My brother passed Aug 21st at 32 years old of colony cancer that had spread to his liver, I'm 38 and I know its still fresh, but I don't know if I will be able to go on a lifetime of this pain. A few days before we were talking and then I was told to go to hospital as he was deteriorating. Watching my baby brother in pain was the hardest thing in my life. And then I watched his last breath. Those last memories are killing me. I only get out of bed because my partner has been bringing mum to our house every day and cooking, not that I eat it much. He's been so good.I have 3 kids 20 ,16 and 9 and everyone's been strong.My kids don't see me cry but I feel useless, my brother would have been stronger than me for my mum if we had traded places. I just want to sleep.i don't express my feelings generally and I can't talk to those close as they're grieving too ,i don't want to burden them with the way I feel. My mums way of dealing is to talk to everyone, I just don't.i can't without crying anyway. My brother didn't have a bad bone in his body. The only comfort I get at the moment is little signs showing that maybe he is still around. Sometimes I feel numb which is a relief from all the crying, but then when I'm numb I feel nothing else either. It's not fair on my family to grieve and watch me be weak and useless. I have been thinking of the best way to join my brother but knowing I'd leave my kids without a mum is the only thing that stops me. Although I think of ways where it wouldn't hurt them so much, if they thought I had just left or something. I dont think I would, but its horrible that I'm even thinking it. Just at the moment I'm no good for them and don't see when I will be