...Funny you say that; that is what happened! Not sure why but my system kept rebooting all on its own, over & over, had I had the strength; I would have tossed it out the window!! I do try to at least write on Sunday's but my computer just didn't want me too....

...I have nothing imaginary in my thoughts this morning, no great words of the Wise, life has been full of much sleep & plenty of odd dreams~I do understand the "smothering" that was stated earlier; I would give almost anything to have that, being alone can harm a person in these circumstances; however, we always want what we do not have; people who have curly hair want straight hair, people who have straight hair want curly hair....I want "wavy"......

Maybe my next entry will be the best I've ever written....Until then my Friends, I am still amongst the living

God Speed My Tony & Kathy`oh ye of great persistance wink & Thank You for the hand that lifts my head comments to all, Lord knows I do so need that in this Journey of mine......

Terminal (Aren't we all??)

Hey TT,

Good to hear from you...send me a mail as need to chat

How's the gourmet cooking going and have you been out in the car lately?

Today I am up in my bedroom typing this with the sun streaming through the window (yes it does get sunny in England sometimes) - It is also quite cold which I love the combination of cold air and sunshine.

I have a week off work and not doing much so far - my aim was to clear the shed/garage out ready for my baby to come home but will get round to that tomorrow - I have to strengthen the floor as she ways a bit...

Much love dear friend

T xx

Dear Tanya,

So we don't have to put the flyers out. Thank the Lord.

I've been thinking how I have watched you grow with your learning and wise words.

No, physical strength is not yours, but you show a strength of mind I don't yet understand.

You wrote of questions you needed the answers to. Well, you didn't say what questions you had, maybe because you didn't want to hear the answers, or maybe because the answers were always there for you.

I understand that smothing would be an attractive thought for you, and that all the posts on this site can't replace that for you. You know, though, that it's what we do, Tanya? Believe me when I say that I don't need to see a written entry from you or be waiting for one to think of how you're faring.

Best wishes

Kathy

Salutations~

I say its those "truths" that are bearing down on me more than questions; truths that the few people I do have contact with believe that maybe I can't handle...I've been honest & think my being truthful has alienated all that were around me. Just yesterday I had yet another friend, one that I really felt in my soul would be there until the end, tell me that her life is too dramatic right now and therefore can not be in contact until her life settles down......My RN visited today; I told her the sad story (feeling as though I have been burying my friends, not them burying me throughout this Journey) RN said, "Look at all she is missing out on, all the things she doesn't see, you can be at your worst Tanya, and can STILL make me laugh, perhaps she enjoys the misery." Upon passing that subject and discussing the new meds they will be using for the secretions I will have when I am actively dying, she asked how things have been going at an overall basis, I say, "I'm a bit nervous yet enjoying it." hanging my head a bit, I explained that I have had ALOT of energy for a little over a week, she takes a deep breath & says 2 things to me, "Tanya, have you ever heard of the death-energy?" I have the mind to put 2 and 2 together, "Yes, that's when people that have been lying in bed not saying a word getting ready to die & out of the blue, they pop up out of the bed wanting to do this or that & then die later that evening." She concurred with further explanation; "That death-energy usually lasts for 3 weeks...." I kind of felt as though I were slapped in the face. "Your telling me that I could possibly be in my last 3 weeks of life?" "Yes." I didn't cry, (my face hurt from being "slapped") what if this is true? Do I just go with it? I know what the ultimate ending is, why does any of this remotely catch me off guard? Just because I don't know the tiny details of each "step" my Journey will take me, I have had thee "Head's Up" here for quite sometime....The 2nd thing she said, "I am so happy to see you glowing, I am going to remain optimistic & say that you had some kind of infection; you did what your body needed & got better." but with that 2nd theory, she had that look in her eye, as if to say "I'm sorry sweety but get yourself ready because I believe that what is happening is my 1st theory otherwise that wouldn't have been the 1st thing I said to you in my professional opinion"..

Its not up to me, its not up to my nurses or Dr.s, miracles can & DO happen; I did find it odd that she asked me, "How do you think this is going to go?" How should I know? The way everyone wishes they could die _{peacefully in their sleep} she listened intently to my answer, as if her future depended on it, "Its my hope I'm not laid up in bed not knowing who I am with my body betraying me by taking away my dignity, I just want to lay down after a wonderfully productive day, fall into dreamland with a smile painted on my face because of that days accomplishments and just not wake up......."

Power of suggestion? I believe in that, as heartfelt and caring as she was to me today about this energy burst & the possible reasons behind it, I "suggest" that I am getting cut a break; i broke an infection & feel better.......Time will tell..

The weather has been very odd today, 3 tornadoes touched down (funny how I had just dreamt of tornadoes) the sirens went off 2 seperate times, torrential downpours, 70 mph winds.....In October?!?!?!? Usually we are out here shovelling snow & wearing our winter gear not prepping for a tornado! We are under a high wind warning for a couple of days now, I have my bedroom window open, I know its chilly out there but I think that the wind can carry voices, maybe words I am meant to hear, maybe tonight, as I close my eyes & listen to the wind gusts, just maybe, I will hear some of the "truths" that I so desperately seek........Shhhhh listen.....

Tanya

Smth is for sure, namely:

--- there's more energy

--- the "d**** theory&3 weeks" is "wonderful", especially when they can't do anything more for a patient

--- "miracles" happen.

Dear Tanya,

Sorry I've only just been able to get to you. Whatever get up and go that was in the computer I was trying to use, got up and went!

I read something that made me think. Apparently 60% of people with a terminal illness experience depression. I thought about the 40% who aren't depressed and wondered what they must be thinking(!) Are you among the 60% or 40%?

To you though. I was a bit dismissive of the people who don't visit you in my last message. I didn't think about it first, as is so often my way. So in retrospect (as again is so often what I do) for you not to have the people who could help you feel safe angers me. I know when we're facing something we don't know, it helps to have someone we're familiar with around us. I think it means more than that to you; like maybe you can only come to terms with who you are, and who you've been in the eyes of others who care and have them acknowledge that.

As for you and this 'death energy' thing. I've heard of that before; even said to other people when I've heard someone died "But I was only talking to her yesterday. She was chatting and arguing as usual." This was after that person had been lethargic and weak.

Now I'll get to what I think about all that in relation to you. That is that you are now as you always are; that life is indefinite for you. And I need to be honest here when I write do you think my prayers for your pain free days and nights and miracles fall on deaf ears? Do you think He doesn't hear my prayer that you cough on your own? That's where I'm at spiritually and man - made theories mean nothing to me at the moment.

I'm sending you positive thoughts, Tanya. I expect a heartfelt cough in return.

Kathy

Hey TT,

Let us know how you are doin and don't forget you owe me an email, so when you are ready give me a shout!

T

Dear tanya

Your nurse has the worst beside manner ever.A few years ago when i was going through my blood poisoning period [6 operations in 6 months and they scalped me because the infection ate its way out through my scalp} I almost always throught i would get better.I went through drug after drug and they did not work.When the doctors said they needed this last drug to work my patner understood but i just heared this was the drug that i needed but later i was reading in a magazine about a woman who had lost her husband and said she felt he had been moving away before he actually died and then i understood oh **** thats me.You will know when you are close to the end you can feel it and even then it is still possiable to come back.

you write about your dreams.mine have always mattered a lot to me and sometimes you can find a clarity in them that is harder to reach when you are awake.Are you interested in lucid dreams.You have to hold awareness that you are in a dream and if you can do it you can then usually do what you like,ask questions,fly,visit anywhere.T here are various tricks for holding on to that awareness I can bore on about dreams for ages.I am heading down the same path as you and I have been meaning to thank you for a long time as your writting has helped me.

Dear Tanya,

Hope you're getting on alright.  I'm fine.

I've been busy making those flyers out for you, but knowing you, you'll scupper those plans and write soon.

Kathy