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Sex life after breast cancer. Struggling with the new me

Old.c
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Hey. I've never posted anything about this before.

I'm 42, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer last October. I had chemo, which was unsuccessful. That's not to say that subsequent treatments were not helpful, but the one that ruined me was not.

Until then I was a very fit, active, and busy person. My job was outdoors on a lorry yard, I commuted a 24 mile round trip daily by bicycle under my own steam, and I was, by most accounts, amazing. (Not to blow my own trumpet, of course )

I've scoured the Internet for people with possible similar feelings, just so as to feel like I'm not alone, but honestly, I end up not feeling like a "people".

Now, I understand the plight of those that have had to undergo a mastectomy. I do.

I think,  probably, I'd be a wreck.

But my current feeling is that I'd rather lob off a *** than have to face the world with the face of someone 20 years older. (And I've nothing against age, it's just that some of us have the pleasure of looking like old witches - not so much with the Helen mirrens)

I digress, of course.

To the subject: marital breakdown.  Completely due to my own inability to be sexual. Not because of my body, or my breasts which are actually (miraculously) intact; but I'm not the same.

I imagine myself in a seductive role and feel like I want to be sick. 

My husband repeatedly tells me I'm beautiful.  I cannot fault him -Though he has never seen me without a wig on - or a beanie. I wear it constantly, and he respectfully looks away if I need to switch between. However, I've never been pretty, and can only pass as mildly attractive with a fringe. I've never not had one.

He is Frustrated, sexually, and although we do it once or twice a week, it usually results in my losing my confidence very quickly, which in turn leads to him thinking I'm not into him, and eventually, that I'M looking elsewhere! (Go figure - he's hot)

I didn't want to say what I was doing on my phone while writing this (obviously) which caused him to think I was acting " suspicious "

My google searches tonight have involved "how to be sexy after breast cancer", "affects of cancer on marriages", etc.

It has not been promising, I can assure you, but most results have focused on body changes, and my massive concern is what has happened to my face.

I tried on a beautiful dress the other day. It fitted beautifully, was affordable, etc... but my face ruined it. My wig was all ratted, and I just thought, what's the point? You look like a ****.

Today, he told me he looked at videos of me last night. In order to... you know...

I guess that got to me because they were old videos/photos

I guess I'm just hoping someone can relate or advise. Or anything really. 

"Reaching out" so to speak. 

Parents
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    Hello old.c,

                       must admit that your post touched upon a lot of what l have felt since my brush with cancer,certainly agree with the statement that whilst cancer kills,treatment destroys.Its an irony that whilst my stage 4 cancer never affected me right up to and including diagnosis,what followed most certainly did,and left a lot of devastation l have had to deal with for a good number of years afterwards.

    What l have learnt is that you really beat yourself up trying to regain your former self,and constantly comparing today to yesterday is destructive to your mind and well being.The turning point for me came when l effectively laid out all my emotions,feelings,wishes and desires into the light of day and realised they all pointed backwards to the life l led previously,which had now gone.Previously l had gone over and over all of this,but in segments never as a whole,like a merry go round l jumped upon ,but never on the same place,trying to sort an issue in isolation but never achieving the whole.

    Finally the acceptance that ineffect l had been given a second life that did not need to encompass all of that l had in the first,opened up a multitude of options and opportunities that l never accessed in the past,gave renewed hope,impetus,happiness a new journey that stretched forward in front of me.No longer would l stand at a deserted bus stop waiting for a service that was cancelled and never going to come,l now had my new transport that could carry me to new destinations.

    Having said the above,its not the case that you leave all behind you,more a case that you present yourself with a brand new menu,and you start from scratch making up your new diet,and yes some items will be similar to those you had before,but importantly not the same items.

    This is a process that took time to go through,but the result was far,far better than l could have possibly imagined whilst in the middle of doing so.l hope you can find your way through your difficulties and that this post in some small way helps you shorten your time in doing so,

                                                                                                                         be gentle to yourself in a time of great personal turbulence,

                                                          David

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  • Offline

    Hello old.c,

                       must admit that your post touched upon a lot of what l have felt since my brush with cancer,certainly agree with the statement that whilst cancer kills,treatment destroys.Its an irony that whilst my stage 4 cancer never affected me right up to and including diagnosis,what followed most certainly did,and left a lot of devastation l have had to deal with for a good number of years afterwards.

    What l have learnt is that you really beat yourself up trying to regain your former self,and constantly comparing today to yesterday is destructive to your mind and well being.The turning point for me came when l effectively laid out all my emotions,feelings,wishes and desires into the light of day and realised they all pointed backwards to the life l led previously,which had now gone.Previously l had gone over and over all of this,but in segments never as a whole,like a merry go round l jumped upon ,but never on the same place,trying to sort an issue in isolation but never achieving the whole.

    Finally the acceptance that ineffect l had been given a second life that did not need to encompass all of that l had in the first,opened up a multitude of options and opportunities that l never accessed in the past,gave renewed hope,impetus,happiness a new journey that stretched forward in front of me.No longer would l stand at a deserted bus stop waiting for a service that was cancelled and never going to come,l now had my new transport that could carry me to new destinations.

    Having said the above,its not the case that you leave all behind you,more a case that you present yourself with a brand new menu,and you start from scratch making up your new diet,and yes some items will be similar to those you had before,but importantly not the same items.

    This is a process that took time to go through,but the result was far,far better than l could have possibly imagined whilst in the middle of doing so.l hope you can find your way through your difficulties and that this post in some small way helps you shorten your time in doing so,

                                                                                                                         be gentle to yourself in a time of great personal turbulence,

                                                          David

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