Oh Lassie,

Bless you! I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband and send my sincere condolences. It is still early days and, far too early for you to be able to accept and process all that has happened. The way you are feeling is all part of the grieving process and this will take as long as it takes for you. There is no definite time frame for getting to grips with it all. Twelve weeks is no time at all. Do you have any family or friends who can help and support you through this tragic period? I know that you still have to face going home on your own, but it is good to have someone who you can confide in.

Would you consider seeing a counsellor? Many bereaved people find it helpful to talk to a trained counsellor who, although a stranger, is used to hearing from people about just how dire life feels at the moment. It is perfectly normal to feel angry, cheated, lost and a plethora of other emotions. It is not until these begin to pass that you will begin to accept your husband's passing. There are a number of different stages to grief and it can take months or even years to work your way through them all. Please don't be so hard on yourself. 

We are always here for you and I hope that we can help you in some small way. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are feeling. Many of us have been where you are and, won't be shocked by anything you say or feel.

Kindest regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you so much for your kind , and caring reply , I honestly didn't realise how hard this would be , he suffered for 21/2 years , you think you are prepared, well as much as can be . But I feel I'm fighting to stay in control of my feelings, so I don't upset the family, it was a total  shock when he passed , even though he had two syringe drivers on and hadn't eaten or drank for a week , I just didn't want to believe it was finally happening, I'm desperate to talk to him , this feeling of desperation is overwhelming, how do you face the fact your never going to cuddle them or talk with them , I can't see a day when I don't feel so overwhelmed, . I think I will have to see a councillor, 

Hi Lassie,

It is heart breaking watching someone suffering, yet not being able to do anything to help. No matter how well prepared you think you are, it still comes as a terrible shock in the end. I have found that keeping a photograph of a loved one in a prominent position where you pass it throughout the day is helpful. If you do this, you can at least talk to the photograph of your husband. This is nothing like doing it in person, but it really does help.

Do you have any religious belief, or belief in the hereafter that might help you? I am not at all religious, but I believe that the loved ones who have gone before me are looking after us still. There is always a 'presence' about me that gives me the strength to carry on. I am sure that your husband would be the last person to want to see you like this. Try to think of how lucky you were to have such a good marriage for so long and, try to do things that would make him proud of what you are doing and how you are coping.

You will reach a day when you are not so overwhelmed, but it would certainly be worth seeing a counsellor to see if this will help. Where did your husband die and what was the cause of his death? There are a number of different ways of getting access to a counsellor. If he died of cancer, there are a number of cancer charities that offer this service. Many hospices have their own services too. Here is a list of some organisations that you might find helpful.

Accepting that you need help is the first step in dealing with your problems. It is worth reading some of the guidance about grief on some of the sites that I mentioned above. It is not at all unusual to be depressed after losing a loved one. Have you mentioned this to your GP and have you been prescribed any medication to help?

Grief is a very real emotion and, I sincerely hope that, with a little help you will begin to cope a little better.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. Remember that we are always here for you too.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Dear Lassie,

You're not going to upset anyone by saying how you feel. You will wear yourself out trying to hold it all in.  Everyone grieves in different ways no one should judge you, but it sounds like you are hiding it from everyone. The trouble is if you hide it maybe everyone else needs to as well, if they think you're dealing with it no one will want to rock the boat and open up. Do you have family, children, also mourning his death? They may struggle to express their feelings if it seems you have decided to soldier on. Of course it hurts, grief is physically and emotionally exhausting, how you have managed to go back to work I don't know! 
At this point your grief is entirely normal, but carrying it alone will make it harder and longer. I know it seems impossible to see a day when you can live again but you will get there. Is there anyone close you can say how you really feel ? Don't carry this alone, you will find so many people understand how you feel, take care of yourself and let yourself feel what you need to. Most research in grief suggest a year to process loss, but you never really feel it is done. Just one day you realise you've gone a day without thinking of the loss, or you've remembered the person as they were and it made you smile or laugh, and didn't hurt. I promise you it gets easier and if you find over time it really isn't, there are good grief counsellors who can help. Right now you would probably waste your money on counselling sessions crying (that's what I did) rather than processing feelings. It is too raw just yet. What you are feeling and doing is normal, don't forget that. That's what love does to us. Sending you lots of love please tell someone you trust how you are really feeling. 

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely husband. My heartfelt condolences. 

If anyone is needing emotional support right now Cancer Support Scotland in Glasgow, offer up to six free online or telephone Counselling sessions for anyone affected by Cancer including friends, family and carers. They are a wonderful service and so supportive. 

Take care xx

Thank you also for your kind comforting words , It's an awful time , but it has made me see how lovely people are , total strangers, sharing support and care , I know I'll never get over losing my wonderful husband, but you have all made me realise, he wouldn't want me sad , grieve yes , but remember him for the loving caring funny family man he was . Thank you I've cried at work today , because it's sunny . We would walk somewhere. I know I need to start smiling when I remember our walks , But it still hurts knowing we can't do that anymore, hope you're right , time will make me hurt a little less . Kind regards. 

Thank you for just (listening). I will try to open up a little more , without sobbing, your right , we have all lost an amazing husband , dad, grandad , son , uncle . I will let them share my grief, and me theirs , I just felt I wanted to be alone and not show my grief incase it upset them , but we can help each other , Thank you again for just letting me open up , I have loads of emotions bottling inside me , I hope with time as you all say it gets a little less painful,  kind regards 

Ah, it's so hard isn't it, makes me teary just reading your words, whatever comes up just remember it's normal. Grief is crazy, looks different in different people, is a natural process that is basically love. You loved him so of course you're all hurting. Your family will all be feeling it too, you can help each other. I know when my dad died my mum was like granite, we couldn't talk about dad, I was a total mess but she couldn't deal with me or her own grief at all. It's easy to shut people out of your own grief and forget that they have their own, and sharing can help. Hope it does. Lots of love.