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Hi im new to all this - husband has stage 3 tonsil cancer (base of tongue). Struggling with how he is

Doo2190
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Hi

Im new to all this. 

My hubby is in recovery 8 wks post treatment  having Tpf chemo  and 30 radiotherapy treatments for stage 3 tonsil cancer base of tongye and in lymph nodes.

Im struggling with how he is.   Hes very angry, nasty , loses temper does not want to be around no more.   Everything i do is wrong.  I look after him 24/7. Do all his nasal feeds, all meds anything i can to make sure he gets thrpugh this.   But i feel pushed away, he blames me for him having treatment.

Anyone else feels like this x

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    Hello Doo2190, 

    A big welcome to Cancer Chat! I am so sorry to hear about your husband - it sounds like he went through rather gruelling treatment and the discomfort perhaps of the nasal feeds for example may be having an effect on his mood. Rest assured you are not doing anything wrong and you seem to be looking after him incredibly well but he seems to be a little bit down and it might be worth getting in touch with his GP and mentioning how he has been with you recently and how affected he has been by treatment. There is a member of our forum I would like to put you in touch with,  - she also went through tonsil cancer treatment and will understand very well how things may currently feel for you and your husband. She has a fantastic tonsil cancer blog too. 

    You mentioned you looked after him 24/7 and you seem to be doing amazingly as a carer but it's important also not to forget to look after yourself which can be easily done when you are focusing all your energy on looking after your husband. There is useful information on our website for Family, Friends and Caregivers including on taking care of yourself - it will give you some good tips to make sure you take some time to look after yourself physically and emotionally and find ways to recharge your batteries. 

    Caring for someone is extremely physically and emotionally tiring and there are great resources to support carers during this difficult time - have a look for example at the CarersUK website who offer great help and advice for carers in the UK. 

    I hope that you will hear from other members of our community who have been in a similar position before and have looked after a loved one with cancer and that they will be along shortly to share their experiences and personal stories with you. 

    We're thinking of you during this difficult time.

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi,

    My husband has stomach cancer and also used a nasal feeding tube for a few months (thankfully chemo has helped enough so that he no longer needs it for now). He hated using the feeding tube, hated not being able to eat, and felt such a loss of control. He was quite depressed and would have some pretty angry moments which were difficult for me to see so I can understand a little of that aspect. I found having counselling for myself was so important to give me an outlet to talk about the issues I was having and feel supported in that way and get some advice on how to help myself and him. 

    Loss of control in his life was a major issue for my husband so I wonder if there's anything that could make your husband feel more in control of his life, would he be up for doing his own feeds/meds etc sometimes? I hope he starts to feel better soon and starts giving you an easier time, it must be so hard for you to be taking the brunt of his anger. 

    Look after yourself ,

    Laura x

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