Hi ladies,

I live in Northwood in NW London, Middx.

It's fairly peaceful the part I'm in and I have a garden to escape in at least but feel I dont get to enjoy it as much as I'd like too.

I have been trying to tidy it alot to day cutting back trees and repotting plants etc. Its been a nice sunny day today and I hear we have more fine weather on the way.

Davia don't  worry about the backache I still get that myself post chemo and its probably because I'm not good at relaxing and need to listen to my body more like I keep telling you to rest where possible 

I had full clearance on my left arm as even though only 2 nodes were affected, I had 19 removed. I hate the tennis ball feel and tightness which seems to be permanently there and uncomfortable, and wonder whether it will ever subside!

I have the shooting pains often to but dont be alarmed  as it's just the nerves regenerating.

I am on diazepam for anxiety but I dont take it every day and keep it by for days when I feel very anxious, and it does help.I  also take it before any appointments.

I couldn't have gone through the breast MRI without it but it's been since the brca diagnosis that anxiety has been a major issue with me and as my oncologist keeps reminding me that I have a 60 - 80% lifetime risk of a further breast tumour even though I had a complete response and she says this knowing about my anxiety!

This is why I'm waiting for my preventative surgeries which they argued weren't necessary before and just insisted lumpectomy for both breasts would be sufficient.

I wouldn't take the diazepam too often as it can be addictive.

Hugs

Karyn  xx

Hi Karyn

I can imagion your anxiety over your appointment, it's really hard specially the waiting, it's never going to get easier I think we will always have that anxiety during after and waiting for test results, my Brother says it is Post Traumatic stress syndrome, I think he is right, we have all been through the milll and it seems continue to tread that mill, hopefully one day we can learn to live without it being the first thing on our brains in the mornings, i personally don't feel "normal" yet, or like me, yet, i really thought I'd feel better in myself by now, But Karyn your right in that I need to listen to my body, I do try and push through hoping I will get more energy by doing so but you don't, it just exhausts you and you feel really rubbish the next day, so I'm going to take your advice and try to just rest when I need to and I also need to tell myself I'm not going to be able to do the things I did before BC not yet anyways.

I think this Covid isn't helping us, if it wasn't for lockdown I think we could be out and about and our minds would be otherwise distracted for short times, we could even go on a holiday, I'd love to go on a narrow boat holiday, just poodle along a lovely canal, so I feel we are maybe struggling more, more so with appointments, my BC nurse said if it wasn't for Covid she could refer me to physio and like you Karyn, waiting for results and waiting for surgeries, it's all the waiting that is the hardest part. 

Oh I do have some diazapam, I was prescribed it for my MRI scan as I'm very claustrophobic, I will take one when I'm feeling my anxiety is taking over see how I feel, but I worry they may become addictive, but if I o ly take one now and again it should be OK

I hope you hear soom Karyn, I know how your feeling, its horrid, if I could take it away somehow I would.

Sending BIG hugs

Hi Mich

How did mapping go? Were you able to hold arms up long enough, and do you like your new tattoos lol I remember filling in one of those Facebook things and it said, do you have tattoo, I said yes 3, so many friends replied, oh were are they, I've never seen your tattoos did they advise you to start moisturising now, I started to moisturise few weeks before my rads I think it will help.

How are you feeling? Have you managed to get out at all?

Take care, not long now before rads start

Hi Claire 

How you doing, have you finished radio, how has it gone? Hope your OK xxx

Sue, have you decided what your going to do regarding the Cape?

It's such a hard decision and can't be helping with any anxiety you maybe having

Hope your well, sending hugs xxxx

Hi Davia,

I am leaning towards not having it. My Oncologist said he bought my case up in a meeting even though I wasn't due to be discussed and his collegues said they wouldn't give it because of the virus. He said he the decision had to be mine and whatever I dicided wouldn't be wrong.

The experts can't agree whether it will help, I think they are clutching at straws.

xxx

Hi Sue

Yes I was prescribed phenigan in the beginning, I take them at night time as they make you very drowsy, I think they help with sleeping but don't seem to touch the anxiety, I'm going to ask my Dr if I can have tablets specifically for anxiety see what he says, some days I feel I could explode and I wouldn't be surprised if men in white coats came to take me away lol sounds quite exciting that

Keep enjoying garden, we are luckier than some who don't have gardens

Love and hugs xxx

Hi Sue

Well reading your post on the % it would give you, if I remember it was around 5% that's very small for such a big risk and also not really knowing if it will work or how you would tolerate it I think I would make the same decision, I feel if they thought it would make a big difference they wouldn't ask they would just say, this is what we have proposed we do now, like when we were given chemo.

It must be so hard for you, to have that put in the mix and them say, it's your choice, I feel for you really, I wonder if they know how hard this journey is for us all and adding dynamite like they have with you with Cape just really doesn't help. 

Stay strong,

Thanks Davia,

I am really worried about a recurrance as we all are. I was hoping that the fear would subside but my stress levels are through the roof. I find it srange that no one else on this thread has been offered the oral chemo, strange and unsettling.

Enjoy your garden today, I will be delegating as my husband does the hard work. He has done a good job so far and the flowers look beautiful. 

Stay strong

Love Sue xxx