This seems to be the last post from cougar69, does anyone have more recent news of her or have I missed something?Rodis.

Good afternoon Lorraine,

'Porridge with sliced bananas and slivered almonds washed down with coffee, sun shining in at you watching the birds,' I could almost feel the lovely ambience in your room but it made me weep because I can tell how much you love and adore him and how scary it must be now that the treatment is finished. Cancer sucks.

We went to a meeting and saw the tumor- its much bigger than we imagined and could have been growing for up to two years. Phil now has an appointment next Tuesday with an Oncologist and will be prescribed Radiotherapy in conjunction with chemotherapy to be given each working day for five weeks. The car parking is free for radiotherapy patients (phew). Then a six week period during which he will be scanned often. After that there will be surgery to remove it.

We have told Tom and Sophie, they were distressed of course but were able to take it all in because we were able to give them such hopeful news. Billy our middle child is coming home from Blackpool this evening on his way to a short break in Amsterdam, we shall give him the news on his return.

On a lighter note, when the doctor switched on his computer there was a message on his screen saying; 'There is a black stool missing from the x ray department, I read it and clapped a hand over my mouth to stop a nervous titter! The doctor said it had made him smile too.

Thinking of you, Sue xxx

Hello akyronad,

I just wanted to welcome you to Cancer Chat; others will be along shortly I am sure to talk to you. I am sorry to hear you have had a recurrence and nodes in the lungs. If you want some specialist advice, don't hesitate to post your question in our 'Ask the Nurses' section or to ring our nurses on 0808 800 40 40 Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm. 

Best wishes and I hope you meet others here in a similar situation,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hahahaha Sue - you gotta watch those stools - black or brown - they're liable to pop up anywhere

Lorraine

A very quick hello and goodbye Sue - on our way out the door to fly 2hrs to NZ's alpine region, Queenstown, to celebrate Ian's 61st birthday.  Just wanted to say hello first.  Let me know how things are going.  I'll be back in "Dull Routine Land" again next Monday - it will be a come down after five nights in a Hilton with 2hrs chopper flight and 2hr fjord cruise as the Birthday Boy's treat - and the old biddy gets to go to hahaha.

LK

Dear Lorraine, thanks for the alert to your 'Birthday Boy Treat' ! I really hope it's a brilliant few days.

We went to see the Oncologist yesterday. As we entered the docs consulting room we were introduced to a young female student nurse who would be sitting in . The poor soul had evidently been crying, she sat with us as the doc read Phils notes, before he began taliking to us he swivelled in his chair to face the girl and with a nice smile he said to her "At last.....Someone with an optomistic outlook". He swivelled back to face us and told us they'd had rather a bleak morning. It would have been fine if he'd stopped right there, those words were a great comfort just like the surgeons words "I'm going to cure you." However he continued on (and on and on) about the possible effects of the treatment Phil is going to start in 2 weeks time.

It was like he was reading from one of those leaflettes that they give you inside your packet of medication, the ones I dont read because if I did I wouldn't take the wretched things! For instance Phil might lose his erection capability forever, and he might have a heart attack, he may be left incontinent of poo and wee. When the doctor finally ended with his list I asked if any of his patients declined to have the treatment, "Oh yes" he replied. I told them I would be one of them. I asked "Cant he just have the surgery?"

"The tumour is inoperable at its present size" came his reply. We left his room under a cloud, I blubbed as I held his hand tight, Phil was the strong one, we sway to and fro between strong and tearful, the one being able to slap the other back into being in the moment rather than imagining a nightmare future.

This morning he sat on the edge of the bed shaking his head saying "It's ***, it's all just a bollock". Phil has never been one to curse in front of me but I dont show him the same respect, my words would have been unprintable. I said "Listen here, you are getting carried away with thoughts of a future too far ahead to know how we'll get on. The sun is shining, you dont feel ill or in pain so just be in today". "Yes you are right" he replied and so we each got on with the day. He worries so much about not being able to work. I'm going to research what help if any he will be entitled to. I shall write to the Inland Revenue and to our mortgage company.

We told our son Billy on Monday night, he cried and lost his voice for a while, I gave him the optomistic prognosis and told him dont worry just feel sad and take your lead from your parents. I know they will be fine.

I look forward to hearing all about your trip.

Kindest regards, Sue xxx

Hi Sue

We are back!  The lawns need mowing, the holiday laundry needs washing, but wow!! what an escape from reality that was.  Avastin looms tomorrow but for now we are looking at our photos on the computer screen and pinching ourselves that was us!!!  The company I had reserved us with couldn't take us on the gorgeous sunny day we wanted so we swapped to another company.  We ended up chartering a Eurocopter (with partly glazed roof) - just us and the pilot - and we flew over the mountains and along a fiord to a west coast beach where we landed "where few had gone before."  Then we flew up to a glacier and again landed and stomped "virgin" footprints in the snow.  Then Brad flew us to a picnic spot 1000m above Lake Wakatipu and we had a gorgeous picnic and drank local sparkling wine - Ian's first drink since chemo began 30th August - he said it tasted divine.  We lived every moment from 10am to 2.15pm that day very much "in the now." 

My heart aches for you two.  Almost every part of cancer is cr...p.  Ian was the same as Phil about not being able to work.  Thank goodness we'd been paying for income insurance for 14 years.  But it was more the mental anguish of not working that got Ian than the financial side (scary as it was) - being a diesel mechanic, to Ian, was who he was - doing nothing, getting tired just thinking about doing something, sitting around, falling asleep half way through sentences scared the life out of Ian.  Good on you to research for help, ask, ask and ask some more.  I couldn't believe how helpful our bank manager was when Ian's cancer came back.  At a time when banks are supposedly hard on people, we've got indefinite interest-only repayments on a huge mortgage.  I guess it helps that the bank manager lost his father-in-law to cancer so he's got some empathy....

As far as the side-effects, Ian had the lectures too, six years ago and again eleven months and again four months ago.  Weirdly it was the minor things that only happened with Ian - a "shock" through his jaw if he opened too wide on the first mouthful of a meal; forgetting how to breathe on a cold night straight after Oxalyplatin and me giving Ian the Heimlich manoeuvre (though the hospital said he would have remembered to breathe when he collapsed to the ground ); sore, stinging eyes on occasions with the latest chemo regime; a hoarse/faint voice for 15 out of 21 days; and "loose-ish" bowels occasionally.  And yet some of the side-effects listed were quite dire.  I am sure they are covering their bu....tts on behalf of the drug companies.

Try to keep "in the now" every chance you get.  While we were away, especially at night when the lights were off and Ian was sound asleep beside me, I was letting the "very soon now" creep into my head and I had four really bad nights sleep.  I can keep the future at bay in the daylight but it's like a vampire - it comes out at night and bites me hard...

Keep going you two - fight this horrible disease together - fight for a remission - fight for happiness, holidays and even boring old dull routine - it's got a lot going for it afterall.

Lorraine

Hello,

It sounds as though apart from the restless nights Ian's birthday treat was a most wonderful experience.

Yesterday I drove Philip for his appointment in Coventry hospital. He had a PET scan and had to drink some clear fluid that tasted of aniseed. The scan took from 09.45 until 11.30 then we had to walk round to the radiotherapy dept. The nurses had no knowledge about what is given for a PET scan; luckily because Philip mentioned the aniseed flavoured drink they realised they needed to consult with the nuclear medicine dept so that they didn¿t give him an overdose. One woman asked him what the PET scanner looked like! He was surprised how little knowledge is shared between departments and he felt alarmed and his confidence in the `system¿ was knocked yet again.

He had another litre of fluid to drink then a shorter scan to enable the staff to tattoo points on his skin in three places; this is so they can direct the radiation onto the tumour. When it was finished they gave Phil his appointment ¿.a wait of almost three weeks until his first treatment. I became angry and questioned why so long, the male staff mumbled about the planning stage taking a while but then seemed to relent and added truthfully that there were no earlier appointments. Philip feels very dismayed, he feels disappointed and powerless.

On the bright side, he will be able to enjoy a weekends golf and a family wedding before he statrs the dreaded treatment. Down side is he has started to feel a dragging sensation in his pelvic region which he hasn't had before so he's understandably worried. Cor blimey you said it would be rough in places!

Kind regards, Sue x