Hello Maria21, I'm so sorry that you have lost your brother to this awful disease. Life is incredibly cruel and unfair and nothing makes any sense anymore. My younger brother passed away in February 2020 after an horrendous 12 month battle with an aggressive cancer in his jaw which a dentist misdiagnosed which then delayed his diagnosis and treatment, he turned 45 two weeks before he passed. I remember counting the days since he left us, then counting the weeks, then the months, all the time wondering how the world kept turning without him being a part of it. My two daughters kept me going then just like your children keep you going now. It sounds as though you have a wonderful partner to look after you so just allow the tears to come and don't be hard on yourself, you have just been through the hardest experience and you have to allow yourself time to process and come to terms with what you have been through.I cried myself to sleep for many months after. It does get easier, 19 months on there is a little bit of the old me coming back. I wish I'd been able to see a grief counsellor but lockdown happened 6 weeks after we lost my brother so I came on to this forum to see if anybody here had been through the same. I remember reading something along the lines of grief being like a tsunami wave, to begin with the waves are huge and you fight just to take a breath, then the waves get smaller and you still struggle to keep your head above the water. With time the waves become more manageable but they still knock you over and you never really know when the next one will come. I think that's the best description of the last 19months for me anyway. On the days when I struggle now, I can see my brother in my minds eye telling me it's ok. I know he would not want us to grieve so much and for so long because he never wanted to be a bother to anyone. I have one of his watches which I wear now and then and his photo in a locket so I can have him close to me. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I just wanted you to know your are not alone and everything you are feeling right now is natural and completely normal xx

Thanks for your kind words, and I'm so sorry for your loss.Even though I feel like I'm the only one in the world going through this like as you said, how is the world still turning? His funeral is the day before my bday too. The waves analogy is very true, I feel suffocated and at first felt like I was drowning.My brother too never wanted to be a bother as he didn't tell us the severity of his disease. But that also hurts me, like if I'd have known I would have been there for him and he wouldn't have to deal with things alone. All these things going through my head. And still not quite believing that I can't send him a song to see if he's heard a new song and he would send me one back,or he would send me what he's been cooking because he would always cook for him and mum or he would pop round to my house and I think I hear his car pull up. I know it's going to be a long road just don't know how I'm going to survive this long road in pain, my chest hurts all the time, like my heart is literally broken.xx

Thanks for your kind words, and I'm so sorry for your loss.Even though I feel like I'm the only one in the world going through this like as you said, how is the world still turning? His funeral is the day before my bday too. The waves analogy is very true, I feel suffocated and at first felt like I was drowning.My brother too never wanted to be a bother as he didn't tell us the severity of his disease. But that also hurts me, like if I'd have known I would have been there for him and he wouldn't have to deal with things alone. All these things going through my head. And still not quite believing that I can't send him a song to see if he's heard a new song and he would send me one back,or he would send me what he's been cooking because he would always cook for him and mum or he would pop round to my house and I think I hear his car pull up. I know it's going to be a long road just don't know how I'm going to survive this long road in pain, my chest hurts all the time, like my heart is literally broken.xx

Hello Maria21, 

Just wanted to drop by and say hello although I do not want to interrupt the flow of your conversations too much as I am very pleased you have been talking to NikkiL and Afrohair91. They understand better than anyone how you are feeling at the moment and they have given you some very good advice.  

I wanted to let you know that if you ever feel really down, don't hesitate to get in touch with Samaritans .

You can talk to them every single day of the year 24h a day on this free number 116 123 

It's really sad what happened to your brother and I am so sorry for your loss. It is all so raw for you at the moment and it will take time and you will need support to help you walk this long road as you said. Perhaps you could talk to your GP about how you have been feeling and ask whether they have any suggestions to help you cope in the coming days and months.

Keep strong, you are doing amazingly and I wanted you to know we are all here for you on the forum.  

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you , I appreciate your reply.

I think I may need to speak to someone soon. I know I will need help. I don't want to get out of the house for fear of seeing anyone, because I don't want to talk, as much as I know they mean well. . At the moment to call anyone and talk, I can't even get any words out. Hopefully I will be able to soon.

Xx

It's the little things that we took for granted at the time that really play on your mind because we thought that our little brothers would grow old with us and we would have years and years of their company. 

And yes your heart is broken, your brother was such a huge part of your life, part of who you are and his influence on you helped to make you the person you are today. The loss of someone that important leaves a huge hole in our heart that will never heal. We somehow learn to accommodate that missing part of us, we learn how to carry on, I don't know how we do it, maybe it's just by putting one foot in front of the other each day. Life goes on and it drags us along with it. 

It's a phrase used often in this situation but just take one day at a time. You will get there because we both know that our brothers would want us to live our lives and carry them with us xx
 

Yes that's so true.

I should have gone before him. 

I feel guilty that I'm still here when he should be

Yes, I felt that guilt too. I've smoked for many years, trying to give up. I've had a few drinks over the years. All risk factors for oral cancer. My brother did neither but it still got him. 

I felt that if it had been me instead of him, my parents would have been a little less heartbroken because he still lived with them due to a form of auto immune arthritis. 
 

I have trawled the internet trying to find answers to the "why him and not me" question. There is no answer to it apart from it was just incredibly bad luck or fate or whatever your particular beliefs are. What I have found is that guilt is part of the grief process along with anxiety and anger and tears and disbelief and denial. Apparently sibling grief is very complicated, we worry about our parents and neglect to deal with ourselves. I honestly felt that I was completely on my own but looking back now I know I wasn't, I was just hiding away from everyone and everything. I still avoid some people but have one very good friend who would text me and ring me just to check in and talk about day to day things. A lot of people just couldn't handle the depth of my grief so just didn't mention it.

Sadly there are many on here who understand exactly how you feel right now. The pain is all consuming and you probably cannot think of anything or anyone else. Just know that that is normal, you loved your brother with all your heart and now that love has nowhere to go. Talk to him, write to him, tell us about him if you feel able to. Do whatever you need to do to get through this time when the grief is raw and sharp.

I don't come on this forum as often these days but I'll keep checking in if you need to chat xx

Thank you, I appreciate it. Theres one friend who knows exactly how I'm feeling and shes dealt with it before, alone and I didn't reach out the way she has for me and I feel guilty about that too, because now i know how bad this pain feels. Yes it's unfair, he kept fit ate good and then to succumb to this horrible disease and I thought the same maybe my mum wouldn't feel as bad if it was me rather than me. I'm useless to them all now. He would have been stronger if he was here. I know I won't want to see anyone forva good while as they know how close we we're and I know that will push everyone away. 

I just keep thinking of when he was at my house a few weeks ago, joking, eating,talking...I wonder if he knew then... and I still don't get that he's gone forever

Don't beat yourself up about your friend, I was in the same situation some years ago. The fact that she is reaching out to you now tells me that she is a good friend and understands, friends like that are pure gold. 

You are not useless to anyone, you are struggling with the hardest experiences that anyone can go through and grieving the loss of your beloved brother. You are also reaching out for help on this forum and that is braver than you know. 
 

Keep remembering those times of love and laughter, if only we had a time machine and could go back and burn those times in to our memories.
 

Take care of yourself today x
 

I think I will eventually push those friends away. They can only stick around for so long I won't be me again for a long while.

And then my partner said that he's been Feeling ill and is trying to get in at the doctors, now everything makes me worry. 

I forget the date until someone said the funeral is on Monday. I just want to run and keep running.

You too xx

The foundations of your world have been rocked and that makes you feel as though you are going to lose everyone you love. When something so awful happens to our loved ones we no longer have trust and confidence in anything being safe anymore. 
It's good that your partner is going to the doctors rather than ignoring it. Although there are lots of viruses doing the rounds at the moment and we know what kids are like for bringing the bugs home !

Monday will be hard, my brother's funeral is a bit of a blur to be honest. I woke up with a really bad migraine on the day which was most definitely down to stress. I can remember pulling up to the crematorium and not being able to look anyone in the eye because I would have broken down. My youngest daughter was 12 at the time and I held her hand the whole way through, as much to give me strength as it was to comfort her. 
I felt it was my duty to my brother so say goodbye, he deserved that and so much more. I couldn't make him better so the very least I could do was to say a last farewell. Keeping that thought in my head got me through that day x

I constantly feel sick.

I defo won't be able to look anyone in the eyes. My youngest is 9 and we have yet to tell him. I can't face that, but I don't want him knowing the day before. And then how am I supposed to even smile the day after on my birthday? What did you do on the first birthday after etc?