Hi VickyD

I noticed your post because of the title. Anticipatory grief is exactly what I feel I am experiencing right now. My Mum has secondary and terminal breast cancer in her bones. After a brave 3 year fight it now looks like there is no further fight to be had and she has gone significantly downhill in the last 2 months.

I don't know how old you are, I'm 32 and I have no idea how I will cope when she is gone. I worry about my Dad, I cry when I think about her not having seen me get married or have children. I cry spontaneously all the time and none of my friends understand. My boyfriend does what he can, but he doesn't understand either. My biggest fear is that I just won't cope when she dies and I panic that I won't be any use to anyone. I feel like I am grieving now, even though she is still here.

It's strange that we both sought comfort through this medium at the same time. After a hard day at work and some further bad news from today's test results I have spent all my Friday night in tears. Lying here now unable to sleep, which is why I sought out these message boards for the first time. 

I don't think I can offer any words of advice, it sounds as if we are in the same position, trying our best to muddle out way through. However, it is considerable comfort to me to know that I am not alone. I hope it is the same for you.

Whilst it is hard to believe when people say it to me, you are stronger than you know. It will be hard, but we will both get through some how.

I hope you're ok xxxx

Hi ladies,

I am in tears reading both your accounts it's so so sad and I too am in a similar position. I feel as though someone is on my chest squashing me and I can't breath. I never planned on being on this site but I'm just laid in bed covered in my own tears and loss of breath. I'm so scared. I'm 33 and I we have just found out my dad has two types of lung cancer. We have been told max 18 months and he is due to start chemo however his health has rapidly declined. He is skin and bone already and we know it's coming so much sooner. 
I am crying everyday, it's only been two months but all this emotion is exhausting. I'm terrified my family is breaking and will never be the same again. I am losing breath at the thought of not doing normal things together ever again. I'm scared for my mum and how she is going to be alone and I'm so worried for my brother and sister who are in their late 20s and who don't seem to have accepted this yet. It's literally takes my breath when I think of the fact we will never just go to get food together normally again as he has no appetite. Never have a drink again. Wow. I just can't even This has come out of no where and I really don't know how I'm supposed to be dealing with it. I came online to look at some 'self help' but everything is about how to grieve once a parent has passed. I feel like I'm grieving now but it's even more cruel as he's still here in some form. Sorry for the lengthy message but somehow I've found myself here in the middle of the night and I'm feeling so alone and scared. Xx

Natalie 

Don't forget to breath, when you feel panicky try and make your outbreaths longer than your inbreaths. Exhale for 7, inhale for 5. The panic will come whether or not you try to stop it so the best thing to do is try and ride it like a wave, let yourself surf along it rather than it crashing down over your head and drowning you. Just keep breathing. 

I posted in this discussion last Christmas, having just received my mum's terminal diagnosis. She passed away this past August, so we have been without her nearly three months to the day. It's pretty bloody terrible, I can't lie to you. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and sometimes every part of my body hurts simultaneously. I feel sad, guilty, lost, depressed, and all the other bad emotions you read about when you read about how to cope with grief. But the one true thing that I didn't think I would feel is the relief that she is no longer suffering, no longer in pain. 

My younger sister has gone back to university, and is so happy to be there amongst friends ans distractions. My father is coping by himself, to an extent, at least the house is very clean and tidy because he has to do it all himself now. Everyone has their different ways of coping. You mentioned that your younger siblings don't seem to have accepted it yet - don't let that worry you. They will, in time, and it isn't your responsibility to make sure they do. Your mother, she won't be alone. By the sounds of it she has three wonderful sons and daughters who will no doubt be there for her, whether at a distance or in person, the emotional support makes all the difference. 

You talk about being emotionally exhausted. Yeah, you will be. I don't think I've ever been this tired. I wake up every morning feeling like I've run a marathon. My brain feels like its functioning at half capacity. That's normal. There will come a time where you will look back on the days of non stop tears and feel calmer, the pain will still be there but it won't consume you. You will be able to view it from a safe distance. I promise. 

I don't know if any of this is helpful. In a rather selfish way it is helpful to me, I feel like I'm addressing this to my past self. I am happy to chat if you feel like it. It might be useful to talk to someone whose experience is so fresh still. 

All my love 

X 

Hi NetalieValance20

I have also found myself here in the middle of the night, I'm finding great comfort in reading other peoples' posts because I feel very alone. I'm 17, my friends, family or teachers don't really know how to speak to me about it. Life just seems cruel. Strangely, I have just noticed that the day you posted on here is actually the day my mum recieved her stage 4 cancer diagnosis, it has been a whirlwind time for all of us these last almost 6 months. It was completely out of nowhere, the tumours in her lungs were actually spotted by accident on a routine scan. I understand your pain right now, it is heartbreaking to watch a loved one suffer. My mum's treatment was stopped because it was too harmful to her body, she had the worst reactions to the 2 rounds she recieved. Unfortunately, the treatment that she did recieve was unsuccessful. I feel that in writing this, it is all becoming more real to me. It's just not fair. Last month she was given 6-9 months. 

I feel like I have been experiencing the grieving process for quite some time now, even though she is still with us. I was worried about my 21 year old sister for a while as she hasn't been as quick to accept this reality, but I think it's really important for us to remember that we all have our own ways to deal with such harsh circumstances. For you and I, maybe anticipatory grief is how we process it all. I find that my own heartache comes in waves, especially when I expect it the least.

I wish I could be more help to you, I hope that maybe my post has helped you feel even a little bit more understood. I also really hope you and your family are doing okay xx

Hi Evalily13,

I am also traveling this journey, on a fast track. After no symptoms my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and was given about 2 months, and that was 1 month ago. I would say we'll be lucky to get that far. I have been grieving from the point if diagnosis. So hard. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. X

Hi Evalily13,

I am also traveling this journey, on a fast track. After no symptoms my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and was given about 2 months, and that was 1 month ago. I would say we'll be lucky to get that far. I have been grieving from the point if diagnosis. So hard. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. X