Hi,my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer just over 18months ago, she also has it in her lymph nodes and rib,she has had immunotherapy and radiation therapy,she seemed to pic up a little bit,but now she is in a lot of pain and lost loads of weight, last few days she has spent most of it in bed, she in 40 mg morphine twice a day plus the liquid when needed, the consultant said he is considering cemo but thinks the side effects would be too much, can anyone tell me if this could be the end or could she pic up again,im at a loss as to what to expect 

Hi Loo1512, I'm sorry to hear that. I can't really help on what could happen next. I know Jolamine will be able to help you more. From my experience with my mum once you are too weak for treatment it usually means that there isn't too much more they can do. I know everybody is different though. Try and savour every moment you can with your mum. All the time you can spend together is special. My thoughts are with you and your mum. X

Simon 

Hi Simon,

In some ways you will feel relieved when the funeral is over, but this is really when the grieving begins. 

My husband's cousin is in a care home and we are his only relatives. He fell on Thursday afternoon and none of the staff noticed anything wrong with him, until they went to put him to bed at 10.30. They sent for an ambulance which didn't arrive until 2.30am and he was admitted at 4.30am. He had broken a rib and this had punctured his lung. Fortunately, it has now been re-inflated and he is back in the nursing home. He now has to quarintine in his room for 10 days, which he's not too happy about.

You will cry most days just now, but you will gradually find that you are doing this less often. you will never forget this, but you do learn to live with it

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Simon,

I hope that the funeral tomorrow goes as well as it can and that your celebrant does your mum proud. I know that you have been dreading this day, yet I'm sure that you will get through it for your mum's sake.

Thinking of you all and wishing you the strength to get through the day.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, the funeral went ok thank you. It was tough but I managed to get through it. I'm so sorry to hear about your husbands cousin, I hope he is doing ok. That must be difficult that he has to stay in quarantine but hopefully he will get through it and be more comfortable soon. My thoughts are with you all.
 

Mums funeral was tough but I think after all I have been through it wasn't quite as bad as I expected. Mum was being cremated and I managed to carry the coffin which I always wanted to do. I was glad to be able to take her on her final journey although it was heartbreaking to say goodbye. I know she is still with me and this is just another part of the process though.

I have felt very deflated and empty since the funeral. I thought there might be relief and I think there is a little bit because I know my mum can rest now. It just feels like it is hitting me for real now. I know you said this can happen and once everything is sorted then the grieving can really start. I do understand what you mean. I'm just trying to get by for now, I know it's very early so I'm just taking each day as it comes and trying to do my best. Thank you so much Jolamine, I hope your husbands cousin is doing ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I'm glad to hear that the funeral went as well as it could. You did really well to carry the coffin and I'm glad to hear that you didn't find it quite the ordeal that you expected. After all that you've been through I was pretty sure that you would cope with this. You have been so busy recently that you are bound to feel as you do. I expect that there is also some relief that your mum is now at peace.

This is still very early days for you. Talk to the picture you have of your mum when you feel the need. Try to takes things one day at a time. Talk about your mum to one another and, when possible, remember happier times than your more recent memories.

My husband's cousin is pretty fed up with his own company. We are still in level three, so only one person can visit him once a week for half an hour.

Thinking of you all.

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, sorry I didn't reply sooner. These last few days have been a whirlwind. I'm trying to keep busy as best I can. I think a lot of the time I'm just trying to keep my mind active so I don't dwell on it too much. I'm so sorry to hear about your husbands cousin. I'm sure he is fed up, once a week for half an hour isn't very long at all. Hopefully he manages ok and you can get to see him for longer shortly. This Covid makes things really difficult for everyone.

You were right, I was expecting the funeral to be overwhelming but everything that came before it put it in to perspective. If I can watch my mum pass away at home I can pretty much get through anything. I do try and remember that when I'm sad, I know that no matter how bad I feel my mum has no more pain. That is the main thing, I just miss her so much. I know it's lot been long but I'm guessing that the feelings get stronger as time goes by and I will miss her more and more. I know I shouldn't guess how I feel and just take it day by day. Thank you Jolamine, I have been talking to my picture a lot. It does make me feel a little better. I'm hoping she is listening to me, I do feel sure she's always with me. My sister comes round quite a bit  and we were talking about mum. It does help talk things through. At the moment it's quite hard to forget the recent memories but we do have lots of great things to look back on so it definitely does help. Thank you so much Jolamine, I hope your husband's cousin is doing ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Never worry about how long it takes you to reply to me. We all have lives to lead and this has to take priority over replying to posts. It sounds as if you are going through the motions, just to keep your mind active and trying not to dwell on things too much. Every so often you'll get a darker moment for reflection and tears, then you'll give yourself a good talking to and get back to 'appearing as if everything is normal' for another short while. You will slowly find that the days become a little brighter as you can think of happier memories and recall memories of your mum with a smile on your face.

I am glad that you can talk to your sister about your mum and that you find that it helps to talk things through. It is bound to be very hard not to think of recent memories at the moment, but you will gradually begin to recall happier times. It is much more therapeuic to be able to talk about things than bottling it all up.

I am glad to hear that you didn't find the funeral as daunting as you expected. You have already experienced the worst pain of seeing your mum suffer and not being able to make the pain go away. I must confess that I found the fact that my mum was no longer in pain was a great solace to me after she passed.

You will find it especially raw not to have her with you any longer, but she is there beside you every step of the way, willing you on and saying 'you can do this.'  I'm sure that she is listening to you every time you talk to her photo. I don't think that we ever really get over losing our mums, but you will eventually learn to live with it.

Have you explored the different stages of grief? You might find that it helps you to understand what you are going through, when you feel ready to do this.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, yes I think you are right. I haven't had much time to dwell but I think that's because I'm not really allowing myself to. I do have moments where it hits me but it doesn't feel final. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I will never see her again.  That finality is too much to bear. It is just like you said, most of the time you say to yourself get a grip and then go back about trying to be normal again.

Yes it does help chatting to my sister, I think she feels the same like it's not real. We are obviously at different stages though as I was living with mum and she was coming round when she could. She can get really upset when coming round whereas I'm used to being here all the time. I think I do feel a relief for mum that she has no pain. I remember saying to her I can take the pain of losing her, the worst thing in the world for me was to see her in pain. In that way I'm happy but I just wish I could have her back for a little longer. I do need to work on that though as the fact she isn't in pain was what I always said I wanted. I told her I will take the pain instead and I want to show her I can do that.

Thank you Jolamine, I hope so. I do definitely believe that she is with me and she will get me through this. I know she has given me strength I didn't know I had. I didn't think I would cope with any of this so the fact I'm getting through the days shows how much she is with me. I do know nothing will ever be the same again. I did just have a look at it, It looks like there's quite a few stages of grief. I seem to be stuck on number 1, the disbelief bit. It does say there's no right or wrong way and people can be at this point for a long time before moving on. Grief seems like a very complex thing. I lost my grandad when I was 12 but otherwise I've been lucky to not have any close family deaths. I will just take it one day at a time. Thank you so much for your kind words and support Jolamine. It really does mean a lot to me. You have helped me a lot and you are still helping me now so I want to say a big thank you for everything you have done for me. It means so much. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

You will give yourself time to dwell once you feel able to face this. You will gradually begin to realize that it is final. I understand that you will maybe come to accept it a little sooner than your sister, because, as you say, you are there all the time, whereas she has been used to seeing 3 of you every time she visited and now there are only 2.

Isn't it strange that we never know what we want until it's gone? You didn't want to see your mum in pain and now you wish that you had longer together. This is only natural, but sadly, no matter how much longer you had, it would still never be long enough. It's amazing where we find strength from when our back is up against the wall. I am so glad that you feel that your mum is there alongside you helping you to cope. As ever, I'm sure that you will do her proud.

I am glad to hear that you have glanced at the various stages of grief. I found it helpful to know that my experiences were normal, although I accept that there are a vast array of emotions and time scales which all come under the umbrella of normal.

How are you coping at home now that the carers are away? I imagine that this will be a challenge for you too.

Thinking of you all.

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I think you are right. At the moment it almost feels like nothing is wrong but I understand that is just myself not facing up to it. I do imagine it will hit me at some point but as you said it will happen when it happens. I think so with my sister, we did have different relationships with mum, she is devastated but she does have to look after her own family too. I have always been at home with my mum so she was my family. 

Thank you so much, I hope so. That is my main aim, I want to be the best I can be for my mum as I know that's what she wanted. She always believed everything happens for a reason, it's hard to think that way now but she did always say it. You are totally right, it will never be enough. I know if my mum was 90 it would still not be enough. Whenever I lose her it was going to be a nightmare. The fact she was only 65 is painful but I'm trying to be grateful because I know not everybody gets to have their mum with them until they are 41. We do se to have strength beyond what we think. If I had known what I would go through I don't think I could have done it and yet we do. It is amazing what people manage to get through.

It did help to have a look at the stages. You don't really know of what you are feeling is normal but as you said there are so many different ways, everyone is different and it seems like all the feelings are perfectly normal. I'm doing ok without the carers thankyou. My dad isn't really getting along too well. He basically ignores everything and gets on with his own stuff but he's not looking after himself and he knows I can't really do it as I have my own problems. He won't have help but his health looks to be going downhill but there's not much I can do really if he won't accept help. I have been trying to tidy up bits of the house but there's so much stuff of mums I can't face getting rid of things just yet. I think that will be done later on when we have too, it feels too soon to be getting rid of things just now. Thank you so much Jolamine, I hope your husband's cousin is managing ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I am so sorry to hear that your dad is not coping and that you feel that his health is failing. Don't push yourself. You will know when you feel ready to start tidying out your mum's things. Don't start until you feel ready to face this, because you may regret getting rid of certain things, if you're not in the right frame of mind to do this.

Archie is slowly improving, although he's not too happy that he has to quarantine for 10 days before he can circulate with the other residents. We can only see him for half an hour once a week, by appointment, so it's not ideal.

Take care.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Simon,

I am so sorry to hear that your dad is not coping and that you feel that his health is failing. Don't push yourself. You will know when you feel ready to start tidying out your mum's things. Don't start until you feel ready to face this, because you may regret getting rid of certain things, if you're not in the right frame of mind to do this.

Archie is slowly improving, although he's not too happy that he has to quarantine for 10 days before he can circulate with the other residents. We can only see him for half an hour once a week, by appointment, so it's not ideal.

Take care.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm sorry to hear that. 30 minutes isn't long at all especially when it's only once a week. I didn't know whether they would be lifting restrictions but it looks like they have put it back again. Hopefully he manages ok until you can get to see him properly again. 
Thanks Jolamine, yes I do seem to be having quite a few more down days but I know that's to be expected. My sister is helping where she can and my dad knows he needs to get his own help. He has been offered carers, It's in his hands and I'm guessing at some point he will realise he can't cope without the help. I'm trying to keep as healthy as possible but it is difficult at times. Yes I'm leaving most of my mums things for now, I'm not ready to start making any big changes yet. As you said I will know when I feel up to doing it, I'm in no rush at the moment, just trying to manage the everyday things. Thank you so much Jolamine, I hope Archie is ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

It sounds as if you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Try to get yourself used to doing everyday things before you tackle any changes. There really is no hurry. You may find it easier to go through things together with your sister when you are both ready. Don't worry about having more bad days than good just now. This is not unusual. Keep talking about your mum and try to dwell on happier times, although, I know that at times this can make your loss feel even greater.

I am glad to hear that your dad is beginning to reaise that he needs additional help and hope that he will soon accept the carers that he's been offered. This would certainly reduce some of the strain on both you and your sister.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get in to see Archie at all last week, as all the visiting slots were booked up when I phoned. However, I managed to see him this afternoon and he was looking a lot better. He is in a wheelchair at present. The physio is giving him exercises to improve his lung capacity and has only allowed him to take 5 steps so far. Both Archie and I are worried that the longer he is off his feet, the more difficult he will find it to walk again. Still, he is a determined man and I'm sure that he'll manage eventually.

You are doing well and, I'm sure that your mum is so proud of you already.

Take care.

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad Archie is doing a bit better. It must be really difficult for you all. I'm sure he will, he sounds like he is a very determined person. Hopefully he will get more confidence soon and be able to start to walk again. My thoughts are with you all. X

Thankyou, yes at the moment I'm still just trying to get on with things. There seems lots to do but I know none of this is really important at the moment. Trying to keep my health should be my main priority at the moment. I am doing ok and then it hits me all of a sudden and I need to let it out. Me and my sister talk a lot about mum which is good. My dad ended up going in hospital the other day as he says he wasn't feeling well. It basically came down to him not looking after himself. They said there's nothing they can really do and he needs to look after himself better. He has agreed to carers again now as I think he finally realises he won't be able to manage. Hopefully he follows through with it and doesn't back out again. Thank you so much Jolamine. My thoughts are with you and Archie, I hope he continues to improve. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I am so sorry to hear hat it took your dad to have to go to hospital before he agreed to carers again - maybe this was a good thing, if it made him realise that he cannot manage on his own? I sincerely hope that he goes through with it now. 

Archie was in hospital four years ago, after he fell between his mobility scooter and his wardrobe. He fell on his good side and broke his collar bone. He was in hospital for 4 months then and didn;t have use of any of his arms or legs. It was so sad, as doctors seemed to write him off and told us that he would never use his good arm or leg again. Within a month he was walking and feeding himself again, then gradually got more use in both limbs. I only hope that he can do this again.

Your own health does need to be your priority and I'm sure, that this is what your mum would want. It is good that you and your sister are still able to talk about your mum, but you will have those moments when it all hits you. Having a good cry is not a bad thing when you feel overwhelmed, as it's a good release valve. It really is much better than trying to bottle eyerything up.

How are you managing to sleep? I notice that a number of your posts are coming through even later than some of mine!

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can imagine it was an awful time for you. I'm so glad he proved the doctors wrong to be able to walk again. I hope he can do the same again. It sounds like he is a very strong person to go through what he has. My thoughts are with you all, I do hope he continues to recover and is able to walk himself again. X

Thank you Jolamine, yes I do believe it is for the best. He didn't take his tablets for a few days and he felt so ill that he let me call an ambulance which he wouldn't normally do. I think he has to admit he does need help. I can't give him the support my mum did due to my own issues. My mum did always say make sure you take care of yourself, I'm trying to do that the best I can. It does, certain triggers just set you off and you end up crying out of nowhere. I think it must help, there is so much going on In your head that you do need to let some pressure out sometimes!

Ah did you notice Jolamine, I do post quite late sometimes. I have a funny sleep pattern but I have had that for a while now. It's mainly due to my dizziness, I have trouble getting too sleep so I end up being up quite late. Do you sleep ok yourself Jolamine, I did notice a few of your posts are quite late. Best wishes. X

Simon 

Hi Simon,

I imagine that you will find it hard enough to look after yourself and, I just hope that this makes your dad realise that he does need some extra care. It is strange the triggers that set you off, but we all need a release valve. Crying is far better than drowning your sorrows in a bottle, or some of the other alternatives, so let those tears flow. They will gradually become less frequent.

Yes, I have noticed your late posts. I have always been a night owl myself and find that this is often when people are at their lowest point, so I try to reply to people who are still around at such unsociable hours.

Archie is a much stronger person than most people think and, I hope that with his determination and our help, we'll manage to get him back on his feet again.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, he does sound like he is very determined. I hope that with your help he is able to get himself feeling better and back on his feet. I'm sure everything will be ok, my thoughts are with you all. X

I do believe it's for the best, my dad was never going to be able to manage how it was despite what he believed. Yes the tears are very random but I try and just let it happen. I have always been a very emotional person especially when it comes to my mum. I was always crying before when I knew she was ill so she knows I am hopeless! I think she stayed strong for me when I got upset. Ah I totally understand, it does seem to happen like they doesn't it. Night times always feel worse. I think you can feel more alone at night. That is so kind of you to help others who are going through these things, you are an amazing person Jolamine! Thank you so much. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Sometimes the only way for people to accept that they need help is to let them get desperate enough to admit that this is so - I just hope that your dad doesn't change his mind again.

You have possibly been grieving for your mum almost from when you knew how ill she was and, I'm sure that your mum realised this. There is no shame whatsoever in crying. It really is a necessary release valve.

Yes, it's those lonely hours throughout the night that always seem the bleakest. Thank you for your kind thoughts about Archie. We will certainly do everything we possibly can to get him back on his feet again.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I believe you are right. I still get the feeling now that he could change his mind but I know that's not for me to worry about. I can't change his mind so he needs to decide for himself but I think he realises now that he needs help. I think I was, from the first time mum found out she was ill in December it felt like constantly finding out some more bad news. It started here then spread to another place, constant tests and worrying. I think as you said I did a lot grieving before as we knew what the eventual outcome would be although it was a lot sooner than I hoped for. I don't think my mum minded me getting upset, she just stayed strong for me so I didn't worry. Typical mum always worrying about other people!

I really do hope that Archie improves and you can manage to get him back up and about again. My thoughts are with you and all your family Jolamine. You take care. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

It sounds as if it may be a case of 'tough love' for your dad, as it is only by leaving him to his own devices that he will realise that he really does need help. I know exactly what you mean about your mum. As more and more bad news is heaped upon us we really do begin to grieve prematurely. That's what we mums do - worry about our offspring, no matter how old they are. Your mum knew you inside out and I'm sure that she would have probably felt hurt if you hadn't been upset.

How are you managing to fill your days at the moment - do you have any interests or pastimes to help fill the void that you have?

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx