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Dad given two months to live.

MiGi
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Hi there, 

Im totally new here, I am just so upset right now and wondered if anyone had any advice. 

My dad got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer last week. It was a shock. He only went to hospital with a chest infection. He came home on Saturday, they were giving the antibiotics a chance to work and had booked him in for a biopsy on the 30th but this morning he rumg me and told me he didn't feel well and said he thought he may have to go back to hospital as he'd been coughing up blood for two hours. I got to my parents in ten minutes, planned on putting him in my car and driving him to A and E but he was in absolute agony. It was horrific. So I called an ambulance. Later on it turned out its spread to his liver and nymph things

and the consultant told dad he only had a couple of months left in him. Mums been crying all day my dad has just gone into a state of shock. I'm trying to blank it out for now because I have to be strong. 

So then they moved dad to a ward for the night. Mum was told she would be able to stay with him over night but when we got to the ward the nurse was pretty harsh and direct with my mum and told her she couldn't stay with him. She said she'd had three other people ask and the answer was no. I couldn't believe it. Her tone, her manner, it was absolutely awful. My poor mother. The nurse then said if she wanted to stay that much she could sit in the day room but only for one night until my dad "gets used to it". They asked me to leave as it was 11pm by the time he went to the ward and away from my mum before I left I explained (through tears) to the nurse that my dad had just been given two months to live and that my parents were terrified and gutted and dad didn't want mum to leave him. I also explained that mum has really bad anxiety and is very sensitive so can't deal with stress as well as most but I was so hurt and upset for my mum. It was a huge blow after the worst week of her life and she was crushed. I've left her now stuck in the day room all night and I just can't believe this is how it is. If mum can't be with dad he will give up straight away. He needs her. Especially tonight. I thought it was so cruel to not let them stay together and to speak to mum like that or am I being over sensitive and this is what it's like if you're terminally ill in hospital? Thanks so much. Sorry for going on. Xxxxxxx

  • Offline in reply to Brien

    Hi Betty, 

    Thank you! I’m meeting my cousin this evening to make our final arrangements for the weekend. He’s also insisted I join Salsa class so I’ve been doing that the last two weeks to lift my spirits. I’ve met some nice people and it’s a way to keep fit. 

    I know exactly how you feel about going anywhere near that hospital. The hospital my dad died in is right next to me, five minutes from our house. I drive past it every day on the way to mums. I’m going there now to drop my daughter who is on a placement there. I always felt reassured that the hospital was so close but now it gives me chills. They have always been good with my children but I was there recently with one of my girls. The nurse was talking to me and I found myself thinking “I want to tryst you but I don’t believe what you’re telling me, I’ll take her home and hope for the best.” It’s awful. The nurse wS fab too I have just completely lost my faith and confidence in them and whereas before if anything happened I’d rush to go there now I cannot think of a worse place to be. It also stirs up a lot of memories when I walk in because I can see the ward where dad died when I look up as I walk through the main entrance. Not his exact room but it’s a choice of two or three because I remember looking down out of the window when he was in there at the people coming and going. 

    I bet you feel all sorts of emotions and judging by my own its completely normal and I’m not sure it will ever stop just get less painful hopefully. 

    It was mums birthday yesterday. We had a family tea party at her house, all of the children were there abscess it was lovely. She was quite emotional at times and I felt myself filling up but I was in charge of making the food so I was pretty focused. Just so weird having a party and cooking in dad’s kitchen when he’s not there. There was a lot of laughter and I almost felt guilty for laughing but I know dad loved the sounds of us all messing about and having a laugh and mum finally asked me to take his ashes to her yesterday so dad Was actually there too. 

    I really hope you’re ok Betty, you don’t say what sort of tests you’re having but please message me if I can help even if it’s just being there to talk to you. 

    Fingers crossed we all find the strength to deal with these horrible things, I honestly feel like we do give each other strength on here. Sending love and kisses back Betty. I’m picking up my car today I’m actually excited! I hope you have a nice day too. Xxxxxxxxxxx

  • Offline in reply to MiGi

    Hi Migi haven't heard from you lately, hoping all OK, i can understand you not wanting to use forum with all problems you had. Just call it nosy if you want, just like to know everything is OK. I do worry about people i get to know and like (friends), as i said before hope things are going well.......

    Billy 

  • Offline in reply to Billygoatt

    Hi Billy,

    I remember after my husband died I just could'nt face going on here for a while. Not sure why but just could not face it for a while. Think I wanted to be alone as much as possible. I do hope Migi is Ok, Sending her my love. 

     

  • Offline in reply to Billygoatt

    Hey everyone!

    Thank you so much for thinking of me. Im ok. Ive been struggling with what happened at the hospital when dad died so I finally started counselling on Monday at the hospice. My counsellor was so lovely to me. She said I have PTSD and what im having is flash backs. Im relieved to know theres a name for whats been happening to me but Im so angry that Ive ended up with this and Im just hoping we can clear it as soon as possible because its really unpleasant and it takes me by surprise so a few times Ive been scared to go out on my own in case it happens and obviously no body around me will know whats wrong with me so potentially really embarrasing. Especially when I think we all put our armour on before we go out and try to appear relatively strong and in control! I did tell the counselor I wanted it gone quickly so Im booked in next Monday now and Im having a week in between sessions rather than two weeks. 

    Positive news though, Ive just started my degree in Psychology and Counseling (The irony!) and its very early days but im really enjoying it. Ive wanted to do it for so long and Im hoping that it will focus me and keep my mind occupied so Im not spending my time thinking about what happened so much. Im not in the best place financially so who knows? After this and Ive managed to get a better job I might still be in the running for a pair of gucci shoes AND the matching handbag-theres hope! Haha. 

    All of my children are doing very well, my eldest daughter passed her first year as a student nurse. My son is just gorgeous, he came home for xmas. Hes third year now. The twins are so cute I cant believe how lucky I am. 

    I do feel pretty awful to be totally totally honest. I switched my phone off all week becuse I just didnt want to talk but I put it back on this morning although its out the kitchen Im going to mums and not taking it with me. I just want to be in the house really. 

    But Ive started going on the sun bed a couple of times every week just to lift my mood and its helping. I havent got a tan but I may end up with one which will be a bonus! 

    For me its just like it is for everyone else here. Were all hurt but were all taking things day by day, week by week. Its accepting that things will never be the same but trying to find a new way of living that were ok with I suppose. 

    Sending lots of love to you, seeing your messages was so lovely. What a great start to the day youve made it, thank you. I know how how hard it is so please feel these hugs Im sending to you, lots of them! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  • Offline in reply to MiGi

    Hi Migi, well done seems something going right, thanks for the hugs almost broke my ribs,. If i read it right you're a granny now as well. Congratulations. Hope keep enjoying your course work you need something good to do.. Best wishes..... Xxxxxxx 

    Billy 

  • Offline in reply to Billygoatt

    Hey Billy,

    Not a granny yet! I must have mixed my words up, sorry about that but no grandchildren just yet! My eldest two are career focused, not even in relatioships so itll be a long wait for me to be a granny i think. Although having my little twins is lots of fun so Im not complaining! 

    Haha, I didnt mean to almost break your ribs but to be honest those wre exactly the strength of hugs Im sending you guys. In my darkest hours you kept me going and I love you for it. I cant help anyone on here at the moment because Im too negative towards cancer. Im sure Ill think of some positives one day but right now it still really sucks and the standard of care and support needs a complete over haul. There are too many people like my dad and [@Brien]‍ husband that are being teated in ways that youd go to prison for if you treated an animal in the same way. Im still so angry and upset.

    The healthboard responded to our complaint and got all their dates wrong and refused our request to be sent dads notes so we havent seen dads notes yet but from what we have seen theyve not lookes at the right times and days. They sent me the letter then denied to my advocate they had sent it! i had to take my letter in to her to prove the healthboard had sent it to me and when I did the person my advocate had been speaking to who had denied sending me the letter was the person who had actually signed it! Can you believe it? Its an absolute joke. Im not happy with the response but my advocate lady got a new job at xmas and ive been told by the new advocate that theyre so busy that they cant see me until at least April now to discuss a response to the letter so I feel really helpless and deflated. Id hoped to just get on with it but hey. I just hope theyre not phobbing me of and making me wait until April so that I miss some kind of dead line where they can say its too late or something. I just dont know. Im struggling to focus too because its all so much. But my motheris destroyed. Absolutely gone. She cant handle whart she saw either so I have to see this through. Its Life with a capital L!! 

    More hugs for you but be careful, we dont want you ended up in the hospital, you never know what they might do to you.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  • Offline in reply to MiGi

    Hey Migi just a thought could citizens advice help, might give you a few pointers, or even recommend someone who will do it quicker. Thanks i was very careful with these last hugs. Bet sometimes you could thump something or someone. Good luck......... 

    Billy 

  • Offline in reply to MiGi

    Hi there hunny ..

    Not only does cancer suck .. so does the system ... I'm sure you or your mum has the law on your side for right to see all documents ... if you were rich and could afford a good solicitor,  it would be a different story ... just to stop anyone else going through what your family have would be amazing ...

    Sending you a vertual hug as always... Chrissie xx

  • Offline

    Ho I'm so sorry to hear the distressing news and the aweful experiences you encountered.

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Hey Chrissie!

    Thank you for my hug, really need them at the moment. I wish I could afford a solicitor! My boy is half way through a law degree but no where near qualified and its not going to be his thing anyway. Ive been wracking my brains for ideas on how i could get a solicitor on this but its just not possible. Im going to get on it on Monday and if the advocate cant do anytbig before April I think Ill just do it myself somehow. I just dont want to get it wrong becuse its so important. 

    Its not exactly the same thing but my daughters friend had a traumatic experience on her placement a couple of weeks ago. (At the same hospital dad died at although not the same ward She was left on her own on the ward while all the nurses went to hand over and al of a sudden a patients daughter came out hysterical crying that her dad had died. There was nobody there to help and all she could do was comfort the daughter until the nurses came back. Its wrong. To me its unforgiveable but the more I hear the more my heart sinks. 

    One of the things that Im struggling with is that ive been told in no uncertain terms by the coroner that my dad didnt commit suicide but he said that he "depleted himself of oxygen which accelerated and changed the timing of his death." its just a totally dispespectful play on words as if its some kind of joke. So many people have asked me how dad died and I just havent known what to say so Ive ended up saying "well, he was terminally ill and then he found himself in a position where he felt he had no choice but to sort of kind of in a way sort of give up." Its just ridiculous and confusing. Im really hurt too that the nurse said she was there with us when dad took his mask off. The healthboard said they can only go by what the nurse told them but how sick is it to lie about something like that? 

    Ive written another letter in response and I sent it to the advocate before xmas but I think Ill go through it all myself after the weekend and just send it. Theyve invited us for a meeting but I wanted the notes first and theyve also sent me a form to fill in listing the questions I want answers to at the meeting! So they want to know in advance what Im going to ask so they can rush about and cover up and Im not prepared to attend the meeting on those terms.

    Absolute nightmare but as my dad used to say "We'll get there-wherever 'there' is."

    I hope youre ok though, we just have to keep going!!

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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