Hello Jturnie

I'm so very sorry to hear about your Mum's recent death. It's obviously been an incredibly difficult few months for you all and it's understandable that you have questions about her diagnosis, treatment and what, if anything, may possibly have contributed to her passing. 

In the first instance, I'd suggest contacting your Mum's GP surgery and asking what information they may be able to give you. Alternatively, you could speak with your local hospital's PALS department who may be able to liaise to get some information and possible answers for you. 

Unfortunately, you may never get all the answers that you want but it can certainly help to talk to someone about how you're feeling. You're most welcome to give our team of nurses a call to chat things through and get some advice. They're available on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9 am to 5 pm. It may also be that you might consider getting in touch with Cruse, a charity that offers bereavement support. 

I hope this helps in some small way. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

HI Jturnie,

A very warm welcome to our forum, although I'm sorry to hear what brought you here. My sincere condolences on the loss of your mum. Unfortunately, I know just how devastating and confusing it is to lose a loved one so quickly. 

My mother-in-law had dementia and, my 97 year old father-in-law, nursed her at home for 6 years. When she died he was totally devastated, as they had been together for 70 years. He then started to complain about how sore his back was. We took him to see his GP 5 times to be told that it was only arthritis and for him to be given anti-inflammatories. Eventually, after seeing several of the doctors in the practice, one decided to sent him to the day hospital for assessment.

He was kept in and that afternoon, we were told that he had cancer throughout his body and that, at best he had weeks to live. He survived for 5 days. Sadly, just three months after that, his youngest son, who was 53, was found dead in bed and, despite holding a post mortem, no conclusive reason was found for his death.

It is so hard to come to terms with a sudden death at any time, but all the more difficult when you feel that, symptoms were overlooked, despite attending doctors at the time.

Despite these tragic losses, we have to be able to let our anger go, or it ends up consuming us. Life is too short to let that happen. I sincerely hope that you can find some way of coming to terms with your loss, despite the circumstances and I hope that you and your dad can support one another in your grief.

KInd regards,

Jolamine xx

That's a sad and unusual story about a 52 year old. Dreadful for you and you family.
Your account only mentions secondaries. Was it a cancer of unknown primary? It won't help your Mum any more, of course, but knowing as much as possible about the cancer will help you, I think.  So do not hesitate to ask your Mum's GP.

http://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/family-destroyed-lovely-mum-five-5404370

Hi, 

Sorry to hear about your mum. My mum is in a similar situation. She is 52 and started experiencing pain, went to drs and hospitals. Scans show nothing. Eventually rushed to a&e in pain and having lost the function of her legs. She was diagnosed with cancer of unknown primary. She has been in a hospice for a few months now. I am only 26 and have the same feelings as you, so shocked at how she went from being so healthy to having an incurable cancer. You are not alone. 

K x

Hey. 

That sounds like an unimaginable year you're having. It must be devastating to have your world crash down like this. I could be wrong, but it's possible that the hole in your dad's life that was left behind by your mothers death was too vast for him to handle, and he couldn't bear it so ended up filling it as fast as he could. It's not a healthy approach to grief but it's one possibility. Darkness is difficult to live with for many people although running away from it ends up doing more harm than good as evident in your family's situation. This is, of course, a more pleasant explanation. 

There could be uglier explanations also, but i think perhaps you should write down all your questions and feelings in a letter, or in bullet points, then ask your dad to spend some time alone with him, and read out loud your letter/ all your questions.. Bear in mind that outcome of this might not be perfect - he might say things that hurt you, but by opening up the conversation and saying what is in your heart, you will have done your part, and can decide your next steps freely. Whether you get an understanding of the situation OR you simply get more of an understanding of who your father is, you will have communicated and put all your cards on the table. It will be hard so that's why i suggested writing it down. And try to stay calm during the conversation. Deep breaths. 

How old are you if you don't mind me asking ? You have every right to be upset over what your father did. I would be furious. It must have left a really bad taste in your mouth no doubt. The world will balance itself, and unfortunately it sounds like your dad is only hurting himself in the long run by hurting those around him. By talking to him with an open mind you are showing compassion because his actions right now might gather a lot of bad karma for him. 

Of course I don't know anything about the ins and outs of your relationship, so i can only judge based upon the information you've written. Try to bond with your siblings and make sure you all get to say what you feel from your heart. If you are able to release this thru communication, time will heal.

Your mother is being taken care of by mother nature, and she will take care of you too. Perhaps connecting with nature could help soothe the pain a little.

Take care x