Hello Maria21, I'm so sorry that you have lost your brother to this awful disease. Life is incredibly cruel and unfair and nothing makes any sense anymore. My younger brother passed away in February 2020 after an horrendous 12 month battle with an aggressive cancer in his jaw which a dentist misdiagnosed which then delayed his diagnosis and treatment, he turned 45 two weeks before he passed. I remember counting the days since he left us, then counting the weeks, then the months, all the time wondering how the world kept turning without him being a part of it. My two daughters kept me going then just like your children keep you going now. It sounds as though you have a wonderful partner to look after you so just allow the tears to come and don't be hard on yourself, you have just been through the hardest experience and you have to allow yourself time to process and come to terms with what you have been through.I cried myself to sleep for many months after. It does get easier, 19 months on there is a little bit of the old me coming back. I wish I'd been able to see a grief counsellor but lockdown happened 6 weeks after we lost my brother so I came on to this forum to see if anybody here had been through the same. I remember reading something along the lines of grief being like a tsunami wave, to begin with the waves are huge and you fight just to take a breath, then the waves get smaller and you still struggle to keep your head above the water. With time the waves become more manageable but they still knock you over and you never really know when the next one will come. I think that's the best description of the last 19months for me anyway. On the days when I struggle now, I can see my brother in my minds eye telling me it's ok. I know he would not want us to grieve so much and for so long because he never wanted to be a bother to anyone. I have one of his watches which I wear now and then and his photo in a locket so I can have him close to me. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I just wanted you to know your are not alone and everything you are feeling right now is natural and completely normal xx

Thanks for your kind words, and I'm so sorry for your loss.Even though I feel like I'm the only one in the world going through this like as you said, how is the world still turning? His funeral is the day before my bday too. The waves analogy is very true, I feel suffocated and at first felt like I was drowning.My brother too never wanted to be a bother as he didn't tell us the severity of his disease. But that also hurts me, like if I'd have known I would have been there for him and he wouldn't have to deal with things alone. All these things going through my head. And still not quite believing that I can't send him a song to see if he's heard a new song and he would send me one back,or he would send me what he's been cooking because he would always cook for him and mum or he would pop round to my house and I think I hear his car pull up. I know it's going to be a long road just don't know how I'm going to survive this long road in pain, my chest hurts all the time, like my heart is literally broken.xx

Hello Maria21, 

Just wanted to drop by and say hello although I do not want to interrupt the flow of your conversations too much as I am very pleased you have been talking to NikkiL and Afrohair91. They understand better than anyone how you are feeling at the moment and they have given you some very good advice.  

I wanted to let you know that if you ever feel really down, don't hesitate to get in touch with Samaritans .

You can talk to them every single day of the year 24h a day on this free number 116 123 

It's really sad what happened to your brother and I am so sorry for your loss. It is all so raw for you at the moment and it will take time and you will need support to help you walk this long road as you said. Perhaps you could talk to your GP about how you have been feeling and ask whether they have any suggestions to help you cope in the coming days and months.

Keep strong, you are doing amazingly and I wanted you to know we are all here for you on the forum.  

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you , I appreciate your reply.

I think I may need to speak to someone soon. I know I will need help. I don't want to get out of the house for fear of seeing anyone, because I don't want to talk, as much as I know they mean well. . At the moment to call anyone and talk, I can't even get any words out. Hopefully I will be able to soon.

Xx

Thank you , I appreciate your reply.

I think I may need to speak to someone soon. I know I will need help. I don't want to get out of the house for fear of seeing anyone, because I don't want to talk, as much as I know they mean well. . At the moment to call anyone and talk, I can't even get any words out. Hopefully I will be able to soon.

Xx