Hi Ian

Thanks for the crossed fingers and kind thoughts.  Just to let you know hubby had check up this morning and he is still stable so no change required in medication.  He has been experiencing some muscle stiffness in his shoulder but the latest scan shows no spread (cancer still contained within the lung membranes and the chemo treatment he had end of  last year still seems to be holding growth back PHEW!!!! ) For the muscles they have referred him to the local centre for physio and aromatherapy ( you should have seen his face when they said he could come home 'smelling of roses') - these treatments are offered at the hospice day centre and I was amazed when he said YES no problem (but also really pleased that at last he is accepting some help along the way).

Well done with the grass mowing (our lawn was too wet before and definitely soggy now!!!).  Luckily only a lost dustbin lid and rubbish all over the front garden for ourselves but several trees down locally.  We were actually at my son's for dinner for the evening (got a lift with his girlfriend's parents) and the drive home was somewhat waterlogged but think we actually got off lightly.  How was it for you? Not too bad I hope.

Take care.  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

I had 50 hours without electricity up to last night!  So got very bored and fed up!  Also two minor leaks in the house but solvable.

So glad your hubby is now taking the offered treatment with greater ... if that's the word?? ... enthusiasm. Sounds as if they may have got control of things.  The pains maybe latent stress?  I know I have had a swollen neck for three evenings since cutting my daughters lawn.  Serves me right for over doing it again!!

Lots of love

Ian x

Hi Ian

Infuriating to be without power - do hope it is now okay.  We take it so much for granted when we have power. Lets face it there is not much you can do by candlelight for that length of time.   Sorry you are 'leaking' but hope you have the sunshine today which may help you with getting them fixed.  We had our roof looked over and repaired in the summer thank goodness though must say the gutters struggled for a while!!  We have had our first frost this morning but it did look lovely.

Hubby certainly more relaxed by time we got home from his check up(and quick visiit to our daughters) as he actually asked for lunch (bacon and egg) and later ate all his dinner (rare just recently).  His biggest sadness revolves about retirement(loss of earning power too!!) and when the consultant asked if there was anything else she could help him with, his prompt answer was FIND ME A JOB.  She just looked at us and raised her eyebrows.  Hey ho!!!!

Sounds like you put far too much effort into mowing the lawn and have paid a painful price.  Do take care and hope all is back to normal soon.

I have, in theory. a free day today for myself so am going to try and finish the  present shopping and then put my feet up. We are taking our daughter (and baby) out to lunch tomorrow as our son is taking his nephew out for the day.  He has been so good since his little brother arrived (can't believe he was two weeks old yesterday) that he is being given a treat and is very excited.

Hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel and that you have a peaceful weekend.  kind regards Jules xx

Thanks Jules,

Been in court all day which was a bit frustrating.  I understand where your hubby is coming from, my Debbie was the same: We define ourselves very much by what we do and your hubby is clearly, and understandably, frustrated by his forced change in role.  I feel for him but hope in time he will see New Horizons for his time and can redefine himself positively toward them.

Kind regards

Ian x

Thanks for your kind words Ian.  Though he still does not do the 'talking about things' I think hubby is just the same as his Father was (died two years after retirement).  When he was in the home environment he did nothing but sit in front of the tv and the house was the woman's domain.  They do say you should look at the parents of the one you love and you will see your future but who ever listens to that!!!  A good positive though is that he is accepting social invites to events in the months ahead and actually believing he may get to them which is a change in attitude and now that his check up is out of the way again, his eating has picked up which just proves how stressful those appointments are.

  Anyway have listened to those around me (especially my daughter) and now I get on and do what I need to do and just let him know what I am doing.  If he wants to come with me he will say so.  Can't blame him not wanting to go shopping for gifts so he stayed in yesterday. Today we are taking our daughter out for lunch (eldest grandson going out with his aunt and uncle as a treat for being so helpful and good since the birth of his little brother) just to give her a bit of a treat. Gave her the choice of venue and are now looking forward to lunch at............................A WIMPY.  Still prefer that to McDonalds!!!  Think its because she has been eating really healthily and watching her diet during pregnancy and now just wants 'normal' but it did make me laugh.

Hope today not so frustrating for you.  Bet you enjoyed walking the dog after being in court all day!   Take care of yourself my virtual friend and sending good wishes. Jules x

Hi Jules,

Wimpy!  Yes that's so typical!

I've been catching up on my monthly invoices today!  But its been a better day than of late .

No, I don't need to dog walk after court as I have a friend - with a farm nearby and two collies - and my Jack spends the day with them when I'm in court. When I collect him he's exhausted!

I was realizing today that you have to have lost someone that you love very much to really, fully appreciate the famous picture: The Scream by Edvard Munch.  I find I often silently scream, as in the picture, to exhale my inner pain for my lose!

Good wishes in return,

Ian xx

Dear All

....I've been thinking it is interesting the experience of the 'ebb and flow' of recovering from bereavement.  The ups and downs.  The becoming (in the Munch sense) 'screamed out' and ready to move on again!  For it is the awareness of coping and moving on, within the context of a greater awareness of death, that makes each single moment so much more precious and yet somehow abstracted: more significant and yet also "what's the point?"

This is certainly a roller coaster of emotions and experiences.

Love to all

Ian x

......But either which way I feel: I am a live!.  As such my future is in living. I have a life to live; a future to live.  I just need to find a purposeful way of planning this New World in which to live it!....though it is this that is not such an easy task, I am afraid, for those coping with the cost of cancer....

Kind thoughts to all

Ian x

Hi Ian,

Sounds like you have been in reflective mood and you do have a lovely way of expressing yourself.  Reading between the lines think it must be very difficult to move onto a new life which you have not chosen when its so hard letting go of the old one which you still want back.  My Mum used to say that moving on was a chore she could do without and I think when my Dad died she carried on living much the same  but doing it for both of them as she re-visited most of their holiday haunts and made his friends hers when she could be bothered. Nowadays she sadly not bothered about much at all but suspect her head is full of what has gone before.  She rarely speaks of my Dad unless I do but I will visit her tomorrow as the week surrounding Rememberance Day was a very important time for my Dad  and she will always want a poppy to wear.  I have mine and bought hers at the same time so will be able to pin it on for her.  Such sadness cannot be measured or cured but she says its quiet acceptance and thats what my Dad would want for her.

Take care my virtual friend and when you find you can, enjoy the life you are being blessed with.  Peaceful thoughts. Jules

Hi Jules,

Thanks for sharing that about your Mum.

I think the issue for me is one of identity and purpose in this New World.  The former is difficult to find without the latter which I don't feel I have got anywhere near to as yet!

Virtual hugs

Ian xx