Hi 

 l share your thoughts that it seems that with older patients that it’s simply a matter of writing them off. My mother has been diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer and before the consultant even had the histology he announced at her bedside in the ward that she would only be able to have palliative care. My active , independent mother remarked quietly that they were sending her home to die. Since than we’ve had a fretful journey trying to find ways to support my mother and keep her alive as long as possible.

Older people are people, they deserve dignity, respect and kindness. My mother worked for over 40 years in the NHS as a theatre nurse. It’s shameful that she should feel that she is elderly there is no hope.

The NHS is fragmented , broken and uncaring.

The staff are overwhelmed, overworked, cynical and sometimes accepting that the system isn’t working.

it shouldn’t be like this. 
we all deserve a chance to thrive and age should not be a defining factor. 

Thank you for your kind reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your own experience with your wonderful mum. My mum has worked hard her whole life too for the civil service, and continued to be active and valued and loved. Every time we manage to get a consultation they mention her age. Take care. We're still fighting for her, and she's fighting too for equal respect and treatment, but we're angry that we have to at this difficult time. Take care. Kind regards to your mum, and your family.

Hi Motherwell 

Welcome to the forum. You must be very worried about your mum and the need to be seen as a priority is uppermost in your mind, which is perfectly normal.

Unfortunately the NHS is running on empty and this is having an impact on all areas. I had to wait 4 months for breast cancer surgery, and another 5 months before I started radiotherapy. 

So I think your mum's surgery was quick, it also takes time to get the pathogy back from the lab, so waiting a month is not too long either, especially when a multidisciplinary team meeting will be required before meeting with your mum. 

I would try and change the narrative for your mum as she needs to believe that the cancer specialists have her back, it won't help her to think they have written her off, I personally don't believe they have. 

Everything will come into focus in the next meeting as a treatment plan will be discussed,with decisions having to be made. 

Best wishes x

Thank you so much for your trouble in responding to this. You're right, I will try to challenge her belief, as she's been very depressed, and it's obviously not helping to see them all as the enemy. Thanks for your advice. I hope you're o.k.,  you're obviously going through it yourself, take care. Best wishes to you, and thanks again for your response.

Hi, I'm doing fine, unfortunately mental health services are not there for many with cancer. My advice is to search for support for both you and your mother. Thankfully the charity sector has lots of help available and would be a good idea if you could get in touch with them ASAP.

I sought help from Maggies (advice) the Haven (counselling) and Macmillan (alternative therapy - reflexology, massages etc). I'm in Scotland so don't know what is available in other parts of the country. I know Breast Cancer Now has a "someone like me" scheme, I haven't used it but looks good. There are also charities that supply "gifts" 

https://somethingtolookforwardto.org.uk/

https://www.treatmentbag.co.uk/

https://www.littlelifts.org.uk/get-a-box/

These may help with mum's low mood. 

You should, if you haven't already, make sure your mum is getting all the benefits she's entitled to, are you caring for your mum? If so make sure you're getting relevant benefits and support from carer's association and local authority e.g. Wet room, home adaptions etc. 

We are always here to help you, don't be a stranger xx

My father has stage 4 prostate cancer, he is 74. We get no support whatsoever either from his Dr or Marie Curie, it is like he is just being left at home to die. He has a chemotherapy injection every 3 months which is suppose to be monitored but it's not and the side effects are pretty bad. He's suffering mental health issues, crying all the time, hot sweats, anxiety. His Dr prescribed Diazapam for a month but then said he couldn't have them anymore because they are addictive...he's dying and in pain for god sake ! He now has insomnia which just exasperates his other issues. I literally had to beg for palliative care. He developed lymphodema in his legs which were literally just bandaged up by nurses once a week. He has no help from social service apart from the offer of a weekly visit for a bloody fee !. It's just absolutely soul destroying how people are just being left to die in their own homes.  McMillan/Marie Curie have been no help whatsoever. I have to ring them pleading for help just to be passed around different people and departments. I'm at my whitts end and don't know what else to do. It his heart wrenching to see him in so much discomfort just waiting to die. I see adverts all the time for McMillan and how caring they are...we are here for you !...we see non of that. I'm assuming his last week of life may trigger some response from them but until then I am being paid £75 per week to be his Dr, nurse, Councillor, cook, cleaner, shopper and all other manner of things. He's my dad and I just do it but if I calculated how much it would cost the NHS to do what I do it would be a hell of alot more than £75 pw. I can't work and have no life because I'm mentally drained. 

Thank you so much

T Taylor I am so sorry. My grandfather passed from prostrate cancer,  years ago now,  and I know that my mum's experience of caring for him was similarly distressing to yours. It is awful, and interesting that other elderly people feel that they're being treated as less because of their age. I'm so sorry for both you and your dad. Much love to you both, I'm in the same boat and completely at sea so I'm not much use for advice!..but I hope someone's genuinely able to advise and/or help you both.take care, best wishes and prayers for your poor dad.much love, I'm so sorry 

Hi Motherwell. Thank you for your kind words. I realise there are so many other people in my situation and it's just a horrible. My dad has started to give me his treasured things which makes it even worse for me, it is like a wound that can't heal. Every day I am back to caring for him, crying and going home exhausted because there is no support. He wasn't the best father to me growing up but I am all he has now. My Mum and Grandma passed years ago so that leaves just me and him. I sometimes wish he would just pass away in his sleep so he is not suffering anymore which also makes me feel guilty thinking that about my own father. It's just a vicious circle of upset and hurt.