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Medically advised not to see dying father

hm83
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My father had been unwell for sometime but only 2 weeks ago it was officially confirmed he had terminal cancer - there are masses around his stomach and in his bowel but they can not say where it all started from. In the short 2 week period my father has deteriorated very rapidly to the point where he is not eating, vomiting, on a drip as  well as a nasal gastric tube draining his stomach, has a driver giving him medication / pain relief, sleeping a lot more, when i saw him the other day he took a while to recognise me and then today we have had a call from the palliative team saying it is not 'medically advised' to go and see him as they described him 'as non compos mentis' - my head is in an absolute spin - only two weeks ago he could walk (all be it a very short distance) but now he is imminently about to die and we have been recommended not to see him and i don't know what to do - see him or not - will he understand what's going on, is he scared?, last time i saw him he said he wants to die which broke my heart - has anyone else been in this situation, what did you do? - Thanks

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    Hi hm83

    The palliative care team may have told you not to see him to spare your feelings. Ignore them and go visit your father or you will regret it for the rest of your life. Hold his hand Talk to him even if you think he cannot hear or understand, he likely will know you are there for him. I speak from experience from my own parents end of life.

    Ed

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    I would definitely go to be with him ,its not for them to decide its your Father and its the last thing you can ever do for him ,as Ed says I think you'd regret not being with him .

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    Hi hm83  so sorry to hear about your father.  Please go and see him.  My parents both died within 16 weeks of each other.  They live in South Africa so I never got to say goodbye. You have that chance to say things to him, he will definitely know that you are there.

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    I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and advice - which i did follow and am very thankful i did - went to see my father for the last time - they had removed all his tubes. I was able to tell him how much i loved him and always would, how i miss him, gave him a kiss, tell him what an amazing dad he has always been - always there for me, and although he couldn't speak i know he could hear me he faced the direction he could hear me speak, made some moaning noises and he was even able to say hello at one point.

    We were never a kissy / hugging family - that was just our way but dad and i had this thing where we would gently squeeze each others hand to reassure each other and to let each other know we would be there for them - and even in his state he was able to squeeze my hand lightly which I will never forget.

    very sadly dad passed away in his sleep in the early hours of the morning, and although it has been only just over 2 weeks since he went into hospital, i am also grateful he didn't have to suffer for long. 

    For anyone going though this PLEASE do see your loved one no matter how scared, anxious or frightened your feeling, - do it for them, do it for your loved one.

    Previous to all this happening i made a promise to myself to no longer live a life of regret, of the things i wished i done but was too scared to do, -  and if i hadn't of seen dad i would of absolutely regretted my decision - so am grateful i got to see him one last time and say goodbye. 

  • Offline in reply to hm83

    Thanks for letting us know about your Dad and I'm so glad you held him and kissed him and that you feel better for doing that ,your lovely Dad can now rest in peace knowing you were there with him and were able to say your goodbyes ,its going to be a very sad period but you did all you could so you should have no regrets ,I hope everything goes smoothly from here on in ,we are always available to talk to if you feel the need x

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