My heart is broken my husband passed away 9 days ago and I am lost. He was my only friend, my best pal,
my only boyfriend, the love of my life. In total we were together for 50 years, he was 69 and I am 67 I try to tell myself how lucky we were to be together so long however it doesn't help it is so painfull.
He started with bowel cancer, had two operations, it moved on to his liver, he had another operation and eventually it spread to his lungs. He was in and out of hospital and I allowed him to stay at home ill for about two weeks before I called the doctor as he said he didn't want to go into hospital again. I called the palliative nurse and the district nurse as I didn't know what to do. He was also diabetic and when he went to hospital they couldn't get his blood to thicken. Eventually he had a minor seizure and the palliative doctor thought he would have a further seizure or a stroke which would put him in a worse position so I agreed to allow them to give the morphine driver to end his suffering. I was with him throughout his illness and for his final three days I sat with him and refused to go home. Our three grown up children were absolutely fantastic at the end and throughout his illness but now I'm full of guilt. Did I allow them to kill him could he have had more time with us at home. We all miss him so much and although I have my children and four grandchildren I think I'm in shock I am hurting I don't think I am grieving enough. I went to the supermarket yesterday and broke my heart because I couldn't get him the things he liked including his wine. I apologise for rambling on its late at night and this has helped me a wee bit
Hi Hope
When my Mum passed away six years ago it was terrible, people are just so thick they say stupid things so take nothing to heart you took fantastic care of both parents. Circumstances were against you. You did exactly the right thing. We wanted Alex at home but it was not meant to be. He passed away in hospital. That breaks my heart we wanted him at home. Been fifteen days now since he passed away it's like it's just hit me. Been taking anti depressants for about six months because I didn't think I could cope. It's now just hit me I'm not going to see him again. Can't believe it. I was always the strong one because he was at my back taking care of me. What will I do now, margaret
Hi Margaret,
I am sorry you have had another bad day and understand what you are feeling. It is a journey we must must make, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time for however long it takes.
Is it worth going back to the gp and having a chat with him/her and seeing if there is a different tablet you can try? I understand sometimes they take a wee bit time to kick in and it can take a few goes before you find the most suitable one for your requirements.
Is there a support group near you? I believe talking does help.
I hope you are looking after yourself Margaret and keeping your strength up
Sending you a big hug, you are not alone
Kathy xx
Hello again Margaret, I cannot begin to imagine how terrible it is to lose your partner but what I do know is that grief is the price we pay for love, and you loved Alex so much. I know its a cliche but try a take each day/hour at a time; when the pain is unbearable allow yourself time to cry, but try and remember that grief is such a rollercoaster and some days/hours we feel stronger than others. I wish there was something I could say to make your journey more bearable, but know that there are many people on here to support you. Thinking of you. Hope xx
Hello Kathy, Hope, Dave, Max
I hope you are all keeping well. Sorry I have not been in touch for a wee while however I hope you all have a good Christmas. I am finding it particularly bad just now. Alex's dad passed away and the funeral was last week. It was held at the same crematorium as Alex's. It was pretty heartbreaking. I'm still trying to come to terms with it all. Managed to throw away all of Alex's pills and potions, took them to our chemist for disposal, however can't bear to touch the rest of his clothes, we were told he was coming home and I still have his ironed clothes hanging ready on his wardrobe door, I have told my children that when I die they will probably have to get rid of both of our clothes. They think I'm joking. I read on one of the other sites that other widows feel even worse two years after the bereavement. How can that be I don't think I can feel any worse. There is also the financial aspect. I will receive an old age government pension, I don't know how pensioners can manage on this, however as both Alex and I worked most of our lives and arranged small pensions I am receiving one pound per week too much to receive any help. I can manage as we had some savings however I am insulted for Alex as he would be horrified to hear how little I am getting after him working and paying all of his life.
Kathy are you with your family now for Christmas? I hope you have a good time and your house sitter is keeping your house in order.
I am so sorry that I have ranted and raved I apologise for being such a moaner my daughter says I am becoming bitter. I try not to be. I am having all the family for Christmas dinner as this is what we always do. Trying to change things slightly, ie, a prize for the silliest Christmas jumper. Can you think of any other daft suggestions? We stick to completely traditional food for Christmas. We use our conservatory as a dining room so I've decided to bring in a garden table in addition and put our grandchildren at that. With two five year olds a three and a two year old I think they'll enjoy it and the adults will be able to eat, and drink, without worrying about the weans misbehaving. I'll just finish now as I'm really sorry for moaning but I fell a bit better now I hope you didn't get fed up half way through this message and delete. Take care Margaret
Hi Margaret, so sorry hear of Alex's dad passing. House sitter did a great job but due to ill health unable to cover for Christmas period but have a few plans in place to allow me a few days away. Pets are on the waterbed snuggled up together so cute. It is so hard to start the clear out of clothes etc, I can't do it yet. It's ok Margaret we will get to it when the time is right. Another girlfriend told me it took 10 years for her to do it. One day at a time honey, that's all we can do. Your Christmas plans sound well thought out and great. 26 forecast here so should be pleasant. I am planning on doing a big roast meal for my friends in January as a thank you for their support, the works with Yorkshire puddings etc. one cheeky pal asked did I still remember how to cook. Do struggle with the timing of everything but as long as I note when everything goes into oven can handle it. Took dog for walk today via a different route to post letters to find no postbox there anymore. Mmmm it was there last July. As a result had to get car back out and drive to a postbox. I can't walk too long due to flat feet and they were burning after dog walk. I keep finding notes around the place hubby wrote, his to do lists or shopping lists and can't bear to chuck them out yet. Just to see his handwriting takes me back to when we were unaware that there was anything wrong, when we lived in blissful ignorance planning our retirement years and what we would do with our spare time, our unrealised dreams and hopes. I have one of his caps on the kitchen table , I use it now, he would smile at my thriftiness saying as well as my own clothes now I have pinched his shirts to wear in the garden and his cap too!!! I wear his jumpers when cold, 13 degrees tonight. Just makes me feel closer to him and I believe if it works just do it, so it works for me. Well Margaret almost 2 am so will need to join pets and hit the hay. Tomorrow is another day and the sun will still rise.
Enjoy your Christmas and take care, hugs Kathy
Funerals always seem to come in bunches, don't they? We've had three family funerals in the past few months, two cancer related, after not having any for a few years. They all felt a little surreal, as they were at the crem in my home town of Lancaster where I eventually plan to have mine and where we said goodbye to my Mam.
I guess we all do things differently - my Grandma kept Grandad's shoes by the front door for years, though that was partly so's anyone selling door to door wouldn't realise that she was on her own. My Dad really jumped the gun, on the day of Mam's funeral he asked whether we wanted any of her things (vases, costume jewelry etc.) we all said no thanks. I went to see him a few days later and he'd taken literally everything to a charity shop and had started decorating in a very masculine colour scheme!
The pension and benefit rules can be very frustrating. If you are only just over the limit, keep an eye on things as the limits usually change upwards on 1st April.
We also have family Christmas planned. Both our sons will be home with us on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. They are both in their late twenties but our Christmases are very special as our youngest is severely autistic with associated learning disabilities and he still has a very childlike love of Christmas and all its little family rituals.
It sounds like you will have a full house on Christmas Day - I hope the children bring you some joy on the day and help you remember the good times with Alex.
Hello Dave and Kathy
Many thanks for your replies after my moaning last message. My two daughters and two of my sisters in law came to visit last night. I prepared a nice supper for them and got in some nice wine and celebrated the lives of Alex and his dad. It was a nice night however unfortunately I had too much of the wine and I am now suffering, as my mammy used to say, it's a small price to pay. Hope you both have a good Christmas with your families and enjoy the day. Kind regards. Margaret
Lovely to hear from you but am sorry that you are feeling so bad. It is perfectly understandable, this time of year is difficult for anybody who has lost a loved one. It's strange really as it is really just another day, but I think it evokes so many memories. This is my 2nd Christmas without Mum and Dad and it still affects me, so I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be without your Alex. I sympathise about sorting out clothes and possessions, that was something too found really hard. I had purposely left Dad's intending to do them in a couple of months, but by then Mum was dying so I ended up having to do them both together. Take your time with things and don't attempt until/if you are ready. I'm sad that there isn't more financial help out there for you, grief is hard enough without having to worry about other things. I'm glad you find this site helpful, your virtual buddies will always be here to listen. Take care. Hope x
Hello Hope
Just lost my message to you there I'm hoping I'm not repeating it or you'll think I've been drinking the Christmas wine too early. My Dad passed away over 30 years ago and to be very, very honest I have pictures up af him and my Mum but I don't think too much about Dad but my Mum passed away six years ago and I think about her a lot and still really miss her. When Alex was ill and when he passed away all I wanted to do was talk to my Mum but it has got a lot easier. We laugh at all the funny things she did, she was hard of hearing however when she was here or anywhere for a meal, drink etc she could always hear, would you like another wee drink. Christmas, New Year etc. she was always with us and it took quite a few of them before we got to the stage of remembering all of the good times especially with Alex, she always said he was her favourite son in law, she only had one. Hopefully it won't be too long until you remember and can laugh at all the funny and good things that happened with your parents. What are you doing at xmas. I hope you have other family and friends to share it with. I am not looking forward to it but I am just telling myself that it is just one day and it will be over soon. Take good care of yourself , Margaret
