Oh my ...

Bless ya heart ... just had to reply to your thread ... I was married to a man for 27 years ... who had no feelings .. and I'd never given up hope of him seeing how amazing his son's were .. and the life we had was worth him fighting for .. 

He never changed ... he never thought of no one but his self ... the best thing I ever did in my life was to tell him to go ... I started to laugh again .. I could have the grand kids to stay.. now he wasn't there to moan continually ... l had 4 years on my own ... every day it got better and better. . You deserve to not have anyone make you feel sad at this time, when you need love and support ... life even with cancer and family is tough enough ...

If he's not kind to you now, he never will be ... you'll find lots of support on here ... if you can face cancer, then your stronger then you think ... get family or friends around you to get you through this ... don't be like me and wait 27 years ... sending you a big vertual hug. . Chrissie

Thank you for your kind words. This is the first time I’ve told anyone. I haven’t even told my close friends as I’ve spent so long thinking it would work. I believe that I can be strong and will start to take steps in the right direction. I know I deserve better and my mental health is so important to me. Your experience has given me the strength to believe in myself. 

Hi Carebear

i feel for you but you need to be strong & get rid of this selfish loser, what you need right now is lots of support not this horrible selfish person, yes it will be hard, but you will be better off without him. Do you have other family & friends you can talk to.

you could always talk to the Martians , if that might help

& of course now you have this chat room

i rally hope things get better for you

tc

xxx

Thank you. I am feeling stronger. I feel there is more hope without him there. At least then I will be able to make the most out of the best days instead of being brought down. It’s comforting to hear people say what I have been thinking for a long time. I don’t have any family I can really talk to, but I have a couple of good friends that live nearby and really nice work colleagues.

Ditch him.

Can't understand why you'd want to be with someone who makes you feel unhappy anyway, never mind when you've got cancer.

You cannot change him, he is who he is. So be without him.

And live.

Hi Carebear x

He sounds truly awful to be around....not what you need right now or even...ever. 

A separation may well be a challenge but...easier than you having to put up with this....?

I was with a man once....just like the one you describe. He was just horrible...as soon as he used to pick me up from work, he’d be in a foul mood, nasty, angry....also unsupportive and very selfish. I told him to leave when I realised I was wanting to stay at work longer...I dreaded going home. I was happy every day until I had to go home x 

I don’t think you are a good match....you need cuddles and support....a good man. He is incapable of giving this to you by the sounds of it. I get that men are different when it comes to handling stressors but.....A good man would step up and be protective of you at a time like this...not dismissive. If he’s having a tough time dealing with this....it doesn’t excuse him being a d**k. There’s just no need. 

How easy is it for you to ask him to go? I assume you live together....can you ask him to leave? He’s under the impression that this behaviour towards you is acceptable.....you go show him it’s not! 

You are deserving of much, much better xxxxx

So sorry to hear this.

My daughter had a similar relationship. She tried so hard to make it work but eventually she gave up and told him to leave. She was sad for a time but then met her present husband and realised that relationships should be easy, not a struggle.

Be kind to yourself and let him go.

Keep in touch - we are here for you xx

People like your partner seem to like to isolate you knowing that you have not got any other forms of support; I hope you are already putting a lot of distance between you and him.  You are worth so much more.  Nothing he has said or done is your fault though he probably made you think it was.  Many of us have found ourselves in a bad relationship at some point in our lives.  Even though you are now facing a health battle you will find it easier if you get away from such a negative person; I hope you will blossom.  You know you are welcome to post here as often as you like and we will be there for you.  Annie

Hi Carebear,

I feel truly saddened and sickened by your post and, would agree with all of the aforementioned advice. I can fully appreciate that you don't want a separation on top of all that you are going through, but it sounds as if you already know what you should do yourself.

I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer in the past 9 years. When I was first diagnosed, my emotions were all over the place and, I made life very difficult for my family. Fortunately, we are a very close and loving family and my hubby is a gem. I knew that I was pushing them away, but just couldn't help myself. I just want to make sure that you are not doing the same with your partner, before you go your separate ways.

One thing is for certain. If you are diagnosed with cancer after your biopsy, you need to be as strong and positive as you can be to get through this. They do say if you want to get by in this world to only surround yourself with other positive people, so maybe it's time to ditch the drift wood?

What is your position with accommodation? - Is it in joint names or just one? I can understand that it will be more difficult for you to break up if it belongs to him and you have to move house as well as everything else.

I am glad to hear that you have some good friends and work colleagues, although be prepared for some of them to disappear if you get a positive diagnosis. Many of us find that so-called friends often disappear at times like this, but real true friends will step up to the mark with you.

You don't need to be belittled and put down all the time. What you need is encouragement. It will be difficult to be on your own again after 4 years and could be lonely, but you would at least be at ease and at peace in your own home.

You do not say what age you are, or what type of cancer you are having investigated, but I sincerely hope that it all goes well next week. You will probably have a wait to get your results, so don't expect a firm diagnosis for 1 - 2 weeks.

Please let us know how you get on and remember, that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I love your reply! Spot on xxxx