Dear Tanya

How's the world treating you?

I'm hoping you'll have had a little of the food you've been mentioning, and discovered more of the 'little things' you were writing.

Kathy

Hello Tanya,

Still thinking about you and wondering how things are with you, hoping that you are comfortable & that your pain is under control. With much love from skyblue xxxx

Hey TT,

Sorry I have not been about much of late but trying to get my pain under control....

Still hoping and praying for less pain for you dear friend!

Much Love

T xx

Dear Tanya,

Still thinking of you...

Kathy

It may be possible because some boys and girls are now becoming missellious mistake manners for eg. smoking, drinking alcohol, and the last one is sexual abuse so that their health and care life style is deviated.

Please kindly send and share to me regarding the incidence rate and causes of oral cancer and in addition to the prevention and treatment of oral cancer. In Myanmar, the incidence rates of oral cancer is significantly increased.

It was just over a week ago, I had (yet again) uncontrolled pain & vomiting.  I tried everything I knew to do with what I have here at home to no avail.  I called my Team; it took a half an hour for them to call back and another hour to arrive.  I had started dealing with this since just after the noon hour, it was a tad after 3pm when she arrived.  By then I was ready to gouge my own eyes out!  I rocked back and forth in my bed trying to find some sort of comfort; nothing, this time the pain said "sorry about your luck."

I discovered this nurse was the supervising nurse, good!  Now maybe they will understand how rotten this pain truly is!  She sat on the closed toilet seat, mere steps away from my bed, making her phone calls to the Physician, to the pharmacy, to this person, to that person; at that point, words came out of my mouth I never thought I could ever say to a stranger unless of course they had it coming. Because it felt as though she was doing nothing! I wanted (& felt I truly could have) to pick up my tv and throw it at her!  "DO SOMETHING!!"  I was beyond tears at this point.  When the Dr. was finally done with his dinner or whatever was so important for "us" to wait so long, they asked if I wanted Continuous Care....(Oh God, is this IT?  I'm going to die this painful death?  How on Earth do I deserve all of this?)  She told me that 2 nurses would come in for as long as it may take, to get your symptoms under control, I asked, "Is this it?"  She quickly said "No."  Yes!  Send them in!  Its going to take another hour and a half for them to get here......Gathering thier supplies, the drive, etc. Oh my God, I can NOT wait another 2 hours!  I ended up back into the hospital, the 1st responders came before the ambulance, I don't want to put any of you into the bathroom after reading this next bit but I need you to understand how badly this was; the main 1st responder was trying to put oxygen on me telling me it will help calm things down, I was vomitting so violently (yet nothing was coming up) that it was stealing my breath, my voice, I was literally unable to tell this nice man "Not yet, unless you would like to wear what may come up." finally he figured out that he should wait until I can speak again.....These people are really starting to get to know me that's for sure.  I.V. meds administered, I'm calm, not yanking at my covers nor wanting to gouge my eyes out.....The nurse that was with me through this "episode" stayed with me while I found my comfort zone.  I told her this is all it ever takes is an IV & I'm alrite again.  When the Dr. came in they both spoke of my getting a picc line, that way, I always have quick access to the same meds I received at the hospital.I am currently on continual meds, I wear the 72 hour pain patch but because I have zero body fat, there is no storage area for this medication so it wears off much sooner.

That night, after getting everything under control, I began to think; this episode I went through was/is/are withdrawls and not one professional person that saw me could see it.  Thinking on the picc line while I laid there with 9 warm blankets over me, I felt once more, this is another thing I must learn to accept....one step closer to thee end....However, let's say the picc line is in place; what if????  What if something goes wrong with this thing while I'm home?  I am getting too much medication, it is not working well with another medication I take?  It will take them, we might as well say, 2 hours to get here.....ALOT can happen in 2 hours.....I brought this up to the nurse that originally mentioned/agreed with the attending Dr., she knew I certainly have a valid point.

Thus far, nothing has changed with my meds.  I did learn that on that last day my patch may "run out" to take more morphine on that day (I change my patches in the evenings) to prevent falling into that wicked cycle; I'm tired of the hospital.....God and His wonderful angels must certainly be holding my hand and giving me that knowledge to manipulate my medications to work for me instead of against me.

That was a Sunday I had went into the hospital, for the next couple of days I had people calling me, texting me, even the one friend that ditched me back in August; I scratched my head, what's going on here?  This isn't the 1st time I've went to the hospital for this?  I called my Mother, she started to get choked up and told me that she had spoken with the nurse that was with me that evening in the hospital and she told my Mother that I have a week to live!!!  How dare they!!!!  Especially when I ASKED that very same nurse "Is this IT?" and she said no??  No wonder I was hearing from people that had me buried months ago!  I'm not one to sit back idley and do NOTHING.  I called and asked her why she was telling my Mother I was going to die in a week as this now has the entire population of mine in a tizzy!?  She told me that my Mother misunderstood the conversation, she was only explaining how the picc line worked.....As we all know, the truth ALWAYS comes out;  I had my social worker visit this past Friday and she did say, "Yes, she did tell your Mom that after they insert the picc line, I will have about a week to live." I said, "WHY???" she replied, "We have never seen anyone with those symptoms make it past a week.".......Well you have now haven't you?  I have had these episodes since November!......My Mother is not a young woman and has her own health issues, I just can't believe how easily they would throw that out there!  My labs, once again, we beautiful, shouldnt that say something??

I did give my Mother a "Daughterly tounge lashing" for calling everyone on God's creation based on the opinion of a nurse, not the Physician.  One very good thing came out of this circus act though, we all have "friends", we all have that one friend that steals our energy no matter how breifly you are with them; friends that always make you laugh; I call them the funny friends; friends that have dramatic lives; that one friend that you tell everything to, and what I like to call, the food friend.  As all of you know, none of those friends wanted to be in my life....until my Mom made alllll of those phone calls......Which friend you ask?  Ahhhh, your all going to love the irony in this one......My Food~Friend :-)  it took me 7 months to realise why I had been losing so much weight (at the time of the last hospital visit, I weighed 105, thats bones for me)  because my food friend was gone, we would see one another and food would always come to mind, let's try this new restaurant, hey, I'm hungry for this or that, let's go get a burger and fries here and then we can shop here or there.  My food friend was gone and she took my appetite with her, I did the same as she too has lost weight.  Since the day she came over, I have indeed had that NY strip steak on the grill, that loaded grilled potato, I even created a grilled green bean side that was amazing!  I've also had my cheesy ranch burgers and (not quite) burnt to a crisp hot dogs from the grill.  I've made cookies & brownies, ahh the list could go on.....

When she walked in the door, it was as though that other part of me was found.  I then of course began to think, "Maybe this is what I am supossed to do, find that other part of me & then peacefully die in my sleep that very evening I saw her"..... I'm obviously not typing from the ground & how thankful I am to have her back.  Although I don't have nearly the energy to go out & try those new restaurants, she understands that now.  I have her, we have words spoken between us that are very heartfelt that were never spoken before.  Let's face it, talking about your love for someone & how they have touched your life & how much better of a person I am for knowing her, are not easy things to say when those two people are as bullheaded as it gets & death's door is just waiting for me to knock on..... Although I know she will never see this thread, she is the meaning of friend.  She would drive 5000 miles to see me, she would go to jail on my behalf, if I chose to do something in my life she absolutely disbelieved in & I couldn't do it alone, she would set aside her own feelings just so I wouldnt be alone, and as an added bonus, she would never judge me for it nor love me any less.... I wish everyone had at least one friend like her.......You wouldn't need any other friend as she fills any void you thought you had.  I am so blessed....

The lesson for me, and perhaps many of you is; what friend have you walked away from or they walked away from you, that also took something that is so very important to you with them?  Because I guarantee, they have lost that same value in their life as well......

I send you all my fragile hugs & am sharing those Angels to those who are also troubled with pain.

God Bless

Thanks for sharing, love and hugs, Stephen

Again, the message seems a bit too lengthy for someone given 1 week.