My heart is broken my husband passed away 9 days ago and I am lost. He was my only friend, my best pal,
my only boyfriend, the love of my life. In total we were together for 50 years, he was 69 and I am 67 I try to tell myself how lucky we were to be together so long however it doesn't help it is so painfull.
He started with bowel cancer, had two operations, it moved on to his liver, he had another operation and eventually it spread to his lungs. He was in and out of hospital and I allowed him to stay at home ill for about two weeks before I called the doctor as he said he didn't want to go into hospital again. I called the palliative nurse and the district nurse as I didn't know what to do. He was also diabetic and when he went to hospital they couldn't get his blood to thicken. Eventually he had a minor seizure and the palliative doctor thought he would have a further seizure or a stroke which would put him in a worse position so I agreed to allow them to give the morphine driver to end his suffering. I was with him throughout his illness and for his final three days I sat with him and refused to go home. Our three grown up children were absolutely fantastic at the end and throughout his illness but now I'm full of guilt. Did I allow them to kill him could he have had more time with us at home. We all miss him so much and although I have my children and four grandchildren I think I'm in shock I am hurting I don't think I am grieving enough. I went to the supermarket yesterday and broke my heart because I couldn't get him the things he liked including his wine. I apologise for rambling on its late at night and this has helped me a wee bit
I am so sorry to hear about the trauma you've been through.
It is only natural to feel guilty and wonder whether anything we did or didn't do might have made a difference, even if just for a few days.
The syringe driver is only there to simplify the administration of morphine and to make it less painful for the patient to receive it. The rules since Shipman have been strongly enforced and when my Mum died the arguments were about whether she was receiving enough morphine, rather than too much. Without the morphine your husband would quite simply have suffered more pain than he needed to - so you did exactly the right thing. I hope that, when my time comes, my family and my carers do exactly the same for me.
Many thanks for your kind words Dave I think I will always feel guilty I just feel useless I was his carer and did everything for him now I can't do any more for him
Thank you for taking the time to help me
Kind regards
Margaret
That's what we're here for, we all help and support each other.
I'm pretty sure that almost everyone who has lost someone to cancer feels useless when the end comes but in time you will look back and realise that you did everything you could have done for him. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Hi Alexander, I am so sorry for your loss. I wanted to reply to say that you should not be feeling guilty; however guilt is a natural part of grief and one that I too struggled with. The fact is that the morphine didn't kill your husband, this terrible disease 'cancer' did - the morphine stopped the pain and if you had not allowed it I am sure you would now be feeling guilty that you hadn't. What I'm trying to say is that when somebody we love dies we question our every action and those irrational thoughts continue to torture us while we are feeling so much pain with grief.
I lost both my parents to cancer last year and found the enormity of loss overbearing. For ages I tortured myself with guilty feelings because I allowed my Mum to go into a hospice at the end. She received fantastic care there but I beat myself up because I felt guilty that I couldn't cope at home so soon after watching my Dad die at home. However as time moved on I have realised that every decision we make we make out of love, and we can only make those decisions based on the facts we have at the time. From your post it is obvious that you loved your husband very much and that you did everything in his best interest. I relate totally to the shopping trip as I have left Tesco many times in tears because I would always take my Mum shopping with me. It is such early days for you so be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel whatever you do but remember that these feelings are all part of the rollercoaster of grief. I hope the forum helps you. Thinking of you. Hope23 x
Hello hope
Thank you for being so kind in your reply to me. You and Dave have been so kind in respect of my feelings of guilt. My mother passed away six years ago and we allowed the syringe driver to be used for her and my heart is broken at the memory of it being used on Alex. I feel that
I failed him. We wanted to take him home or to the hospice as a last resort however he was too
Unwell to be moved from the hospital but at least he died in my arms.
I am so sorry for the loss of your parents in one year how awful that must have bee
I am sure you have heard it many times but it gets better you can laugh at all the funny things
And good times you had with your parents
It's too raw for my family and I at present too many things still to be done and I had a sudden panic God didn't answer my prayers to help Alex what if I don't meet him again in heaven
Please take care of yourself and we will try to stop these feelings of guilt
kind regards
Margaret
Alexander. ...... I am so terribly sorry to hear of your dear hubbies passing and can't imagine what you are going through. As the others have said please don't think the syringe driver caused his death - his illness did that. Both personally and in my past career, I have sat with many people at the end of their lives who had a SD - some people died hours after having it fitted and others weeks, so it is not used to assist people to pass quickly, just comfortably when their body can no longer cope. I do think that because many patients tend to go quickly into a calm sleep after SD insertion the doctors should explain this may happen to prevent the misinterpretation of its use and save loved ones from feeling they made decisions that they could later question themselves for. I am so glad that he died in your arms - it's what many of us with the late stages of this disease would hope for. You loved and did all you possibly could to make your husband feel happy and safe throughout your marriage and at the end of his life. He would be so proud and thankful to you. Take each day as it dawns and do whatever you need to do to get you through - including talking to your online buddies! Take care and a big hug to you x
Just wanted to say again that your feelings of guilt will eventually subside, however they are one of the parts of grief that keep reoccuring in our mind. Please allow yourself to go through your thoughts but tell yourself that they are distorted because of your intense grief. Far from failing Alex you did everything you possibly could to help him and the syringe driver was actually part of that help. I do understand though that despite people telling you this it doesn't stop the guilty feelings - you see our minds are complicated things, our thoughts make us focus on one thing and we perpetuate those guilty feelings. Please try and take comfort from the fact that he died in your arms and I hope your lovely grown up children will also be a source of comfort and that you can all support each other at this difficult time. Continue to use this site as in my experience it helps to write down your thoughts and get them out. Nobody on here judges you and there are many that will listen and support. Take care and do let me know how you are. Thinking of you. Hope x
Hope I am just weeping at the moment breaking my heart can't see for the tears I am
babysitting my two year old grandson so got to stay strong but my heart is breaking been eleven days now can't stand the pain. I'm so sorry so nice to talk to someone supportive
Kind regards
Margaret
Oh Margaret, I can feel you are in so much pain, I am sending you a virtual hug. You don't have to be strong you know, it is OK not to be - you have every right. Our culture somehow makes us believe we should put on a brave face when our hearts are breaking. One of the worst things somebody said to me at my Mum's funeral was "Be strong", I wanted to shout, "Why should I, I've just lost my Mum who I loved with all my heart", but of course I didn't shout, I put on that brave face again. Give yourself permission to feel however you feel. .I know my experience is different but I remember the terrible pain and I thought it would never end, but it did become less. It is such early days for you; I am glad you have your lovely grandson to keep you company, little ones and their innocence somehow seem to lift our spirits a little. Keep writing down your feelings, it helps. Take care. Hope x
