Hi Gioux,

Sorry don't know your husbands cancer type but mine had oral cancer and towards the end he too became very weak, finding it difficult to walk.  In a matter of days he was then unable to even stand up and support his weight.  When he came became weak with the walking difficulty nobody told me that this was a bad sign and that the chemo was obviously not working.  It had been stopped because of other chest problems, but I so so wish they had told me the truth.  If I had known I would have wheeled him around wherever he wanted to go just so that I knew we had done everything we possibly could in that last part of his life becuase at least he was lucid and knew what was going on around him.  It was only when a hospice doctor saw him after four days and saw the detoriation, in his mind as well as his body by then,  that they said he could not stay at home any longer and needed to go into the hospice.  He went into the hospice on the Thursday and had various tests carried out, we were told the following day he perhaps might have another week or so but like everything else it could be a lot longer or shorter than that as everybody is different.  He was never conscious in the hospice, when we took him in, he didn't know where he was  and I'm not even sure he knew who I was by then.  The doctors did their best to try to bring around but it never happened.  I really really wanted to speak to him again but it never happened so please, please say everything you want to say while you still can, say it today, say it tomorrow and I hope you have even more tomorrows and don't have to live with the regrets that I have.  Life is okay it's the dying that is cruel, as you say watching a once once proud, stong man turn into a shadow of himself is a horrible thing to have to do but at least you have been there every step of the way, supporting him through whatever treatments he has had, helping him just by being there.  I went to see the oncologist after my husband passed away as we had still been waiting for some scan results and one of the things that she said was that I was always there at all of his appointments, for all of his chemo cessions 8.00 / 17.00hrs once a week! etc etc and that he was fortunate for that as a lot of people of have nobody to help them through this and always be by their side.

Sorry if I'm rambling a bit, seem to be coping a lot better than I was, he passed in July but just got very upset again writing this.  Some days are okay, other not so and the nights are long.,..,..,

Just make the most of what little time you have left together please and take care of yourself as I know that the carer is often the forgotten one in this whole sorry process.  Hopefully you have other family or friends around you to help out.

Take care

Poppy

Sorry to read what you are going through, we found out last Thursday (8 Nov) that my Dad had cancer and told it couldn't be treated. He came home from hospital this Thursday after been told on Tuesday they didn't think he would last a week. It is the worst thing in I the world to watch someone you love fade away in front of you. I'm like you just waiting and hoping he will stay with us as long as possible

Hi Gioux

I'm so sorry to hear you are both near the end of your husband's life.  I was just in the kitchen getting our breakfast ready and it doesn't take long these days because Ian eats like a sparrow now.  I saw your post and decided before I take my food to the bedroom to eat with Ian, I wanted to just say hello and say how sad I am for you. 

I just can't see how a person can possibly "prepare" for the loss of a beloved life's partner.  The health professionals, counsellors etc. all can advise us - reading out of their manuals on supporting the soon-to-be-bereaved - but do they really believe we can be "prepared."  I have been told by our Cancer Society visitor (we have a volunteer system in NZ) that the shock will be immense and she should know - her husband died within three months of being diagnosed with a brain tumor.  So she is one person who I listen to.  Knowing your husband was going to die is one thing isn't it Gioux - watching it actually happening must be tearing you apart.  Of course you don't want your darling to leave you - I don't want Ian to leave me either - but one small comfort I have is that he wouldn't choose to and neither would your husband.  If it wasn't for this awful disease they would choose to stay by our sides forever.  In some little way the women whose husbands run off with another woman have it really tough - they know their husband choose someone else and another, more attractive life.  Our men love US!! and would be with US!! for decades more if only this disease hadn't got a grip on their bodies.

You don't need me to say "treasure every moment, every second with your husband."  You know that.  One of the hardest parts of being a realist and seeing where this journey is taking us both is knowing exactly what's happening and dreading it.  There are days when I envy the carers who are in denial - although they must suffer terribly when they realise they wasted opportunities for honesty and openness with their partner.

Oh Gioux, I am crying for you and I am crying for me.......  Take care of yourself and your man.  Make his last days as happy and gentle and loved as you can.

Lorraine

Just wanted to say, thinking of you all xxxxx

Hi gioux

Your post brought Back to me when my dad was dying age 47 when I was 24 a few years ago now!! He wanted everyone to carry on as normal as possible and wanted quality rather than quantity so refused chemo to giv him a little more time. He didn't want to talk about it much and never said goobye!! I remember like you thinking how cruel it was to know he was going to die.

He had a good couple of months until he was bed ridden for about two three weeks and I helped to nurse him with my mum. He was on a lot of painkillers and unconsious for the last week or so or most of the time at least!!

My mum who was not a drinker then or since sipped whisky!!! Never drunk just sipped slowly all the time!! Although I'm not sure that's a very healthy thing to tell u that's what she did and for quite a few days after he died. I remember the dya she announced that she needed to let go of her crutch now!!and she did!! Has not really touched a drop since!! I think it took the edge off for her just enough to help her keep going!

I cried alot!! Could see his funeral flashing before me and feeling guilty for 'waiting'. When I was a little girl I used to hang on to my fathers leg when he was going out always wanting to go with him that's how I felt again! And I swore at comments like let's hope it's quick from relatives!! It was quick!! But everythings relative isn't it!! I understand and am glad for that now but not then. Nothing couldv prepared me for the day he died it still hurts sometimes when I think about it- it took years to learn to live with that pain!! I don't think a loved one could ever live long enough or a death be satisfactory!!

I am 47 now and have cancer although my prognosis is much better than my poor father. I understand now about hanging on to normality wanting quality not quuantity. Most of all I understand he didn't say goodbye because he couldn't or wouldn't!!! Good for him!!! I am glad he didn't suffer too long for him!!

It's never going to be easy or not hard we can only prepare for what me be instore on the journey- no more! And get through the best way each of us know how!! And you will too Hun and share it with us I hope there'd be something wrong with you if it wasn't hard eh!!?

I told my dad I loved him and he told me that's the most important thing!!

Big Hugs to you!! Ann x

A Bi

I am now

THANK_YOU,s EVERYONE, your lovely kind words fill me with warmth, I,m so sorry for all of you who have lost a loved one it is so hard knowning you have to let them go when all you what is to keep them by your side. Lorraine your situation it very much like my & I can see how hard it is for you , I,m sure like me you keep hugging Ian & telling him how much you love him, I feel thats all I can do now & just be there. I can see he his getting weaker now 7 it breaks my heart to see him like this.

It helps so much knowing people know how I feel & share there thoughts with me, as family & friends never can unless they to have lost someone they love. I try & be as happy as I can for him even though I know he,ll know the truth that in side my heart is breaking.

I don,t know what I,m going to be like after he as gone  but I,v told him I,m going to make him proud & be strong and try to make the best of the rest of my life. I say this as I know how much he worry,s about leaving me on my own & I don,t want him to worry.

He,s not in pain at the moment & I hope it stays that way he has suffered so much I don,t want him to suffer any more.

Thank-you all again for your lovely kind words it helps be cope in this horrid place I find myself in.

Love to all Gioux xxx

I've just lost my husband.  He died in June after 3 1/2 years fight.  He was only expected to last 2 1/2 months.  No matter how long you have them with you it is never enough.  I had got to the stage where I thought I would have him with me for even longer then suddenly the cancer attacked his one remaining kidney and I lost him within a week of him becoming very ill.  I do feel for you, it is so hard to accept but we all live in hope of miracles and we must all keep on hoping that every loved one that is lost will give the doctors and scientists more insight to the disease and hope for a cure.  Be brave for him.

I'll be thinking of you.

Olivia

So sorry Olivia for your loss, I know soon I will be in the same place you are right now as June was not long ago & I know you will be missing your husband so much every day. You were lucky you had him longer than they said I,m pleased you did, we also think we have had more time than some people get so feel lucky for that, but yes we still hope for more & more time together. We were sat chatting in bed this morning & I said I wanted to grow old together & was so looking forward to it, he said the same, but that as been taken from us in such a cruel way. I take each day we have now & make the most of what we have & tell him all the time how much I love him & kiss him as soon I know I won,t be able to do it. Thank,s for your message it means a lot Gioux x

hi i,m new on here i just wanted to say i,m sorry ..your story brought tears to my eyes ..good luck ..tel