Dear Lassie,

You're not going to upset anyone by saying how you feel. You will wear yourself out trying to hold it all in.  Everyone grieves in different ways no one should judge you, but it sounds like you are hiding it from everyone. The trouble is if you hide it maybe everyone else needs to as well, if they think you're dealing with it no one will want to rock the boat and open up. Do you have family, children, also mourning his death? They may struggle to express their feelings if it seems you have decided to soldier on. Of course it hurts, grief is physically and emotionally exhausting, how you have managed to go back to work I don't know! 
At this point your grief is entirely normal, but carrying it alone will make it harder and longer. I know it seems impossible to see a day when you can live again but you will get there. Is there anyone close you can say how you really feel ? Don't carry this alone, you will find so many people understand how you feel, take care of yourself and let yourself feel what you need to. Most research in grief suggest a year to process loss, but you never really feel it is done. Just one day you realise you've gone a day without thinking of the loss, or you've remembered the person as they were and it made you smile or laugh, and didn't hurt. I promise you it gets easier and if you find over time it really isn't, there are good grief counsellors who can help. Right now you would probably waste your money on counselling sessions crying (that's what I did) rather than processing feelings. It is too raw just yet. What you are feeling and doing is normal, don't forget that. That's what love does to us. Sending you lots of love please tell someone you trust how you are really feeling. 

Thank you for just (listening). I will try to open up a little more , without sobbing, your right , we have all lost an amazing husband , dad, grandad , son , uncle . I will let them share my grief, and me theirs , I just felt I wanted to be alone and not show my grief incase it upset them , but we can help each other , Thank you again for just letting me open up , I have loads of emotions bottling inside me , I hope with time as you all say it gets a little less painful,  kind regards 

Thank you for just (listening). I will try to open up a little more , without sobbing, your right , we have all lost an amazing husband , dad, grandad , son , uncle . I will let them share my grief, and me theirs , I just felt I wanted to be alone and not show my grief incase it upset them , but we can help each other , Thank you again for just letting me open up , I have loads of emotions bottling inside me , I hope with time as you all say it gets a little less painful,  kind regards 

Ah, it's so hard isn't it, makes me teary just reading your words, whatever comes up just remember it's normal. Grief is crazy, looks different in different people, is a natural process that is basically love. You loved him so of course you're all hurting. Your family will all be feeling it too, you can help each other. I know when my dad died my mum was like granite, we couldn't talk about dad, I was a total mess but she couldn't deal with me or her own grief at all. It's easy to shut people out of your own grief and forget that they have their own, and sharing can help. Hope it does. Lots of love.

I'm so grateful I found this site , it's comforting to know , this is eventually turn from devastating , all consuming hurt and loss , to special memories and coping with grief. Thank you , take care