Hi Simon,

I am so sorry to hear that your dad is not coping and that you feel that his health is failing. Don't push yourself. You will know when you feel ready to start tidying out your mum's things. Don't start until you feel ready to face this, because you may regret getting rid of certain things, if you're not in the right frame of mind to do this.

Archie is slowly improving, although he's not too happy that he has to quarantine for 10 days before he can circulate with the other residents. We can only see him for half an hour once a week, by appointment, so it's not ideal.

Take care.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm sorry to hear that. 30 minutes isn't long at all especially when it's only once a week. I didn't know whether they would be lifting restrictions but it looks like they have put it back again. Hopefully he manages ok until you can get to see him properly again. 
Thanks Jolamine, yes I do seem to be having quite a few more down days but I know that's to be expected. My sister is helping where she can and my dad knows he needs to get his own help. He has been offered carers, It's in his hands and I'm guessing at some point he will realise he can't cope without the help. I'm trying to keep as healthy as possible but it is difficult at times. Yes I'm leaving most of my mums things for now, I'm not ready to start making any big changes yet. As you said I will know when I feel up to doing it, I'm in no rush at the moment, just trying to manage the everyday things. Thank you so much Jolamine, I hope Archie is ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

It sounds as if you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Try to get yourself used to doing everyday things before you tackle any changes. There really is no hurry. You may find it easier to go through things together with your sister when you are both ready. Don't worry about having more bad days than good just now. This is not unusual. Keep talking about your mum and try to dwell on happier times, although, I know that at times this can make your loss feel even greater.

I am glad to hear that your dad is beginning to reaise that he needs additional help and hope that he will soon accept the carers that he's been offered. This would certainly reduce some of the strain on both you and your sister.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get in to see Archie at all last week, as all the visiting slots were booked up when I phoned. However, I managed to see him this afternoon and he was looking a lot better. He is in a wheelchair at present. The physio is giving him exercises to improve his lung capacity and has only allowed him to take 5 steps so far. Both Archie and I are worried that the longer he is off his feet, the more difficult he will find it to walk again. Still, he is a determined man and I'm sure that he'll manage eventually.

You are doing well and, I'm sure that your mum is so proud of you already.

Take care.

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad Archie is doing a bit better. It must be really difficult for you all. I'm sure he will, he sounds like he is a very determined person. Hopefully he will get more confidence soon and be able to start to walk again. My thoughts are with you all. X

Thankyou, yes at the moment I'm still just trying to get on with things. There seems lots to do but I know none of this is really important at the moment. Trying to keep my health should be my main priority at the moment. I am doing ok and then it hits me all of a sudden and I need to let it out. Me and my sister talk a lot about mum which is good. My dad ended up going in hospital the other day as he says he wasn't feeling well. It basically came down to him not looking after himself. They said there's nothing they can really do and he needs to look after himself better. He has agreed to carers again now as I think he finally realises he won't be able to manage. Hopefully he follows through with it and doesn't back out again. Thank you so much Jolamine. My thoughts are with you and Archie, I hope he continues to improve. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I am so sorry to hear hat it took your dad to have to go to hospital before he agreed to carers again - maybe this was a good thing, if it made him realise that he cannot manage on his own? I sincerely hope that he goes through with it now. 

Archie was in hospital four years ago, after he fell between his mobility scooter and his wardrobe. He fell on his good side and broke his collar bone. He was in hospital for 4 months then and didn;t have use of any of his arms or legs. It was so sad, as doctors seemed to write him off and told us that he would never use his good arm or leg again. Within a month he was walking and feeding himself again, then gradually got more use in both limbs. I only hope that he can do this again.

Your own health does need to be your priority and I'm sure, that this is what your mum would want. It is good that you and your sister are still able to talk about your mum, but you will have those moments when it all hits you. Having a good cry is not a bad thing when you feel overwhelmed, as it's a good release valve. It really is much better than trying to bottle eyerything up.

How are you managing to sleep? I notice that a number of your posts are coming through even later than some of mine!

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can imagine it was an awful time for you. I'm so glad he proved the doctors wrong to be able to walk again. I hope he can do the same again. It sounds like he is a very strong person to go through what he has. My thoughts are with you all, I do hope he continues to recover and is able to walk himself again. X

Thank you Jolamine, yes I do believe it is for the best. He didn't take his tablets for a few days and he felt so ill that he let me call an ambulance which he wouldn't normally do. I think he has to admit he does need help. I can't give him the support my mum did due to my own issues. My mum did always say make sure you take care of yourself, I'm trying to do that the best I can. It does, certain triggers just set you off and you end up crying out of nowhere. I think it must help, there is so much going on In your head that you do need to let some pressure out sometimes!

Ah did you notice Jolamine, I do post quite late sometimes. I have a funny sleep pattern but I have had that for a while now. It's mainly due to my dizziness, I have trouble getting too sleep so I end up being up quite late. Do you sleep ok yourself Jolamine, I did notice a few of your posts are quite late. Best wishes. X

Simon 

Hi Simon,

I imagine that you will find it hard enough to look after yourself and, I just hope that this makes your dad realise that he does need some extra care. It is strange the triggers that set you off, but we all need a release valve. Crying is far better than drowning your sorrows in a bottle, or some of the other alternatives, so let those tears flow. They will gradually become less frequent.

Yes, I have noticed your late posts. I have always been a night owl myself and find that this is often when people are at their lowest point, so I try to reply to people who are still around at such unsociable hours.

Archie is a much stronger person than most people think and, I hope that with his determination and our help, we'll manage to get him back on his feet again.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, he does sound like he is very determined. I hope that with your help he is able to get himself feeling better and back on his feet. I'm sure everything will be ok, my thoughts are with you all. X

I do believe it's for the best, my dad was never going to be able to manage how it was despite what he believed. Yes the tears are very random but I try and just let it happen. I have always been a very emotional person especially when it comes to my mum. I was always crying before when I knew she was ill so she knows I am hopeless! I think she stayed strong for me when I got upset. Ah I totally understand, it does seem to happen like they doesn't it. Night times always feel worse. I think you can feel more alone at night. That is so kind of you to help others who are going through these things, you are an amazing person Jolamine! Thank you so much. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Sometimes the only way for people to accept that they need help is to let them get desperate enough to admit that this is so - I just hope that your dad doesn't change his mind again.

You have possibly been grieving for your mum almost from when you knew how ill she was and, I'm sure that your mum realised this. There is no shame whatsoever in crying. It really is a necessary release valve.

Yes, it's those lonely hours throughout the night that always seem the bleakest. Thank you for your kind thoughts about Archie. We will certainly do everything we possibly can to get him back on his feet again.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx