Hello 19003417

I'm sorry ot hear about your Dad's diagnosis and the situation that you both find yourselves in at the moment. It's not uncommon for people to not want to know what their prognosis is but understandably this can make things difficult for those caring for them. 

Have you asked your dad if it would be ok for you to talk privately with his care team? It may be that with your Dad's permission they're able to give you some answers to your questions. If you explained to your Dad that having that information would help you to care for him it may be that he might consider allowing the Dr's/nurses to talk with you. 

If you've not already done so then I'd really encourage you to talk to the people running your training course. Often it can help to prevent any problems with missed deadlines/absences if they already know what you are juggling outside of the learning environment. It may also be that you're able to access pastoral support if you feel you need a shoulder to lean on. 

We do have some information about caring for someone on our website but if you want to talk things through with one of our nurses you're most welcome to call them on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9 am to 5 pm. I'm sure they will be happy to listen and offer any advice and support that they can. 

Keep in touch and let us know how you're both doing. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

I appreciate how tough it must be for you.  Its not easy being n the caring role.

Can i offer my perspective, as someone who is Stage 4. Incurable but treatable?

A family member recently confided in me that people think I'm in denial.  Apparently I'm  'too cheerful'.

The way I look at it, there are two ways of reacting to a terminal diagnosis. You can go around feeling and acting sad all the time or you can acknowledge it, but then get on with the business of living.

I chose the latter.  It doesn't mean I don't know my time is limited, I just happen to have the type of personality that doesn't want to be talking about it all the time.  I find it depressing.  It brings me down.

Other people in the same situation like to talk about death and dying all the time.

Neither group are in denial. We all know what's what.

Please let your dad handle it in his own way. Let him be him.

He will talk about it to you if he wants to.

Hi there ...

You are so right ... I've done the same sinse my diagnosis... tried to live in the day and find things and people that understand and make things o.k ..

My niece was diagnosed the same as you ... she took a bit of time to get her head round it .. then she made every day count .. her kids and us made as many memories as possible ... and boy did she live every day she had .. those memories she left  is her gift to her kids and loved ones ...

I'm trying to do the same ... just because we don't cry and give up, doesnt mean wer not acknowledging where we are .. and no one is promised tomorrow... anyone can be taken .. and being surrounded by a bit of " normal" in a diagnoses that drowns us with the word cancer is so good ... 

So I hope you get many more days and memories... you got this ... Chrissie x 

Hi Christie, and pinky, said everything i could about having cancer and living with it. 

My own story is, i was diagnosed feb 2016 uncurable, given 5 years , just treatment permanent, 2018 palative care .im still smiling people don't know unless i tell them as i look fit and well apart from odd days. I try to hide bad days from my darling wife as she has dementia and other brain issues alot of us think being sure and positive helps. I know my days are numbered but im keeping going for my wife, determination or whatever i don't know but im still here. 

Oh I've prostate cancer gone to lymph node's, pelvis, spine, ribs and a lung. 

Alot of relatives and friends come on forum to clear the air, having a good rant helps. 

Remember look after yourself as well. 

Billy 

Hi 19003417

i read your post and am struck by how similar your experience is to my own when I lost my Dad, due to cancer - I was just 21, just as I was starting on my life into adulthood, and my first job. I'm now in my 50's, though, so I now see it all from a different perspective.

My Dad was the strong one, so dying of Cancer wasn't on his to-do list. It doesn't sound like you have your Mum around, and for whatever reason that is, it sounds like you may be alone with your Dad in his final stages.  Although my Mum was around, it was a massive problem because she was submerged in denial. That meant the rest of the family were caught behind her in the decision-making role (and she was making none). The reason I mention that, is becuase you may find some solace by being your Dad's first port of call - particularly if you know that your presence may be the most special thing to him. I'm welling up just thinking this - because I have a strong sense that your Dad may not be in denial, but simply doesn't want to die even though he knows he is. What he wants is to see you happy, not in the grief of the situation you both face, so he's torn between asking you to be there and protecting his daughter from the horror and the reality.  He knows deep down how tough this is for you both, but allowing that into a conversation is, quite literally, the final nail in the coffin. At least I realise now, reading what you have posted, is how my Dad was actually feeling. Although he was ignoring the practicalities and realities and not making plans for what was happening, he just wanted to have his family around and talk/be reminded of all the good stuff in his life - I think my Dad  just couldn't tolerate anymore focus on him dying, when he was still living, and wanted to replace it with just being alive in the presence of his family (OK, so just breathing doesn't feel like 'living' but at that stage it was). I think that by that stage of my Dad's life, he wasn't going to invest in being more emotionally intelligent, he only had the energy and time to reflect on anything good from his too-short time in this physical realm,now that his time was up.  I think he just wanted to be reminded of the good things he'd had/been involved in, so he'd be carried along by those reminders, rather than the softness of the food he could cope with eating, the combination of painkillers and constipation and the colour of his coffin.  Given the choice of discussing that and spending even just another half an hour in his favourite place -  it would have been strange if he'd not chosen to the latter. And why not? 

So don't worry about whether he's in denial or not, because this final step of leaving life, is happening either way. Take those difficult decisions for him, if you need and want to, and if not, let him. If he makes choices that you think are bonkers, can you just tell him 'Dad - that's a bonkers choice, but that's OK becuase its yours to make' ? You are in this together and there are no right/wrong things to do, all you need is to be in it together. You are his first and only choice when he is planning his last days/weeks/hours.  Fathers and daughters have a special bond, irrespective of how bad their relationship is. It may be more manageable if you take control of how much time you can spend with him, and for the times you cannot (like when you are at work/asleep/doing your own chores), that you agree with your Dad who he can contact. That way, you'll have that peace of mind knowing that he has someone to call when you can't be contacted, even if he doesn't. Sleep deprivation is a killer - make sure  you don't have too many broken nights. 

I realise that isn't particularly helpful in response to your obvious statement that it's a massive strain to be balancing your day job, his care, not to mention the emotional strain you are under seeing your Dad so vulnerable and in the knowledge that he's close to a final day.  I do see that in your post and I think that is why you posted. Because you are asking for help. 

I expect you've realised that I'm not much of help with the practicalitiies of your situation - I'm pleased to see that others are, and have posted them. I'm actually on here to help me help another close friend that is in their final months (but hopefully years) of cancer that isn't responding to treatment any more. It's brought up memories of losing Dad.

My Dad and I had a similar character, so he was the one that 'got me' and which frustratingly I didn't share with the rest of my immediate family. So not only was I grieving the loss of my Dad, I was trying to make my first steps into adulthood without him and that was also compounded by having those around me that just didn't 'get me' so I really struggled. In fact, it was over 15 years later before I started to get help to grieve.  Its only now, over 30 years later, that I realise that trusting my own feelings and thoughts is so important, but also to have someone or somewhere to say them and figure them out, is so important too. 

Enough time has passed (with some work of course) to have forgiven myself and my family for what was/wasn't done to help him and us at that time. For me, my experience back then is mostly an example of what not to do, but to be honest I'm not sure there is any advice I can give you (or myself facing it again) because its all impossible.  All I can say, is to keep talking and sharing, and if you get angry, or say things you later don't mean, don't worry. However hard, the experience is the important thing. And like most things, maybe a little bit of denial is quite handy so you and your Dad can just have a bit of time together that's not about him leaving.

By the way, when my Dad was diagnosed, I ended up giving up my job to be closer to my parents (I hadn't really got going with it, so it wasn't a great job I left, but it was a huge upheavel to move back in with parents. What I didn't apprecite at the time was that by the time I wanted to return, it wasn't there anymore.  I was thrown into disarray and without my Dad to help I really struggled. But just a few years later (and a lot of hard work) I actually fell into my perfect job and then career - without that crisis I probably wouldn't have been desparate enough to try it on for size. Keeping hope during the struggle is so hard, but keep it in mind - so I wanted to share that with you too. You just don't ever know what is coming next in life, and taking heart that the struggle and the strain will pass, I hope, will lighten the load a little.

I hope you will post again and say how your are doing. I'd be very pleased to read your worries and frustrations -  partly to know that you are ok, but partly for the selfish reasons that its quite cathartic experience for me.  Even if you don't post again, thanks for sharing what you did. It's made such a difference for me.

Take care xx

Hi Bookshelf,

First of all I want to thank you for your message. You are incredibly strong and what you say has really hit me hard (in a good way). My mum and dad separated when I was 15 and my mum has since re married. I am in contact with my mum and see her every other week, when time allows. She does support me but obviously doesn't offer any practical support which I don't expect her to. One of my dads brothers are particularly involved with his care and has helped with the financial side of things. 

Yesterday my dad came home from the hospital with his next chemo scheduled for next week (they had to keep post poning it as my dad isn't strong enough). I think that my dad is starting to be confused. There was confusion this morning over whether he wanted to use to comode as one minute he said yes and then was adamant he doesn't need the loo and wants to go back to sleep. As I write this I am sat with him waiting for the morning carer. 

I love my dad lots and we haven't always gotten on but we are incredibly alike and watching my big strong and sometimes scary dad so frail and thin is incredibly upsetting. He barely eats and when he does it is only half a sandwich or some ice cream so he is appearing to loose weight rapidly. 

I feel as if i am somewhat grieving who my dad used to be, all the ways in which he isn't who he was anymore which is painful as I know there will only be more grieving later on. 

Thanks again for your message it means the world to me x

Hi April,

Thank you for your reply and i'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My uncle went with my dad to an appointment with his consultant and after the appointment, when my dad wasn't there) my uncle asked how long he has. He was told my dad most likely has a couple of weeks left. This is quite shocking news, and my dad does not want to know. He knows that his chemo is no longer happening and asked to be prescribed steroids in hope they make him fit enough again. I can't even describe how i'm feeling. I'm still doing my teacher training course but it feels so strange sitting in the staff room and having this non stop thought of my dad dying. At the same time I think it's good for me to have something else to focus on or else I would break apart.

let me know how you and your dad are and thanks again for your reply x

Hello,

I was reading through your post- I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I wondered how is everything? 
my mum was diagnosed with the same, stage 4 lung cancer, spread to lymph nodes and liver on the 20th October. Just waiting biopsy results so we can get a prognosis. She had her 66th birthday yesterday and I couldn't helP but notice how much weight she has lost and how frail she looked. It's only been a few weeks since finding out. I'm devastated

Hi,

Im so sorry to hear about your mum, it is so hard watching a loved one lose so much weight. Unfortunately my dad passed away on the 7th of october. We have had the funeral but strangely enough I feel as though i'm in denial, I also feel like I cried more when he was alive (not in front of him) than now, possibly as I had been grieveing the loss of who my dad once was before this horrible illness, he was such a big and strong man. Take every moment you have to spend with your mum and I wish her and you all the best x