Hello Rossco1955

I'm sorry to hear about your partner's diagnosis and all that you are both going through at the moment. Undoubtedly it's a difficult time for you both and natural that you will be experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions. 

I'm going to tag in a member called ProfBaw . He supported his wife through breast cancer a little while ago and has spoken about some of the challenges that they faced. Hopefully he will pop along to say Hello and share some of his experiences with you. 

It sounds from your post as if you care for your partner very much and so it's understandable that you want to do as much for her as you can. It's good to hear that there is lots of support available from family and friends but as you've said, it's also understandable that your partner feels alone in having to take this journey. I think that the inadequacy that you've described feeling is one that is common amongst those supporting a loved one through their diagnosis. I would say that communication is key for both of you. And remembering that there may be times when things are said in anger or frustration but that those words are not necessarily aimed directly at you but are a result of the situation you both find yourselves in. 

Hopefully over the coming weeks and months, as she goes through her treatment, you will be able to support each other through this with the help of those around you. If it would help to talk with our nurses for some advice and support at any point you're welcome to call them on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. 

The Cancer Chat community is here for you both if it helps to have a safe space to put down in writing your questions, concerns and feelings. We're here to listen and will do what we can to help and support. 

Sending you both my best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Ahhh, the anger and frustrations. I've been there and completely and utterly get where you are coming from. When faced with this, it's very difficult to see any light and the end of that very dark tunnel. I struggled, and struggled badly with not only the diagnosis my wife had received, but also from her mood swings. I learned the reasons were multifaceted, and not down to one thing. The drugs she is on can cause horrendous mood swings as can the shock of being faced by your own mortality. A cancer diagnosis can change anyone. Never take it personally because even though, it's difficult not to at time, it really isn't down to anything you have done or said. My wife was an absolute nightmare the 3 days after each chemo because the steroids made it so. During those 3 days, i went for walks. If you are struggling, you need to remove yourself from that situation because it's all too easy to say something very regrettable in the heat of the moment. Yeah, walking was my outlet.

As for feeling inadequate supporting her. Too many people overthink this part, i did too. You can't control anything, you can't make her illness go away, so don't try to be superman. You often see "how can I help my wife/husband/friend" posts the internet over, and seriously, the best help you can give your wife is to simply listen to her and she will tell you if she needs anything. I was so overbearing in my need to help my wife in the beginning that all i achieved was annoying her, and truth be told, i began to annoy myself. Accept you can do nothing unless she asks, and you'll shift a weight from your shoulders. The more you're in her face, the more she will retreat and less likely she will ask you for help. JUST LISTEN TO HER. It's the best advice i was ever given. Don't be the overbearing husband. You won't win that battle and it's wasted energy.

I think you need to talk to someone too. You sound almost defeated and barely keeping your head above the water. If you have a Maggies, they have drop in centres that both patients and carers can use. There you will meet people that have been in your position. But before you can look after your wife, you need to look after yourself. You matter too.

Hello  Rossco1955,

                                  Cancer only visits the one person but spreads to those around them. In many ways it is easier for the sufferer to cope than those who carry the burden of looking on. ProfBaw is spot on when he asserts that you need treatment as well as your wife, mental and relaxation therapy to help you through your torrid journey and l can attest that a MAGGIES centre is an excellent place to start. The only certainty is that you are in for the long haul and of little help if you fall into the trap of isolation and letting your own wellbeing suffer,

Best wishes,

                      David