.....Not liking the computer problems...... <----------think I saw a flyer out the other day.

I had this horrific pain from the top of my right ear, over to the middle of my skull, down to my shoulder blade & over to my collar bone; as I've learned throughout this journey, when a new tumor is about to emerge, there is a 3 day knock me down in bed bringing me to tears toothache burning type of pain near the area where the new tumor is discovered a week or so later....  That pain hit Friday and finally subsided on Monday, I'm still looking for that tumor & quite concerned that the pain effected a good portion on my head-I dont know, maybe I need a brain tumor to knock me out of my own thoughts, make it easier to stop trying to figure out how to do this, how to die..... I've tried holding my breath, I know, it sounds bad, obviously, that didn't work.  I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, as though I am just shy of suicide; certainly not, its the "Lonely Limbo" that brings me to this reasonable "acceptance".

   I'm not "clinically" depressed, they make pills for people who have a chemical imbalance, not for Life's imbalance, I can still bring a smile to faces & even make myself laugh to tears ....I was never promised a rose garden.....

   As I am still struggling with computer issues, please know I am still here (Kathy, bless your heart) So bare with me, my computer seems to be having a mind of its own these past couple of weeks....

   I promise to write from the heart that will drawwwwww you in to my writing as soon as everything is well & good with my technology.

Terminal~Still

almost forgot.....She takes a deeeeep breath.....& like the Moon can punch its way through a cloud.....*cough cough*

Dearest Tanya,

I hope you're doing well.  I don't like your pain in the head, but the cough was good (thanks).

I said I didn't know that 'acceptance' of death you write about.  I think I lied.  I have knowledge of what you've told me; that there are end of life processes going on.  I accept that knowledge.  I have an example of the disbelief in death that humans show, though:  how many times have you heard of someone saying 'I knew they were ill, but when they died it was such a shock.'

All our lives we know we can't live on the premise that people will die.  Imagine if we did, we'd be saying "Oh, let that man win this business deal.  He might get run over by a bus tomorrow." Or the bus driver who usually takes fares would be saying "I can't take his fare.  This may be his last time on a bus."  You know what I mean?  I saw a TV programme  about a Texan prison. A man on death row was interviewed and said that one of the reasons he didn't want to be executed by lethal injection was because the amount of meds he would receive would be enough to execute a 160 pound man.  The man being interviewed was over two hundred pounds.  Hearing this man, I wondered why he hadn't gone on a diet.  He'd been there long enough.  Then I realised that for all of us death belongs to tomorrow, which never comes.  Just because the man was on death row, and the table where he would receive a lethal injection was down the hall, it didn't matter. I think acceptance means something I don't know, until I have to consider it.

For me, you'll always be terminal but not.  You know what I'm saying there.  You've written some humerous posts, and I admit, sometimes I've been ashamed of being down.  Particularly when I've asked you to write something that takes me out of myself.  It's amazing what we do to preserve ourselves though.

Another request, Tanya.  Do you think you could send some positive thoughts to Tony Song (thanks in advance)?

Take care.

Kathy

Hey T,

How goes it?  Just had a spot of scrambled eggs on toast and thought of you - strange huh! Well not really as I really enjoyed it and just remember you making my mouth water when talking about food...

What's the weather like - It is absolutely gorgeous here...I am looking out of my window... Grrrr I tried to take a photo and insert a picture on here but it said it was not of the type...I wonder what there was offensive about the skyline anyway I will email it to you!

Soooo, how about a poem from you as not had one in a while specifically and specially for me!

Let me know how its going?

Cheers

T xx

Dear Tanya,

I hope you've got a nurse who was a computer repairperson in a former life, because that can be the only reason you're not writing (I hope).

'Till you do write, take care.

Kathy

Dear Tanya,

You said that miracles happen.  Well, that cough you sent,  was that a miracle?  If your computer worked always, would that be a miracle?  It would be to me.  Write soon.

Kathy

Dear Tanya,

How're things going with you?

Kathy

Dear Tanya,

The last time you posted a message, you ended by saying you were waiting for some truths.

Have you heard them and decided not to tell, which could account for you being so quiet.

It's time to share...

Kathy

As the old saying goes; "The truth hurts".... Probably why I really havent searched far & wide to find out. The holidays make me sad, I'm in the damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.  If I don't, I get left out, if I do, nobody helps me pull it off.... Last Christmas, which according to my Dr. would be my last, I was stuck cooking for everyone, all they could say was, "Is it done yet?  What's taking so long?" & I love my neice & nephew however, its the parents that could care less if I accidently spilled boiling water on them because they were under my feet the whole time, twin 2 year olds don't know any better.  I don't want to be alone for the holidays, because "Woo-Whoo" I proved the Dr. wrong!!  We all should be celebrating!!! No?  Apparently not. I heard word today that my brother is "having a whole bunch of people over"....But not me.

I weighed myself today, not what I had expected to see but part of this long *** road.  When will this end?  Am I supposed to help it along?  I can lay my head down for the evening & say, "There is nothing I want, nothing I wish to buy, my life feels complete." leaving out the fact I can lead these horses that evade me to water but can not make them drink, isn't it time?  I have reached what most people can never say....I want nothing more.... This could be up to me, I have enough "stuff" to do it, so why wait?  So my family & use-to-be friends don't have that uncomfortable Holiday memory?  When is a good time to die? A weekend when most are off work, certainly not the Holidays as that would mess up too many people's plans.....Maybe I'm not close enough to God to understand what I am supposed to feel or think, maybe someone out there won't let me go.  Same old song & dance,,,,,,

I still haven't found the 2 lurking tumors I had the pain for, but with this excessive weight loss, I'm pretty positive they are alive & well.....Somewhere.  Cancer...You have cancer; your terminally ill; you need to enroll in Hospice; eat your last meal like a prisoner on death row; you have 6 months to a year to live; all quite shocking, but as time wears on, 17 months of those very same thoughts, I think I am becoming desensatized.  Like most monkey's on your back, you get used to them being there, pulliing your hair................

I am now able to get online with my laptop while the desktop is off (yesssss)  Not sure how I made that happen, maybe its just a miracle.....

I don't much feel like dumping my sad thoughts or lack of living more than what I have, on anyone here today; sadly, its just getting worse, at a slowwwwwwww rate but all the same, happening.  I do hope I get this burst of creative thought & am able to share it with everyone who visits here......