Hi Davia 

I know this anxiety we all have will never go away completely but hopefully in time we will all learn to live with our fears of tests, scans and recurrence. I dont think anything really feels the same again after diagnosis, and we just have to make the most of each day hoping and praying that we will never have to go through this again.

You're brother is right regarding the post traumatic stress because we have all been through so much that it will affect us in many ways and I still experience flashbacks now and my mind will wander to dark places often.

I was having psychotherapy up until a few months ago which got stopped because of the Coronavirus pandemic but I was taught to practice Cognitive behavioral therapy which I often use to calm myself down when having negative thoughts and it often does help turn these thoughts around.

My worst times are generally at night and I dont get nearly the amount of sleep I need but I have to try and work on this because it leaves me so fatigued the next day and I just can't push myself too far at the moment but I'm working gradually on improving my fitness and diet to slowly achieve more each day if I can without overdoing  it.

It will get easier Davia we just have to be patient with ourselves and remember what a journey we have been on.

Take one day at a time and dont be too hard on yourself if somedays you don't manage to accomplish everything you set out to do, things can wait and just prioritize the most urgent jobs.

The Covid pandemic certainly hasn't helped matters as you say being in lockdown and having been limited in what we can do and where we can go has not helped our mood and levels of anxiety experienced.

I have been thinking how nice it would be just to have a break or holiday somewhere but that again is not an option at the minute unfortunately but let's hope it wont be too long before we can do these things again, its something we all need after everything we've been through.

Davia regarding the diazepam  I just generally take it when I'm having a really bad day and before any appointments. Like you I'm claustrophobic and so I took it before my MRI to calm myself down.

I wouldn't advise it on a daily basis as you can easily get addicted to it.

I have heard some people say that Amytriptyline is good for mood and anxiety.

My gp also prescribed promethazine to take at night but it makes me feel rather groggy the following day.

I hope you've managed to enjoy the sun today and of course we have to take extra protection for life to shield the area where we had our radiotherapy as it will always be sensitive around there.

Big hugs and stay strong

Karyn xx

Thanks Sue,

I'm so glad you have your garden as a means of escape and it sounds lovely, at least as you say its somewhere quiet where you can try to relax!

As much as I want my surgeries out of the way Sue, I am also dreading them as its overwhelming the fact that I have to go through even more procedures as I have a terrible fear of anaesthetics and being put out, it really scares me.

I have limited help at home really as I'm mostly on my own with my 5 and 6 yr old daughters and son who's almost 14.

They see their dad at the weekends and we are on good terms for the kids sake and so if I need anything he is generally happy to help get me shopping  etc.

The stress of waiting for results is unbearable and I think it's the worst part of our journey, and it affects my blood pressure too!

I struggle with how my appearance has been affected and also being classed as a cancer patient!

Stay strong  Sue you've come so far.

Hope you are ok Mich, Claire and Linda.

Big hugs to all xxxx

Hi Karyn

Tha ks for lovely message, we will get there, like you say we have to be patient, never been my strong point, but I'm learning fast

I do go on you tube and listen to mindfulness videos, they relax me, I've even put music on to sleep by before now, it's like waves or wind, white noise, I have been taking codeine at night for the last few days as it helps my nerve pain in arm and also helps me sleep  

I love watching TV programs like Rick Stine in the US or world's best train journeys, just to escape in the screen oh I loved Prue scales and her husband on there narrow boat holidays, really escapism, I think we should all have one of those virtual glasses, we could sit out in garden but be on a beach somewhere in fact, why don't they use them in mri machines, be great

I knew diazapam was heavy drug, I'd heard of it years ago, so have been very reluctant to take it, but if I have a bad day I may try half a tablet see how I feel  

I diliberatly didn't do much at all today, I cooked Sunday roast and that was it, I feel much better for it, I now know if I get tired I'm terrible, I can't control my emotions as well, so I am listening to my body and converlessing was a lovely day in garden, but like you say, I sit in shade, no sunshine for me for a while, I've been cooked enough

Sending you relaxing vibes, and hope you get some good sleep. 

Night night

Hey ladies, 

Thank you, I'm doing OK. Had a nice chilled day in the garden and hubby and I had a bbq this afternoon, so really felt summery! 

My arm has come on leaps and bou ds Davia in the past couple of weeks. Was worried I wouldnt get it above my head then one day it kinda just worked. I still do my exercises once a day as I can feel it is weak and sometimes jumpy with the nerves when stretching but all good with the scan on Friday. I do get a pain in my chest every now and then when I stretch my arm, think it's all part of the healing. 

I'm back at the hospital tomorrow morning to practice my breathing and see what else they have to say then back in the 4th to start treatment. Hopefully no funnies tomorrow at oncology! 

I was going to reply that I'm not on any meds then realised I am on a mild anti depressant for migraines. I take it every day and have been for a few years now to reduce the occurrence and severity, still got a couple a month. But since been on chemo etc I've had hardly any which is great. Probably because I don't have my cycle , as hormones deff make them worse and I'm off work as in a mo relaxed state, so to speak. Initially the doc put me on amitriptyline and it didn't agree with me, it was like the lowest dose and I felt like a space cadet with the heart pulpitations. This one I'm on now is all fine, I don't feel any different. Hope the doc can help you out with something, they should with everything that cancer patients have to go through! 

My problem is keeping everything in until one day I have a melt down. It's my coping mechanism to be in control and keep it all in which isn't great either, as your body suffers and prob one of the reasons I'm a migraine sufferer.

I was going to do an EFT course before lock down, emotional freedom technique. They teach you coping mechanisms. We touched on a bit of it at work few years ago so hopefully it's some thing I'll be able to do.

It is a lot harder for us with the lock down and funny how we are still so hard on ourselves, mentally & physically. I know I'm inpatient and just what my fitness back, outta breath just doing bits in the garden. But like u said Davia & Karyn, healing takes time and we have to be kind to ourselves and listen to our bodies. 

I also listen to meditation on u tube it does help before I sleep. I don't have a problem sleeping though, I tend to zonk out as long as I don't watch anything weird on TV! 

Ah I just watched the world's scenic railways. I do like trains geek out moment and I grew up in SA so lovely to see the countryside again. 

Anyways I'm waffling and need to be up early. 

Sending big hugs ladies

Xx

Hi all, sorry, struggling to keep up at the moment as my 18 month old is haveinf a rough time teething.

Great that dates for rads are confirmed Mich and Sue. Someone asked me about my side effects of rads, basically nothing! I can't even see any skin reddening although I know that could still happen, I had my last treatment on Friday.

I cried in my oncologists office last week, get like an idiot but she said it's perfectly normal to feel that way at the end of treatment. My fear of recurrence has definitely got worse in the past couple of weeks. She's seeing me again in 4 weeks to do a physical exam and take baseline bloods.

Mumof3Anges hi, I don't think we've "met" before. I completely understand your anxiety around waiting for the results. My boss had bc 20 years ago and she said she still gets anxious (she's in the US and is still checked every year). That's tough being on your own with 3 children! My partner is still living in Hong Kong but I'm staying with my parents so have help.

Davia, a friend of mine teaches eft, she swears by it. When I first got diagnosed and was in a terrible state she taught me a technique to do and I do think it helped.

Love to all.

xx

Davia, I'm on meds for anxiety, Zoloft. I started them when my baby was born as my anxiety went through the roof (I'd never had it before). Then we increased the dose when I was diagnosed. Still a very low dose but I do think they help. I have no intention of coming off them any time soon x

Hi there Mumof3...it's not often that I post on here, but I notice that you and I seem in a similar position with our TNBC. I note you've not had the bilateral mastectomy yet? I had mine 4 weeks after chemo finished. Surgeon seemed to want to get it done quickly after chemo...surprised me as all my previous treatments seemed to take forever, lots of delays with everything...also, hello to all the other ladies, mich8, claire, suebea, lindylou and davia...I always read the posts so thought I may as well join in...wishing you all the best xx

 Carla x

Hi Mich 

Glad all is going well and you got your mapping done, it is a relief when your arm goes in those arm holders, I remember breathing a sigh of relief as I'd heard about a lady who was sent home and couldn't have mapping as her arm couldn't get in holder's! I didn't say before as didn't want to scare you, but we'll done on doing the excersize :happy:

I get tightness in my arm, and I still have tennis ball in my arm pit, I try and disperse it as much as possible, feels gross :( 

I am the same, I hold it all in, be brave and put on a happy face but the bottle gets full and out they come, but I end up sobbing as there is so much in the bottle, but I'm feeling OK now, I think the weather helps getting out in garden :laugh:

The world's cenic railway is lovely we have watched Micheal portillow on his journeys, its lovely to watch, everytime there on I say to my hubby, we should go there, he has a very long list of places to visit lol but our first holiday will be on a narrow boat, I'm looking forward to when that can happen :) 

Hope all goes well with the breathing, try relax and watch the big screen. 

Take care, love and virtual hugs xxxx

Hi Claire 

Nice to hear from you x my boob was so red I could swear it would glow in the dark lol my nipple doesn't look like mine, it's very brown, lol TMI, but above boob where I had neck done there was nothing, no redness at all, I even asked my radiographer if they had forgotten to zap it, no she assured me that it is was all zapped but different areas react differently, the Bob area the rays go in one side and out the other, but the clavical area goes straight through, interesting, mine is easing off now, I'm still slathering with E45 twice a day but it's gone to tanned rather than red lol 

Your not an idiot for crying in oncologist office, I did the exact same thing last time I saw mine, I had a bad day, and she was being so very nice, I just lost it lol before BC I NEVER cried in front of anyone, I would take myself to a private place, cry, come back all OK, but now, I have no control over the emotions, that's why I would like something to calm me a bit,  I even cry at sad movies now, I never did before, weired isn't it lol 

I will look into EFT, it sounds good, I watch mindfulness videos on you tube and listen to  meditation for relaxation, it helps for sure x

I don't know about you but I get very defensive when people are all very excited about the end of treatment, they say, woo hoo, get the champagne out, you must feel so relived it's all done and you can now move on, inside I'm like, NO I can't move on, and I don't want to celebrate, I feel, bruised , battered,look and feel different  and still can't get my head round what's happened and happening, I know it takes time and like Karyn says, we will always have the anxiety, I think this time is a time to heal our brains, so I don't feel treatment is over. I know there being kind, but they don't realise the enormaty of our journey.

We will get there, 

Enjoy the lovely weather, 

Love and hugs xxx