UPDATE... My wonderful husband passed away peacefully last night. I was holding his hand and telling him how much we love him. Heartbroken is not the word. Still feeling shocked and shaken. There are no words  

I don't often write on here, and don't really know what I'm looking for, but just feeling a little lost. 
 

My husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer 11th august 2020. We knew then it would be terminal, but he had chemo and was doing so so well, still working and was being so strong. Chemo finished in January and they didn't scan him then which was a bit annoying, but just went with it. About 8 weeks ago he deteriorated and couldn't eat, and when he did try and eat couldn't keep anything down. He lost loads of weight, got weaker and weaker and just deteriorated so fast. He was admitted to hospital for a blood transfusion as his iron count was suuuuper low. This helped, and they scanned him again then (8 months post chemo) he was only home a few days but was then readmitted as he couldn't even keep water down. Here they told us that the cancer has spread extensively throughout his abdomen, stomach, liver, pancreas, adrenals, lymph nodes etc. Everywhere basically. They fitted another stent so he can drink without being sick. He's now home, fast tracked with a hospital bed downstairs and they've given him less than 6 weeks. 
 

I am a nurse... I can see what's coming. Part of me wants it to come... I know that sounds awful, but I hate to see him suffering. My heart broke when I had to tell our kids that daddy isn't going to get better. (They're 15 and 10) they are obviously devastated, but coping so so well considering. But like my 10 year old said... "daddy isn't really like daddy any more, I love this one too, but I miss the old strong daddy" our pete as we knew him is already gone, and I miss him so so much. He'd hate how he is now, he'd be mortified, but is thankfully (for his sake!) Very drugged up and pretty unaware at the moment. 
 

Having a lot of support from district nurses and palliative care team. He's on a driver for pain relief, and a catheter as he kept going into retention. I have wonderful friends and a supportive family, but I still feel so alone. I'm overwhelmed with it all, it's so hard to juggle helping him with everything, and protecting the kids from it, and allowing people in to visit when Pete isn't really up to it and would rather be just with me. I can't leave the house as he's still walking round and going to the toilet (he still feels like he needs to wee, despite catheter) he can't stand up by himself and needs me to wash, shave and dress him. I'm so happy to be able to do all this for him, but hate that my boys have to see dad like this. 
 

Sorry for going on. And I still don't know why I'm posting this, I guess there just might be someone here who really knows how it feels. Like I say, I have wonderful friends and family... but they keep just saying "I don't know how you cope... I couldn't do it... etc" well... I don't know either! Lol. I'm just doing it! 

Can someone just reassure me that what I'm feeling is normal? 

Thank you if you've managed to read this far! X