Hi Jolamine, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope your relative is ok. There are a lot of things, I think you may be right, it keeps you that busy you don't really have time to dwell on things! It is very much, you feel like you should be feeling more but again I think this is probably our way of getting through it. If you don't believe it's happened then you can fool yourself. I do get emotional most days but I have the odd day where I get through without getting upset. I know this is a long road and to just try and get through it bit by bit. Thank you so much Jolamine, that means a lot to me. I want to be as strong as possible and get through this for my mum. I hope your relative is ok. Thank you so much. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

In some ways you will feel relieved when the funeral is over, but this is really when the grieving begins. 

My husband's cousin is in a care home and we are his only relatives. He fell on Thursday afternoon and none of the staff noticed anything wrong with him, until they went to put him to bed at 10.30. They sent for an ambulance which didn't arrive until 2.30am and he was admitted at 4.30am. He had broken a rib and this had punctured his lung. Fortunately, it has now been re-inflated and he is back in the nursing home. He now has to quarintine in his room for 10 days, which he's not too happy about.

You will cry most days just now, but you will gradually find that you are doing this less often. you will never forget this, but you do learn to live with it

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Simon,

I hope that the funeral tomorrow goes as well as it can and that your celebrant does your mum proud. I know that you have been dreading this day, yet I'm sure that you will get through it for your mum's sake.

Thinking of you all and wishing you the strength to get through the day.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, the funeral went ok thank you. It was tough but I managed to get through it. I'm so sorry to hear about your husbands cousin, I hope he is doing ok. That must be difficult that he has to stay in quarantine but hopefully he will get through it and be more comfortable soon. My thoughts are with you all.
 

Mums funeral was tough but I think after all I have been through it wasn't quite as bad as I expected. Mum was being cremated and I managed to carry the coffin which I always wanted to do. I was glad to be able to take her on her final journey although it was heartbreaking to say goodbye. I know she is still with me and this is just another part of the process though.

I have felt very deflated and empty since the funeral. I thought there might be relief and I think there is a little bit because I know my mum can rest now. It just feels like it is hitting me for real now. I know you said this can happen and once everything is sorted then the grieving can really start. I do understand what you mean. I'm just trying to get by for now, I know it's very early so I'm just taking each day as it comes and trying to do my best. Thank you so much Jolamine, I hope your husbands cousin is doing ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I'm glad to hear that the funeral went as well as it could. You did really well to carry the coffin and I'm glad to hear that you didn't find it quite the ordeal that you expected. After all that you've been through I was pretty sure that you would cope with this. You have been so busy recently that you are bound to feel as you do. I expect that there is also some relief that your mum is now at peace.

This is still very early days for you. Talk to the picture you have of your mum when you feel the need. Try to takes things one day at a time. Talk about your mum to one another and, when possible, remember happier times than your more recent memories.

My husband's cousin is pretty fed up with his own company. We are still in level three, so only one person can visit him once a week for half an hour.

Thinking of you all.

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, sorry I didn't reply sooner. These last few days have been a whirlwind. I'm trying to keep busy as best I can. I think a lot of the time I'm just trying to keep my mind active so I don't dwell on it too much. I'm so sorry to hear about your husbands cousin. I'm sure he is fed up, once a week for half an hour isn't very long at all. Hopefully he manages ok and you can get to see him for longer shortly. This Covid makes things really difficult for everyone.

You were right, I was expecting the funeral to be overwhelming but everything that came before it put it in to perspective. If I can watch my mum pass away at home I can pretty much get through anything. I do try and remember that when I'm sad, I know that no matter how bad I feel my mum has no more pain. That is the main thing, I just miss her so much. I know it's lot been long but I'm guessing that the feelings get stronger as time goes by and I will miss her more and more. I know I shouldn't guess how I feel and just take it day by day. Thank you Jolamine, I have been talking to my picture a lot. It does make me feel a little better. I'm hoping she is listening to me, I do feel sure she's always with me. My sister comes round quite a bit  and we were talking about mum. It does help talk things through. At the moment it's quite hard to forget the recent memories but we do have lots of great things to look back on so it definitely does help. Thank you so much Jolamine, I hope your husband's cousin is doing ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Never worry about how long it takes you to reply to me. We all have lives to lead and this has to take priority over replying to posts. It sounds as if you are going through the motions, just to keep your mind active and trying not to dwell on things too much. Every so often you'll get a darker moment for reflection and tears, then you'll give yourself a good talking to and get back to 'appearing as if everything is normal' for another short while. You will slowly find that the days become a little brighter as you can think of happier memories and recall memories of your mum with a smile on your face.

I am glad that you can talk to your sister about your mum and that you find that it helps to talk things through. It is bound to be very hard not to think of recent memories at the moment, but you will gradually begin to recall happier times. It is much more therapeuic to be able to talk about things than bottling it all up.

I am glad to hear that you didn't find the funeral as daunting as you expected. You have already experienced the worst pain of seeing your mum suffer and not being able to make the pain go away. I must confess that I found the fact that my mum was no longer in pain was a great solace to me after she passed.

You will find it especially raw not to have her with you any longer, but she is there beside you every step of the way, willing you on and saying 'you can do this.'  I'm sure that she is listening to you every time you talk to her photo. I don't think that we ever really get over losing our mums, but you will eventually learn to live with it.

Have you explored the different stages of grief? You might find that it helps you to understand what you are going through, when you feel ready to do this.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, yes I think you are right. I haven't had much time to dwell but I think that's because I'm not really allowing myself to. I do have moments where it hits me but it doesn't feel final. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I will never see her again.  That finality is too much to bear. It is just like you said, most of the time you say to yourself get a grip and then go back about trying to be normal again.

Yes it does help chatting to my sister, I think she feels the same like it's not real. We are obviously at different stages though as I was living with mum and she was coming round when she could. She can get really upset when coming round whereas I'm used to being here all the time. I think I do feel a relief for mum that she has no pain. I remember saying to her I can take the pain of losing her, the worst thing in the world for me was to see her in pain. In that way I'm happy but I just wish I could have her back for a little longer. I do need to work on that though as the fact she isn't in pain was what I always said I wanted. I told her I will take the pain instead and I want to show her I can do that.

Thank you Jolamine, I hope so. I do definitely believe that she is with me and she will get me through this. I know she has given me strength I didn't know I had. I didn't think I would cope with any of this so the fact I'm getting through the days shows how much she is with me. I do know nothing will ever be the same again. I did just have a look at it, It looks like there's quite a few stages of grief. I seem to be stuck on number 1, the disbelief bit. It does say there's no right or wrong way and people can be at this point for a long time before moving on. Grief seems like a very complex thing. I lost my grandad when I was 12 but otherwise I've been lucky to not have any close family deaths. I will just take it one day at a time. Thank you so much for your kind words and support Jolamine. It really does mean a lot to me. You have helped me a lot and you are still helping me now so I want to say a big thank you for everything you have done for me. It means so much. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

You will give yourself time to dwell once you feel able to face this. You will gradually begin to realize that it is final. I understand that you will maybe come to accept it a little sooner than your sister, because, as you say, you are there all the time, whereas she has been used to seeing 3 of you every time she visited and now there are only 2.

Isn't it strange that we never know what we want until it's gone? You didn't want to see your mum in pain and now you wish that you had longer together. This is only natural, but sadly, no matter how much longer you had, it would still never be long enough. It's amazing where we find strength from when our back is up against the wall. I am so glad that you feel that your mum is there alongside you helping you to cope. As ever, I'm sure that you will do her proud.

I am glad to hear that you have glanced at the various stages of grief. I found it helpful to know that my experiences were normal, although I accept that there are a vast array of emotions and time scales which all come under the umbrella of normal.

How are you coping at home now that the carers are away? I imagine that this will be a challenge for you too.

Thinking of you all.

Jolamine xx