Hi Ian

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had the answers to how we are supposed to  live our lives when change is forced upon us, for whatever reason.  I consider myself lucky in that my hubby is still with me whereas he is miserable living the life he has been dealt by his cancer even though he is pretty stable at present.  Give yourself more time to adapt (easy for me to say I know) to getting to know the NEW YOU and a NEW PURPOSE.  Just wish there was a magic formula to help us all cope with the lives we lead.   hugs are returned and give the dog a cuddle too (hubby is using friendly neighbours cat  as calming therapy whislt I charge around trying to organise my chores in order of importance for my day off tomorrow and to think my work manager would have liked me to go in!!).  Regards Jules x 

Hi Jules,

Yes I suppose you are right.  Maybe I am expecting too much too soon: its still only 10 months.  It is just the difficulty of enabling appropriate change to take place when I am not sure what it's to be.  I have my routines that have not overly changed and I guess that is perhaps part of the blockage.  It is, as if, I am waiting for something to happen for or to me when I'd prefer if I was being more proactive myself .... but to what end I don't yet know!

Cuddles back from Jack (my collie), Ian xxx

Good morning Ian,

I have been watching your posts recently, (too tired to join in) and been interested very much in what you have been saying.

It must be very difficult realising that you have to go forward but not knowing which way forward you want /need to go...!!

Change is a very difficult thing to accept, especially as we get older.

I have recently realised that my husband and I have got into a few routines that are not made by being proactive, they have just occured!!

So is it time to change them before we find it too hard?? and is there any other reason to change them??

Like you I recognise that I too have a blockage with the past and pain, getting rid of things from my past is really difficult, but to move forward i think it's necessary.

Well I hope you have a positive day today Ian, I have two cottages to clean and prepare so will be back to catch up this evening

best wishes,

Annabel.

Hi Annabel,

It was really nice to get your post.  I find this site so helpful. It's my therapy! Thank you for your reflections.  Unlike my kids (grown up adults: 29 and nearly 31) I have not had any post trauma counselling ... My problem is I have worked with top counsellor trainers, in the past, and find it hard now to be subject to the process without seeing it from a far.  Although I do know the benefits. However, now I've said that, I wonder, if I'd found a good counsellor whether it may have helped me focus on this New World of mine? .....though somehow I doubt it.

That's my challenge. Only I can resolve it by making choices and taking action .... though which choice and what action is not so clear to me at the moment!  I am very lucky that I have done so much in my life and achieved more than I could ever been expected to have.  I do appreciate that ... and would like to contribute more but what?  I love living, but am at a cross roads: too many choices to chose from, on the one hand, but no purposeful direction I want to move in on the other.... and I suppose my greatest fear is wasting time!  This is a strange process nothing quite like what I had expected - although I was aware of and familiar with the bereavement cycle theoretically.

Any way, in relation to your thoughts Annabel, I know now, better than ever, how the pain and the problems (the junk) we take along life with us can and does become a constraint to the the full happiness we can have.  So, please do make changes; if for the better; and resolve any un-addressed issues if you can - then move on.  It's not as if I had many issues with my late wife.  We were very happy for the 34 and half years of marriage we had, but there were some topics that took us longer to resolve - on reflection - than I now wish had been the case.

Lots of virtual love

Ian x

...on some days .... like today, the enormity of my loss is momentarily over whelming....then I take stock and get on.

Afternoon Ian,

Indeed and that shows how big a loss yours is. But as you say you take stock and get on and that is because you have to.

It is cruel but as they say life goes on.

In this instance Ian it is your life that goes on and even though you don't know how to do it without you life long partner it still goes on.

So the mundane things of routine and everyday life keep us on the straight and narrow.

Eventually there is a glimmer, a spark that can make you smile and remember with love and gladness.

Don't forget what you had not everyone gets a chance to have.

You are lucky, you are lovely,

Hugs

Annabel. xx

Hi Haff,  I have spoken to you once before and just noticed from your post that you are feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of your loss at the moment.  These moments catch us totally off-guard sometimes don't they?  It happened to me today walking through a shopping centre, I felt overwhelmed by the loss of my Mum and Dad (2 months ago and 7 months ago) and had to hide my tears because I thought everybody would think I was mad.  I expect these moments will always happen for those of us who have lost our loved ones and we just have to feel the pain and somehow as you say, take stock and carry on.  I wish I could get off the grief roller-coaster, as I am sure you do too, but I think there is still a long way to go.  Take care.  Hope23 x

Hi Ian

I haven't written for a while but I do assure you that I read all the posts and your post went straight to my heart like you I feel the enormity of my loss and it overwhelms me so that I just sit and cry then I wipe my eyes and like you take stock and get on, but isn't it hard and what with Christmas coming and me and my lovely David just loved the build up but sadly it's not to be this year.  I do feel your pain Ian and my heart goes out to you I am only hoping that this awful feeling that we feel inside called grief goes easier in time.

Thinking of you

Beryl xx

Dear Annabel, Hope and Beryl,

Thank you for your kind words (which did make me cry)....It is amazing how good it is to know others understand.... really understand ... what I am experiencing.  Sharing these feelings somehow makes my upset more acceptable ~ and I feel sort of more validated to myself for feeling them.

Lots of virtual hugs and kisses all round.  Thank you kind friends.

Ian xxx

P.S.  and I feel the same Beryl.  If you have read 'Debbies Thoughts ....' tagged on the first entry, you will know how special Christmas was to her and I have my first to cross this year too.xx

Hi Ian

Yes I did read Debbie's thoughts and she touched my heart in so many ways she was a very courageous lady and I am sure you are very proud to have had this wonderful girl in your life.  I am sure your lovely Debbie and my lovely David will guide us through this somehow.  On a lighter note my family and friends used to call my lovely David Mr Christmas as he loved it so much the bungalow was like a grotto so I have decided I am going to do the same this year. 

Thinking of you Ian and I can feel your pain it is agony.

Take care thinking of you

Beryl xxx