Hi, I'm 42 and newly diagnosed with Breast cancer. 
My mam passed away at home 3years ago due to lung cancer and dad passed away 8weeks ago with Prostate&kidney cancer. Plus uncle died of cancer last week. 

You are doing anything and everything right.

I nursed my Mam and Dad at home palliative care. Mam had 7 weeks following her diagnosis.

It's awful watching deterioration. Holding hands tel then you love them.  
I haven't got any kids but my sisters have. They 15, 12, 6 and 4. The little ones didn't understand. The bigger kids did live spending time with grandparents but didn't want to visit in Mam or Dads final days and became upset.

I felt guilty that I felt relieved when both my Mam and Dad passed away-knowing they were not in pain and suffering anymore. 
Chat about things. Take photos, share memories. And remember to tell each other that you love them.

it's ok to cry you don't always have to stay strong all the time, you are human too. 
Thinking of you x

Efffie x

Hi what you are feeling is very normal.   I'm on palative care have been for a while.   My darling wife has Parkinson's and Altzimers plus other brain problems.im her carer, plus we have other carers to help

She is fairly mobile with a walker or handrails I've fitted around the house,. but completely incontinent, she tends to talk about anything and everything even though alot of it is completely wrong or doesn't make sense. 

So I've an idea what your going through.

Take care keep positive and safe.

Billy

Thank you Effie, 

Im so sorry to read all that, you've had such a hard few years cancer really does suck!! 
I hope you have good support for your own fight. 
 

it's so hard to know if you're doing the right thing, but I know that I love him and want the best for him... so can't be doing too bad. It's just all too much sometimes. 
 

Thank you for your kind words. Xxx 

Thank you Billy. 
 

You sound like a superstar. Your wife is very lucky to have you. I work as a nurse in a nursing home for dementia patients, and can't imagine how hard it must be for you caring for your wife at home. It's a cruel disease. I always feel it's worse for the family as you know what's missing, whereas the person with dementia is unaware of how they used to be. It feels a bit like that with Pete now, although he has no brain mets... he's on a lot of strong pain meds which leave him dazed and confused a lot of the time. I keep wanting to tell the nurses that this isn't my Pete!! I want them to see the strong independent man he was just a few short months ago, not the shell that cancer has left behind. 
 

I hope you are having a lot of support. 
Thank you for your kindness xx 

Hi Fizzjaney, 

I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I truly am. My dad is also battling oesophageal cancer stage 4. We found out on the 12th January 2021 when he went in for a routine endoscopy procedure. 

Life has been a rollercoaster since for me and my family. My dad was a beautiful, out going, lively individually. Always singing to himself, always the last person on the dance floor that me and my siblings had to drag off and a bit of a whisky drinker, life and soul of our family really. 
 

Just like you my family and I knew that this was going to be the one of the toughest fights of his and our life. Part of me has now become scared in regards to don't know what else life is going to throw at us. I'm 41. I never imagined going through anything like this. I am totally heartbroken. Pure devastation, I can't imagine a life without my dad in it. He will leave a massive gaping whole in our lives forever in a day. 
 

After finding out on the 12th January, things progressed quite quickly. Dad had to have a stent fitted in February. Started his chemo but it didn't work. 9 weeks later the scan showed his secondary tumour in his neck lymph nodes had doubled in size. This left us all heartbroken but my family and I continued looking for alternative medicine privately speaking to 5 different consultants all over the UK. We are not ready to give on our dad and our dad is a fighter too. We started him on immunotherapy which he was having every two weeks. After about 7 cycles of this scans showed to mine and my families relief that the cancer for now was stable and had not grown any further. 
 

Up until then my dad was managing to eat although ever since they put the stent in my dad was in constant pain. But since the last few weeks my dad has not been able to eat. He's deteriorating. He's lost a lot of weight. His stent has slipped and it's causing blockages preventing from eating.
 

It's just all so devestating. My dad is just a shell. Watching him go through something like this makes me think life is so cruel and questions what's the point to life. Of late I've not been sleeping, I never used to remember my dreams and now I'm having vivid nightmares which wake me up 1/2 in the morning. I know it's all stress related. I can't bear the thought of losing my dad as can't my family. I know it's going to happen. 
 

I had never heard of oesophageal cancer before this. I have a lot of 'what ifs' but I know there's nothing we could have changed. I love my dad so much and it hurts so badly. The pain of losing him is unbearable. To see my family go through this breaks my heart especially my mum and brother. My dad was my brothers best friend, partner in crime, they work and live together and make all joint business decisions. I worry how my brother will cope. My poor mum is loosing her husband, the man she married 40 odd years ago. Like I said it's all so devestating. 

I just wanted to share and wanted you to know that you are not alone battling this horrible disease with your husband. I feel for your young children and my heart goes out to you. 
 

take care xxx 

My heart breaks for you Jones031. 
 

I'm so sorry your dads cancer has progressed so quickly. Unfortunately Petes tumour was not reactive to immunotherapy so that wasn't even an option for us, I know sometimes it can have a good success rate, such a shame this wasn't the case for your dad. 
 

it's just all so scary isn't it. I'm only 37 myself (we have a big age gap- pete was 59 last week) his daughter is 23 and simply devastated, she's Petes only girl and a complete daddy's girl. It breaks my heart that her dad won't be able to walk her down the isle, or meet her future children. I'm overwhelmed with all the future things we are going to miss out on as a family. 
 

I try and stay positive, and remember all the wonderful times we have had together. We have been together 19 years and have had a blessed marriage, we've been through so much together... especially as my family weren't so happy at the beginning due to the age difference. However it didn't take long for everyone to see that we were just meant to be together. We have never fallen out or argued, just w home full of love and laughter... until cancer took that away from us. 
 

unfortunately Pete has deteriorated rapidly since coming home from the hospital. He's no longer really with it at all. He's in bed, and on high doses of pain relief. He still tries to get up tho, and gets very agitated when he can't manage. I feel we are in his last 24 hours or so, it's just so surreal. I look back on pictures from 18 months ago, at my beautiful, strong, happy and wonderful husband, and could weep when I see the shell of the man he is now. Like you... I had never come across oesophageal cancer before this. Although I now feel it's more common than I realised. 
 

I feel so much for you and your family. I can honestly say I know how you feel. And in a perverse way it's a comfort to know you're not alone. It's so hard to explain to others just how terrible it feels to watch someone you love go through this. Everyone tries to be kind, they all say "o can't imagine how this feels for you, I don't know how you cope, I couldn't cope with that... etc" all things I may have said in the past, and all said with love. But sometimes I just feel like screaming "NO, YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!! and I actually don't have a choice but to cope!! Everyone just does cope!" 
 

is your dad at home? Do you have a good support for looking after him? Always here if you have any questions, or need a rant. 
 

sending hugs and lots of love. Fizz x 

Hi Fizz, 

my heart goes out to you too. I can't believe the family as you know it is coming to an end. You are just so young and having to cope with all this with 2 young kids. 

Yes my dad is at home with my mum and brother and me and my 2 sisters go and help wherever we can. We are all very close and I know we are all going through the same pain but your own pain is your own pain. Only you can go through it. Not sure how I will cope with the loss of my dad. He really is the pillar of our family. But my work have been really good and whenever I want they just let me have the day off to go and spend time with my dad.
 

37, you are so young to be going through this and your young poor young kids. The truth is nobody deserves to go through this. 
 

You do well to stay positive. I feel like since January I'm on this huge rollercoaster. We go through stages where things go wrong and you fix it and things settle for a bit. Ultimately I/we know what's coming but we refuse to believe it. I'm the eldest, my brother is the youngest and I have 2 sisters in between. Both the younger 2 are more optimistic but I my glass is always half empty and I always look to the negative. 
 

People say to me you are lucky you had your dad with you for 41 years and what .... that's meant to make feel better and make my pain go away?! I'm in agony. My poor dad. I can't sleep and I know I'm going to have to learn to live with the pain of losing my dad, not being able to ever speak to him again, never to hear his reassuring voice, or him singing, laughing at his own jokes. I make videos and take photos where I can but I'm not sure I could ever watch the videos. Just the thought breaks my heart. 
 

I feel for you and much as I feel for Petes daughter. 

I feel sad that my dad isn't going to be here and how much he will miss out on. All future celebrations will always be tinged with a sadness that he's not here with us celebrating. 
 

I know life goes on and you have to live but I do feel life will become harder for my mum. 
 

my dads nutrition is really impacted at the minute and he's losing weight drastically. He has one more procedure next week and we'll see where we go from there. It's all so hard for him to go through all of this but equally hard for the us to watch. I know you will feel the same. 
 

Life is cruel and there's nothing we can do about it! 

Take Care Fizz
 

xx 

deepest symphay for your loss fizzjaney.

I know and totally agree with everything you have  wrote. I was in the same position in July 2020 When my wife died from aggressive bowel cancer.  I had my wife at home for EOL care. never stopped telling my beautiful wife how much I loved her.  I was holding her hand when she exhaled  her last breath. I can understand when you say you knew what was coming. I felt guilty thinking I wish it was over. that way she would not be in any more pain. I was married for 34 years, not that it makes my wifes death any more important than anyone elses.

You watch these films when a person dies. still looks like there in model mode. but it was a shock to my to actually see what a person looks like when there heart stops pumping blood. fizzjaney you being a nurse will understand without me going in to graphic detail.  it was a shock to me.

I have liver cancer myself. and I know without a liver transplant I know what's coming or what I have to look forward to. But if there is something after life, I know I will meet up with my darling wife soon.