Hello everyone, 

I hope everyone is ok here. I’m awake early and thought I’d say hi and tell you a bit about what’s been happening with us. 

We had dad’s funeral. It was on the 21st October. 

Obviously it didn’t go to plan-again I should have known it wouldn’t. The arrangements were really simple. We wanted the service at our local chapel and for my nan and aunt to meet a funeral director there half an hour before we arrived so that they could “decorate” with flowers, candles etc that we had bought for dad to make the chapel more homely. Then we were going to the crematorium for the comital. We met with the speaker and  gave him all the info about dad and had a copy of the CD to confirm the music etc....all was good. 

But then on the day we arrived at the chapel with dad only to find all the guests standing outside in the cold. It turned out the lady with the keys for the chapel had “forgotten” that there was a funeral and they were still trying to get hold of her. So we all continued to wait until apparently 11.15 so we’re half an hour late starting. 

When she arrived with the keys the funeral directors we’re panicking running in and out of the chapel telling me that we couldn’t have this music or that music and that we could no longer go to the crem for the comital as we had missed our slot. 

Unbelievable. So we finally got inside (both nans almost dying themselves from hypothermia by then) and then the speaker (recommended and booked by the funeral directors) started. He got my sons name wrong, then got my dad’s date of birth wrong. He said 1952 instead of 1957 and as I went to tell him he started telling news stories he’d researched from 1952. I couldn’t believe it. Everyone noticed obviously and i just switched off he was red in the face and stuttering. Awful. Embarrassing. 

He announced to the guests that they were no longer invited to attend the crem and they did the comital at the chapel and it just didn’t flow. Outside after the service mum and I were told that we were unable to accompany dad To the crem which we point blank said was not happening. So they let us go. When we got there we walked in and the man asked us what music we wanted. Bearing in mind this was all booked and we’d had a copy of the cd confirming music. We told him and he said he didn’t have it! So we picked something else. They wheeled dad’s coffin in which mum had said when booking she did not want the trolley used but the family members carrying dad weren’t there as they weren’t  Allowed. Some elderly family members were waiting arc the crem for us all to arrive as they weren’t well enough to do the full day. They put dad’s coffin on the shelf thing and walked out. Mum and I just stood there not knowing what to do then when the song finished they came back into get us and that was it. 

It was a mess. 

They then didn’t bring dad’s ashes within a few days like they promised. 9 days later they sent mum a bill. No apology, just the bill. I made a complaint then the next day they brought dad’s ashes but the funeral director put them on the floor and started going on at mum about the fact that we had complained! She was in floods of tears. It was shocking. Mum has paid £1200 of the bill already but there’s still 2400 outstanding. They’ve offered her £180 discount but it’s not the point. I’m fuming. [@davek]‍ has sent me a guide to look through which I’m doing now but it just made a difficult day more stressful as you can imagine. Xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi migi I'm so so sorry for all the(problems)you and your family have been having all the way through, thars loads of things me and plenty of others would like to say but we'd probably get banned from the forum, other people have made a mistake and you family are paying for it, it's completely mad, i can but hope things start going smoothly now you certainly need things to run better now hope you're looking after yourself, hope you're mum is well, best wishes... Billy 

Hey Billy, 

Im sorry for the delay in replying. It’s been two months now and I’m struggling to keep my mood lifted. It’s been a bit hard this week, I can hardly stop thinking about his last hours and what I saw. I’ve been trying really hard to not think about it and to push it away when it comes into my mind but it’s always in my mind and it’s just been a bit overwhelming this week. I’ve been in the house mostly because my little girl is poorly and my car is in the garage so that hasn’t helped but I feel so low. They don’t think about the impact all this horribleness has on the people left behind. I’m really strong but I feel awful at the minute. I keep telling myself to get on with it and not wallow because it does no good but its not easy the last few days. However, from reading what everyone else is going through here it seems like it’s normal to feel like this but it’s horrible. I am ok though!! It’ll all be fine. I hope everyone is ok here too. I don’t think this weather helps. It’s freezing! Xxxxxxxxxx

Hi there ..

Oh my, don't be so hard on your self ... we all have horrible days, for lots of different reasons .. my Lord, I couldn't go through what you have .. I can handle the hard days for me, but when someone I love is having a bad time, it effects me far more ...

You have been through a long drawn out nightmare .. no one could come through what you have, and be o.k .. so once you say to yourself, you have every right to be angry / sad and want to vent at the world and how unfare it's been, you do it .. when I felt like you, I went out in the car, somewhere quiet... thought it out .. and I screamed .. and screamed ... it didn't fix anything, but I felt so much better ... I carried that scream around with me for years after loosing mum ... 

It's funny, once you are kinder to yourself, and tell yourself it's o.k ... it takes a little of the pressure off ...you don't realise just how much you've been through .. your not super human, just human ...  

Now I learned a little trick that helps when you can only think of the saddest times .. you remember the best memory you had of dad, and relive it slowly .. remember what was said, and how it made you feel .. over and over till it pushes those bad memories out ...

Now you think, your dad wasn't cancer, he was the man who helped you walk, watched you go off to school .. grow into a teenager... an saw you change from a girl to a woman .. and that's how he'd want you to remember him .. that's how I want my family to remember me .. not the cancer ... coz cancer wants you to replace those loving wonderful memories to just those cancer caused .. coz then it can claim you as it's victim too .. don't let it .. stick two fingers up to it ... and to those axxx holes who made everything so crule .. they will hurt you all over again every time you think of them, try to let it go .. not for them, for you... nothing more can hurt your daddy now .. he's safely tucked up in your hearts .. 

You did good ... you did more then you give yourself credit for, and I for one are so proud of you ... sending a big vertual hug... Chrissie  

Hi Chrissie, 

Thank you for such a lovely message. I just feel in limbo. I feel like I should be doing something but I don’t know what to do.

I’ve spent the last year focusing on all the stuff that’s been going on and it’s taken up all of our days and nights. There’s been no time to think or anything and now I feel like I’m thinking too much.

Even after he died there was trying to get the coroner to listen, then getting a complaint sent off, then trying to get his body released and then his funeral. It’s been something something something but now nothing.

I saw on the news earlier where some details of a report coming out into a maternity unit in England somewhere has been leaked. They mentioned nurses being unkind and uncaring and failing to care for mothers and babies properly which resulted in deaths of mums, babies and some disabilities that all could have been avoided by the sound of it (I only caught a little bit of it).My dad’s not the only person that’s been failed so badly by the NHS it’s happening all over the place. I don’t know, I found that really upsetting today. Maybe that’s partly why I feel so rubbish tonight. I couldn’t live with myself. I couldn’t be a part of letting that happen. I can’t believe my own dad will end up as a “patients story” as soon as I write it. You hear about these things but you never think it will happen to you. I just have this awful feeling that what happened to my dad happens a lot. I just think it’s so hush hush that we don’t get to hear about it. 

But anyway, I’m ok I’m just letting off steam. I’ve had a bubble bath and coloured my hair, my eldest daughter is off tomorrow (she’s on a placement at the hospital he died at but luckily not on the same ward) so we’re going to hopefully get the car from the garage tomorrow and go out for an hour. I can’t believe how depressing I sound, do NOT let me depress you guys because honestly I’ll be ok in the morning after a sleep. It’s just a difficult week that’s all. Sending hugs and love to Chrissie and everyone here, hugs do help, even virtual ones. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi migi, hope you got the car back (and it didn't cost to much) and you went for a good run with your daughter and got some fresh air hopefully it'll help, chrissie is a lot better with words than i ever will be so I can but hope things start to improve, back to a new normal for you, hope you're mum is settling down OK, don't forget you've plenty of friends on here if you want to talk or just rant and let off steam there'll always be someone to talk to, you did a great job just everyone else was against you well done. God bless.... Billy 

Hi Billy, 

You are brilliant with words, don’t worry about that. And you’re been super supportive to me and I really appreciate it. Thank you. 

I’m feeling a lot better today. My mood lifted a bit yesterday. Thank fully. 

I hope you’re ok. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You have been through a horrendous time and the people who are paid to help you have done nothing. I can understand how frustrating this whole time has been for you and your family. I really hope things start turning around the right way for you from now on. Meanwhile be kind to yourself you deserve it. Lots of love to you and yours. 

Take care

Betty xxx   

Hi Betty, 

Thank you. When I look back it doesn’t seem real. It wasn’t even a year ago yet that dad got diagnosed and it’s just been living and breathing cancer since. Everything we all went through and now nothing. It feels like we’ve been through hell and back. We’re waiting for the health board to respond to our complaint but I know it’ll just be them trying to dismiss it and cover up. 

Im in the same position as you now,knowing that the most awful things happened and having to come to terms with it all. You’re so busy at the time you don’t have time to stop and think so it feels like last week I really started thinking. I feel a lot better now. I’m getting lots of love and support from everyone I know. I am genuinely lucky in that sense. I have three daughters and an older son so you can imagine what it’s like here, just lovely. 

We are all going to Blue stone I think it’s called next Friday for a family weekend away, we’re all going and I can’t wait! It’s going to be nice to treat the girls and have some family time together all of us. I haven’t told the girls yet, I’m not going to until we’re in the car! 

How are you doing at the moment Betty? 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx