and never going to come,l now had my new transport that could carry me to new destinations.

Having said the above,its not the case that you leave all behind you,more a case that you present yourself with a brand new menu,and you start from scratch making up your new diet,and yes some items will be similar to those you had before,but importantly not the same items.

This is a process that took time to go through,but the result was far,far better than l could have possibly imagined whilst in the middle of doing so.l hope you can find your way through your difficulties and that this post in some small way helps you shorten your time in doing so,

                                                                                                                     be gentle to yourself in a time of great personal turbulence,

                                                      David

Hi Old c, I can relate a lot to what your saying.

I have Breast Cancer and have had 2 failed surgeries which have left some disfigurement and am currently awaiting a mastectomy and reconstruction which I've been told by my proff will not be a good look. I didn't go near my long term partner sexually at all for several years. He was on dating sites despite saying it wouldn't bother him to look at young topless girls in th we it 20's and 30's who he really believed fancied him. He's 65 and covered in varicose veins and not even attractive. I was his only relationship he'd ever had. He didn't have a clue in bed yet he'd spent his whole life with hookers or one night stands from dating sites. He also had ED yet still went with these women knowing nothing would happen,only he could masterbate on them. He saved all the topless pictures he was sent also go to the same purpose. He w as s incapable of a normal relationship.

A few months ago he started getting physically violent as I deteriorated as he said he couldn't cope with my illness even tho I'm not terminal as yet. The result being I left him . He tells everyone he still loves me but was back on the sites meeting women within a  week. He doesn't know I can still see his emails on my pc as he used it when his broke and I know his password!. He even put my diagnosis on YouTube and everyone knows we were a couple after I'd said all along it was private and some of my children didn't even know. He told other people who knew USC both as well when I asked him to keep it private between us. Leaving me unable to talk about how I felt, it was all about him, typical n as narcissistic behaviour. He still doing it know,he's lied to his sister and others I've read on his emails, that I've refused surgery and he's not watching me die etc which I haven't and so many other things but not a word of what he did or has been doing that emotionally and  physically nearly broke me for all these years, everything is about him to get as much sympathy as possible.

I know my story is different to yours but I'll gladly be a friend to as my one who needs one. I'm trying to move on and find someone who I feel I deserve but the   subject can't exactly be hidden for long can it? I don't know how I'll feel after either. I hope we all find a solution to our own issues.